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I might be bisexual and don't know what to do.
Apologies if this post is a a little disjointed, it's taken from a conversation I had with someone on Messenger. However, my thoughts tend to be a little disjointed anyway, so if I had written it here first, it would have been about the same. My friend I was talking to about this, I've never met them in real life, and they have no connection with any of my other friends, which is probably why I was able to say this all to them.
(Also, I'm a guy, aged 17.)
* * *
I think I fancy guys and I dunno what the heck to do about it.
I mean, I only came to realise this partway through a relationship that's been going on for over 1yr3months, with a girl whom I absolutely adore.
I've told her that I've been having suspicions, and she was fine at first, then freaked out a bit, and now she's trying hard to not to think about it.
I'm not even 100% sure that I AM bi. Sometimes I don't think I am at all, while other times I notice myself on the verge of fantasizing about someone I've noticed around me. It could be that I'm confused about some of my feelings. OTOH it could mean that I'm just reluctant to admit it to myself.
I don't want to tell any of my friends, for the moment. Partly because I'm still unsure and don't want to say something, and then decide that I'm not. Also partly because I don't know how accepting people in general around me would be. I live in a rather rural part of Scotland, and it's not the most...diverse of places.
I've been with my girlfriend, staying at her house, over Christmas.
Last Saturday, I was apparently flirting with the guy serving us at Chiquitos. Being bad at noticing flirting, let alone being aware if what I'm doing counts as flirting, I could well have been. I won't deny that I thought he was quite attractive.
Partly, I think that the reason I'm doubting it could just be because I'm afraid, because it's an unfamiliar situation, and I don't know what to do.
It's more the fact that this has come up in the middle of a strong relationship which really bothers me. Why now?
I don't want to be denying a part of myself, but at the same time, I don't want to be the sort of person who stares at other people, be they male or female (I'd just end up feeling really guilty if I did). But I don't stare other girls, or thing about other women in "that way". I choose not to, because she's the only person I want to think about.
FriendOfMine says:
But think of it this way.. if it helps.. Can you see yourself seeing yourself with a guy for the rest of your life sorta thing and stuff.
I think it's just a physical thing.
Part of my personality which I pride myself on is not being a typical guy, so a lot of things which are perhaps typically "guyish" personality-wise don't interest me.
FriendOfMine says:
Well, i think you wont know till you actually find out, and i suggest you start talking to your girlfriend more so she dont get freaked out... but i dont know
Considering that I've only had one girlfriend, whom I'm currently still with, and I was 16 before I'd gone out with anyone before, I'm neither confident nor capable of just going out and doing such things like going and exploring this interest.
Also, like I said, not a terribly diverse place. I'd have to go out into the city to pull a bloke, and I have no idea how.
(Also, I wouldn't want to be in any way unfaithful to her)
I think one of her main worries is that this is a sort of halfway step, towards me realising that I'm gay.
Which I really don't think I am.
I'm worrying about me being bi, not gay. I still love my girlfriend, and find women in general attractive.
I just dunno all the stuff she could be thinking.
FriendOfMine says:
Hum, maybe make some rules with ya gf im sure she would understand, just to get it out, cause you wont know till you try but then you never know it might just come to you when things are different in the future
What do you mean "rules" ?
FriendOfMine says:
Like experiment... Iunno.. >.> Because you'll just wanna think about it if you dont sort it out.. and like you say its been less then half the time you been together?
aye, probably about a month.
FriendOfMine says:
Oh not that long then?
does that make much of a difference?
FriendOfMine says:
No but new feelings do tend to wander not saying you ever would
(Also, I'm a guy, aged 17.)
* * *
I think I fancy guys and I dunno what the heck to do about it.
I mean, I only came to realise this partway through a relationship that's been going on for over 1yr3months, with a girl whom I absolutely adore.
I've told her that I've been having suspicions, and she was fine at first, then freaked out a bit, and now she's trying hard to not to think about it.
I'm not even 100% sure that I AM bi. Sometimes I don't think I am at all, while other times I notice myself on the verge of fantasizing about someone I've noticed around me. It could be that I'm confused about some of my feelings. OTOH it could mean that I'm just reluctant to admit it to myself.
I don't want to tell any of my friends, for the moment. Partly because I'm still unsure and don't want to say something, and then decide that I'm not. Also partly because I don't know how accepting people in general around me would be. I live in a rather rural part of Scotland, and it's not the most...diverse of places.
I've been with my girlfriend, staying at her house, over Christmas.
Last Saturday, I was apparently flirting with the guy serving us at Chiquitos. Being bad at noticing flirting, let alone being aware if what I'm doing counts as flirting, I could well have been. I won't deny that I thought he was quite attractive.
Partly, I think that the reason I'm doubting it could just be because I'm afraid, because it's an unfamiliar situation, and I don't know what to do.
It's more the fact that this has come up in the middle of a strong relationship which really bothers me. Why now?
I don't want to be denying a part of myself, but at the same time, I don't want to be the sort of person who stares at other people, be they male or female (I'd just end up feeling really guilty if I did). But I don't stare other girls, or thing about other women in "that way". I choose not to, because she's the only person I want to think about.
FriendOfMine says:
But think of it this way.. if it helps.. Can you see yourself seeing yourself with a guy for the rest of your life sorta thing and stuff.
I think it's just a physical thing.
Part of my personality which I pride myself on is not being a typical guy, so a lot of things which are perhaps typically "guyish" personality-wise don't interest me.
FriendOfMine says:
Well, i think you wont know till you actually find out, and i suggest you start talking to your girlfriend more so she dont get freaked out... but i dont know
Considering that I've only had one girlfriend, whom I'm currently still with, and I was 16 before I'd gone out with anyone before, I'm neither confident nor capable of just going out and doing such things like going and exploring this interest.
Also, like I said, not a terribly diverse place. I'd have to go out into the city to pull a bloke, and I have no idea how.
(Also, I wouldn't want to be in any way unfaithful to her)
I think one of her main worries is that this is a sort of halfway step, towards me realising that I'm gay.
Which I really don't think I am.
I'm worrying about me being bi, not gay. I still love my girlfriend, and find women in general attractive.
I just dunno all the stuff she could be thinking.
FriendOfMine says:
Hum, maybe make some rules with ya gf im sure she would understand, just to get it out, cause you wont know till you try but then you never know it might just come to you when things are different in the future
What do you mean "rules" ?
FriendOfMine says:
Like experiment... Iunno.. >.> Because you'll just wanna think about it if you dont sort it out.. and like you say its been less then half the time you been together?
aye, probably about a month.
FriendOfMine says:
Oh not that long then?
does that make much of a difference?
FriendOfMine says:
No but new feelings do tend to wander not saying you ever would
Firstly, I think you need to slow down! :] I know it's confusing and everything, and you're trying to figure out who you are, but even if you are gay, or bi, or even straight, it doesn't matter. You can cross that bridge when you come to it, first you've got to figure out which you are.
Ok, so you live in a place that's pretty limited. Well, pulling a guy or having sexual relations with someone isn't something you need to do to figure out who you are. Generally, most people find out they're not straight around 15/16 when they haven't had many, if any, relationships and haven't had sex, with either a girl or boy. So, don't worry about being in a place without a thriving gay scene, that doesn't matter. And anyway, people that are straight don't need to have had sex to know that they're straight, gay people are no different.
Now fantazing about boys could simply mean that you find them attractive, and that's that. But, personally I think being capable of loving someone is a mixture of three things; physical attraction (finding them pretty), sexual attraction (thinking at some point you'd want to have sex with them) and emotional attarction (being able to talk and just, be with someone). They're not rules, just my opinion. So, ask yourself, do you think you could have that with a man? Sometimes finding that out comes from finding out the feeling you have for a guy is a crush, sometimes people just know, sometimes it comes from experimentation. Most of the time, it takes just that, time. So, be patient with yourself, but have a think.
And coming out. The first rule of coming out, saying that you are definately this or that to people, is that you accept it yourself, and realise it's not a bad thing, and nothing to be ashamed about, that it's perfectly normal. But, given you don't know what you are, I would strongly recommend against it. However, if you feel you need to talk to people about what your thinking, that make sure it's someone that you have confidence in and can trust. Personally, talking to gay/bisexual people got me comfortable with the idea, so, I'd recommend surfing the net for forums. thegyc is quite good but Queeryouth i'd say was the best. Also, this is a good way of accepting who you, which, as you've said is something that may scare you.
On that point, gay/bi people are pefectly normal and indifferent to anyone else. We have a laugh, go to school, and have relationships. Nothing new. And, this "typical guy" thing. Well, not being a typical guy isn't reason to think youre not straight. Who you are isn't defined by your sexuality and making stereotypes is a very bad mistake. Some gay guys are camp, introvert, extrovert, loud, shy, skinny, muscular. Some you'd never guess they were gay. So, do't judge a book by its cover.
Oh, and this girl. Well, telling her things that, to be blunt, means you've been finding other people attactive, I can imagine to be a nice thing for her. So, as much as I know you want to tell her, becasue you're close to her, it might not be the best thing. Do you think a relationship if the best thing right now? Tbh, I think on this point I'm not someone that can give you much advice, so maybe try those sites out.
Hope I helped!
Ok, so you live in a place that's pretty limited. Well, pulling a guy or having sexual relations with someone isn't something you need to do to figure out who you are. Generally, most people find out they're not straight around 15/16 when they haven't had many, if any, relationships and haven't had sex, with either a girl or boy. So, don't worry about being in a place without a thriving gay scene, that doesn't matter. And anyway, people that are straight don't need to have had sex to know that they're straight, gay people are no different.
Now fantazing about boys could simply mean that you find them attractive, and that's that. But, personally I think being capable of loving someone is a mixture of three things; physical attraction (finding them pretty), sexual attraction (thinking at some point you'd want to have sex with them) and emotional attarction (being able to talk and just, be with someone). They're not rules, just my opinion. So, ask yourself, do you think you could have that with a man? Sometimes finding that out comes from finding out the feeling you have for a guy is a crush, sometimes people just know, sometimes it comes from experimentation. Most of the time, it takes just that, time. So, be patient with yourself, but have a think.
And coming out. The first rule of coming out, saying that you are definately this or that to people, is that you accept it yourself, and realise it's not a bad thing, and nothing to be ashamed about, that it's perfectly normal. But, given you don't know what you are, I would strongly recommend against it. However, if you feel you need to talk to people about what your thinking, that make sure it's someone that you have confidence in and can trust. Personally, talking to gay/bisexual people got me comfortable with the idea, so, I'd recommend surfing the net for forums. thegyc is quite good but Queeryouth i'd say was the best. Also, this is a good way of accepting who you, which, as you've said is something that may scare you.
On that point, gay/bi people are pefectly normal and indifferent to anyone else. We have a laugh, go to school, and have relationships. Nothing new. And, this "typical guy" thing. Well, not being a typical guy isn't reason to think youre not straight. Who you are isn't defined by your sexuality and making stereotypes is a very bad mistake. Some gay guys are camp, introvert, extrovert, loud, shy, skinny, muscular. Some you'd never guess they were gay. So, do't judge a book by its cover.
Oh, and this girl. Well, telling her things that, to be blunt, means you've been finding other people attactive, I can imagine to be a nice thing for her. So, as much as I know you want to tell her, becasue you're close to her, it might not be the best thing. Do you think a relationship if the best thing right now? Tbh, I think on this point I'm not someone that can give you much advice, so maybe try those sites out.
Hope I helped!
Sounds a bit like something I went through, just go with the flow, don't think about it too deeply you might start convincing yourself of things that don't exist when you're actually looking at real life, not just internet convos or such.
for one, you dont need to do anything about it. Well you cant really. And you shouldn't force yourself to be one way or the other, that is impossible, you are atrracted to who you are attracted to and thats that. Let these feelings come and when they do try to focus on them. Compare them to feelings you've had for girls.
Why now? becuase you have no choice in the matter. it happens when it happens. And it sucks big time. There is'nt really a good time for it whne you think about it.
Dont rush to tell people, or to label yourself. Give yourself time to work it out. It took me a couple of years to realise I'm a lesbian.
I know its scary. Society brings you up to expect to fall for someone of the opposite sex and only the opposite sex. We as humans also have a fear of the unknown, you need to get to know this part of you. It doesn't sound like you're gay. Like I said I'm lesbian and I never had a crush on a guy. I tried to convince myself I did but in comparison later on it really wasn't
So like I said dont try to force anything. Talk to your GF about it. Make sure she knows you love her and this wont affect your relationship. If anything, see it as anothher way you are similar
This is a sensitive issue and I'm afraid there are no right or wrong answers. If you want to PM me with any questions, I'd be glad to talk to you about my experiences.
Why now? becuase you have no choice in the matter. it happens when it happens. And it sucks big time. There is'nt really a good time for it whne you think about it.
Dont rush to tell people, or to label yourself. Give yourself time to work it out. It took me a couple of years to realise I'm a lesbian.
I know its scary. Society brings you up to expect to fall for someone of the opposite sex and only the opposite sex. We as humans also have a fear of the unknown, you need to get to know this part of you. It doesn't sound like you're gay. Like I said I'm lesbian and I never had a crush on a guy. I tried to convince myself I did but in comparison later on it really wasn't
So like I said dont try to force anything. Talk to your GF about it. Make sure she knows you love her and this wont affect your relationship. If anything, see it as anothher way you are similar
This is a sensitive issue and I'm afraid there are no right or wrong answers. If you want to PM me with any questions, I'd be glad to talk to you about my experiences.
There's nothing to be scared of here. Being bisexual means that you can lead an absolutely normal life with girlfriends, friends, wives, children, the lot. What's scary about being gay to a lot of people is the thought that your life will never quite fit in with the standard model given by society: this isn't normally an issue for bisexual people.
You don't need to -do- anything about this, you can carry on with the relationship with your girlfriend, and then carry on with your life. If there comes such a time where you want to have a sexual experience/relationship with another guy then if it happens it'll happen and that's something you need to worry about then and not now.
btw, it sounds as if you've already discussed this with your girlfriend. Good on you both, because from what you've said you've had the courage to discuss it and she's had the maturity to talk about it sensibly. Make sure to assure that you still find her (and woman) sexually attractive, though.
You don't need to -do- anything about this, you can carry on with the relationship with your girlfriend, and then carry on with your life. If there comes such a time where you want to have a sexual experience/relationship with another guy then if it happens it'll happen and that's something you need to worry about then and not now.
btw, it sounds as if you've already discussed this with your girlfriend. Good on you both, because from what you've said you've had the courage to discuss it and she's had the maturity to talk about it sensibly. Make sure to assure that you still find her (and woman) sexually attractive, though.
MSB
I'm pretty sure that no one is either homo or heterosexual - we're all somewhere in the middle.
Hear hear....rep coming your way
This sounds like something alot of people go through. Im feeling the same as you (but less paniked). There is the possibility that I like girls too. Either that or I am just a bit curious. Either way its fine and its the same with you! You have to be true to yourself, talk to your girlfriend about it and if she really can't accept it then maybe she isn't what is best for you! You shouldn't change who or what you are for anyone! Just ride it out and wait to see what happens. Maybe in the future you will have the change to experiment with another guy, but it seems pretty unlikely that you will for the minute so just go with the flow. When you do get the chance, take it! Then you will know for sure. In the time being, please don't let it preoccupy you! Might I add that if my boyfriend was bi then I would find it an almighty turn on :P and other girls may, do don't dispair! Good luck man! xxx
You are bicurious, not quite bisexual yet, you won't know that until you've explored some more. Of course you're in a nice relationship and you don't want to jeopodise that by sleeping with a man so instead I thoroughly recommend you fully explore it in your own head (don't tell your girlfriend about this though, it's not unfaithful if you don't act on it). Imagine kissing and doing stuff with guys, try to be really open minded about it. Then think about having sex with a man and see if you can get any decent arousal from it.
If you can do it without anyone else finding out or walking in try watching gay porn too and see if you like it or not.
The fact is that even if you are bisexual you are still heteromantic (you only have sexual feelings for men, not romantic ones) so you're girlfriend should have nothing to fear and neither should you. As long as you're still happy with her there's no reason to end your relationship just because you happen to sexually like men now too.
If you can do it without anyone else finding out or walking in try watching gay porn too and see if you like it or not.
The fact is that even if you are bisexual you are still heteromantic (you only have sexual feelings for men, not romantic ones) so you're girlfriend should have nothing to fear and neither should you. As long as you're still happy with her there's no reason to end your relationship just because you happen to sexually like men now too.
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