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Boyfriend won't let me go clubbing? Watch

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    The answer is in your title, "WON'T LET"

    I personally don't like/understand clubbing but I wouldn't say this to anyone, let alone someone I claimed to love. The fact that he would even blame you if God forbid you got sexually assaulted in a club tells me all I need to know about him. He's an insecure control freak and doesn't care about not respect you, just doesn't want to be alone because then he'll have to confront the fact that he has no power or influence over anyone. You deserve better and he sure as hell doesn't deserve you, dump him and live your life with people who actually appreciate you as a human being instead of see you as property.
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    It seems like your boyfriend connects you clubbing with cheating, when in most cases, people just go to have a good time.

    If it bothers your boyfriend, why not ask him to go with you? Or if you go with your girl friends? Normally when you go out with your friends, they will protect you from strange guys.

    I think his comments to you are out of order, and if he can't compromise, you do need to speak out, especially if he stops you doing other things too.
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    This thread - like many others - will quickly be filled up with the current catch phrases:

    'He doesn't own you'
    'He cant control you'
    'You are your own person, you can do what you want...'

    Its *******s though. And goes a large way to explain the current awfully high levels of divorce and single young people in the UK.

    When you are married, or in a very serious committed relationship (which after 5 years, I presume you are) You are not your own person any more.

    You are no longer an individual, you are now party of a team, a single unit.. you and your partner.. you have 2 peoples feelings to consider, and you should always be considering what is best for you as a couple and the happiness of your relationship.

    If you start thinking as 2 individuals, your relationship will quickly fail as distance comes between you. Obviously this does not apply to dating, or new relationships.. but slowly as your bond forms and you become a committed relationship, the only way to maintain it is to consider yourself one item, not two separate people.

    ---

    So to get to the question.. should you go clubbing?

    Personally I don't like clubbing.. and neither does my wife. Its a good match in this regard that makes both of us happy..

    There are somethings though that one of us likes and the other one doesn't.. for example my wife loves to dance and sing. I am not a fan of either.. but I go along with her to dancing events/clubs (not night clubs, places specifically to enjoy dancing), and I go with her and her friends to kareoke, because she enjoys it, and it makes her happy, which in tern makes our relationship happier.

    In return she does plenty of things for me that are not her favorite thing to do, and that she will not fully enjoy.

    ---

    The slight problem with clubbing comes from the risk factor. Spend a month on places like TSR, or just talking to people in real life, and its very obvious that the most likely cause of cheating is drinking/clubbing... by a long long way. It also puts you at much greater risk of being sexually harassed, raped, attacked, and exposed to drugs without your consent (or with).

    Now, for many these risks are considered small enough to not worry about. Its such a fun and happy thing to do with friends, that the risks are not important, or they feel that they can control themselves to minimize the risks.

    For me though If my wife was going out clubbing without me, I would spend the whole night worrying. Not because I don't trust her, she has proven her trust time and time again.. but because I don't trust the other 200 people in the club. So this would be my suggestion and my compromise for you two:

    Your boyfriend should make an effort to let you do the things that make you happy...
    But you should equally take measures to not put yourself in situations that are risky/make your thoughtful boyfriend worry to much...
    So: he goes with you, and he stays sober.

    If he is a good boyfriend and wants you to be happy, invite him along as your date - he can come with you, join in with your friends.. but stay sober the whole time so that if anything does go wrong, he can protect you. Obviously he may not have the best night of his life, but he should be willing to do that to make you happy. Equally whilst it may not be ideal for you, it means you can have fun whilst keeping yourself safe, and keeping your boyfriend happy and involved.
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    No,it is not *******s at all. No one owns anyone else. And everyone IS their own person. The arrangement you have in your marriage may suit you and your wife, but that doesn't mean that how other people think about relationships/marriage is wrong. Any two people in a marriage/relationship change as time goes on as they mature and may see the progression of their relationship differently and want different things out of it. She has compromised with the boyfriend over the clubbing. The issue comes that he is trying to coerce her by telling her that if she goes out clubbing, it will be her own fault if she gets attacked and he doesn't think he will be able to deal with it. This is coercion with a capital C. Why can't she go clubbing with her friends? And if he doesn't want to go with her, then that's fine but it doesn't mean that he can put her in a situation where he gets his own way. His behaviour is indicative of 'Don't do as I do, do as I say,' and, again, my advice to her is to tread carefully.
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    (Original post by Seamus123)
    No,it is not *******s at all. No one owns anyone else. And everyone IS their own person. The arrangement you have in your marriage may suit you and your wife, but that doesn't mean that how other people think about relationships/marriage is wrong. Any two people in a marriage/relationship change as time goes on as they mature and may see the progression of their relationship differently and want different things out of it. She has compromised with the boyfriend over the clubbing. The issue comes that he is trying to coerce her by telling her that if she goes out clubbing, it will be her own fault if she gets attacked and he doesn't think he will be able to deal with it. This is coercion with a capital C. Why can't she go clubbing with her friends? And if he doesn't want to go with her, then that's fine but it doesn't mean that he can put her in a situation where he gets his own way. His behaviour is indicative of 'Don't do as I do, do as I say,' and, again, my advice to her is to tread carefully.
    Ive spoilered my response about marriages/relationships - because its not entirely relevant to the Op, beyond our first two posts.

    Spoiler:
    Show

    I didn't say anyone owns anyone else. You are adding emotive language to what I said to suit your narrative. Owning implies a one-sided controlling dynamic. What I believe in is entirely equal where both sides assert control, love, influence, support, etc. over each other.

    I said that once married or committed, two people cease to be individuals. Obviously they are still two people, but their primary identity should be that of a couple, rather then that of an individual. As in when they make decisions, their first thought should be for the couple rather then for themselves.

    If you are so adamant that my view of how relationships work is wrong - demonstrate it to me.

    Right now though I can point to a few well evidenced peices of information:

    I personally (by reason rather then evidence) link:

    1 - we live in an increasingly individualistic society (no shortage of studies backing this up)

    with:

    2 - the devorce rate has skyrocketed over the past century
    3 - the marriage rate has fallen over the past century
    4 - promiscuity as risen over the past centry
    5 - the birthrate has fallen over the past century
    6 - the number of single parent family's has risen

    ---

    I understand if you do not see 1 as having largely contributed to 2-6, but if you don't, I would love to hear your justification for how our increased individualism is not playing a part.

    When you then consider two further statements that can be backed up:

    7 - On average married/or commited individuals are happier then single individuals
    8 - A stable 2 parent unit is one of the most significant indicators to a childs chances in life

    I personally view it as quite a serious issue.

    Your argument that 'what works for me, may not work for others'... falls short when the current western way of viewing relationships is clearly not working for many. If it was we would not have such a high devorce/seperation rate, and so many kids growing up in broken families.

    --

    My solution is not that she gives in and he maintains control though - its that middle-ground is found, that in this case seems like a very easy solution of him going with her and not drinking. Should he refuse that, then the relationship should be over.
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    (Original post by fallen_acorns)
    Ive spoilered my response about marriages/relationships - because its not entirely relevant to the Op, beyond our first two posts.

    Spoiler:
    Show


    I didn't say anyone owns anyone else. You are adding emotive language to what I said to suit your narrative. Owning implies a one-sided controlling dynamic. What I believe in is entirely equal where both sides assert control, love, influence, support, etc. over each other.

    I said that once married or committed, two people cease to be individuals. Obviously they are still two people, but their primary identity should be that of a couple, rather then that of an individual. As in when they make decisions, their first thought should be for the couple rather then for themselves.

    If you are so adamant that my view of how relationships work is wrong - demonstrate it to me.

    Right now though I can point to a few well evidenced peices of information:

    I personally (by reason rather then evidence) link:

    1 - we live in an increasingly individualistic society (no shortage of studies backing this up)

    with:

    2 - the devorce rate has skyrocketed over the past century
    3 - the marriage rate has fallen over the past century
    4 - promiscuity as risen over the past centry
    5 - the birthrate has fallen over the past century
    6 - the number of single parent family's has risen

    ---

    I understand if you do not see 1 as having largely contributed to 2-6, but if you don't, I would love to hear your justification for how our increased individualism is not playing a part.

    When you then consider two further statements that can be backed up:

    7 - On average married/or commited individuals are happier then single individuals
    8 - A stable 2 parent unit is one of the most significant indicators to a childs chances in life

    I personally view it as quite a serious issue.

    Your argument that 'what works for me, may not work for others'... falls short when the current western way of viewing relationships is clearly not working for many. If it was we would not have such a high devorce/seperation rate, and so many kids growing up in broken families.

    --

    My solution is not that she gives in and he maintains control though - its that middle-ground is found, that in this case seems like a very easy solution of him going with her and not drinking. Should he refuse that, then the relationship should be over.

    Having been married twice - widowed once and divorced once, I do not need a sermon from you on relationships, marriage, divorce rates or anything else. My criticism of the OP's partner is to do with the fact that he is clearly trying to coerce her into not doing something she wants to do and for which she has compromised in the past.
    Further to this, I am fully aware of the figures you quote here as it is part of my Undergraduate degree content. This is about a real person, and not about statistics.
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    Having been away from the UK for six years, this forum is a massive eye opener. I can't get over how many women find themselves in controlling relationships, whether that be boyfriends, families or arranged marriages. Seriously, what the hell happened whilst I was away?
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    (Original post by Seamus123)
    Having been married twice - widowed once and divorced once, I do not need a sermon from you on relationships, marriage, divorce rates or anything else. My criticism of the OP's partner is to do with the fact that he is clearly trying to coerce her into not doing something she wants to do and for which she has compromised in the past.
    Further to this, I am fully aware of the figures you quote here as it is part of my Undergraduate degree content. This is about a real person, and not about statistics.
    It is about a real person - hence why I put it in a spoiler just as a reply to you, and your criticism of my post, obviously if you call out what I writing as being wrong, I am going to back it up though.

    Your relationship history has as little weight in this as mine does - none.

    (I am very sorry to hear that you have been widowed though, it would be one of my worst nightmares, and something I wish no one has to go through)
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    (Original post by fallen_acorns)
    This thread - like many others - will quickly be filled up with the current catch phrases:

    'He doesn't own you'
    'He cant control you'
    'You are your own person, you can do what you want...'

    Its *******s though. And goes a large way to explain the current awfully high levels of divorce and single young people in the UK.

    When you are married, or in a very serious committed relationship (which after 5 years, I presume you are) You are not your own person any more.

    You are no longer an individual, you are now party of a team, a single unit.. you and your partner.. you have 2 peoples feelings to consider, and you should always be considering what is best for you as a couple and the happiness of your relationship.

    If you start thinking as 2 individuals, your relationship will quickly fail as distance comes between you. Obviously this does not apply to dating, or new relationships.. but slowly as your bond forms and you become a committed relationship, the only way to maintain it is to consider yourself one item, not two separate people.

    ---

    So to get to the question.. should you go clubbing?

    Personally I don't like clubbing.. and neither does my wife. Its a good match in this regard that makes both of us happy..

    There are somethings though that one of us likes and the other one doesn't.. for example my wife loves to dance and sing. I am not a fan of either.. but I go along with her to dancing events/clubs (not night clubs, places specifically to enjoy dancing), and I go with her and her friends to kareoke, because she enjoys it, and it makes her happy, which in tern makes our relationship happier.

    In return she does plenty of things for me that are not her favorite thing to do, and that she will not fully enjoy.

    ---

    The slight problem with clubbing comes from the risk factor. Spend a month on places like TSR, or just talking to people in real life, and its very obvious that the most likely cause of cheating is drinking/clubbing... by a long long way. It also puts you at much greater risk of being sexually harassed, raped, attacked, and exposed to drugs without your consent (or with).

    Now, for many these risks are considered small enough to not worry about. Its such a fun and happy thing to do with friends, that the risks are not important, or they feel that they can control themselves to minimize the risks.

    For me though If my wife was going out clubbing without me, I would spend the whole night worrying. Not because I don't trust her, she has proven her trust time and time again.. but because I don't trust the other 200 people in the club. So this would be my suggestion and my compromise for you two:

    Your boyfriend should make an effort to let you do the things that make you happy...
    But you should equally take measures to not put yourself in situations that are risky/make your thoughtful boyfriend worry to much...
    So: he goes with you, and he stays sober.

    If he is a good boyfriend and wants you to be happy, invite him along as your date - he can come with you, join in with your friends.. but stay sober the whole time so that if anything does go wrong, he can protect you. Obviously he may not have the best night of his life, but he should be willing to do that to make you happy. Equally whilst it may not be ideal for you, it means you can have fun whilst keeping yourself safe, and keeping your boyfriend happy and involved.
    What a load of rubbish. Married or not, I'd never need permission from my partner to do something I wanted to do.
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    (Original post by Reue)
    What a load of rubbish. Married or not, I'd never need permission from my partner to do something I wanted to do.
    Needing permission is not something I said.

    What I said was that two people become one, and are equal halves in a whole. That means you have just as much say as the other person in everything that affects both of you. It does not mean, nor did I ever suggest, that one person has complete control over the other, requiring the other to gain permission.

    So your reply to me is a little pointless?

    See the three things:

    1, 2 individuals who have 100% control over their own actions, and very little over their partner
    2, 2 individuals, one has control over themselves and the other individual
    3, 2 individuals, both share control of the whole, meaning they have a bit of control over themselves, and a bit of control over the other.

    I advocate the third, where you each have influence/the ability to make effect your partners decisions and to stop things happening that really cause you problems.. but neither party has more or less control, and neither has complete control.

    In this case that would make the boyfriends initial actions reasonable, to voice his strong objection to his partners actions.
    It would also make the OPs actions reasonable.. she considered his objects and valued them higher then her will to go..
    Her current actions are again reasonable.. her situation has changed, and now the balance of the decision for her is going against her boyfriends desire

    The question is what the boyfriend does now.. for me the reasonable action is a compromise where she gets to do the thing she enjoys, but he can ensure her safety (as I mentioned in my post).

    That is the perfect situation for me, and would demonstrate a very healthy relationship.

    If they conform to my first example of two individuals, what would happen would be that the girlfriend would go out anyway, despite the boyfriends objections, they will argue, and their relationship will face difficulties.

    If they conform to my third example, then he will absolutly say no, and she should decide whether to conform to him, or more likely just leave him.

    personally I think most people object to the controlling example by reverting to individualistic example (both unhealthy in my opinion), whilst missing the more healthy middleground where you are not 2 seperate individuals, and one party is not dominating the other.
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    you can't seriously expect him to be ok with that? would you be comfortable with him going to clubs with his boys and dancing with drunk women? he sounds quite responsible imo, don't mess up 5years by being selfish and idiotic
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    you can't seriously expect him to be ok with that? would you be comfortable with him going to clubs with his boys and dancing with drunk women? he sounds quite responsible imo, don't mess up 5years by being selfish and idiotic
    And he's not selfish?
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    I'm no control freak when I'm in a relationship, and I certainly wouldn't ever tell a girlfriend of mine to do something in such a way, but it does beg the point of why go clubbing when in a relationship. Clubbing is largely for pulling purposes, I don't see the point if you're in a committed relationship.

    I'm making a distinction here between going to an average club, and some sort of house event or something, the latter can be justified but why do go to a typical weekend club if you don't wanna pull. Just my 2 cents.

    Though once again, I wouldn't TELL someone not to do it, that's controlling. But I as a male certainly wouldn't be out in seedy clubs if I had a committed partner for that length of time.
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    To be honest when I started reading and it said 'oh he won't let me go clubbing' my first thought was cry me a river, he probably can't go to his mates and drink and play xbox until four in the morning or there are certain things he used to do that he now doesn't because of you - that's how compromise in a relationship works. To a degree, if your partner is really against something do your best to work with them provided their behaviour isn't unreasonable. You never stop being your own individual but it'll never be a happy partnership if both parties do whatever they like ignoring the wishes of each other - this whole attitude is a big contributor to divorces according to the self reported reasons for filing.

    HOWEVER the next bit changed my mind. The idea he has imposed 'serious consequences', breakup or that he would blame you for being touched up is just odd. The fact he leaves the consequences unstated means it's a threat and that he would break up with a partner of five years over a single disagreement on one thing is odd. I haven't seen the rest of your relationship so I'm only commenting on what you've said but it is incredibly weird and not entirely logical, he isn't for example a fundamental christian demanding to wait until after marriage - this belief seems to have no core other than a discussion you had presumably around the age of 15. Further, that he would blame you for the touching is very odd - I trust my girlfriend enough to tell them to get the f**k off her that it wouldn't bother me but this seems insecure to me. Whilst I'd be livid if someone touched my gf like that I'd be cross at them, not implying responsibility to her provided she wasn't like leading them on for free drinks or something (and yes, girls do this before some white knight starts whining away at me). Point being the fact he would blame you seems to indicate he wouldn't trust you to behave appropriately and whilst people are awful when drunk, he should trust you until you breach that trust.

    If you've been together as long as you have, then sit down and talk about it. Have a proper discussion. You clearly love each other, or at least are happy in the relationship, if its lasted so long. Just talk. A lack of communication is the problem in so many cases - people start to play games and do dumb sh!t instead of just working through their issues.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi,

    I have been with mg partner for 5 years now , we got together when we was 15, and FROM the beginning he has said he is against going out to clubs. When i was younger i agreed and said i would never go, looking back I was young/nieve. I didn't think it would be a big deal... surely a relationship is more important than going out to a club? But now im 20, all my friends are going out to clubs and my boyfriend has said he will break up with me/serious concequences if i went. And to top it off if I got touched up in a club he said it would be my fault for putting myself in that environment and he wouldn't be able to deal with it. Im constantly finding myself making excuses as to why i cant go out, and even if my boyfriend did say i could go out, i would be scared ??? What if i got touched up?? Now i am happy with him and i dont think going to a club is worth sacrificingmy relationship but i jusy dont understand? All my friends have bfs and they can go??? Is this wrong???? What should i do??? I want to go out and have fun but i love mt boyfriend to pieces 😔 my bf always holds it against me that i have said before i wouldnt go and that he has always been this way nothing will change.
    You two need to have a calm discussion about this. Let him explain why he feels this way, without you interrupting him or trying to defend yourself. Then, you explain to him why you want to go clubbing, again without him interrupting you. Make sure it stays calm, no raising voices and don't turn it into a blame game. Then hopefully you'll see each other's points of view and come to an agreement.
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    (Original post by chanel_666)
    idgi why's everyone saying he's dumb she dated him knowing he wasn't ok with it, that's his preference just like she has her own, I would never date anyone who didn't want me going out but she decided to LOL it was her own decision n if she wants to go out clubbing she needs to break up with him
    This down to a T, can't believe people are somehow thinking OP has a defendable case.

    Don't like it then leave him.
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    (Original post by chanel_666)
    idgi why's everyone saying he's dumb she dated him knowing he wasn't ok with it, that's his preference just like she has her own, I would never date anyone who didn't want me going out but she decided to LOL it was her own decision n if she wants to go out clubbing she needs to break up with him
    This 100%...

    It certainly sounds controlling of the boyfriend, but the OP made a promise to her BF and knew about this since the beginning... I find it very hard to sympathise with that, you knew what you were getting into from the start and are now looking to backtrack on a promise that you made. I'm not saying the BF is right in what he's doing, but it's not as if the OP didn't know this would be an issue...
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    The second I read the title “Won’t let me” it said all I needed to know.

    At 20 you do not need permission from anyone to go out and do what you please. I would like you to just hold that thought firmly in place. You do not need permission, you do not need to inform anyone, you simply need to go out wherever you want and do whatever you want to do.

    Women have been brainwashed over many years to have seek permission, to be “allowed”and I really thought that since the 1980s we were well over this control, permission etc from men and domineering partners.

    To have to require permission at age 20 is abuse. Full stop, Psychological abuse. If you go further down the road in this relationship to possible marriage etc you will end up with a lifetime of regret about your early adult years and who knows, you may become a victim of a controlling relationship. You have the opportunity now to break out of this. Don’t let your 5 year relationship become a habit that is hard to break.

    I really do despair reading some of the comments on this post. It is the 21st century. It is long overdue that women are not controlled, need to seek permission or are coerced by men.
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    No, I have found that clubbing will eventually lead to an affair. He knows this, and that is why he doesn't want to deal with it.You are naive if you think that clubbing is just some innocent activity. It is the equivalent of a flesh market where guys and girls regularly hook up and you also probably drink alcohol.He knows that if you start clubbing regularly, chances are you WILL probably end up cheating on him. I don't blame him in the least. You knew this about him when you started dating him. It is you who are changing.If you wanna go clubbing and dress provocatively and drink and mingle with guys who (80%) want to **** you and take you home, that is your business. But I completely understand why he wouldn't want to date you after that. Nobody wants to be cheated on, and whether you even know it or not, clubbing is pretty much the easiest way to end up in another dude's bed.Everyone is getting on the guy for "controlling her" but he is just maintaining the exact same standards that he had when you all started dating.
    It is you who are changing, not him.
    I for one know where clubbing leads, and it certainly isn't a good thing. You will get hit on, you will get touched up, you will get chatted up, you will meet guys who are cute and nice and you will be drinking. if you club regularly, he knows that you're going to probably end up cheating on him, whether you want to or not. I've seen it happen time and time and time again. I wonder sometimes if women really don't understand the dynamics of what clubs are for and what the guys are there for...it's not "to have a good time"...well, it is...but that VERY often includes hooking up with random people and getting wasted.

    If you want to keep the relationship, aren't there dozens of other things you guys can do together? Is clubbing worth losing this relationship?
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    Don't see the harm in going clubbing if you are not looking to cheat on him, he sounds rather controlling.
 
 
 
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