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Boyfriend won't let me go clubbing? Watch

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    (Original post by Bernadette04)
    The second I read the title “Won’t let me” it said all I needed to know.

    At 20 you do not need permission from anyone to go out and do what you please. I would like you to just hold that thought firmly in place. You do not need permission, you do not need to inform anyone, you simply need to go out wherever you want and do whatever you want to do.

    Women have been brainwashed over many years to have seek permission, to be “allowed”and I really thought that since the 1980s we were well over this control, permission etc from men and domineering partners.

    To have to require permission at age 20 is abuse. Full stop, Psychological abuse. If you go further down the road in this relationship to possible marriage etc you will end up with a lifetime of regret about your early adult years and who knows, you may become a victim of a controlling relationship. You have the opportunity now to break out of this. Don’t let your 5 year relationship become a habit that is hard to break.

    I really do despair reading some of the comments on this post. It is the 21st century. It is long overdue that women are not controlled, need to seek permission or are coerced by men.
    Yes, and women today have been raised in 30 years of an education system that has told them that ANY desire they have is good, no matter what. That's why something like 75% of all cheating in relationships now comes from women.

    You missed the part where, when they met, they agreed that clubbing was a no-no. He isn't saying she CANNOT...he is saying that she cannot do it and still be part of his life.

    That "don't need no man" attitude, believe it or not, will land you with a house full of cats at 40. It is 2017 and women in the west are THE most privileged beings on this planet.

    He laid down a boundary in the relationship that he doesnt want to cross, and all you want to do is pretend it is still 1920 and that women are still oppressed. *You aren't.* Enough already.

    Believe it or not, men ARE allowed to have standards and boundaries too. It's not like he is LOCKING her up. He is saying that, if she chooses to do this, then they will not be able to date. Mainly because he knows what clubbing is actually about and he knows why people go clubbing and what happens when alcohol and slam dancing happens.

    Your advice is the advice of an angry feminist who is dragging up what happened 100 years ago to justify why this girl should make a rash decision right now.

    I guarantee that if this was a woman who was feeling insecure about her guy going clubbing with his friends, you would also side with the woman. And that is why your advice is biased and not to be trusted. Feminism in 2017 has failed women and has NOT made them happy. Just ask 35 year old women who are old and alone because they set their standards 5 degrees higher than what they were actually worth.
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    (Original post by Bernadette04)
    The second I read the title “Won’t let me” it said all I needed to know.

    At 20 you do not need permission from anyone to go out and do what you please. I would like you to just hold that thought firmly in place. You do not need permission, you do not need to inform anyone, you simply need to go out wherever you want and do whatever you want to do.

    Women have been brainwashed over many years to have seek permission, to be “allowed”and I really thought that since the 1980s we were well over this control, permission etc from men and domineering partners.

    To have to require permission at age 20 is abuse. Full stop, Psychological abuse. If you go further down the road in this relationship to possible marriage etc you will end up with a lifetime of regret about your early adult years and who knows, you may become a victim of a controlling relationship. You have the opportunity now to break out of this. Don’t let your 5 year relationship become a habit that is hard to break.

    I really do despair reading some of the comments on this post. It is the 21st century. It is long overdue that women are not controlled, need to seek permission or are coerced by men.
    Yes, and women today have been raised in 30 years of an education system that has told them that ANY desire they have is good, no matter what. That's why something like 75% of all cheating in relationships now comes from women.

    You missed the part where, when they met, they agreed that clubbing was a no-no. He isn't saying she CANNOT...he is saying that she cannot do it and still be part of his life.

    That "don't need no man" attitude, believe it or not, will land you with a house full of cats at 40. It is 2017 and women in the west are THE most privileged beings on this planet.

    He laid down a boundary in the relationship that he doesnt want to cross, and all you want to do is pretend it is still 1920 and that women are still oppressed. *You aren't.* Enough already.

    Believe it or not, men ARE allowed to have standards and boundaries too. It's not like he is LOCKING her up. He is saying that, if she chooses to do this, then they will not be able to date. Mainly because he knows what clubbing is actually about and he knows why people go clubbing and what happens when alcohol and slam dancing happens.

    Your advice is the advice of an angry feminist who is dragging up what happened 100 years ago to justify why this girl should make a rash decision right now.

    I guarantee that if this was a woman who was feeling insecure about her guy going clubbing with his friends, you would also side with the woman. And that is why your advice is biased and not to be trusted. Feminism in 2017 has failed women and has NOT made them happy. Just ask 35 year old women who are old and alone because they set their standards 5 degrees higher than what they were actually worth.

    I predict that your advice always includes references to things you've NEVER dealt with (women's suffrage, etc) and "Dump him." But that's not necessarily the best advice, nor is it honest advice.
    Why does it just so happen that she wants to do the one thing that, through their 5 years, they have BOTH agreed is a no-no? And now, because they guy sets boundaries you are comparing this to some kind of patriarchal mastering of her? No, he is just setting the boundaries of what HE is comfortable and UNcomfortable with, and he is just as allowed to do that as she is. Stop being such a neo-fem and seeing EVERYTHING through one lens....it won't help you in life, I promise.
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    (Original post by TheABC)
    Yes, and women today have been raised in 30 years of an education system that has told them that ANY desire they have is good, no matter what. That's why something like 75% of all cheating in relationships now comes from women.

    You missed the part where, when they met, they agreed that clubbing was a no-no. He isn't saying she CANNOT...he is saying that she cannot do it and still be part of his life.

    That "don't need no man" attitude, believe it or not, will land you with a house full of cats at 40. It is 2017 and women in the west are THE most privileged beings on this planet.

    He laid down a boundary in the relationship that he doesnt want to cross, and all you want to do is pretend it is still 1920 and that women are still oppressed. *You aren't.* Enough already.

    Believe it or not, men ARE allowed to have standards and boundaries too. It's not like he is LOCKING her up. He is saying that, if she chooses to do this, then they will not be able to date. Mainly because he knows what clubbing is actually about and he knows why people go clubbing and what happens when alcohol and slam dancing happens.

    Your advice is the advice of an angry feminist who is dragging up what happened 100 years ago to justify why this girl should make a rash decision right now.

    I guarantee that if this was a woman who was feeling insecure about her guy going clubbing with his friends, you would also side with the woman. And that is why your advice is biased and not to be trusted. Feminism in 2017 has failed women and has NOT made them happy. Just ask 35 year old women who are old and alone because they set their standards 5 degrees higher than what they were actually worth.

    I predict that your advice always includes references to things you've NEVER dealt with (women's suffrage, etc) and "Dump him." But that's not necessarily the best advice, nor is it honest advice.
    Why does it just so happen that she wants to do the one thing that, through their 5 years, they have BOTH agreed is a no-no? And now, because they guy sets boundaries you are comparing this to some kind of patriarchal mastering of her? No, he is just setting the boundaries of what HE is comfortable and UNcomfortable with, and he is just as allowed to do that as she is. Stop being such a neo-fem and seeing EVERYTHING through one lens....it won't help you in life, I promise.
    As I am married with 4 sons and aged 50 I do not need your life lessons lol!

    It is a sad indictment, domestic abuse, psychological abuse and grooming statistics have soared in the 21st century. What is shocking is that we have threads like this one about being allowed or permitted to do something as an adult ...and that goes for either sex. Going clubbing with friends seems to be some sort of cardinal sin by many posters on this thread and I find that very sad and a complete scandal when both young men and women have their own individual life choices to make and shouldn’t be forced into a corner if their choice doesn’t comply with a partners. In this case, the OP isn’t owned by anyone and should feel free to make a choice to go out with friends without having to ask permission or risk her partners wrath.

    As a western woman, I have made my choices and discussed them with my husband. If he disagrees with me he doesn’t hold the threat of breaking up over my head. Relationships are give and take constantly and the OPs partner needs to understand that.
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    Next you’ll be emailing Jeremy Kyle
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi,

    I have been with mg partner for 5 years now , we got together when we was 15, and FROM the beginning he has said he is against going out to clubs. When i was younger i agreed and said i would never go, looking back I was young/nieve. I didn't think it would be a big deal... surely a relationship is more important than going out to a club? But now im 20, all my friends are going out to clubs and my boyfriend has said he will break up with me/serious concequences if i went. And to top it off if I got touched up in a club he said it would be my fault for putting myself in that environment and he wouldn't be able to deal with it. Im constantly finding myself making excuses as to why i cant go out, and even if my boyfriend did say i could go out, i would be scared ??? What if i got touched up?? Now i am happy with him and i dont think going to a club is worth sacrificingmy relationship but i jusy dont understand? All my friends have bfs and they can go??? Is this wrong???? What should i do??? I want to go out and have fun but i love mt boyfriend to pieces 😔 my bf always holds it against me that i have said before i wouldnt go and that he has always been this way nothing will change.
    Tbh to me this is a huge red flag, I'd never go out with a guy that said I couldn't do whatever or go wherever I wanted. Your boyfriend is not in charge of you, you don't need his permission to do things and if he can't deal with that then he shouldn't be in a relationship. If he's like this now I'd worry that in the future he would be controlling about you seeing your friends and stuff like that too - obviously unacceptable.

    If you go out with a group of girls it's easy to avoid being touched up because the other girls can surround you if men start getting too close anyway.
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    (Original post by Bernadette04)
    It is a sad indictment, domestic abuse, psychological abuse and grooming statistics have soared in the 21st century.
    I would love to see you back up this statement with some proof.

    Especially a study which takes into account the rise in reporting and recognition of the abuse you mentioned.

    It seems utterly absurd to me to suggest that in the western world we have more domestic abuse now then we had 100 years ago, let alone that psychological abuse now is worse then in a time when men literally owned their wives.

    I suspect what has actually happened is a marked decrease in all the things you mention, but one that is coupled with a huge surge of awareness and reporting.. leading to more reported incidences, but less overall occurring.

    Happy to be proved wrong if you can back it up.
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    (Original post by TheABC)
    Yes, and women today have been raised in 30 years of an education system that has told them that ANY desire they have is good, no matter what. That's why something like 75% of all cheating in relationships now comes from women.
    Link please? It takes two to have an affair.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi,

    I have been with mg partner for 5 years now , we got together when we was 15, and FROM the beginning he has said he is against going out to clubs. When i was younger i agreed and said i would never go, looking back I was young/nieve. I didn't think it would be a big deal... surely a relationship is more important than going out to a club? But now im 20, all my friends are going out to clubs and my boyfriend has said he will break up with me/serious concequences if i went. And to top it off if I got touched up in a club he said it would be my fault for putting myself in that environment and he wouldn't be able to deal with it. Im constantly finding myself making excuses as to why i cant go out, and even if my boyfriend did say i could go out, i would be scared ??? What if i got touched up?? Now i am happy with him and i dont think going to a club is worth sacrificingmy relationship but i jusy dont understand? All my friends have bfs and they can go??? Is this wrong???? What should i do??? I want to go out and have fun but i love mt boyfriend to pieces 😔 my bf always holds it against me that i have said before i wouldnt go and that he has always been this way nothing will change.
    What a rubbish controlling bf you have.

    Its not about clubs, but it is about manipulation and respect. Dump him as he wont change.
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    (Original post by Tiger Rag)
    Link please? It takes two to have an affair.
    Unless lesbian affairs are suddenly all the rage? :teehee:

    Spoiler:
    Show

    So much the better if it means women don't have to be with controlling & abusive men!
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    (Original post by fallen_acorns)
    This thread - like many others - will quickly be filled up with the current catch phrases:

    'He doesn't own you'
    'He cant control you'
    'You are your own person, you can do what you want...'

    Its *******s though. And goes a large way to explain the current awfully high levels of divorce and single young people in the UK.

    When you are married, or in a very serious committed relationship (which after 5 years, I presume you are) You are not your own person any more.

    You are no longer an individual, you are now party of a team, a single unit.. you and your partner.. you have 2 peoples feelings to consider, and you should always be considering what is best for you as a couple and the happiness of your relationship.

    If you start thinking as 2 individuals, your relationship will quickly fail as distance comes between you. Obviously this does not apply to dating, or new relationships.. but slowly as your bond forms and you become a committed relationship, the only way to maintain it is to consider yourself one item, not two separate people.

    ---

    So to get to the question.. should you go clubbing?

    Personally I don't like clubbing.. and neither does my wife. Its a good match in this regard that makes both of us happy..

    There are somethings though that one of us likes and the other one doesn't.. for example my wife loves to dance and sing. I am not a fan of either.. but I go along with her to dancing events/clubs (not night clubs, places specifically to enjoy dancing), and I go with her and her friends to kareoke, because she enjoys it, and it makes her happy, which in tern makes our relationship happier.

    In return she does plenty of things for me that are not her favorite thing to do, and that she will not fully enjoy.

    ---

    The slight problem with clubbing comes from the risk factor. Spend a month on places like TSR, or just talking to people in real life, and its very obvious that the most likely cause of cheating is drinking/clubbing... by a long long way. It also puts you at much greater risk of being sexually harassed, raped, attacked, and exposed to drugs without your consent (or with).

    Now, for many these risks are considered small enough to not worry about. Its such a fun and happy thing to do with friends, that the risks are not important, or they feel that they can control themselves to minimize the risks.

    For me though If my wife was going out clubbing without me, I would spend the whole night worrying. Not because I don't trust her, she has proven her trust time and time again.. but because I don't trust the other 200 people in the club. So this would be my suggestion and my compromise for you two:

    Your boyfriend should make an effort to let you do the things that make you happy...
    But you should equally take measures to not put yourself in situations that are risky/make your thoughtful boyfriend worry to much...
    So: he goes with you, and he stays sober.

    If he is a good boyfriend and wants you to be happy, invite him along as your date - he can come with you, join in with your friends.. but stay sober the whole time so that if anything does go wrong, he can protect you. Obviously he may not have the best night of his life, but he should be willing to do that to make you happy. Equally whilst it may not be ideal for you, it means you can have fun whilst keeping yourself safe, and keeping your boyfriend happy and involved.
    The "you are no longer an individual" thing is such a dangerous notion. I would rather have a high divorce rate than a situation where people are stuck in hellish marriages for decades on end. It's healthy to maintain your own identity.

    The fact that he is doling out prohibitions indicates that he is controlling, insecure and abusive. I think the relationship has probably come to an end to be honest - you are only 20 and you don't need to be stuck with this mess. He could also become more controlling over time.
 
 
 
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