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Will I ever get over this feeling that I am just not good enough? Watch

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    When I was younger, I didn't really have the best of starts. My mum was very unwell, so could not work, and my dad left when I was a young age. He would spit in my face, and shout at me a lot. When I was about 12, I had call the Police a lot, as was either shouting at me or my mum, hitting her, or pouring orange juice over her head. My dad left when I was 12. I was put on the Child Protection Register, and was only removed when it was certain that he would not be returning to the family home, and after my grandparents had paid £5,000 to replace the doors he had punched, and the kitchen ceiling he had brought down. If it weren’t for my grandparents, I would have been taken in to care.

    Between the age of 14 and 16, my mum had fallen seriously unwell. I would help the best I could to care for her, but it was very bad. There was no heating in the house over winter, and there was no one to cook meals. My daily dinned consisted of. McDonalds meal, and a load of sweets, crisps and general junk food I would buy out of Home Bargains. My mum couldn’t work. The only household income was what she received in state benefits. I received Free School Meals, but I had so little confidence, I never went to the dining hall to receive them. I just stayed in the library at break times. My weight substantially increased with such a diet. By the time I became 17 my weight was 110KG. I was so shy in school. I just sat in the back of the class and got on with the work. All of this went unnoticed and I did not know at that time that I should have asked for help.

    What got me through it was that I had a flicker of hope: education. I knew that if I worked hard, I would get out that situation. I would work every night, just to really give myself something to do, and have something to aspire to. I fully focused on education at school, and didn’t take any interest in social affairs.

    It worked. My GCSE results, despite my target grades being all A/B grades were outstanding. I received 13A* grades. I was so proud of achieving these grades, in such circumstances.

    I never really engaged socially in school at all at GCSE level. Firstly, receiving only state benefits, my mum couldn’t really afford to send me to extra curricular clubs. Secondly, I was so fixated on academic achievement, to escape the circumstances I was in.

    Not engaging socially didn’t really bother be then. I always had hope that one day, the academic achievement would see me reach a good university, and ultimately, happiness.

    I continued to isolate myself during sixth form – working very hard, with a dream of reaching university. I had such high aspirations – I look back now, and realise they were unrealistic.

    Thankfully, my mum began to get better as I began sixth form. She began to get the professional help she needed, and things began to improve. She is now getting better. One day, hopefully soon, she will be able to get a job.


    I worked very hard throughout my A’ Levels. I attained fantastic grades – A*A*A*AA, that enabled me to attain a place at a top 5 Uni. I had never been happier. I left school having having achieved my dream - I had reached a very top Uni that would stand me in great stead for the future.

    I have just completed my first year at Uni - I got a promising mark in my first year - 67 - but amidst such a struggle. I initially started here a couple of years ago. I didn't complete my first year in my first attempt and had to take a year out, having go to unwell due to bullying and manipulation so bad that it almost drove me to the brink. I had take a year out and start again, and I felt so humiliated and ashamed to have been forced to do so. I even felt that the staff at the Uni had turned against me - making me take a year out because of bullying I suffered (I ended up taking my concerns about this to the OIA who partially agreed with them). In reality though, and looking back, despite being subject to such a tough appeals process two years ago, a year out was needed. I had become so unwell having started at such a pressured uni without any understanding of my Aspergers and the support I rightfully needed - and the horrific bullying that I suffered that I do now agree with the staff that I was very unwell and that they had my interests at heart in doing so.

    However, even though I am back on track - having achieved a good mark in my first year (despite more extenuating circumstances) and have made peace with the University staff by realising that they always had my interests at heart, I still just can;t get over an underlying feeling that I have really let myself down. I just don't feel that I am good enough. All in all, I lost three years of my life because of this bullying at University. To be honest, I always dealt with bullying at school, however, this was worse than name calling/emotional abuse. This person actually posed as the friend I had long strived have, having never had any close friends at school. He made me feel happy, however, all of the time, he was manipulating me, and in reality, just wanted to lose me the place at this Uni that I worked as hard for and isolated myself so much for at school. It was emotional abuse and manipulation of a vulnerable person at the very lowest of orders. Possibly coming back to the same Uni after what I suffered is my greatest ever life achievement - far greater than even a First Class degree would be say some staff here.

    My tough start has helped me in the sense that it gave me the resilience to return to the same Uni despite the trauma I suffered there and I know that I should give myself a bit of credit, but I just feel so strongly that I have let myself down. If only I had parents who were able to get me diagnosed younger, I would have had a happier time at school. If only I had been able to get some practice socialising at school, I would have not suffered such manipulation at University. I find it hard not to compare myself now and feel a gaping sense of inferiority compared to where I think that I could have been if I was properly supported at school, fully prepared for and had the support I needed at Uni from the outset and having not been as unfortunate as I was to have fallen victim to an evil predator who deprived me of any confidence for over two years and came so close to permanently destroying it.

    Ever since I was 3, my parents always emphasises the need not to 'fall behind'. This, over the years, has manifested in academic perfectionism and high ambitions, despite the difficult circumstances I grew up in. I am very tough on myself at times - especially so with this. Right from the infants, I always felt the need to be top of the year in my school. I am grateful (to an extent) to my parents (well, just my mum really) for instilling such a competitive attitude into me from a young age - it is what provided the motivation for all of my academic achievements through difficult times over the years. However, now, it is causing me quite a few problems. I may have got the best GCSE's, and got into the one of the best Universities in my entire year group - however, because I had no support here initially and became so unwell, I lost so much time. There are people in my year who worked hard at school, but nowhere near as hard as me. They had friends, a social life and things outside of academia too. All I have ever had was and is studying. It's what I have come to measure my success and, of late, my worth on. But those people in my year, who worked less hard than me and went to a less 'prestigious' university (I don;t really care one bit about the idea of 'prestige') have moved on so much whilst i have been struggling. Some are starting great, high-paying graduate jobs. Some are travelling the world, having got a First Class degree from a good RG uni. Some are even looking at starting PHD's. And where am I? Still here - I won't even graduate my undergraduate degree until next year.

    I have had this competitive attitude instilled in to me from day one. I know no different. Therefore despite having been through all I have endured, the skies still look grey. I have put a lot behind me, however, it is the sense of inferiority - that I have fallen behind everyone I knew and used to 'look up' to me for my 'determination in academia' (and 'lovely personality') that I am still struggling with. It is brining me down, and I find it so hard to focus on my work which I can only foresee a vicious circle coming if I don't snap out of this soon. It can break me at times seeing people who had a good balance between studying and social at school (whilst I studied all of the time) getting on and doing better than me. Not at all because I resent their successes - it is so great to see them do well. The way I see it is that I feel that I have let myself down by falling behind them and not keeping up with them. I worked so much harder than them at school. i shut myself off so much to escape my circumstances and do well. It can just feel as there is no justice. I lost two years of my life because I was bullied and no one cared about me enough in school to actually prepare me for University so that I would not suffer manipulation. I slipped under the radar at school and wasn't even diagnosed until University. How can I get over this and make peace with it?


    After I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome in my year out I finally got some of the support in place that I always needed. It has got me through my first year and I am so grateful for it. I do, genuinely, feel that I have at the very least accomplished something by not giving into the bully and leaving the University.

    How can I get over this feeling that despite everything that has happened not being my fault, I am still a failure who has let myself down? How can I stop comparing myself to old friends form school and feeling that I will never achieve what they have? How can I get over all of the bullying I gave suffered - at school and at Uni - and put my tough start behind me, so I focus on the future and lead a happy life? How can i make some nice friends who genuinely care about me>

    I am also just a bit worried about my future with my diagnosis, and would be grateful for any advice on this too.

    I know the I have the intellect to have a great future and hopefully make a really positive impact on many peoples lives - however, I am just worried that the Aspergers Syndrome, my poor family background and this feeling of having let myself down will hold me back - how can I possibly escape them?

    I just worry especially with the Aspergers, I will always struggle to make meaningful social connections, and as a result, always be lonely. I can't forge the networks that I will need to survive and advance in the working world. I really worry myself at the thought of growing old and going through all of the ill-health which can occur at that age totally isolated and alone, with no family around me. What will all my academic achievements be for then? I just think that I had such a difficult and isolated childhood that karma would say that I will have a happier future. I know that you can never leave anything to chance like that, or live in self-pityness, so I am working so hard at Uni to try and make a good future for myself.

    I am just worried that because of my Aspergers and poor family background, with no connections in the world of work, I will struggle to find any meaningful place in this world despite my efforts. With the enduring sense of failure I feel that i am for having lost three years of my life, I worry that I will never have any confidence.

    Please could you advise me if there is any help out there for people with Aspergers who are trying to make a success of Uni and a way in the world, or if there are any coping strategies that you know of.

    No one really cared about me in my old school enough to get me diagnosed. I slipped the net as I didn't have parents who could be there for me and get me the support I needed. I felt that no one cared for me at school. I am almost halfway through Uni now having made no close friends. All I have ever wanted is to do well academically, whilst finding a nice friendship group who really care about me and I no longer feel as if I have let myself down.
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    You are good enough. Always believe


    (I didn't read any of that btw)
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    (Original post by Tomm98)
    When I was younger, I didn't really have the best of starts. My mum was very unwell, so could not work, and my dad left when I was a young age. He would spit in my face, and shout at me a lot. When I was about 12, I had call the Police a lot, as was either shouting at me or my mum, hitting her, or pouring orange juice over her head. My dad left when I was 12. I was put on the Child Protection Register, and was only removed when it was certain that he would not be returning to the family home, and after my grandparents had paid £5,000 to replace the doors he had punched, and the kitchen ceiling he had brought down. If it weren’t for my grandparents, I would have been taken in to care.

    Between the age of 14 and 16, my mum had fallen seriously unwell. I would help the best I could to care for her, but it was very bad. There was no heating in the house over winter, and there was no one to cook meals. My daily dinned consisted of. McDonalds meal, and a load of sweets, crisps and general junk food I would buy out of Home Bargains. My mum couldn’t work. The only household income was what she received in state benefits. I received Free School Meals, but I had so little confidence, I never went to the dining hall to receive them. I just stayed in the library at break times. My weight substantially increased with such a diet. By the time I became 17 my weight was 110KG. I was so shy in school. I just sat in the back of the class and got on with the work. All of this went unnoticed and I did not know at that time that I should have asked for help.

    What got me through it was that I had a flicker of hope: education. I knew that if I worked hard, I would get out that situation. I would work every night, just to really give myself something to do, and have something to aspire to. I fully focused on education at school, and didn’t take any interest in social affairs.

    It worked. My GCSE results, despite my target grades being all A/B grades were outstanding. I received 13A* grades. I was so proud of achieving these grades, in such circumstances.

    I never really engaged socially in school at all at GCSE level. Firstly, receiving only state benefits, my mum couldn’t really afford to send me to extra curricular clubs. Secondly, I was so fixated on academic achievement, to escape the circumstances I was in.

    Not engaging socially didn’t really bother be then. I always had hope that one day, the academic achievement would see me reach a good university, and ultimately, happiness.

    I continued to isolate myself during sixth form – working very hard, with a dream of reaching university. I had such high aspirations – I look back now, and realise they were unrealistic.

    Thankfully, my mum began to get better as I began sixth form. She began to get the professional help she needed, and things began to improve. She is now getting better. One day, hopefully soon, she will be able to get a job.


    I worked very hard throughout my A’ Levels. I attained fantastic grades – A*A*A*AA, that enabled me to attain a place at a top 5 Uni. I had never been happier. I left school having having achieved my dream - I had reached a very top Uni that would stand me in great stead for the future.

    I have just completed my first year at Uni - I got a promising mark in my first year - 67 - but amidst such a struggle. I initially started here a couple of years ago. I didn't complete my first year in my first attempt and had to take a year out, having go to unwell due to bullying and manipulation so bad that it almost drove me to the brink. I had take a year out and start again, and I felt so humiliated and ashamed to have been forced to do so. I even felt that the staff at the Uni had turned against me - making me take a year out because of bullying I suffered (I ended up taking my concerns about this to the OIA who partially agreed with them). In reality though, and looking back, despite being subject to such a tough appeals process two years ago, a year out was needed. I had become so unwell having started at such a pressured uni without any understanding of my Aspergers and the support I rightfully needed - and the horrific bullying that I suffered that I do now agree with the staff that I was very unwell and that they had my interests at heart in doing so.

    However, even though I am back on track - having achieved a good mark in my first year (despite more extenuating circumstances) and have made peace with the University staff by realising that they always had my interests at heart, I still just can;t get over an underlying feeling that I have really let myself down. I just don't feel that I am good enough. All in all, I lost three years of my life because of this bullying at University. To be honest, I always dealt with bullying at school, however, this was worse than name calling/emotional abuse. This person actually posed as the friend I had long strived have, having never had any close friends at school. He made me feel happy, however, all of the time, he was manipulating me, and in reality, just wanted to lose me the place at this Uni that I worked as hard for and isolated myself so much for at school. It was emotional abuse and manipulation of a vulnerable person at the very lowest of orders. Possibly coming back to the same Uni after what I suffered is my greatest ever life achievement - far greater than even a First Class degree would be say some staff here.

    My tough start has helped me in the sense that it gave me the resilience to return to the same Uni despite the trauma I suffered there and I know that I should give myself a bit of credit, but I just feel so strongly that I have let myself down. If only I had parents who were able to get me diagnosed younger, I would have had a happier time at school. If only I had been able to get some practice socialising at school, I would have not suffered such manipulation at University. I find it hard not to compare myself now and feel a gaping sense of inferiority compared to where I think that I could have been if I was properly supported at school, fully prepared for and had the support I needed at Uni from the outset and having not been as unfortunate as I was to have fallen victim to an evil predator who deprived me of any confidence for over two years and came so close to permanently destroying it.

    Ever since I was 3, my parents always emphasises the need not to 'fall behind'. This, over the years, has manifested in academic perfectionism and high ambitions, despite the difficult circumstances I grew up in. I am very tough on myself at times - especially so with this. Right from the infants, I always felt the need to be top of the year in my school. I am grateful (to an extent) to my parents (well, just my mum really) for instilling such a competitive attitude into me from a young age - it is what provided the motivation for all of my academic achievements through difficult times over the years. However, now, it is causing me quite a few problems. I may have got the best GCSE's, and got into the one of the best Universities in my entire year group - however, because I had no support here initially and became so unwell, I lost so much time. There are people in my year who worked hard at school, but nowhere near as hard as me. They had friends, a social life and things outside of academia too. All I have ever had was and is studying. It's what I have come to measure my success and, of late, my worth on. But those people in my year, who worked less hard than me and went to a less 'prestigious' university (I don;t really care one bit about the idea of 'prestige' have moved on so much whilst i have been struggling. Some are starting great, high-paying graduate jobs. Some are travelling the world, having got a First Class degree from a good RG uni. Some are even looking at starting PHD's. And where am I? Still here - I won't even graduate my undergraduate degree until next year.

    I have had this competitive attitude instilled in to me from day one. I know no different. Therefore despite having been through all I have endured, the skies still look grey. I have put a lot behind me, however, it is the sense of inferiority - that I have fallen behind everyone I knew and used to 'look up' to me for my 'determination in academia' (and 'lovely personality' that I am still struggling with. It is brining me down, and I find it so hard to focus on my work which I can only foresee a vicious circle coming if I don't snap out of this soon. It can break me at times seeing people who had a good balance between studying and social at school (whilst I studied all of the time) getting on and doing better than me. Not at all because I resent their successes - it is so great to see them do well. The way I see it is that I feel that I have let myself down by falling behind them and not keeping up with them. I worked so much harder than them at school. i shut myself off so much to escape my circumstances and do well. It can just feel as there is no justice. I lost two years of my life because I was bullied and no one cared about me enough in school to actually prepare me for University so that I would not suffer manipulation. I slipped under the radar at school and wasn't even diagnosed until University. How can I get over this and make peace with it?


    After I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome in my year out I finally got some of the support in place that I always needed. It has got me through my first year and I am so grateful for it. I do, genuinely, feel that I have at the very least accomplished something by not giving into the bully and leaving the University.

    How can I get over this feeling that despite everything that has happened not being my fault, I am still a failure who has let myself down? How can I stop comparing myself to old friends form school and feeling that I will never achieve what they have? How can I get over all of the bullying I gave suffered - at school and at Uni - and put my tough start behind me, so I focus on the future and lead a happy life? How can i make some nice friends who genuinely care about me>

    I am also just a bit worried about my future with my diagnosis, and would be grateful for any advice on this too.

    I know the I have the intellect to have a great future and hopefully make a really positive impact on many peoples lives - however, I am just worried that the Aspergers Syndrome, my poor family background and this feeling of having let myself down will hold me back - how can I possibly escape them?

    I just worry especially with the Aspergers, I will always struggle to make meaningful social connections, and as a result, always be lonely. I can't forge the networks that I will need to survive and advance in the working world. I really worry myself at the thought of growing old and going through all of the ill-health which can occur at that age totally isolated and alone, with no family around me. What will all my academic achievements be for then? I just think that I had such a difficult and isolated childhood that karma would say that I will have a happier future. I know that you can never leave anything to chance like that, or live in self-pityness, so I am working so hard at Uni to try and make a good future for myself.

    I am just worried that because of my Aspergers and poor family background, with no connections in the world of work, I will struggle to find any meaningful place in this world despite my efforts. With the enduring sense of failure I feel that i am for having lost three years of my life, I worry that I will never have any confidence.

    Please could you advise me if there is any help out there for people with Aspergers who are trying to make a success of Uni and a way in the world, or if there are any coping strategies that you know of.

    No one really cared about me in my old school enough to get me diagnosed. I slipped the net as I didn't have parents who could be there for me and get me the support I needed. I felt that no one cared for me at school. I am almost halfway through Uni now having made no close friends. All I have ever wanted is to do well academically, whilst finding a nice friendship group who really care about me and I no longer feel as if I have let myself down.



    You've been through one hell of a lot, OP, and before I say anything else, you are NOT a failure and that you haven't let yourself down. I think that you're being very harsh and critical towards yourself in this post. Have you thought about seeking therapy to help cope with what you've been through and with the negative emotions?

    Do you have any hobbies or interests that you can pursue or pick up in your spare time?

    The National Autistic Society has some useful resources for adults with Aspergers. Personally, I found their life and social skills resources really useful in learning how to manage social situations and in dealing with people. As for developing social skills, you have to put yourself out there in social situations and learn. There's really no other way to go about it.

    There are people out there who will enjoy your company and appreciate you for who you are, especially if you do have a lovely personality.

    I have been through similar circumstances at school. Whenever I feel low about my own academic and life achievements in working towards my own future, one of Confucius' quotes that helps me to motivate myself is: "It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop." This quote also helps if I also start to compare myself with other people.

    It takes time to heal from all the hurt but you will get there, OP. :hugs:
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    (Original post by DragonHexes)
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    You've been through one hell of a lot, OP, and before I say anything else, you are NOT a failure and that you haven't let yourself down. I think that you're being very harsh and critical towards yourself in this post. Have you thought about seeking therapy to help cope with what you've been through and with the negative emotions?

    Do you have any hobbies or interests that you can pursue or pick up in your spare time?

    The National Autistic Society has some useful resources for adults with Aspergers. Personally, I found their life and social skills resources really useful in learning how to manage social situations and in dealing with people. As for developing social skills, you have to put yourself out there in social situations and learn. There's really no other way to go about it.

    There are people out there who will enjoy your company and appreciate you for who you are, especially if you do have a lovely personality.

    I have been through similar circumstances at school. Whenever I feel low about my own academic and life achievements in working towards my own future, one of Confucius' quotes that helps me to motivate myself is: "It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop." This quote also helps if I also start to compare myself with other people.

    It takes time to heal from all the hurt but you will get there, OP. :hugs:
    I just feel that without any social skills, i am never really going to be able to get myself into those networks I need to do progress. I'll never get very far without it. I worked so hard at school and it is all for nothing. I have fallen behind - no one cares. I have failed. All of my hard work was for nothing.
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    I wish that I could have a better natural social ability.
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    (Original post by Tomm98)
    I wish that I could have a better natural social ability.
    Honestly, I was in the same situation as you a couple of years ago, in terms of social skills (still my academic career was abysmal compared to yours xD). I knew I cannot go on this way and thus, decided to get out of my comfort zone. Even if it felt like I was not being me, I would go beyond to try and be interactive with people who I think are worth being friends with. You just gotta try to become the ideal you want to be, even if it means putting yourself in situations you are not accustomed to.

    P.S. I barely read 1/4 of your post. Sorry if this isn't any help at all ┬┴┬┴┤ ° ͜ʖ °)
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    You haven't even finished uni yet, how have you failed in any way? My early childhood until uni was a very bad time for me also. Bullying etc. But dwelling on it doesn't change it at all. I've just accepted that some people have better times than others. I was just unfortunate to have a really **** 10+ years of my life.
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    Considering your start in life you haven't fallen behind. Not everyone has a fair go at life and you've done pretty bloody well given the hand you were dealt. As for social skills, there are careers where they are much less necessary than others.
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    (Original post by Tomm98)
    I wish that I could have a better natural social ability.
    Yeah me too
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    (Original post by Tomm98)
    I wish that I could have a better natural social ability.
    I'm exactly the same I just don't really know how to make friends.
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    (Original post by Tomm98)
    I just feel that without any social skills, i am never really going to be able to get myself into those networks I need to do progress. I'll never get very far without it. I worked so hard at school and it is all for nothing. I have fallen behind - no one cares. I have failed. All of my hard work was for nothing.
    You haven't fallen behind nor have you failed. Life isn't one giant race. It's easier said than done but you need to stop comparing yourself to other people and take life at your own pace.

    Yes, having Aspergers can make it more difficult to learn and understand social skills and that there are often more hurdles to overcome, but like I said, you need to put yourself out there in order to develop the social skills you want. I pretty much had no social skills when I first started sixth form and I had to push myself out of my comfort zones. I found that speech and language therapy also helped a lot with understanding and coping in social situations etc.
 
 
 
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