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    Yeah, so I have severe depression, which I have had for at least 10 years now (I'm 24), and let me tell you, living in pain that long is not easy. I also have apparently got "borderline personality disorder".

    I'm sick of no one understanding the pain I'm going through. Today, my dialectical behavioural therapist told me that "there are people out there with no legs and no arms who can't do the things I can." Fair enough, that's true, but it doesn't change the fact I am in pain that I can't control. Honestly, I think I'm on the worst end of the spectrum of mental/emotional pain. I don't think it gets worse than what I go through every day. I'm not saying other people don't suffer, I'm sure there are those that do, but what I'm trying to say is that I've been at rock bottom a long time. And i've tried out all the anti depressant medications in the world. I get that there are other people suffering, but saying there are people who are physically disabled doesn't change whatever the hell it is that's going on in my head that I can't control. Doesn't she see that I already feel guilty enough? I don't need to be made to feel any more guilty. If I could be any other way I could.

    All the therapists I've tried out have been so useless. It's like they don't understand the excruciating pain i go through just by being alive. I know this is a very negative post but I'm at the end of my tether. I've tried all types of therapy, I've tried all types of medication, I don't see a way out of this now. What's the bloody point
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    Look, I feel bad for your pain but if I'm being honest you've got to accept some personal accountability here. At the end of the day life is about how you personally view it. That is what the therapist is trying to say. There will always be people who have it worse...... children diagnosed w/ terminal cancer, young adults paralyzed in accidents, people who lose all their possessions (everything) due to situations out of their control (hurricanes, flooding, fires, losing a job for reasons that have nothing to do with them but they still end up losing their house etc.). There are endless examples of people in these situations who just 'get on with it' - they find the positives in life, they still give back, they still manage to smile. You are frankly living in a world of your self making and believe me I DO know what you are describing. You are going to have to make the choice to allow yourself to get better and see the positives in life. If you continue to live the Eeyore existence then it is on you. No therapist can make you happy. NO ONE is always happy. Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh but I've seen and lived with this - I've also seen this person get sooooo much better because of their person choice. If you feel guilty (truly) then take the steps suggested by her and everyone else you've spoken with and make the effort to improve. It is not easy but it is achievable if that is what you want. It's not ever just going to change because you attended therapy or took a pill. You have to make the concerted effort to change your thought patterns and behavior but if you're in a DBT program you already know that.

    Want to 'get better' - get out of your own head and go help those people who are less fortunate than you are! Go volunteer in a hospital, see those smiling children with cancer and go help make their life better the day you are there. Then stay busy...... stay busy! Give back to the world and don't expect to be happy all of the time and don't expect that talking to a therapist will help w/out doing the work suggested - including medication.

    I truly wish you the best of luck. YOU can improve your life when YOU want to..... Just like an alcoholic or drug addict isn't going to get better until they own it and decide to make a life change. You may not be on illicit drugs (I hope not) or alcohol but it is similar in that you have to own your own behavior and expectations and decide to make changes in your own life.
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    (Original post by Hopefully1)
    .
    Thanks for your reply, i do appreciate the time you've taken but I don't think you do understand. Because I have an energy zap that means I can't even move, and I dissociate so I don't even feel real and I can't communicate with others. Sometimes I can't even speak. Do you think I want to feel like that? Do you think I want to be like this? If it was so easy, then sure, i would just snap out of it. I'm not living in a world of my own making because I can't control what I' m feeling, and most of the time that's pretty intense emotion.

    I'm carrying a weight with me all the time. When I try to just get on with things and enjoy life, my body is completely weighed down. and i think if you knew what that was like you wouldn't speak in the way you have, and neither would she. I do appreciate your efforts to help and understand, but you don't seem to.

    As for, go to the hospital to look after kids... I'm actually the kind of person who has gone out of the way to help people who are suffering. I'm the person who notices a frail confused old person on the bus and stops to get them a bottle of water, or spends time writing lengthy replies to teenagers having problems on the internet. Those who know me best describe me as incredibly loyal and say that since I've a child i've been too nice to everyone. I spent my adolescent years as a carer for an ill family member. Niceness and good acts aren't returned - I know one thing now, i've given too much to others, and nothing to myself. So now I'm empty.

    And no, I don't do drugs, and I don't drink alcohol, even when I'm around people that do. Because I'm trying like hell to over come my depression. Why do you think I'm going to the therapist in the first place if I'm not actively seeking help... honestly.

    Sorry if this comes across as rude but I'm honestly sick of people making out they understand what a mental disorder feels like, when they have no clue how it takes control over you. What i'm really sick of though, is being controlled by it.
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    what options are there available to you that you think would help you move forward?
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    (Original post by Lepidolite)
    what options are there available to you that you think would help you move forward?
    Good q. Need to think about the steps i take when I feel weighed down and overwhelmed. Like allowing myself to feel the emotion. Acknowledge the emotion, maybe. Or view a horrible feeling as something which could also be enlightening or beautiful. I don't know.
    Writing about it when it happens, could help me, and help touch others in the same position. And help those who don't understand to understand.

    Options to move forward. A chance of scenery. Being close to nature, close to art, close to music. A pet maybe.
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    I relate so much.
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    it's ok every one suffers from sadness in this country
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    I wonder how some people get jobs working in mental health. That is literally like no. 1 on the list of 'dumb stuff to say to epople with mental health problems'. Some therapists genuinely astound you with their inability to understand anything. I've been there too (told my counsellor I was worried I'd lost too much weight and her response was 'oh I wouldn't worry you could probably live to 80 as you are, I understand, fasting is just an amazing experience' - I was emaciated and nearly hospitalised a few weeks later). That said - there are some amazing therapists out there, you have obviously just got a bit unlucky here. It's always worth telling a therapist that what they said is stupid, it's not your job to help them be better at their but long term it's worth doing and sometimes you'll find they did realise it was a stupid thing to say after. But don't give up. You can make progress, it's just hard work. If you can't work with this therapist ask if there is a possibility to switch to someone else.
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    (Original post by doodle_333)
    I wonder how some people get jobs working in mental health. That is literally like no. 1 on the list of 'dumb stuff to say to epople with mental health problems'. Some therapists genuinely astound you with their inability to understand anything. I've been there too (told my counsellor I was worried I'd lost too much weight and her response was 'oh I wouldn't worry you could probably live to 80 as you are, I understand, fasting is just an amazing experience' - I was emaciated and nearly hospitalised a few weeks later). That said - there are some amazing therapists out there, you have obviously just got a bit unlucky here. It's always worth telling a therapist that what they said is stupid, it's not your job to help them be better at their but long term it's worth doing and sometimes you'll find they did realise it was a stupid thing to say after. But don't give up. You can make progress, it's just hard work. If you can't work with this therapist ask if there is a possibility to switch to someone else.
    I've had real trouble getting help from any therapist. This is my third long term therapist, and that's not including all the other random psychiatric nurses etc I've seen over the years.
    This particular therapist my family are paying for because the NHS were so useless at getting any specific help for me. In that sense I have a privilege, but my family are paying more out of desperation than anything, because I was at a massive low this year. The fact it's private and so expensive makes you expect better help. This is supposed to be a really experienced therapist, but I really don't feel she understands where I'm coming from at all.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I relate so much.
    It's good to know someone does relate
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    remember therapists are like puzzle pieces, there's one that fits with you somewhere but it requires give and take.
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    (Original post by Thalamic)
    remember therapists are like puzzle pieces, there's one that fits with you somewhere but it requires give and take.
    What exactly do you mean by give and take?

    I think very experienced and well qualified therapists should be able to do their job regardless of the individual. I don't think individuals should have to seek out their 'missing puzzle piece'.

    Have you personally found the therapist that fits you exactly?
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    I want to say ditch the therapist but if you keep going you’re proving to yourself that you are trying to overcome this so stick it out as long as you can, I cant stand it when people try and put your own pain into perspective by saying ‘oh, this person has got it worse than you’ it’s just so irrelevant to what you’re experiencing. I don’t think you need to go through this alone but I do think you are the only person who knows what works and what doesn’t work for you, sorry for not being much help, I can relate to you but what I’m going through isn’t as serious, just keep going - you owe it to yourself
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    I don't know how to quote but yeah I did, it took me seven different people and hell of a lot of getting irritated with them. Therapists are still people at the end of the day they are trying their best to help you believe it or not, you have to try the things they suggest at least for a week or two just to see if they're useful. I hated mine when I first met her and almost didn't go back but I did and now can connect with her, she doesn't always understand things perfectly, but I can explain things to help her get it and now how to help.
    Obviously she's not the perfect therapist but it works and it helps.
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    That's good, I don't think the perfect therapist exists so we should take whatever we can get
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    Hey,

    I’ve also been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (I think it’s called emotionally unstable personality disorder now). I’ve had multiple hospital admissions to treat self harm and suicide attempts, and I was in a psychiatric unit for half a year, I have been on lots of different antidepressants and antipsychotics and mood stabilisers and sedatives, and I also suffer from an eating disorder, so believe me - I understand what you are going through. I get you.

    I think I noticed a pattern in your thinking that often happens to me - I tend to have a “filter” that alters things that people say to me into other things, and so then I get upset with people about things that they didn’t even say/mean/do. Maybe in your case, when your therapist said “there are people out there with no legs and no arms who can’t do the things you can,” it came out as very invalidating. Us people who have BPD are very sensitive to what we perceive as criticism or rejection, and your therapist should have known better because DBT is all about validating all that pain that we’re going through. Maybe what she wanted to say was, “I know that you’re experiencing so much pain and distress and it’s so unfair, but maybe a way to deal with it could be to compare your situation to people worse than yours (physically) to help you be grateful and appreciate what you do have - i.e. physical capability. In fact it’s a DBT skill - ACCEPTS, distracting with comparisons.

    Obviously your filter made you hear something like this instead: “your pain means nothing because there are people who have it worse than you. You’re physically capable and that means you should be fine so stop whining.” (Or something along those lines.) What I’m trying to say is that maybe your BPD turned a well-intentioned (but not very considerate or validating) comment into a critical, invalidating one?

    On the other hand, part of DBT is also being radical and quite blunt in order to motivate and promote change. That’s the whole point of DBT - changing our behaviours. For example, my therapist lets me call her at any time if I am in a crisis, provided that I haven’t self harmed which means that she can coach me so I can use the DBT skills instead. She’ll also shower me with praise if I don’t self harm. If, however, I have already self harmed, she will be quite cold with me and say “you’ve already solved your problem.” This will make me feel guilty when I do self harm, and will prompt me into changing my behaviour.

    I understand that you already feel guilty enough and that you’re already doing what you can to change things. I know how it feels when it seems as though everyone around you is telling you to try harder but you’re already doing everything you can. But maybe your therapist just wanted to give you some radical inspiration?

    Obviously I don’t know your therapist so it might equally just be that she’s a rubbish one. I have seen so many different mental health professionals in hospital and in the community, and the truth is that, to make progress with our treatment, we need to communicate with the therapist and be transparent with them, and we need them to be like that too. What if you told her what you wrote in the post? That way you could resolve the issue and she’ll know to be more validating in the future.

    If you’re finding she really isn’t helping you at all then you can always change therapists. Or maybe it’s not just the therapist, but the approach/therapy too? Maybe talk to your GP? And if your meds aren’t helping - get a meds review with your psychiatrist! Meds are supposed to reduce our symptoms to help us battle our illness! It also takes a while to find the combination and dosage that works perfectly for us - it’s mainly trial and error, so just keep trying.

    Also another thing - you may not believe me, but things do change. Inevitably, things will get better. But for that to happen, we need to keep going and be open to changing our behaviour and our thinking patterns. You know yourself better than anyone. You’re doing really well, keep it up. Best of luck xx
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've had real trouble getting help from any therapist. This is my third long term therapist, and that's not including all the other random psychiatric nurses etc I've seen over the years.
    This particular therapist my family are paying for because the NHS were so useless at getting any specific help for me. In that sense I have a privilege, but my family are paying more out of desperation than anything, because I was at a massive low this year. The fact it's private and so expensive makes you expect better help. This is supposed to be a really experienced therapist, but I really don't feel she understands where I'm coming from at all.
    I doubt working privately makes people significantly better and many super experienced therapists are totally ****. They just keep doing the same bad things for a long time while saying 'I've been practicing X years' so people think they must be good because you don't really 'see' the results given therapist is confidential.

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What exactly do you mean by give and take?

    I think very experienced and well qualified therapists should be able to do their job regardless of the individual. I don't think individuals should have to seek out their 'missing puzzle piece'.

    Have you personally found the therapist that fits you exactly?
    I think the poster means that therapists are people therefore personalities are going to an issue. Most therapists will try and be flexible and adapt but you are going to naturally 'click' with some and just not get on at all with others and some will be in the middle - just because of personality differences. However since most are in the middle you do have to be a bit accommodating and work at getting on with them, let little things go, accept it's not a perfect relationship and they're just human - otherwise you'll waste a lot of time looking for the perfect therapist.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hey,

    I’ve also been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (I think it’s called emotionally unstable personality disorder now). I’ve had multiple hospital admissions to treat self harm and suicide attempts, and I was in a psychiatric unit for half a year, I have been on lots of different antidepressants and antipsychotics and mood stabilisers and sedatives, and I also suffer from an eating disorder, so believe me - I understand what you are going through. I get you.

    I think I noticed a pattern in your thinking that often happens to me - I tend to have a “filter” that alters things that people say to me into other things, and so then I get upset with people about things that they didn’t even say/mean/do. Maybe in your case, when your therapist said “there are people out there with no legs and no arms who can’t do the things you can,” it came out as very invalidating. Us people who have BPD are very sensitive to what we perceive as criticism or rejection, and your therapist should have known better because DBT is all about validating all that pain that we’re going through. Maybe what she wanted to say was, “I know that you’re experiencing so much pain and distress and it’s so unfair, but maybe a way to deal with it could be to compare your situation to people worse than yours (physically) to help you be grateful and appreciate what you do have - i.e. physical capability. In fact it’s a DBT skill - ACCEPTS, distracting with comparisons.

    Obviously your filter made you hear something like this instead: “your pain means nothing because there are people who have it worse than you. You’re physically capable and that means you should be fine so stop whining.” (Or something along those lines.) What I’m trying to say is that maybe your BPD turned a well-intentioned (but not very considerate or validating) comment into a critical, invalidating one?

    On the other hand, part of DBT is also being radical and quite blunt in order to motivate and promote change. That’s the whole point of DBT - changing our behaviours. For example, my therapist lets me call her at any time if I am in a crisis, provided that I haven’t self harmed which means that she can coach me so I can use the DBT skills instead. She’ll also shower me with praise if I don’t self harm. If, however, I have already self harmed, she will be quite cold with me and say “you’ve already solved your problem.” This will make me feel guilty when I do self harm, and will prompt me into changing my behaviour.

    I understand that you already feel guilty enough and that you’re already doing what you can to change things. I know how it feels when it seems as though everyone around you is telling you to try harder but you’re already doing everything you can. But maybe your therapist just wanted to give you some radical inspiration?

    Obviously I don’t know your therapist so it might equally just be that she’s a rubbish one. I have seen so many different mental health professionals in hospital and in the community, and the truth is that, to make progress with our treatment, we need to communicate with the therapist and be transparent with them, and we need them to be like that too. What if you told her what you wrote in the post? That way you could resolve the issue and she’ll know to be more validating in the future.

    If you’re finding she really isn’t helping you at all then you can always change therapists. Or maybe it’s not just the therapist, but the approach/therapy too? Maybe talk to your GP? And if your meds aren’t helping - get a meds review with your psychiatrist! Meds are supposed to reduce our symptoms to help us battle our illness! It also takes a while to find the combination and dosage that works perfectly for us - it’s mainly trial and error, so just keep trying.

    Also another thing - you may not believe me, but things do change. Inevitably, things will get better. But for that to happen, we need to keep going and be open to changing our behaviour and our thinking patterns. You know yourself better than anyone. You’re doing really well, keep it up. Best of luck xx
    Thanks for your reply, it was very insightful and good to hear from someone experiencing similar.

    Though, what do you mean about accepting through comparing? Because to me, comparing myself to others is one of my worst traits. It takes me down the road of "I should man up like everyone else" "Everyone else can manage but i can't, because I'm weak" "People are stronger than me, there's something wrong with me." For me, comparing is something I should be doing less, or at least be doing differently.

    I have had some time to reflect and I think a lot of what you've said in your post is right. She probably didn't mean to belittle my suffering, but that's the way I interpreted it. It felt like she wasn't validating what I feel. But ultimately it is the challenge to myself to validate what I feel, because I often don't accept my emotions as worthy. I make the sort of statements above to myself, about how I'm weak, etc. And her saying that thing about "There are people who don't have arms and legs" hit hard because I often do perceive myself to be weak compared to such people.

    That said, if I put her statement into context - she was referring to how I had started a new activity and there are some people that don't even have that choice - she was probably more trying to make me see that there are lots of possibilities for me the future. She was trying to make me realise the position I am in, and the things I could do with my life, but it probably wasn't a very sensitive comment. She also did bring up a lot of stuff about cancer patients that she works with, and how they only have three months left to live, and they need to think about what they are going to do in that time. It is kind of intense to bring up cancer patients with someone who doesn't take their own emotional suffering seriously.

    She is probably trying to help but sometimes I do question the approach, because I do perceive a lot of her comments to be dismissive of what I'm going through or judgements on me. What you said about feeling that rejection really hard being typical of emotionally unstable/borderline, makes sense. I feel like I'm revealing very intimate parts of myself to her and she is kind of my lifeline at the moment so if she dismisses something, or I perceive it as dismissive, it is pretty hard. E.g. I was talking to her about my death anxiety and how I have often felt tired of life, emotionally/physically exhausted, and felt that my body was about to give up on me soon, and that I would die soon. That is a persistent fear in my life, but her response was to joke about it by saying. "Well, if you've been feeling that way a long time, and you haven't died yet, what does that tell you?" It's true, she was trying to prove that my thoughts/feelings were illogical and she had a point. It's easier to see that on reflection, and sure, what she said makes mesne, but it was really hard to take at the time, because it felt like she was ridiculing something which has been very difficult to me, and ridiculing is belittling.

    Thanks for your reply and support though. I'm sorry you've had the struggles you've had. I feel a lot of the onus is on us to really really want to engage with this therapy, and really want to change, which is obviously hard. It's worth it though. I feel like we'll come out of it at least a lot more wise than we would have been otherwise. How long have you been doing DBT for and can you notice changes? Are you doing it privately or on the NHS? Did you have to go through a lot of therapists before you found one that worked? Xx
 
 
 
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