help needed

I have known my current boyfriend for as long as I can remember. We have been together for 4 years. ( began aged 14 , we are now 18 ) At the end of last year I noticed that his effort for our relationship and respect towards me was much less than before. he is a very aggressive person and recently lashed out at me. We have talked this through A LOT. Upsettingly, he has been lying to me about drug use and has kept it behind my back. Could this be why he has had a change in his respect and effort for everything? He has changed so much from who he was when we began dating and it scares me. I try to talk to him and he just doesn't listen ( I don't want to make a fight ) I recently also found out that he has been doing more drugs behind my back, lying to me about it and saying really mean things about me to his sister. I'm truly devastated. I am the most selfless person ever and would do anything for him but I know it's just wouldn't be the same if I needed him the other way around. I'm smart and not a pushover! Has anyone been in this situation where someone changes so much from who you thought they were ? How can I feel better? It's beginning to impact my mental health , - am I being stupid or is there something I'm doing wrong?

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

of course it's not your fault, and if he's making you think that it is then that's very unhealthy. as you got together while quite young and have basically grown up together, it must be very hard to let go of that, but you have to accept that you may have to. as you have grown up together it means he's grown up too and so isn't necessarily the same person as before (unlike with adults, who are less likely to change so drastically). the relationship you described sounds like it is damaging to you and though it may be hard and scary, the best thing might be to save yourself from someone who does not care about your wellbeing

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

it's not your fault if he's changed. as you were young when you started dating he's likely to have changed and this may be who he is now. it's ok if who he is now isn't the same person you love. your relationship sounds like it could be damaging you and though it may be hard at first it might be best for you to look after your own wellbeing and leave

Reply 3

Fant

You’re not doing anything wrong at all- I can tell you’re just a lovely person for wondering this! To be plain and honest, you can feel better by getting out of that relationship.

I was in a relationship when I was 18 and in just under a year that we were together he became moody and manipulative and lied to me a lot- and if he hadn’t decided to break up with me I think I’d have been with him for a lot longer, so I can completely sympathise with you there.
I think at 14 you’re a completely different person to how you are at 18, you change and grow a lot. Respect in a relationship should always go both ways, and it seems he is not at all deserving of yours!

I can imagine you’re devastated, but your mental health is so important, especially at this time of your life! The best thing you can do is end your relationship- you should never not be able to talk to your partner. While it’s been 4 years, I can totally understand how it feels to think about breaking up with him, but think of it as an experience, rather than anything else. Be “selfish” for once! You come first! :smile:

Ask yourself this; If you broke up with him, would you feel any more upset than you do now?

Feel better soon <3

Reply 4

Sammyxxx

Thank you so much guys! Just feels like I'm in a rut I can't get out of 😪X

Reply 5

ef_

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(edited 5 years ago)

Reply 6

Sammyxxx

Original post by Anonymous

Thank you for your advice😀 Do you have any advice on how to deal with the drug use he has been lying about and the messaging his older sister nasty things about me? ( he doesn't know I know this) x

Reply 7

Sammyxxx

Original post by Fant

Ask yourself this; If you broke up with him, would you feel any more upset than you do now?

Feel better soon <3

Thank you so much it really means a lot ❤️. It's nice to hear you understand how I feel. It is scary as it would be losing a best friend and boyfriend in 1. Do you have any advice on how to deal with his lying/the best way to go about it? He doesn't know I know he's taken other drugs and that he's been speaking nastily of me behind his back? I'm too livid to think of sensible ideas! Xx

Reply 8

Sammyxxx

Original post by ef_

I’ve not been in a relationship like this myself but, from what I can see my heart aches for you! It’s completely not your fault, if he’s losing his respect for you and not treating your right then you need to get out of there! Especially if its affecting your mental health...you deserve so much better :frown:

Thank you so much. I really am hurt but love him so much. I know that it's bad so I'm finally asking for advice which is something I'd never do!do you have Any advice on how to deal with them lying? Xx

Reply 9

Kseniya MilkCHoc

You began to date at a VERY young age, when person is only developing, he is just a child and exactly at the age of 18 his identity is starting to change. It's not your fault the best way would be to split apart as you see if he doesn't long for changing ,he won't ,and the absence of wish means that his feelings are not so strong towards you

Reply 10

Crumpet1

Okay, so he lashes out at you, he takes drugs, he says nasty things about you behind your back, he wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire.

It's rather hard to see why you have so little self respect that you are still with him ... unless it's just habit, which I suspect it is.

This relationship is doomed. Get out of it, and focus on your A'levels and your future for the next 8 months.

Reply 11

ef_

Original post by Sammyxxx

You could talk to him about trust?

Reply 12

Sammyxxx

Original post by Crumpet1

I think it's only relevant for you to say that if you have been in a 4 year relationship yourself otherwise you have no idea what it feels like. I do understand what you are saying though and it makes sense. I do have high respect for myself and as you don't know me don't see how you can comment. It has only recently started to change and I'm well aware of it , hence why I am asking for help.
Oh and also I'm not from England so I already have all A1's in my exams so luckily It's not a concern at moment.
Thanks for your comment tho xx

Reply 13

Sammyxxx

Original post by ef_

You could talk to him about trust?

I supose I could try my best. 😫

Reply 14

Crumpet1

All my relationships have lasted over 2 and 1/2 years, if that helps. Currently happily married for 12. But I do have (and always have had) a bottom line on the way that people treat me and I don't compromise on that. Probably the relationship where I did compromise most was my first one, where the boyfriend I had for 3.5 years was a liar, and didn't really recognise the importance of the truth. I put up with it "because I loved him" but after ending it I recognised that it was important to me, and also that I had put up with it for too long because it had been my first relationship and I had been too inexperienced to realise that some things shouldn't be compromised for love. I did a lot of thinking and learned a lot. As you become an adult it is important to recognise inappropriate behaviour in your friends, colleagues and loves, and know what your own boundaries of acceptability are. That may mean jettisoning people who don't fit with your own morals. And don't make the mistake of thinking you can fundamentally change a person!