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Does anyone wanna listen to my problems and give me some advice? xo Watch

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    Heey,
    so I've been having a rough time recently and I've been needing to get some things off my chest , and since i don't want to reveal this **** to family or friends i thought TSR would be a great place to get some advice. This is going to be a long post ,and if you're commenting please have an open mind and don't judge. I need advice not a battering. If you take the piss I'll just report you. Background: 20 y/o girl, uni student. Okay here it goes :

    This is all true.

    -I was sexually abused by my father and don’t have a good father figure.

    Sexually abused by my father when i was 14. I’ve only admitted this once to my mum and at the time she didn’t even take it seriously , it made me feel belittled. She told me 6 years later that she misunderstood how serious it was. She’s super religious and I hate how taboo sex is with her that she couldn’t even help out her own daughter and speak openly.

    So nowadays I still feel scared of him, and have never let myself get close to him or alone with him again after that. That’s pretty sad to see it typed out but that’s what I went through and no one knew. I never trusted him after that period of time and he would sometimes make sexual remarks or laugh to himself when I walk in the room and even to this day, at age 20, I feel uncomfortable in his presence. I bet he doesn’t even remember doing it.


    He caused a lot of destruction and pain in the family, and I won’t get into major details about what he did , but a quick background - he’s schizo- typal , ( a milder form of schizophrenia) deluded and paranoid ,and was violent in the house to my older brother and caused so much destruction . Emotionally abusive to my mum who seems to think its her job to endure **** for no reason. It was bad especially during my teenage years when me and my brother and sister were all growing up. Also he was obsessively controlling about where I could go and with who , subconsciously made me think I couldn’t do it myself, holding back my development.


    I’m so conflicted because I feel like almost there are 2 people inside him. I feel guilty for hating him, but can you blame me?

    He’s better now that he's older (60), but he's still that same person inside and it makes me feel queasy to be honest that he still lives here.

    My mum did her best but I never felt a full support from her- today she makes me feel awful about my virtue and spiritually and doesn’t accept me as a person ( having sex before marriage, drinking) etc. I have to hide a lot from her. She stresses me out constantly and creates anxiety with her reminders that I may burn in hell soon.

    So I feel like i don't have a father to fall back on, to guide me through life, and I feel stupid for saying this but i do feel attracted to older guys who can make my decisions for me and take care of me, and I did start seeing a guy in his 40s a few months ago, but broke it off, because turns out he was married ( smh)

    -Insecure about my looks

    Although I'm told I'm pretty, I'm not conventionally pretty- I'm not white, I'm tanned, light brown, with everything alright I guess but a huge bumpy nose, I’m very mixed race looking with brown hair thats now dyed blonde. I plan on having a nose job and even started wearing hazel contacts to change my brown eyes too. I’ve always been the odd one out from my friends not just in looks but personality and background.

    I grew up in a totally white place with no-one similar to me, and I felt like i could never open up 100% with my white friends about my family life/ background and the gazillion problems and **** that Muslim parents will bring in your life, because they don't understand, naturally- they don't get why i have to lie about going out, with friends (in the daytime even), they don't know the struggle of wearing a long dress and tights and huge coat to a party, and then changing quickly in to a cute dress in the toilets, they don't now about having no mum to talk to when a guy hurts you and you get dumped (because she thinks you're not dating anyway, god forbid), they don't get that having to lie so much is exhausting and makes me feel like a bad person. I don’t want to burden my happy friends with my *****y problems, also.

    A few times I felt the ‘chilliness’ of culture divide from not only strangers but people i know too, and more than few times I’ve been poked fun at for my race or interrogated about Islamic extremism blah blah blah. I know that people see my ethnicity before they see me.

    I do feel very conscious that I look completely different to everyone else, and when guys or whatever do compliment my appearance it’s often that I'm ‘exotic’, furthermore reminding me I’m noticed first and foremost for looking compactly different to the crowd and sticking out like a sore thumb.


    I’ve been abandoned by guys and heartbroken too many times , that now i feel very cynical about love. I just feel like life would be so much better if I were perfect. Perfect nose, teeth, body. Getting ghosted/ dumped just reinstates the belief that I'm not good enough. I push away the guys who do really like me because somehow I never attract the guy who I’M attracted to, ffs. Maybe it’s my vibes, I start feeling awkward like I'm not good enough so I'm not charming like I can be with people I feel good with.
    I can’t deal with opening up my heart to boys anymore. Just can’t. I had a panic attack after the last guy I was dating ghosted me. Seeing married men cheat so many times also just makes me re think if guys can even be faithful . Which brings me to my next confession, THIS IS HEAVY SO DONT BLOODY JUDGE IF YOU CANT HANDLE IT


    -In January I got into prostitution and in March was assaulted on the job

    So I lost some weight and noticed the difference in how people treat me, and realised a lot of men seem to be interested. I so badly, so badly want a nose job. And i know a good one will cost £10,000, I've researched. My family has always struggle financially and I've never been able to buy much of what i wanted. So I realised I could benefit from my looks, and one thing led to another and a few months ago I got into this line of work , part time, because i also am a uni student.

    I’ve made a ridiculous amount of money on the job - i wont quote figures but- it’s unbelievable because I've been dirt poor all my life. But i do feel like I've sold my soul to the devil. So since I’ve made money from my body and sensuality, I feel that my self esteem is almost totally defined by my looks- so if I have a bad hair day or feel chubby, I can’t interact with people and go out- I feel ugly and worthless.
    But then there are moments when I feel great, but it’s very fleeting . It improves when I remind myself of how well I sing/ play guitar and write songs, write poetry and am academic , but I’m hard on myself and don’t celebrate my achievements* at all i just look forward to the next improvement.

    The job is stressful and dangerous, which is the cost of earning so much fast cash. I’ve been assaulted on the job, robbed, and ridiculed. While 90% of interactions are honestly nice and really pleasant , there are some like that. I have mild PTSD , and high anxiety and depression after all thats happened in the last 10 months. Keeping it a secret is a huge stress and i do wonder if my family an friends would leave me if i told them the truth. My brother knows kindof that i met sugar daddies a few times, but i don't think he knows the true extent of it.


    -Moody/Biopolar?

    I’m by nature extremely sensitive and empathetic so any experiences or reactions from people, good or bad, affect me strongly and can swing my mood like a great pendulum from one distance to another. So setbacks make me feel worthless, and a series of successes can give me a false confidence. I hardly even trust my own mind anymore as to what reality is.
    Because I’m attractive to some and ugly to others, special to one and forgettable to the next, I don’t know my worth and feel completely lost.



    -I have no real sense of identity /Identity Crisis

    Growing up in a household of mixed cultures, I feel torn between choosing a path of Muslim religiousness with prayer / abstinence , and the normal British life of partying/ drinking/ boyfriends etc. I feel like two different people with some friends and others, I feel like a fraud. I worry about my spirituality and fate after death and I feel conflicted about if religion is stupid or if it’s the truth.
    I’ve taken rebellions steps like drinking and having sex which my parents / aunts uncles in my family would dream of doing. Thankfully I have my older brother and cousin in the same boat. I think I’d go crazy without my brother. Last year I went off the rails partying and coming off as somewhat promiscuous (thats what you get for denying a girl boys for 19 years), and did so many things I’ve super embarrassed about, so I switched university and started anew this year.



    -Anxiety in crowds/ Social Anxiety ?

    Last one i promise, I definitely have some degree of anxiety in crowds , but I don’t know if this is actually social anxiety because , although I'm shy, I'm perfectly fine with people one on one or even groups and can have great conversations. Probably to everyone else I seem normal. Because I'm good at faking. But crowds like lecture or exam halls or even dining halls send my anxiety through the roof and I often miss lectures or dinner because of it. I feel trapped and like I’m too vulnerable like people can see my nose from awful angles or I look fat when I sit.

    It’s irrational but it’s just there and I want the feeling to go away. It’s so much better when I sit at the back of the hall so I feel safer . I just don’t like crowds. It’s over stimulating to say the least.




    -Conclusion

    So I feel very emotionally unstable . I find it hard to trust anyone at all. I’m scared of guys my own age, especially the ones who are attractive and seem successful- the ones I’d like to be with.* Because I don’t feel that way and I feel less worthy.
    I don’t trust people who seem to really like me, (strangers / new acquaintances).
    Guys or girls. Because of the assault from the woman and being screwed over badly by a male client, I’m very wary of what they want from me. And wary in general of who might be stalking me when I'm walking alone at night / when I get calls from random numbers, because of the enemies I've made in this job, because there are bad, BAD people running these escorting businesses, like awful money hungry pimps who would hire you and then rob you and beat you if you try leave them.

    Also I wonder why (regular) people would like me so much, right off the bat, and get fearful and skeptical of their intention. Because I'm very gullible and naive, and I’ve trusted the wrong people before, I don’t know who to trust. So I trust no one.


    Inside I’m scared people still see me as the fat ugly girl, and would be disgusted if I were to talk to them. Guys especially.

    I’m extremely self-conscious but not proud. Spend ages getting ready but not out of vanity.
    I don’t know where I stand with looks and so I can’t commit to anything or anyone.
    I definitely have an aversion to commitment and like A LOT of my own space. I’m fussy over being perceived as perfect.

    I’m constantly faking self confidence when I have none. Maybe this confuses people and they think I’m stuck up? Or mentally deranged? Maybe I am, I don’t know that’s why I’m here.

    I’m naturally very shy so this might make me seem stuck up; because of my anxiety and self esteem issues its been hard making friends at uni and am only friendly with a handful of people.

    I feel like an imposter who isn’t actually beautiful or hot and one day someone will turn around and point at me or show me a picture and be like “ hahahah can’t believe you thought you had a chance with me lol look at you ” 😔
    (I hate how i look in pictures )

    If I could find a way to have a good, stable self esteem, and be more open in relationships, I think that would be a great outcome. Because right now I’m stuck my head and am just isolating myself and I know I have so much more potential than this.

    At my best I can be the funniest, most charming, brave caring energetic person. But I feel like a different person to the girl a year ago, and I probably act like it too.

    Thoughts . Advice ? 

xx
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    bumppp
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    Yeah here.
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    My only thoughts are that you're a self hating prostitute.
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    (Original post by Nebuchadnezzaṛ)
    My only thoughts are that you're a self hating prostitute.
    Way to make her feel better -.-
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    Didn't even bother reading it all lol.

    Just.... do something... I dunno 😂😂
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    (Original post by Bill Nye)
    Way to make her feel better -.-
    yeah i was just waiting for when some ******** would comment ..
    x
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    So i literally read all of this and shocked by it. So much in one persons life omg. But i believe that all your mistakes and what you go through in life make you how you are today and you can decide that. You can be that strong girl who fights for what they believe is right and wrong. You don't keep quiet about what's happened you open up so that people who might be in the same situation as you have been can feel like they can open up and share their story. I will admit we all have felt that we are ugly at times (I know I have😕) but I get over it because you know what I AM AWESOME I AM BEAUTIFUL and I literally like LITERALLY laugh after I say that in my head obviously. All I am saying is have self respect for yourself BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE DON'T LET OTHERS CHOSE. We live in a generation where we can do what we want and we have that freewill of choosing our paths. Yeh you took a wrong turn but you can always do a U-Turn. It's never too late. About you identity crisis I can't really tell you what to believe in but if you feel you need religion in your life to get you into the right path then go right ahead and follow what YOU want to believe in not your parents. Last thing, why do you think you need a nose job? Like trust me, I am 15 and my teeth are bad, I get embarrassed when I talk to people (I have braces missing 2 teeth) and my parents could pay £4,000 just for 2 teeth but what would that achieve? Nothing in my opinion might me make more confident but I wouldn't want to waste their money on that when they could pay for my university or mine or my brothers future wedding idk but you know what that's makes me and I know you might not like this but that 'huge bumpy nose' you hate makes you and one day someone who loves you will be like that's my girl all natural and flawless 👌🏼 but if you think a nose job would help you build confidence then go ahead not judging 🙂 I really respect you for sharing your story I was moved by it hopefully my advice is good but idk I couldn't ignore this post. Hope your life goes great 👍🏼
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    (Original post by WeirdLife)
    So i literally read all of this and shocked by it. So much in one persons life omg. But i believe that all your mistakes and what you go through in life make you how you are today and you can decide that. You can be that strong girl who fights for what they believe is right and wrong. You don't keep quiet about what's happened you open up so that people who might be in the same situation as you have been can feel like they can open up and share their story. I will admit we all have felt that we are ugly at times (I know I have😕) but I get over it because you know what I AM AWESOME I AM BEAUTIFUL and I literally like LITERALLY laugh after I say that in my head obviously. All I am saying is have self respect for yourself BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE DON'T LET OTHERS CHOSE. We live in a generation where we can do what we want and we have that freewill of choosing our paths. Yeh you took a wrong turn but you can always do a U-Turn. It's never too late. About you identity crisis I can't really tell you what to believe in but if you feel you need religion in your life to get you into the right path then go right ahead and follow what YOU want to believe in not your parents. Last thing, why do you think you need a nose job? Like trust me, I am 15 and my teeth are bad, I get embarrassed when I talk to people (I have braces missing 2 teeth) and my parents could pay £4,000 just for 2 teeth but what would that achieve? Nothing in my opinion might me make more confident but I wouldn't want to waste their money on that when they could pay for my university or mine or my brothers future wedding idk but you know what that's makes me and I know you might not like this but that 'huge bumpy nose' you hate makes you and one day someone who loves you will be like that's my girl all natural and flawless 👌🏼 but if you think a nose job would help you build confidence then go ahead not judging 🙂 I really respect you for sharing your story I was moved by it hopefully my advice is good but idk I couldn't ignore this post. Hope your life goes great 👍🏼


    this really made me smile and you're only 15 , i can tell you have a big heart ! *hugs* yeah i took a major wrong turn, the thing is i feel like i still need to go back to that work to earn my money but i need to think hard about it.
    thankyou x
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    (Original post by Texxers 3.0)
    Didn't even bother reading it all lol.

    Just.... do something... I dunno 😂😂

    yh thanks. lol.
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    You are a beautiful person with intrinsic worth, the way you already are. If guys don't recognise that and mess you around, that is very much their loss and not yours.

    The fact that you've been through all that you describe, and can still think about it all and be as stable and as reasonable as you show yourself to be above, only reaffirms to me what a strong and worthy and promising person you are.

    I really wish I could reach through the internet somehow and give you a hug.
    • #2
    #2

    What university are you doing?I would suggest to focus on your studies perhaps so you can escape the reality.I have never been in a situation like yours I send you my best wishes.Have you thought of going to a psychologist or a psychiatrist?I myself am seeking help for my mental issues.Have you thought of quitting your job?I myself am struggling with eating I don't eat meat or milk or eggs.I feel like the ugliest person in the world desperate to be loved.I know TSR can be a rubbish place to share you inner struggles as few replies are helpful.I myself don't have a father figure my dad left my mum when I was born he was then in and out of my life and then he just left it forever for another women.I felt devastated a rejected.I have a stepfather but I know he will never love because no one ever can love me.It is not easy when you crave the attention and guidance of a father figure I myself crave it too.I have never been abused fortunately.

    I cannot imagine how rough your childhood must have been.I feel like mental struggle is on another level as they can mend a broken arm but not a broken mind and a broken heart.I feel like it is an inner struggle you carry with you for a lifetime I am struggling for 2-3 years mentally and no matter how many psychiatrists and psychologist I would see no one knows what it is like to be overwhelmed by sadness every single day.You pretend to be ok and inside you are devastated and broken putting on a show showing and telling everyone what they want to hear which is that you are fine as no one truly cares how you feel and wants to hear your deepest sorrows.They refer to you as an attention seeker often or as a manipulator.

    Sorry if my reply is not very good I just want you to know that you are not alone.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    What university are you doing?I would suggest to focus on your studies perhaps so you can escape the reality.I have never been in a situation like yours I send you my best wishes.Have you thought of going to a psychologist or a psychiatrist?I myself am seeking help for my mental issues.Have you thought of quitting your job?I myself am struggling with eating I don't eat meat or milk or eggs.I feel like the ugliest person in the world desperate to be loved.I know TSR can be a rubbish place to share you inner struggles as few replies are helpful.I myself don't have a father figure my dad left my mum when I was born he was then in and out of my life and then he just left it forever for another women.I felt devastated a rejected.I have a stepfather but I know he will never love because no one ever can love me.It is not easy when you crave the attention and guidance of a father figure I myself crave it too.I have never been abused fortunately.

    I cannot imagine how rough your childhood must have been.I feel like mental struggle is on another level as they can mend a broken arm but not a broken mind and a broken heart.I feel like it is an inner struggle you carry with you for a lifetime I am struggling for 2-3 years mentally and no matter how many psychiatrists and psychologist I would see no one knows what it is like to be overwhelmed by sadness every single day.You pretend to be ok and inside you are devastated and broken putting on a show showing and telling everyone what they want to hear which is that you are fine as no one truly cares how you feel and wants to hear your deepest sorrows.They refer to you as an attention seeker often or as a manipulator.

    Sorry if my reply is not very good I just want you to know that you are not alone.
    wow i appreciate you total honesty. yeah its **** when people don't understand, that you don't want to go out clubbing to flirt with guys because of all the past heartbreak, and you think that it will just end in that again , and the depression that comes with it.
    happiness is definitely hard to hold on to and like you said, how do you mend a broken heart ?? Sometimes i feel like humans have a limited ability to be heartbroken until they totally break

    Living without a good dad is hard, first you don't know what you're missing out on, until you see someones dad being so kind and caring , and a safe person for them, and then it hits me how much I missed out on.

    I don't know how to help with the absence of your father but if you find good role models, mentors and friends that ill help you . best of luck to you x
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      god help you i don't even know what to say. by mixed, do you mean one of your parents is a different race to the other? cause the way you structured it made it seem that they are both Muslim/same race but you feel conflicted with white-British culture/where you are growing up. i really would encourage you to delete or edit some of the stuff you wrote, purely because i doubt people are going to give you valid advice on every single point you mentioned. plus you didn't even post it anonymously so i guess you don't care if this blows up and your friends/people you know find out. i'm trying to not be judgemental but i just think you are quite a messy person.

      do you have any goals in life? academically, spiritually or?? and with this whole nose job bs, you really need to think about it. from what you've written, it's highly likely that you will not end up being just as, if not more insecure about your physical appearance. are you out of the whole prostitution business for good now? cause girl, if you back you are an idiot, it has left you quite emotionally unstable. you feel lost, i guess those 'guys' might make you feel sexy and in control, but trust me this is not going to help you in the long run. in fact, your whole prostitution paragraph seemed quite childish, i mean you're justifying your actions and putting yourself in a potentially dangerous and life-threatening situation for a nose job. a nose job. a nOSE JOB. i just can't...

      i really hope you don't take this all personally, i don't know you and i'm just trying to explain what this whole thing looks like from a different perspective. i'm sorry that you were abused by your father. i am not entirely against prostitution, and think that it can be justified ONLY if it is your last option to making money. from what you've said, you seem financially stable enough to not be out on the streets. you do attend university (may i ask which course you are taking?), so that does allow you to have some opportunities. do not put your health and well being on the line, for quick and easy money. ask yourself, is it completely vital that i get a nose job now? can i wait a few years? where do i see myself in 2-3 years time? i'm sorry that i can't comment on everything that you mentioned, and i really hope that this all works out for you and that you become more emotionally stable. are you planning to move out anytime soon? get married? do you think you can mend the relationship between you and your mother, and reach some sort of mutual understanding? keep us updated xx
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      (Original post by anosmianAcrimony)
      You are a beautiful person with intrinsic worth, the way you already are. If guys don't recognise that and mess you around, that is very much their loss and not yours.

      The fact that you've been through all that you describe, and can still think about it all and be as stable and as reasonable as you show yourself to be above, only reaffirms to me what a strong and worthy and promising person you are.

      I really wish I could reach through the internet somehow and give you a hug.
      on risk of sounding like a total sop, honestly reading this made me cry a little. this was such a nice thing to read. thank you. i won't do it justice by rambling , just thank you. I 'd give you a big hug too .:heart:

      xx
      • #2
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      (Original post by esmeralda17)
      wow i appreciate you total honesty. yeah its **** when people don't understand, that you don't want to go out clubbing to flirt with guys because of all the past heartbreak, and you think that it will just end in that again , and the depression that comes with it.
      happiness is definitely hard to hold on to and like you said, how do you mend a broken heart ?? Sometimes i feel like humans have a limited ability to be heartbroken until they totally break

      Living without a good dad is hard, first you don't know what you're missing out on, until you see someones dad being so kind and caring , and a safe person for them, and then it hits me how much I missed out on.

      I don't know how to help with the absence of your father but if you find good role models, mentors and friends that ill help you . best of luck to you x
      Making friends is hard with Aspergers I feel quite lonely sometimes I want to be studious and well educated as I was told the most powerful thing that a women can have is knowledge. But there are days I am just sad and want to do absolutely nothing and then I feel pissed off as my grades are rubbish and medicine seems way out of reach.How are you finding university?What career path are you thinking of?I know what you mean about the Dad thing when I watch tv and I see those loving fathers I wish I could come home one day and hug a dad of some sort and hear them say I love you and I am proud of you.My step father does not seem to like me he does not understand my issues and my strong desire for a father figure he is not very interested in being that father figure. I wish I had someone who I can come to and tell them my deepest worries and have them listen to me.Psychologists tell me that no family is perfect and that a father is unnecessary etc but they don't understand how it feels.
      • #2
      #2

      (Original post by esmeralda17)
      Heey,
      so I've been having a rough time recently and I've been needing to get some things off my chest , and since i don't want to reveal this **** to family or friends i thought TSR would be a great place to get some advice. This is going to be a long post ,and if you're commenting please have an open mind and don't judge. I need advice not a battering. If you take the piss I'll just report you. Background: 20 y/o girl, uni student. Okay here it goes :

      This is all true.

      -I was sexually abused by my father and don’t have a good father figure.

      Sexually abused by my father when i was 14. I’ve only admitted this once to my mum and at the time she didn’t even take it seriously , it made me feel belittled. She told me 8 years later that she misunderstood how serious it was. She’s super religious and I hate how taboo sex is with her that she couldn’t even help out her own daughter and speak openly.

      So nowadays I still feel scared of him, and have never let myself get close to him or alone with him again after that. That’s pretty sad to see it typed out but that’s what I went through and no one knew. I never trusted him after that period of time and he would sometimes make sexual remarks or laugh to himself when I walk in the room and even to this day, at age 20, I feel uncomfortable in his presence. I bet he doesn’t even remember doing it.


      He caused a lot of destruction and pain in the family, and I won’t get into major details about what he did , but a quick background - he’s schizo- typal , ( a milder form of schizophrenia) deluded and paranoid ,and was violent in the house to my older brother and caused so much destruction . Emotionally abusive to my mum who seems to think its her job to endure **** for no reason. It was bad especially during my teenage years when me and my brother and sister were all growing up. Also he was obsessively controlling about where I could go and with who , subconsciously made me think I couldn’t do it myself, holding back my development.


      I’m so conflicted because I feel like almost there are 2 people inside him. I feel guilty for hating him, but can you blame me?

      He’s better now that he's older (60), but he's still that same person inside and it makes me feel queasy to be honest that he still lives here.

      My mum did her best but I never felt a full support from her- today she makes me feel awful about my virtue and spiritually and doesn’t accept me as a person ( having sex before marriage, drinking) etc. I have to hide a lot from her. She stresses me out constantly and creates anxiety with her reminders that I may burn in hell soon.

      So I feel like i don't have a father to fall back on, to guide me through life, and I feel stupid for saying this but i do feel attracted to older guys who can make my decisions for me and take care of me, and I did start seeing a guy in his 40s a few months ago, but broke it off, because turns out he was married ( smh)

      -Insecure about my looks

      Although I'm told I'm pretty, I'm not conventionally pretty- I'm not white, I'm tanned, light brown, with everything alright I guess but a huge bumpy nose, I’m very mixed race looking with brown hair thats now dyed blonde. I plan on having a nose job and even started wearing hazel contacts to change my brown eyes too. I’ve always been the odd one out from my friends not just in looks but personality and background.

      I grew up in a totally white place with no-one similar to me, and I felt like i could never open up 100% with my white friends about my family life/ background and the gazillion problems and **** that Muslim parents will bring in your life, because they don't understand, naturally- they don't get why i have to lie about going out, with friends (in the daytime even), they don't know the struggle of wearing a long dress and tights and huge coat to a party, and then changing quickly in to a cute dress in the toilets, they don't now about having no mum to talk to when a guy hurts you and you get dumped (because she thinks you're not dating anyway, god forbid), they don't get that having to lie so much is exhausting and makes me feel like a bad person. I don’t want to burden my happy friends with my *****y problems, also.

      A few times I felt the ‘chilliness’ of culture divide from not only strangers but people i know too, and more than few times I’ve been poked fun at for my race or interrogated about Islamic extremism blah blah blah. I know that people see my ethnicity before they see me.

      I do feel very conscious that I look completely different to everyone else, and when guys or whatever do compliment my appearance it’s often that I'm ‘exotic’, furthermore reminding me I’m noticed first and foremost for looking compactly different to the crowd and sticking out like a sore thumb.


      I’ve been abandoned by guys and heartbroken too many times , that now i feel very cynical about love. I just feel like life would be so much better if I were perfect. Perfect nose, teeth, body. Getting ghosted/ dumped just reinstates the belief that I'm not good enough. I push away the guys who do really like me because somehow I never attract the guy who I’M attracted to, ffs. Maybe it’s my vibes, I start feeling awkward like I'm not good enough so I'm not charming like I can be with people I feel good with.
      I can’t deal with opening up my heart to boys anymore. Just can’t. I had a panic attack after the last guy I was dating ghosted me. Seeing married men cheat so many times also just makes me re think if guys can even be faithful . Which brings me to my next confession, THIS IS HEAVY SO DONT BLOODY JUDGE IF YOU CANT HANDLE IT


      -In January I got into prostitution and in March was assaulted on the job

      So I lost some weight and noticed the difference in how people treat me, and realised a lot of men seem to be interested. I so badly, so badly want a nose job. And i know a good one will cost £10,000, I've researched. My family has always struggle financially and I've never been able to buy much of what i wanted. So I realised I could benefit from my looks, and one thing led to another and a few months ago I got into this line of work , part time, because i also am a uni student.

      I’ve made a ridiculous amount of money on the job - i wont quote figures but- it’s unbelievable because I've been dirt poor all my life. But i do feel like I've sold my soul to the devil. So since I’ve made money from my body and sensuality, I feel that my self esteem is almost totally defined by my looks- so if I have a bad hair day or feel chubby, I can’t interact with people and go out- I feel ugly and worthless.
      But then there are moments when I feel great, but it’s very fleeting . It improves when I remind myself of how well I sing/ play guitar and write songs, write poetry and am academic , but I’m hard on myself and don’t celebrate my achievements* at all i just look forward to the next improvement.

      The job is stressful and dangerous, which is the cost of earning so much fast cash. I’ve been assaulted on the job, robbed, and ridiculed. While 90% of interactions are honestly nice and really pleasant , there are some like that. I have mild PTSD , and high anxiety and depression after all thats happened in the last 10 months. Keeping it a secret is a huge stress and i do wonder if my family an friends would leave me if i told them the truth. My brother knows kindof that i met sugar daddies a few times, but i don't think he knows the true extent of it.


      -Moody/Biopolar?

      I’m by nature extremely sensitive and empathetic so any experiences or reactions from people, good or bad, affect me strongly and can swing my mood like a great pendulum from one distance to another. So setbacks make me feel worthless, and a series of successes can give me a false confidence. I hardly even trust my own mind anymore as to what reality is.
      Because I’m attractive to some and ugly to others, special to one and forgettable to the next, I don’t know my worth and feel completely lost.



      -I have no real sense of identity /Identity Crisis

      Growing up in a household of mixed cultures, I feel torn between choosing a path of Muslim religiousness with prayer / abstinence , and the normal British life of partying/ drinking/ boyfriends etc. I feel like two different people with some friends and others, I feel like a fraud. I worry about my spirituality and fate after death and I feel conflicted about if religion is stupid or if it’s the truth.
      I’ve taken rebellions steps like drinking and having sex which my parents / aunts uncles in my family would dream of doing. Thankfully I have my older brother and cousin in the same boat. I think I’d go crazy without my brother. Last year I went off the rails partying and coming off as somewhat promiscuous (thats what you get for denying a girl boys for 19 years), and did so many things I’ve super embarrassed about, so I switched university and started anew this year.



      -Anxiety in crowds/ Social Anxiety ?

      Last one i promise, I definitely have some degree of anxiety in crowds , but I don’t know if this is actually social anxiety because , although I'm shy, I'm perfectly fine with people one on one or even groups and can have great conversations. Probably to everyone else I seem normal. Because I'm good at faking. But crowds like lecture or exam halls or even dining halls send my anxiety through the roof and I often miss lectures or dinner because of it. I feel trapped and like I’m too vulnerable like people can see my nose from awful angles or I look fat when I sit.

      It’s irrational but it’s just there and I want the feeling to go away. It’s so much better when I sit at the back of the hall so I feel safer . I just don’t like crowds. It’s over stimulating to say the least.




      -Conclusion

      So I feel very emotionally unstable . I find it hard to trust anyone at all. I’m scared of guys my own age, especially the ones who are attractive and seem successful- the ones I’d like to be with.* Because I don’t feel that way and I feel less worthy.
      I don’t trust people who seem to really like me, (strangers / new acquaintances).
      Guys or girls. Because of the assault from the woman and being screwed over badly by a male client, I’m very wary of what they want from me. And wary in general of who might be stalking me when I'm walking alone at night / when I get calls from random numbers, because of the enemies I've made in this job, because there are bad, BAD people running these escorting businesses, like awful money hungry pimps who would hire you and then rob you and beat you if you try leave them.

      Also I wonder why (regular) people would like me so much, right off the bat, and get fearful and skeptical of their intention. Because I'm very gullible and naive, and I’ve trusted the wrong people before, I don’t know who to trust. So I trust no one.


      Inside I’m scared people still see me as the fat ugly girl, and would be disgusted if I were to talk to them. Guys especially.

      I’m extremely self-conscious but not proud. Spend ages getting ready but not out of vanity.
      I don’t know where I stand with looks and so I can’t commit to anything or anyone.
      I definitely have an aversion to commitment and like A LOT of my own space. I’m fussy over being perceived as perfect.

      I’m constantly faking self confidence when I have none. Maybe this confuses people and they think I’m stuck up? Or mentally deranged? Maybe I am, I don’t know that’s why I’m here.

      I’m naturally very shy so this might make me seem stuck up; because of my anxiety and self esteem issues its been hard making friends at uni and am only friendly with a handful of people.

      I feel like an imposter who isn’t actually beautiful or hot and one day someone will turn around and point at me or show me a picture and be like “ hahahah can’t believe you thought you had a chance with me lol look at you ” 😔
      (I hate how i look in pictures )

      If I could find a way to have a good, stable self esteem, and be more open in relationships, I think that would be a great outcome. Because right now I’m stuck my head and am just isolating myself and I know I have so much more potential than this.

      At my best I can be the funniest, most charming, brave caring energetic person. But I feel like a different person to the girl a year ago, and I probably act like it too.

      Thoughts . Advice ? 

xx
      I don't know if this inspires you but I have met a very lovely doctor as a child she was bullied a lot because of her nose and appearance and now she is a doctor and the person who bullied her actually apologized when they saw where they were now.Maybe this could be you.
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      (Original post by geidiprimes)
      god help you i don't even know what to say. by mixed, do you mean one of your parents is a different race to the other? cause the way you structured it made it seem that they are both Muslim/same race but you feel conflicted with white-British culture/where you are growing up. i really would encourage you to delete or edit some of the stuff you wrote, purely because i doubt people are going to give you valid advice on every single point you mentioned. plus you didn't even post it anonymously so i guess you don't care if this blows up and your friends/people you know find out. i'm trying to not be judgemental but i just think you are quite a messy person.

      do you have any goals in life? academically, spiritually or?? and with this whole nose job bs, you really need to think about it. from what you've written, it's highly likely that you will not end up being just as, if not more insecure about your physical appearance. are you out of the whole prostitution business for good now? cause girl, if you back you are an idiot, it has left you quite emotionally unstable. you feel lost, i guess those 'guys' might make you feel sexy and in control, but trust me this is not going to help you in the long run. in fact, your whole prostitution paragraph seemed quite childish, i mean you're justifying your actions and putting yourself in a potentially dangerous and life-threatening situation for a nose job. a nose job. a nOSE JOB. i just can't...

      i really hope you don't take this all personally, i don't know you and i'm just trying to explain what this whole thing looks like from a different perspective. i'm sorry that you were abused by your father. i am not entirely against prostitution, and think that it can be justified ONLY if it is your last option to making money. from what you've said, you seem financially stable enough to not be out on the streets. you do attend university (may i ask which course you are taking?), so that does allow you to have some opportunities. do not put your health and well being on the line, for quick and easy money. ask yourself, is it completely vital that i get a nose job now? can i wait a few years? where do i see myself in 2-3 years time? i'm sorry that i can't comment on everything that you mentioned, and i really hope that this all works out for you and that you become more emotionally stable. are you planning to move out anytime soon? get married? do you think you can mend the relationship between you and your mother, and reach some sort of mutual understanding? keep us updated xx


      i made a new account so its not linked to any past posts.
      No both parents are muslim, but my dad grew up in the UK so its like having one 'white' parent , in a way. They're totally different to each other, one is strict one not so much.

      I have loads of goals, I'm studying undergrad ( i don't want to say exactly which course, too many deets, think arts , classics/ philosophy / english along those lines ), so ill probably go into teaching. but my deepest ambition is to be a successful author, and eventually have enough money to open a stable/ horse ridng schooI. I write a lot of poetry also and sing my own songs ( on the guitar ). Gym too.


      No the nose isn't vital to my life per se, but in a way its definitely stopping me from living my life- i feel so insecure to the point that i cant approach guys i like or believe it when guys actually want to date me, or if they leave me i accept it as what was bound to happen anyways .

      my mum and i will away have a solid relationship i think- it went through its rockiest part a few months ago when I spilled some beans about boys and sex but we've recovered since then. i do love her but she'll never understand me fully, she grew up in a different world to mine.
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      (Original post by Anonymous)
      Making friends is hard with Aspergers I feel quite lonely sometimes I want to be studious and well educated as I was told the most powerful thing that a women can have is knowledge. But there are days I am just sad and want to do absolutely nothing and then I feel pissed off as my grades are rubbish and medicine seems way out of reach.How are you finding university?What career path are you thinking of?I know what you mean about the Dad thing when I watch tv and I see those loving fathers I wish I could come home one day and hug a dad of some sort and hear them say I love you and I am proud of you.My step father does not seem to like me he does not understand my issues and my strong desire for a father figure he is not very interested in being that father figure. I wish I had someone who I can come to and tell them my deepest worries and have them listen to me.Psychologists tell me that no family is perfect and that a father is unnecessary etc but they don't understand how it feels.

      I can't imagine how hard life must be with aspergers, it sounds really difficult. I'm introverted so i face a tiny fraction of what you do like connecting with people and needing my own space, but you sound so strong so hang in there ! Xx

      University is hard, i feel like I'm constantly putting on a show of being happy. I've been too down to actively make many friends and go to loads of events. just cant bring myself to do it. i reckon my flatmates think I'm really snobby or unfriendly but the truth is I'm way too depressed to keep up the happy pretence so i avoid them.

      Its like one good thing will keep me swimming, but the tiniest set back , ike not making the volleyball team or getting ignored by flatmates or whateer- totally sets me back big time and makes me feel worthless.
      On the plus side, my course is super interesting. but i have 2 essays due by monday, shoot me now
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      gonna give this a bump
     
     
     
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