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    My dad is a narcissistic, alcoholic immature petty man child. My grandma has recently passed away,and my father has been doing more drinking than usual (if that is possible). My parents are divorced, and I live with my mother, so, don't worry, I am not at risk, but I felt sorry for my dad, and thought I should attempt to make more of a healthy relationship with him, as I do not spend a lot of time with him.
    But, I said that he needed to make some changes in his life, and be a responsible father. Changes such as:
    Go to rehab, and stop drinking exessively
    Get a job
    Keep his flat clean and tidy
    If I do decide to visit and stay over, then there has to be a suitable place for me to sleep
    And that there is food and drink at his place for me, if I come.
    I thought that these were some basic things that he could do, tat would not only improve his life, but would also help hi with his roe as a parent.
    The last thing I said was, that it wouldn't hurt if he complimented, or praised me once in while, instead of constantly putting me down and making me feel like crap (those were my exact words)
    And his reply was, I'll tell you that I'm proud of you when I'm proud of you.
    But you haven't done anything to make me proud.
    That really broke my heart.
    And I just felt really sad and disappointed in myself, I don't know why, I told myself that I shouldn't care about his opinion, as he is just a selfish, drunk, middle-aged loser, nd I shouldn't care about his opinion.
    But I still do.
    I ended the phone call with: I don't have to put up with your **** anymore, and then I hung up.
    Sorry I just wanted to rant, and to see if anyone else has had similar experiences with their father/ mother.
    Because I feel like it's hard when your parent is a narcissist, as they will never apologise for their mistakes, they will always try to shift the blame on to you, or somebody else, and they never take responsibility for anything.
    Again, sorry about the rant
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    I don't think he meant what he said he was probably just irritated after you said all of that stuff to him which probably hurt him and his only response was to try and hurt you back. He is probably just realizing that he has lost his mother his marriage and his child and trying to deal with this the only way he can, through alcohol. He probably knew all of the stuff that you said to him but he was just trying to avoid it and it never feels good to have someone tell you what you are doing wrong especially when that person is your child. I am not at all saying that you are in the wrong, i think he has handled the whole thing badly and you don't deserve to be insulted by your father.
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    (Original post by cactuss)
    I don't think he meant what he said he was probably just irritated after you said all of that stuff to him which probably hurt him and his only response was to try and hurt you back. He is probably just realizing that he has lost his mother his marriage and his child and trying to deal with this the only way he can, through alcohol. He probably knew all of the stuff that you said to him but he was just trying to avoid it and it never feels good to have someone tell you what you are doing wrong especially when that person is your child. I am not at all saying that you are in the wrong, i think he has handled the whole thing badly and you don't deserve to be insulted by your father.
    Thank you for your advice and help. You really made me feel better, but I still don't think that my dad is going to change, but I can deal with that. hank you for taking the time out of your day to help me, it means a lot to me.
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    he isn't in the right frame of mind , so don't bother listening to whatever he has to say to you ... you are not the problem otherwise everybody you know would hate the living **** out of you... let him deal with his own problems - even if he has to ask for help
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    (Original post by 15vanan)
    Thank you for your advice and help. You really made me feel better, but I still don't think that my dad is going to change, but I can deal with that. hank you for taking the time out of your day to help me, it means a lot to me.
    It's okay! any time.
    • #2
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    Your post shows you have a lot of reflection, strength and insight for your age, so that's definitely one thing to be proud of. Have been in a similar situation so i can offer a few hints.
    (Original post by 15vanan)
    My dad is a narcissistic, alcoholic immature petty man child. My grandma has recently passed away,and my father has been doing more drinking than usual (if that is possible). My parents are divorced, and I live with my mother, so, don't worry, I am not at risk, but I felt sorry for my dad, and thought I should attempt to make more of a healthy relationship with him, as I do not spend a lot of time with him. But, I said that he needed to make some changes in his life, and be a responsible father.
    What you did here, trying to communicate a problem, was mature of you, and objectively speaking, the right thing to do. If we have an issue with someone we should communicate it with them. You were also constructive, wanting the best for him and your relationship. You showed true compassion as you acted to change the relationship. HOWEVER as soon as you did this, you have to also be aware of what you're doing. You're essentially holding a mirror up to his dad's face. Showing him how helpless he really is, when usually he is in complete denial. So he's just seen this what some might call "ugly" reflection of his present behaviour in the mirror. That's pretty hard to take, so no one in that position would act sympathetically. Of course, they would try to defend themselves and throw out some hurtful insults. So whatever they say at this point, don't take it seriously (I know its hard when coming from a parent) but objectively speaking, it's not personal on you.
    (Original post by 15vanan)
    Changes such as: Go to rehab, and stop drinking exessively Get a job Keep his flat clean and tidy If I do decide to visit and stay over, then there has to be a suitable place for me to sleep And that there is food and drink at his place for me, if I come.
    Objectively speaking, yes, you are fully right. But trust me, as someone with experience with dealing with people with addictions, the addiction is VERY STRONG, very deep rooted and very complex. That means making such changes is extremely difficult, in fact, impossible, unless the person stops being helpless. Currently your dad is helpless. Most people who suffer addiction, even if they deeply want to be a better person, to be a better parent, are essentially hindered from doing so, because of complex psychological and physiological mechanisms, most likely rooted in a lot of suffering. That's where all this is coming from, it's nothing to do with you. And that's hard for you to fully comprehend and deal with, the hell, I get that. It's v hard for people who are close to, or the loved ones, of those dealing with such problems. But we exist. And we need to learn to be wise, strong, and LOOK FOR HELP. So you did the right thing coming on here, and as others have suggested, you would definitely benefit from professional counselling.
    (Original post by 15vanan)
    The last thing I said was, that it wouldn't hurt if he complimented, or praised me once in while, instead of constantly putting me down and making me feel like crap (those were my exact words) And his reply was, I'll tell you that I'm proud of you when I'm proud of you. But you haven't done anything to make me proud. That really broke my heart. And I just felt really sad and disappointed in myself, I don't know why, I told myself that I shouldn't care about his opinion, as he is just a selfish, drunk, middle-aged loser, nd I shouldn't care about his opinion. But I still do. I ended the phone call with: I don't have to put up with your **** anymore, and then I hung up. Sorry I just wanted to rant, and to see if anyone else has had similar experiences with their father/ mother. Because I feel like it's hard when your parent is a narcissist, as they will never apologise for their mistakes, they will always try to shift the blame on to you, or somebody else, and they never take responsibility for anything. Again, sorry about the rant
    I get that all this is so hard, and I'm sorry you have to go through it, but you need to take the viewpoint that your father is really ill, suffering, and in his own mess at the moment. Ultimately, you will soon have to come to accept that there's nothing you can do to change his behaviour, but there's everything you can do to change your own. You have more or less full control over the way you turn your life into. And I get the feeling you're a constructive person, and you're an empathetic person, with a lot to offer. So focus on that. Don't wait for your dad's approval, because he isn't even capable of giving it, due to his condition. Seek love and support from those who are in the right place to be able to give it to you. Don't get involved in his cycle of despair. You need to remove yourself from this situation of your dad, because ultimately, you can't do anything to change it. I know that's a big thing to accept but removing yourself is probably the best you can do right now.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    .And I get the feeling you're a constructive person, and you're an empathetic person, with a lot to offer. So focus on that. Don't wait for your dad's approval, because he isn't even capable of giving it, due to his condition. Seek love and support from those who are in the right place to be able to give it to you. Don't get involved in his cycle of despair. You need to remove yourself from this situation of your dad, because ultimately, you can't do anything to change it. I know that's a big thing to accept but removing yourself is probably the best you can do right now
    Thank you for your advice, and comments. This helped me in realising that I shouldn't be hung up on what my dad said, and I should not let it hinder me in achieving my goals or personal success.
    Thank you.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    he isn't in the right frame of mind , so don't bother listening to whatever he has to say to you ... you are not the problem otherwise everybody you know would hate the living **** out of you... let him deal with his own problems - even if he has to ask for help
    Thank you, I really felt like I was the problem, but all of your comments have made me realise that I am not to blame for my dad's actions and what he said.
    So thank you to everyone who commented
 
 
 
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