Turn on thread page Beta

Graduating from University with no social skills - please help! watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Okay – so I get my degree – what next? I have had such a hard time with bullying and manipulation at University and school that I have lost all confidence in people. I have made no friends and continue to lack the social skills that I need to get on. Not even complex social skills – just the simple social aptitude I need to get into networks and get on in the working world. What can I actually do with my degree without the ability to network? This all started when I was young - I was emotionally abused by my dad and had no confidence to make friends at school. The same difficult times I have had at school/in first year have continued to hold me back from becoming socially confident.


    I do the best I can, however, it is very hard for me to escape the feeling that whatever I achieve, it doesn’t really count for very much, due to the delays I have faced. I had to take two years out of Uni - two years not really because I got as ill as I did with the bullying, but two years because I have never had the chance to develop any social skills in childhood that would have enabled me to resist it. My parents neglected me and I was bullied at school. A strong academic focus was my only hope, but even now, seeing how socially deficient I am, I am rapidly losing that hope. I have fallen behind people at school who worked less hard than me. They're now on £30K grad jobs whilst I am still struggling to make friends at Uni. Hard work gets you success? I am really starting to doubt that now. I have never really known much other than to think along these lines. Since before I even started primary school, I always had the need not to ‘fall behind’ instilled in me. I have never known any different. My thoughts also tend to be confined very much to an ‘all-or-nothing’ vision of success. I have either succeeded or I have failed. Therefore having to take time out for something that I was a victim of felt more than an injustice. It felt that I was being condemned to failure and pushed behind. For all of the hard work that I put on at school to get here, being pushed behind because of something that was out of my hands felt humiliating, degrading and a proved to be a considerable knock to my confidence. I have done very well to overcome this to an extent with my return to (the same) University after such bullying and good first year results, however, the fact that everyone else in my year group at school and my age will have graduated by now, whilst I am still in my second year is a fact that I can’t really get over, and is causing me to look very critically on my achievements. It does really feel that I have fallen behind, and that the reasons for doing so were completely not my fault and also due to the substantial neglect I suffered in my younger years.



    I have just always been just too shy and quiet - I have no social confidence. I know that I have done very well to get to this Uni – and I did so with no understanding of any of the extra support that should have been available to me at school. It just shows just how hard I have worked, but then, just how tense I am starting to feel that what is all this for? If I don’t have the social skills I need to get into the right networks, how will I do justice to my academic efforts? Where will I get to in life if I have no social connections? I shut myself off at school, being so focused on the academics. I am doing the same here – partially due to an academic focus but also due to the loss of confidence I have had in making friends here, due to what happened in my first year here.

    I just can’t help but feel that I have really fallen behind in the last couple of years. I do the very best I can to put it to one side, but almost every day, I have to work around it. the feeling that I have fallen behind, am not good enough and that holding back socially will mean that I struggle in the real world.

    I know that it is not my fault that I have fallen a couple of years behind. I shut myself off so much at school that I never had any social aptitude - but that was mostly due to the neglect that I faced. I know that it is not my fault that I went through what I did before, however, I can’t help but feel that I have let myself down and am a failure because of it.

    Even if I get a First Class degree – what use it if I have lost all confidence in people? I’ll never be able to forge my way into networks needed to progress and do well. There are people who will less hard than me, but with have a natural social ability, and will do much better.

    Am I just not worthy of having a few friends?

    Given that I am now at University and continue to lack the basic bread-and-butter social skills that I should have picked up in school, how can I get over my past lack of confidence and develop socially so that I don't struggle?

    Also, do I have to be good socially to survive in the 'real world'?
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    If i were you i would just be thinking of the money once i graduate and get a job
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Ex-pert)
    If i were you i would just be thinking of the money once i graduate and get a job
    Join different societies and make new friends
    Im sure your not the only shy person at uni...
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Ex-pert)
    If i were you i would just be thinking of the money once i graduate and get a job
    I just sort of worry that even with a First Class degree from a top 10 (possibly top 5) uni, I will struggle without any social skills to get any graduate job.
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I just sort of worry that even with a First Class degree from a top 10 (possibly top 5) uni, I will struggle without any social skills to get any graduate job.
    You will eventually break out of your shell
    Some people just breakout earlier than others
    If your shy around students
    why dont you try talking to lecturers , uni staff etc
    Socialising with matured adults may actually prepare you for your graduate job
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    In the workplace all that is really required socially is to be able to work in a team and get along with your colleagues but yes, it does help if you have good social skills. I found that in the workplace you get put with a reasonably small group of colleagues so you pretty much have to get to know them really well and never get sidelined. There is also a lot less bullying than goes on in schools. It wil work out one way or another! In the meantime, try to join a couple of societies. Small societies are good as everyone gets to know each other really well. Maybe a society that involves teamwork. I found that joining first aid society really helped me as everyone wanted to help and we did a lot of teamwork. I even got a qualification which I hope will help me to get a job.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Okay – so I get my degree – what next? I have had such a hard time with bullying and manipulation at University and school that I have lost all confidence in people. I have made no friends and continue to lack the social skills that I need to get on. Not even complex social skills – just the simple social aptitude I need to get into networks and get on in the working world. What can I actually do with my degree without the ability to network? This all started when I was young - I was emotionally abused by my dad and had no confidence to make friends at school. The same difficult times I have had at school/in first year have continued to hold me back from becoming socially confident.


    I do the best I can, however, it is very hard for me to escape the feeling that whatever I achieve, it doesn’t really count for very much, due to the delays I have faced. I had to take two years out of Uni - two years not really because I got as ill as I did with the bullying, but two years because I have never had the chance to develop any social skills in childhood that would have enabled me to resist it. My parents neglected me and I was bullied at school. A strong academic focus was my only hope, but even now, seeing how socially deficient I am, I am rapidly losing that hope. I have fallen behind people at school who worked less hard than me. They're now on £30K grad jobs whilst I am still struggling to make friends at Uni. Hard work gets you success? I am really starting to doubt that now. I have never really known much other than to think along these lines. Since before I even started primary school, I always had the need not to ‘fall behind’ instilled in me. I have never known any different. My thoughts also tend to be confined very much to an ‘all-or-nothing’ vision of success. I have either succeeded or I have failed. Therefore having to take time out for something that I was a victim of felt more than an injustice. It felt that I was being condemned to failure and pushed behind. For all of the hard work that I put on at school to get here, being pushed behind because of something that was out of my hands felt humiliating, degrading and a proved to be a considerable knock to my confidence. I have done very well to overcome this to an extent with my return to (the same) University after such bullying and good first year results, however, the fact that everyone else in my year group at school and my age will have graduated by now, whilst I am still in my second year is a fact that I can’t really get over, and is causing me to look very critically on my achievements. It does really feel that I have fallen behind, and that the reasons for doing so were completely not my fault and also due to the substantial neglect I suffered in my younger years.



    I have just always been just too shy and quiet - I have no social confidence. I know that I have done very well to get to this Uni – and I did so with no understanding of any of the extra support that should have been available to me at school. It just shows just how hard I have worked, but then, just how tense I am starting to feel that what is all this for? If I don’t have the social skills I need to get into the right networks, how will I do justice to my academic efforts? Where will I get to in life if I have no social connections? I shut myself off at school, being so focused on the academics. I am doing the same here – partially due to an academic focus but also due to the loss of confidence I have had in making friends here, due to what happened in my first year here.

    I just can’t help but feel that I have really fallen behind in the last couple of years. I do the very best I can to put it to one side, but almost every day, I have to work around it. the feeling that I have fallen behind, am not good enough and that holding back socially will mean that I struggle in the real world.

    I know that it is not my fault that I have fallen a couple of years behind. I shut myself off so much at school that I never had any social aptitude - but that was mostly due to the neglect that I faced. I know that it is not my fault that I went through what I did before, however, I can’t help but feel that I have let myself down and am a failure because of it.

    Even if I get a First Class degree – what use it if I have lost all confidence in people? I’ll never be able to forge my way into networks needed to progress and do well. There are people who will less hard than me, but with have a natural social ability, and will do much better.

    Am I just not worthy of having a few friends?

    Given that I am now at University and continue to lack the basic bread-and-butter social skills that I should have picked up in school, how can I get over my past lack of confidence and develop socially so that I don't struggle?

    Also, do I have to be good socially to survive in the 'real world'?
    Have you got any work experience? That is almost essential for getting a good job after university.
    • #2
    #2

    I think you should work your way towards another degree, one which requires less academic focus so you have another chance to experience uni again and develop your social skills. After all, you can only gain more confidence if you try to form bonds with different people. I'm sure it's not a case of you being worthy of having friends, but more effort from both your part and theirs if you want the friendship to work. I have experienced a similar upbringing, and burying my head in the books was the only thing keeping me going. There are good people out there, you just need to find them!
 
 
 
Poll
Is the Big Bang theory correct?
Useful resources

Groups associated with this forum:

View associated groups

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.