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this may seem repetitive or cliché but: i have a celebrity crush Watch

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    hi.

    (in anticipation, sorry for grammatical mistakes, english is not my first language and i type really fast and distractedly)

    so i just joined this site and i want to talk about something that is lately getting over me.

    first of all i need to tell you that i am aware most of my behavior is coming like this out of boredom, so, yeah, i basically focus on this because i have nothing else to do, but anyway, let me begin.

    i have had a lot of celebrity crushes in my life (like... four males, and maybe two females ? from all ages and different eras even! one of my biggest crushes was on a dead actor from the 80's) but anyway: ive never been this far into someone. started at age 12, i havent met a lot of guys in person that i can tag as "crushes". in fact, the only infatuation ive felt towards someone, happens to always been on a celebrity or someone i can idealize because its far. whatever this just shows how of a platonic person i am lmao. the thing is, this celebrity crush has had an actual effect in my life, since he kinda changed the way i percieve some things. he, actually, chanhed my life to good because he made me have a reason to be happy and make an effort to fight against depression. it got me to the point where i was on crisis thinking I'd kill myself and then a voice whispered me in my head "no, no, no, if you kill yourself you will never be able to listen to his music again, or see his smile, or even meet him someday!" and this may sound ridiculous (it is) but yeah, when you're a strong willed person and you manage to convince yourself that fate and destiny exist and that you will meet them someday, it kinda works out.

    listen... i just want to talk about it and have someone to listen to me, because I can't talk about it with anyone close to me without them thinking im being intense or obsessive or over sensitive whatever. i know i think things too much and i daydream too much but i honestly dont find anything wrong with it. i write, and thinking too much about this celebrity has even helped me to create characters and plots! thats how far i go —i don't even know him in real life and yet he's my muse! i know the things i see of him that the media shows (and those are quite a lot, because, just to point out, I'm not talking about a hollywood celebrity, and the way entertainment is managed in this area is quite different from how america manages it, so, yeah, the public gets to know a great part of the artists) may, however, be not everything about his personality because he's a whole human being with dreams and aspirstions and good and bad aspects, but still, this just makes my curiosity about him grow more. i am such a dreamy person, that i have a fight inside myself of how i know i'll get to met him —and how i know i could have met him in other dimensions where i'm not aware of his existence. its so weird, its like, creating this kind of parsdox to me: if i know about him, and he doesn't know about me —because of the context of our realities— then i'm kind of challenging the universe or some **** and it won't happen. so, in this line of the universe, it may not happen if i dont act correctly (yes i find it very entertaining to believe in destiny and time travel and altern universes and stuff like that im a nerd). the thing is, i know it is absurd and stupid and i constantly laugh st myself about it and even joke about it, but I can't ****ing not take it seriously deep in my head —that i know we're ment to be.

    however all of this is kind of like a fight between my 19 year old self and the part of me that its stuck on 12. i think ive had enough of this because this fantasies may, someday, damage me. i dont know? i may get to the point where i would want to move to where he lives and just "pretend" that i dont know anything about him and manipulate the situation to get to where i want to? all by convincing myself that things are sincere. and trust me i can manipulate contexts really well, i have a strong sense of the law of attraction and i always move stuff and people implicitly and, at the end, even if it costed a lot of effort and years, i finally get what i wanted, but i need to convince myself of it or it wont work out. and right now im convinced that i want to meet him, even if its just for a short time or just a glaze or a touch, but i want it to happen. i need him to know that i exist.

    oh, god, i sound totally obsessive. maybe i am... or maybe im just overreacting. whatever. what do you think? have you have had any experiences similar? please tell me lmao.

    just to add —ive never been with anyone, this may even been part of it. i always say that i havent found anyone i like because i have "high standards" (not just looks, but im very critical and i need to, somehow, connect to that person. we need to be in tune or at least in the same intelectual and sensitive page), and maybe thats why i have him as a crush. like its more of a "i want to be like him" kind of thing, than a "i want him" kind of thing.
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