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Oh dear! My fianceé doesn't know about my kid! Watch

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    (Original post by invisibleswords)
    You're getting married after being together for 11 months? Mate, you need to learn to keep you **** in your pants, whilst you're at it, slow down on this wedding stuff. Why the rush? That said, I have a feeling it's going to be on hold once you tell her. Can't believe you said you'd pay the money and wanted to see the child without even discussing it with her first. That's such a **** move that I'm kinda finding it hard to believe this is an actual legit thread.
    You sound very judgemental, the exact reason I avoided all of my closest friends.
    Hang on, let me explain.

    Firstly, 11 months felt right and it wasn't just me; she used to hint toward the idea, so I proposed. Timing is relative, I mean when would you say is the ideal time - there is none.

    Secondly, it was a mistake I made having unprotected sex. However, that child is still mine and deserves to have someone there, regardless of everything I did wrong, that child deserves to have everything. I met with the child's mother and I agreed to support MY child, so how is doing so a bad move? (as you refer to it.)

    Thirdly, there's a rush because my company is relocating in the few months after the wedding, so it was honestly the last available time we could get all the family and friends together without having them to fly out to Canada.

    I came here for advice on how to let my fiancee know about my child but end up justifying my marriage and everything revolving around it.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    I wouldnt hand over a lump sum unless there was a legal agreement as to what it covered etc.

    Get a DNA test.

    If you have that sort of money then you can readjust and delay things for a year or two or just adjust the amount you spend etc. Staggered payments should minimise the impact.
    I'll look into splitting the payment up.
    I had a legal agreement drafted by my solicitor.
    I've organised a DNA test but I'm already positive it's my child.

    I can't rearrange the wedding because my company is relocating in the few months after the wedding, so it was honestly the last available time we could get all family and friends together without having them have to fly out to Canada. and now it's hard to think this wedding won't be happening at all.

    She's coming over in 3 hours, so I guess it's time. I'm shaking. Literally can't think straight.
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    (Original post by JamesGardiner96)
    I'll look into splitting the payment up.
    I had a legal agreement drafted by my solicitor.
    I've organised a DNA test but I'm already positive it's my child.

    I can't rearrange the wedding because my company is relocating in the few months after the wedding, so it was honestly the last available time we could get all family and friends together without having them have to fly out to Canada. and now it's hard to think this wedding won't be happening at all.

    She's coming over in 3 hours, so I guess it's time. I'm shaking. Literally can't think straight.
    Just tell her within ten minutes

    Emphasise the fact youve only just found out, dont make excuses and let her make her own mind up.

    You can also state what you have done or propose to do to deal with the situation and any knock on impact. Its strange this other person didnt tell you before it was born.

    I would expect her to be able to deal with it. The biggest effect is financial knock on.

    Anyway hope you arent a troll.
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    (Original post by JamesGardiner96)
    I'll look into splitting the payment up.
    I had a legal agreement drafted by my solicitor.
    I've organised a DNA test but I'm already positive it's my child.

    I can't rearrange the wedding because my company is relocating in the few months after the wedding, so it was honestly the last available time we could get all family and friends together without having them have to fly out to Canada. and now it's hard to think this wedding won't be happening at all.

    She's coming over in 3 hours, so I guess it's time. I'm shaking. Literally can't think straight.
    Assuming this is not a troll and giving you the benefit of the doubt:

    Start by telling her you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her.

    You have something to tell her that she will not like, but that you want to start married life with a clean slate, no secrets because you respect her.

    Tell her that whatever decision she makes, you will respect that without question because it is hers to make, it is her life and she must decide how she wishes to live it with the full knowledge before she marries you - even if that means cancelling the wedding and footing the costs yourself.

    Then tell her in plain, honest, simple truth with nothing held back.

    She will ask many questions and will keep asking them so you must be prepared to answer truthfully anything that she needs an answer to.

    Then, I'm afraid, you have to be prepared for her to throw it in your face.

    On the other hand, she may not like it, and she may need a few days or even weeks to accept it, but at least you will know you have nothing to hide and people cannot hold cowardice over your head.

    Good luck.
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    I wouldnt go for the overscripted because it could end up being ammunition for her to use or react against. Keep it short and let her take the lead.
    Not one for drama and if shes worth spending the rest of your life with then she will take it in her stride.
    Presumably the money is yours anyway, just state it once that it was before you met, so no infidelity.

    People deal with a lot worse.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    I wouldnt go for the overscripted because it could end up being ammunition for her to use or react against. Keep it short and let her take the lead.
    Not one for drama and if shes worth spending the rest of your life with then she will take it in her stride.
    Presumably the money is yours anyway, just state it once that it was before you met, so no infidelity.

    People deal with a lot worse.
    Thanks, I'm just going to tell her the straight truth. Nothing scripted. Oh God.
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    Lump sum? She could probably still ask you for child support, so get everything sorted out officially. You are being incredibly reckless with every decision you make; calm down and stop doing things impulsively.
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    (Original post by uberteknik)
    Assuming this is not a troll and giving you the benefit of the doubt:

    Start by telling her you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her.

    You have something to tell her that she will not like, but that you want to start married life with a clean slate, no secrets because you respect her.

    Tell her that whatever decision she makes, you will respect that without question because it is hers to make, it is her life and she must decide how she wishes to live it with the full knowledge before she marries you - even if that means cancelling the wedding and footing the costs yourself.

    Then tell her in plain, honest, simple truth with nothing held back.

    She will ask many questions and will keep asking them so you must be prepared to answer truthfully anything that she needs an answer to.

    Then, I'm afraid, you have to be prepared for her to throw it in your face.

    On the other hand, she may not like it, and she may need a few days or even weeks to accept it, but at least you will know you have nothing to hide and people cannot hold cowardice over your head.

    Good luck.
    Thanks. She's coming to my place in a couple hours. I hope it works out. I'm shaking.
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    (Original post by Salt Queen)
    Fiance?? You were born in 1996 and you have a fiance?
    I'm 26.
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    (Original post by YaliaV)
    Lump sum? She could probably still ask you for child support, so get everything sorted out officially. You are being incredibly reckless with every decision you make; calm down and stop doing things impulsively.
    You're right. I had my solicitor draft up a legal contract regarding what the money was to be used on, and I've split it into instalments.
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    (Original post by Salt Queen)
    And I'd leave you if you lied or kept secrets like that!? How do you hide a child
    Well, if you read my situation, I only found out Sunday night myself. I have no intention of hiding it.
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    It would be better if you payed her in instalments, 1.) It sounds dodgy her asking for a lump sum 2.) Even if it is 100% genuine, it's very demanding of her to ask for that, no one should treat you like that, she's walking all over you! 3.) How do you know she'll spend it on the kid??? For all you know she'll spend it on fancy cars and designer clothes. The beauty of paying in instalments is that you'll only give her enough for stuff for the kid. PS GET A DNA TEST don't hand over any money before you know it's definitely yours
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    (Original post by December126)
    It would be better if you payed her in instalments, 1.) It sounds dodgy her asking for a lump sum 2.) Even if it is 100% genuine, it's very demanding of her to ask for that, no one should treat you like that, she's walking all over you! 3.) How do you know she'll spend it on the kid??? For all you know she'll spend it on fancy cars and designer clothes. The beauty of paying in instalments is that you'll only give her enough for stuff for the kid. PS GET A DNA TEST don't hand over any money before you know it's definitely yours
    I really appreciate the advise. I had a solicitor draft up a legal agreement on what the money is to be used on. Since consulting my solicitor I've decided to pay in instalments.

    And as I've mentioned I've organised a test.
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    (Original post by JamesGardiner96)
    I only found out Sunday night myself.
    "Oh even better"
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    (Original post by JamesGardiner96)
    About 13 months ago I had an unprotected one night stand - stupid, I know.
    The baby is now just under 4 months old, I found out Sunday night that the baby existed; the mother of the child requested a lump sum of £125,000 to look after the child, which I've agreed to pay - provided, I can see the child. She is genuine, that's all I know.

    Now, this is where it gets complicated I'm getting married to my fianceé in January, the wedding is costing a small fortune so overlapping it with the demands of the baby's mother is a bitter pill. Plus we're planning to move out to Canada which will cost a little over £730,000! I already told my fianceé that I have a 2-year-old from a previous long-term relationship - so I'm not sure how she'll react to the news of another child. I'm 26, with two kids apparently - one of which my wife-to-be has no idea exists, neither did I a couple days ago!

    I don't want to start a marriage on a backbone of lies, I could use some advice from some strangers, I'm terrified. I don't want that one-night-stand to ruin the life I've planned out for us, and end up costing me both emotionally and financially. Money isn't the main problem - it's my fianceé's reaction, how do I let her know without upsetting her.

    And I don't mean to sound like I'm trying to spice things up, I've just got anxiety so naturally, my head inflates most situations.
    why in the name of strawberry cupckakes would you not tell her!! you crazzy! she is your damn fiance. trust! heard of that??. relationships are built on trust. you should of just told her instead of hiding it. good luck mate. i hope your fiance is understanding.
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    Well op you're in luck. I think the stereotype is that men generally don't date women with kids let alone marry them. But as it's the reverse situation, who knows.
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    (Original post by JamesGardiner96)
    About 13 months ago I had an unprotected one night stand - stupid, I know.
    The baby is now just under 4 months old, I found out Sunday night that the baby existed; the mother of the child requested a lump sum of £125,000 to look after the child, which I've agreed to pay - provided, I can see the child. She is genuine, that's all I know.

    Now, this is where it gets complicated I'm getting married to my fianceé in January, the wedding is costing a small fortune so overlapping it with the demands of the baby's mother is a bitter pill. Plus we're planning to move out to Canada which will cost a little over £730,000! I already told my fianceé that I have a 2-year-old from a previous long-term relationship - so I'm not sure how she'll react to the news of another child. I'm 26, with two kids apparently - one of which my wife-to-be has no idea exists, neither did I a couple days ago!

    I don't want to start a marriage on a backbone of lies, I could use some advice from some strangers, I'm terrified. I don't want that one-night-stand to ruin the life I've planned out for us, and end up costing me both emotionally and financially. Money isn't the main problem - it's my fianceé's reaction, how do I let her know without upsetting her.

    And I don't mean to sound like I'm trying to spice things up, I've just got anxiety so naturally, my head inflates most situations.
    It's a sticky situation. You just have to be straight and honest with her. However, before you tell her, maybe ask the mother if she would be willing to talk to your fiancee (if she wants to talk to the mother) to just reassure her that you didn't cheat and that he genuinely didn't know until a few days ago. Sometimes it helps to talk woman-to-woman.

    But honestly, you're just going to have to tell her straight "before we got together, I had a one-night stand with a woman. She told me the other day we have a kid. I didn't know until then but I want you to know so we can figure this out together" or something to that effect. Good luck.
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    (Original post by Mini_1999)
    why in the name of strawberry cupckakes would you not tell her!! you crazzy! she is your damn fiance. trust! heard of that??. relationships are built on trust. you should of just told her instead of hiding it. good luck mate. i hope your fiance is understanding.
    Hi, I am going to tell her today. The situation is a lot more complex, I only found out on Sunday about the child. It sounds preposterously shady, I hope she understands. Shaking.
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    (Original post by JamesGardiner96)
    Hi, I am going to tell her today. The situation is a lot more complex, I only found out on Sunday about the child. It sounds preposterously shady, I hope she understands. Shaking.
    hmm.. well i hope she understand as well. and if not. its kinda your fault
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    (Original post by Salt Queen)
    "Oh even better"
    If I was seeking judgment I'd seek advice from my friends. I'm here talking to strangers about being at my most vulnerable just for some advice minus the judgment.

    I don't think you understand the situation; I have a son that my fianceé already knows about and was willing to marry me knowing that I had a child.

    But, Sunday I found out I have another child. Obviously, my fianceé does not know.
 
 
 
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