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    Describe the moment when you encounter an animal.

    It was a dark cold night. Tiny snowflakes could be seen covering the greenery like a blanket; long nail-like icicles were seen hanging upside-down on the roofs of shelters. A patch of snow suddenly moved, springing to life. The figure turned its head, revealing a pair of eyes with golden lustre. Gentle breezes occasionally fly past, caressing the creature’s soft white “hairs”. It had some tiny little black spots around its forehead, neck and chest, like little accessories for a princess. The camera lenses dilated, zooming in and focusing on the creature. It rotated its head a few more times before finally stopping towards the direction of the closely packed shrubs, eyes unmoving, allowing one to see the framed lenses reflecting back from the captivating eyes. It blinked a few times, clearly aware of its unknown guest.
    It seemed to have read the situation and started bobbing its head uncontrollably, a faint hoarse cry came out of its sharp deadly beak. Its temperament revealed that she is a snowy owl, ruler of the tundra terrain. She reached down and started pecking the ground, only to reveal a small brown coloured furball lying motionless within her deadly grasp. Her long talons were like fishing hooks, piercing itself into its prey. She opened her beak and started pulling and tearing, blood slowly started to taint her glorious white gown. But that didn’t stop her, it only made her burst into a frenzy. The once dignified princess became a blood thirsty killer. It started stuffing its mouth, and like a glutton, swallowed it in one gulp.
    After that scrumptious feast, it turned its head again, giving a murderous aura. The crimson red stains looked like war paint, it screeched again. This time, it was louder and more ear piercing as it proclaimed its victory to its foes. It then stretched out its enormous wings, attempting to intimidate its potential challenger. Sensing no movements, it flapped its wings, beating the ground as it quickly ascends into the sky. Like an angel, the snowy owl disappeared into the shimmering vortex.
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    (Original post by joanneyates888)
    Describe the moment when you encounter an animal.

    It was a dark cold night. Tiny snowflakes could be seen covering the greenery like a blanket; long nail-like icicles were seen hanging upside-down on the roofs of shelters. A patch of snow suddenly moved, springing to life. The figure turned its head, revealing a pair of eyes with golden lustre. Gentle breezes occasionally fly past, caressing the creature’s soft white “hairs”. It had some tiny little black spots around its forehead, neck and chest, like little accessories for a princess. The camera lenses dilated, zooming in and focusing on the creature. It rotated its head a few more times before finally stopping towards the direction of the closely packed shrubs, eyes unmoving, allowing one to see the framed lenses reflecting back from the captivating eyes. It blinked a few times, clearly aware of its unknown guest.
    It seemed to have read the situation and started bobbing its head uncontrollably, a faint hoarse cry came out of its sharp deadly beak. Its temperament revealed that she is a snowy owl, ruler of the tundra terrain. She reached down and started pecking the ground, only to reveal a small brown coloured furball lying motionless within her deadly grasp. Her long talons were like fishing hooks, piercing itself into its prey. She opened her beak and started pulling and tearing, blood slowly started to taint her glorious white gown. But that didn’t stop her, it only made her burst into a frenzy. The once dignified princess became a blood thirsty killer. It started stuffing its mouth, and like a glutton, swallowed it in one gulp.
    After that scrumptious feast, it turned its head again, giving a murderous aura. The crimson red stains looked like war paint, it screeched again. This time, it was louder and more ear piercing as it proclaimed its victory to its foes. It then stretched out its enormous wings, attempting to intimidate its potential challenger. Sensing no movements, it flapped its wings, beating the ground as it quickly ascends into the sky. Like an angel, the snowy owl disappeared into the shimmering vortex.
    Hi, I am also doing A level English Language and i think that your writing is amazing already, you have good linguistic terms and a wide range of vocabularly. I would suggest try to read more texts such as newspaper articles and factual books to expand your vocab, but your desrciptive writing skills are ace already, keep it up
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    Get rid of adverbs. They're creativity killers.

    Show don't tell.

    Don't use similes at random. The last one you use, for instance, doesn't make a lot of sense. Are angels in the habit of disappearing into shimmering vortices? You may be better equipped than I am to answer that question but it's more confusing than it is informative of how the bird is moving. Similes should provide a point of reference to the reader that can inform their understanding of the narrative. Similes are adjectival or adverbial: they describe appearance, personality, behaviour or action. The verb of a sentence generally gives the reader a clue as to which of those the simile refers to. You need to be careful. The comparative referent should be pictuable behaving or appearing in the same way. The thing you're describing will then take on some of the properties of that comparative referent in the reader's imagination.

    Take this for example:

    Trees surrounded the house like bullies.

    This quite a creative simile. Bullies have circling behaviours the same as trees can form a circle. However, the circling behaviour of bullies is aggressive and predatory and they generally surround something vulnerable and victim-like. The choice of simile in this student's case inadvertently made the house seem vulnerable and victim-like and it was not in keeping with the tone of the story. On reflection, he also didn't really want the trees to seem that menacing either. He wanted the house to seem isolated and cut off. So I advised him to change the simile and the sentence structure and he ultimately came up with this:
    Like over-protective guardians, the trees had forbidden the cutting of any paths to this house, those of ample girth colluding with the spindle-leaved pines to form the densest of barriers.

    He toyed with cutting out the simile altogether as the pathetic fallacy was doing the imagery work anyway but he kept it in because he liked the idea of the person inside the house perhaps chafing under the isolation of the trees just as a person might change under the imposed isolation that an over-protective guardian would enforce. It worked in the end.
 
 
 
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