I don't really know what I'm hoping to achieve by writing this post, but I just need to feel like I'm talking to someone somehow. I'm in a really bad place and don't know how to get out of it.
I'm extremely unhappy at the moment. I'm in a job where I work hard but am not particularly good at my job and everyone there hates me and I feel it every day. I can't leave yet for the sake of my own career, I've told myself I'm going to stay there until the summer when it will look better on my CV having stayed for a while. My job involves a lot of work, but lately I've got into a pattern where I get in, fall asleep because I'm so emotionally exhausted in general, then wake up at around 3am and do the work I should have done when I got home. I come home to a flatmate who I don't get on with which contributes to it, we pretty much avoid each other now and that's lonely. I feel like everybody dislikes me, especially myself. I used to be a fairly popular person, but now I have no friends really. The ones I do have don't particularly want to talk to me or come out with me if I ask them. It was my Birthday recently and it was rubbish because only 2 people came. Then I feel awful about myself and become more miserable, then I become more boring, then less people (rightfully) want anything to do with me. I've come to realise that I have nothing to offer to people, and I hate that. I want to be interesting again, I want to be bubbly and lively again, but I don't know how to be.
The feeling awful about myself extends beyond my personality. I loathe and despise my physical appearance, and feel absolutely dreadful going out at night in particular. I recently went to a party and had to leave after half an hour because I had an awful panic attack, couldn't breathe / stop crying - my friend didn't ask any questions, assumed it was because of stress at work, but the truth is I can't cope being around other people my age in an evening capacity, where every other girl looks so good and I look so so awful; I feel conscious of everyone else being conscious of how unattractive I am, and I feel so overwhelmed by how attractive everyone else is, that it makes me want to run away and hide for ever. And then I feel even worse for feeling so bothered about it, because that makes me shallow, because I shouldn't care. I have a very petite frame, but because my eating habits are so poor I've developed a fat gut over the last year. I really want to lose it, but I'm so terrified that I'll lose what boobs and bum I do have by doing that and feel even more anxious about my physical appearance that I don't do anything about it, so I just continue to feel really down about how I look.
Then there's my boyfriend. I love him more than I've ever loved any thing or one, but he doesn't love me. As in, he tells me he never will because he no longer has the capacity to, and I can't hold it against him because he can't help it, but it hurts me because he has loved people in the past. He recently deleted a load of his Facebook profile pictures, keeping only a select few - he's never had a photo with me as his profile picture, which is fine, but when he deleted most of his pictures he kept the ones with his first girlfriend on there. He still speaks to her sometimes, and I've always felt like I'll never come close to her, that he will leave me for her as soon as the time is right - he met up with her in the past without telling me which bothered me as well. He has a lot of female friends that he speaks to all the time, which I worry about because I'm so insecure about myself, and it feels like it's only a matter of time until he leaves me. He has cheated on me in the past, and while I've forgiven him I play it over in my head sometimes and worry that he's unhappy with me, that I can't possibly satisfy him. I have this torment inside me, this overwhelming sense of love and devotion that I feel for him, but then this conflicting immense sadness stemming from a desire to be loved and missed - but then I know that I am unlovable and that it's ridiculous to want something that I don't deserve.
I've felt depressed in varying degrees for 12 years, but just lately I really do feel void of desire and motivation to live. I'm not in danger of taking my life as I feel too consumed with guilt if I think about actually ending it - I could never do that to my mum as she would blame herself and it would destroy her, and she doesn't deserve to feel that pain. But I fantasise about it a lot, and the possibility of one day being away from everything brings me comfort. I hate how I feel, I want to be happy again, but when I really think about it I don't know when the last time was that I was truly happy - maybe about 7 years ago. I'm a shell of the person I was in my teens, and I want so much to get back to being a fun, interesting, happy person, but I haven't got a clue. I want to feel connected to people again, I want people to want to be around me, but I don't know how to become somebody that is good to be around.
Sorry that this has turned out to be such a long post! If you have read this far, you are a saint, haha! If anybody out there can relate or has any suggestions as to things that might help me, I'd really appreciate your input. Thank you
TLDR: very unhappy person has become someone that nobody likes, including herself, and doesn't know how to make herself better.
Feel so lonely and low, don't know how to help myself :( Watch
- Thread Starter
You sound very much like someone close to me. He also is living with depression. I am hopeful for you as you say you have no intention of harming yourself. That is a great start. You clearly have a lot of insight and are very thouhghtful. Have you seen a mental health specialist and are you taking prescription medicines? If you are I suggest contacting your clinicians for adjustment of the medicines, if you are not seeing someone please do.
Until then wake up, brush your teeth , clean up, get dressed and go out. Do your daily tasks and establish a routine. Do something for fun, alone or with a close, nonromantic friend. Keep this up even if you don't feel like it.
You are worthy of a life well lived.
i would ditch the boyfriend, he doesn't sound good to you!
try and be happy
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way op. I know how awful it is.
It's very brave of you to reach out in this way. Is there anyone close to you - family or friends - who you might be able to speak to about how you're feeling? You wouldn't have to tell them everything (only what you felt comfortable saying) - but just saying something to someone who could lend a sympathetic ear might help/make you feel less alone.
You may have done so already, but it is worth speaking to your doctor about how you feel - it sounds like you are suffering from depression. They can offer confidential support that can be very helpful.
The main thing to hold on to is that things can change. As glib or empty as it might sound, it's a fact of life that change is inevitable - and it can be for the better.
It's most important that you are kind to yourself at the moment. I know that's very difficult when you're feeling very down about yourself - but it sounds like your current perception of yourself is very distorted, and that you are unfairly hard and critical on yourself (I am about myself; a technique I find useful is to ask myself if I would ever treat a friend (or anyone else) the way I treat myself; it helps me realise what a cruel bully I am to me, in a way I would never imagine behaving towards others).
Regarding your job - whatever it might do for your career, if it is contributing to you feeling this miserable, is it really worth it? There are often other ways into your chosen career. Or perhaps you need some time away from it - maybe you could apply for a similar position once you are feeling better generally, and would be better able to cope with a very demanding pace of work. Other doors, that will still get you where you want to be, may open in the meantime.(I know I don't know you, or your ambitions, but generally, there is never only one way to achieve things - even if we feel 'trapped' at the time).
Also, I know I don't know your boyfriend either, but he doesn't sound like he is treating you very kindly or lovingly - as he should - or supporting you through a difficult time. It sounds like he is far more concerned with himself and what he wants. I think you deserve better than that. You deserve someone who treasures and cherishes you.
When I'm with a group of people, I often feel like the most stupid/boring/asocial person there. In my darker moments, I wonder why my friends want to spend time with me at all, and wonder when they'll also realize I'm not worth their time. But this is distorted thinking - and our thoughts do not necessarily correspond to the truth. When you're depressed (it sounds like you are) it clouds and distorts your thinking. But it doesn't have to tyrannize you, if you can recognize what it is, and reject what it tells you.
Your current flatmate situation sounds very isolating (again, been there ...). But you will live and work with people other than them in the future, and there's every chance you'll meet some you get on with (and some you won't, but that's normal). Try not to worry too much - this situation is relatively temporary in the scheme of your life.
I hope I don't sound too patronizing in the above ... It sounds to me like you are not very well at the moment - but please hold on to the fact that things can get better from now, and you won't feel like this forever. I think that if you could talk to a doctor and/or loved one, it might help open up a way out of this situation for you. I really wish you all the best OP.Last edited by hannah234; 2 weeks ago at 03:59.
Ngl I skim read your post because it was so long, but I can see you need to remove the toxic things in your life like your boyfriend. Obviously work takes up a lot of your time and you mentioned you don't like going to parties, so maybe give up the parties and take up a new hobby. Things that invlove excersixe can be a great way for people to stay motivated in life and excersize makes you happier by improving mental health aswell as physical. I'm sure you're very pretty and you just don't see that, probably because of your boyfriend who from what I can tell, treats u like dirt on the ground. A lot of people eat poorly because what they eat is one of the few things if they can control in their life so they do control it. It seems to me like you can't see your options and you think you're stuck being unhappy. You need to take control of your life by Getting rid of your boyfriend, realising that your hard work will eventually pay off and earn you an impressive cv that will hopefully let you choose a job you're happy in, and you neeed to start eating healthily.
I really hope everything improves for you and that this helps you
Your going through a rough phase and need a bit of help - it's that simple:-
First thing tomorrow go and chat to your GP you will likely need meds and referral to a councilimg service
It will get significantly better from there but will take time
- Flat mate issue will be short lived in the bigger picture of your life, sounds like an idiot, you just got unlucky!
- Boyfriend issue, we'll really he's a bum and you CAN do better. You should dump and you will in time believe me, once you see the clarity! But, for now you will put up with it and THINK you are in love as you don't have the energy to fight it but in time you will find the strength!
- job situation, you are making the right call however, I had a similar situation when I was younger and the [email protected] gave me a poor reference despite my best efforts and I regretted not leaving sooner! Whatever happens in the relatively short term it will better and get sorted, you will ultimately find a better job with better people
So, go girl you have it all ahead of you! It's going to get better from here! But get over to your GP first thing, that's your starting point for change - good luck