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Depersonalisation? Should I see my doctor or counsellor? watch

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    *Long paragraph & some language - sorry. I just don't know what to do or where to go, so I came here. Even if no one replies, I feel better for telling people.

    I don't feel. I don't feel emotions, I don't feel love, I don't feel me, alive. I just ponder around clueleslly as the days go by until another problem crops up. Even then It doesn't affect me.
    I know I love my family but I don't feel it. You just know you do because that's what's expected and what you've done/been told all your life. I say 'I love you' with no meaning behind it, despite it being there, if that makes any sense? It's there but there's a glass wall seperating me and the meaning apart.
    I moved 400 miles away from my friends and I didn't feel like anything was happening or that anything was changing. It just kinda flew by and I was okay with that. I didn't feel sad I was leaving anyone behind, although I know that I miss them. I left my whole life behind and I did it without flinching or thinking twice about what's happening.
    Life is just flying by and I have no control over it. I'm not phased by it although I should be. At 14 years old I should be feeling all these emotions, I should feel connections with people, I should feel sad about not seeing people again, I should feel angry at people who've screwed me over, I should just feel things and feel human... But I don't, and that's what's stopping me from living.
    I sit there behind a screen talking to my friends with a straight, emotionless face. The funniest picture could've been sent and I'd just type "Lmaoo dying" with a straight face. It's as though my personality is online. I'm a completly different person when I type. My true self comes out, the way I talk, act and react.
    The only time life feels real is when I'm alone in my head and the thought of death comes along. I'm so scared of death and the though makes me freak. I freak out and start panicking, I start hitting myself uncontrollably and unwillingly, I punch walls and scream. I jump out of bed and run around my room, I kick off. I get breathless. I hate it. That's the only thing that makes me realise life is real, and that it's **** because I'm living like this all day everyday and when thats over, death comes.
    I thought music was my escape, and it was - for a while. Now when I put my headphones in and shut my eyes or just stare blankly at a wall, I can't focus. I can't focus on the music. I feel as though someone is always shouting me or ill miss something important. I've done counselling for my depression and anxiety, not realising I feel like this and bringing it up during the sessions to work on it - now it feels too late.
    Life is driving by with me in the passenger seat. Help. Please.
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    See your GP and tell them what you've written here. i also deal with depersonalisation and it's difficult, although mine isn't as constant as yours is with regards to emotions. I'm sorry you're suffering so much, it's not fair. :console:
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    (Original post by Pathway)
    See your GP and tell them what you've written here. i also deal with depersonalisation and it's difficult, although mine isn't as constant as yours is with regards to emotions. I'm sorry you're suffering so much, it's not fair. :console:
    Can I ask how you deal with it? I want to see my GP but I'd need to do it without my mum knowing. she's a mental health nurse and I hate her to see my like this
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    (Original post by TJayyC)
    Can I ask how you deal with it? I want to see my GP but I'd need to do it without my mum knowing. she's a mental health nurse and I hate her to see my like this
    It depends what's making me have dissociation (the umbrella term which depersonalisation is under) in the first place - my dissociation is relating to my complex PTSD. I don't deal with it very well, I rely on my dissociation to function so I'm not the best person to ask on that. But grounding techniques help some people, journaling and mood tracking do as well (you may feel distant from your emotions but they're still there or you might be unable to identify them). Sometimes I feel like I should know how to feel (e.g. when I'm in a potentially violent situation I know I should feel scared but I don't - so I make a mental note to process it later, just because I can't "feel" it in the moment doesn't mean I'm not actually scared - does that make sense? I'm so bad at explaining this apologies. ).

    Honestly, dealing with this stuff is trial and error, it takes time. My dissociation is pretty constant, so I relate to you in that way, it's just not always manifesting in a way where I'm separate from my emotions.
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    (Original post by Pathway)
    It depends what's making me have dissociation (the umbrella term which depersonalisation is under) in the first place - my dissociation is relating to my complex PTSD. I don't deal with it very well, I rely on my dissociation to function so I'm not the best person to ask on that. But grounding techniques help some people, journaling and mood tracking do as well (you may feel distant from your emotions but they're still there or you might be unable to identify them). Sometimes I feel like I should know how to feel (e.g. when I'm in a potentially violent situation I know I should feel scared but I don't - so I make a mental note to process it later, just because I can't "feel" it in the moment doesn't mean I'm not actually scared - does that make sense? I'm so bad at explaining this apologies. ).

    Honestly, dealing with this stuff is trial and error, it takes time. My dissociation is pretty constant, so I relate to you in that way, it's just not always manifesting in a way where I'm separate from my emotions.
    I appreciate that, honestly. I don't know what's triggered this whole thing, guess I need to go find out. But ill note some things down for future use. Thankyou <3
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    (Original post by TJayyC)
    I appreciate that, honestly. I don't know what's triggered this whole thing, guess I need to go find out. But ill note some things down for future use. Thankyou <3
    :console: You're welcome. There are quite a few things online that could help you (Google things that you have particular difficulties with), but as I said identifying what you think you should be feeling (again the emotions behind glass analogy is useful here) is a good start. Could be that there's a "block" preventing you from feeling emotions properly because you're unable to cope with them or process them. It's not unusual though, so there is help out there. Finding out your "block" and your potential original trigger would be useful in moving forward too. Using myself as an example: abuse was my trigger and the block is I am unable to cope with things that trigger off my CPTSD - do you see what I mean? So if/when I process my traumas, the block that is my CPTSD should have less of a hold over me and I'll be better able to function without the use of dissociation.

    It's not impossible to lessen dissociation, just isn't easy and it'll take a lot of time/effort to get there. But don't be put off by it. :hugs:

    Is there a reason why you feel unable to talk to your mum about your depersonalisation, aside from not wanting her to see you like this? Your mum I'm sure would want to help.
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    (Original post by Pathway)
    :console: You're welcome. There are quite a few things online that could help you (Google things that you have particular difficulties with), but as I said identifying what you think you should be feeling (again the emotions behind glass analogy is useful here) is a good start. Could be that there's a "block" preventing you from feeling emotions properly because you're unable to cope with them or process them. It's not unusual though, so there is help out there. Finding out your "block" and your potential original trigger would be useful in moving forward too. Using myself as an example: abuse was my trigger and the block is I am unable to cope with things that trigger off my CPTSD - do you see what I mean? So if/when I process my traumas, the block that is my CPTSD should have less of a hold over me and I'll be better able to function without the use of dissociation.

    It's not impossible to lessen dissociation, just isn't easy and it'll take a lot of time/effort to get there. But don't be put off by it. :hugs:

    Is there a reason why you feel unable to talk to your mum about your depersonalisation, aside from not wanting her to see you like this? Your mum I'm sure would want to help.
    She is supportive and knows about my depression and anxiety (I was suicidal and she had to be brought in) but I only learnt about depersonalisation today from a Facebook comment (funnily enough) and I looked it up and started crying because it was a relate-able. I thought I finally know what's up and I can get to work on it. But I don't want to bring her in on it because we're all going through stressful times right now and I don't want her thinking I'm just making this up because of stress or whatever. I want to find out fully myself first before I get others in.
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    (Original post by TJayyC)
    She is supportive and knows about my depression and anxiety (I was suicidal and she had to be brought in) but I only learnt about depersonalisation today from a Facebook comment (funnily enough) and I looked it up and started crying because it was a relate-able. I thought I finally know what's up and I can get to work on it. But I don't want to bring her in on it because we're all going through stressful times right now and I don't want her thinking I'm just making this up because of stress or whatever. I want to find out fully myself first before I get others in.
    :hugs: Understandable. I do think it would be worth asking for help with it, dissociation is highly associated with anxiety and also links in with depression.
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    Moved to Mental Health. Possible more relevant here
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    Yo, I likely can't help you very much but maybe I can comfort you.

    My experience:
    When I was 15 my fear of death came back except it was way worse with me now getting full on panic attacks whereas when I was 11 it was just a constant bad feeling, kinda like depersonalisation now I think about it. It started when I ate way too much at McDonalds lol which also made me think that overeating will give me a panic attack as it had many more times after that. I found that my panic attacks themselves felt very depersonalised like watching a film but I didn't know what it was for a while until I kept looking online and eventually came across /r/depersonalisation on Reddit. Knowing it was a thing that others got greatly helped and that it was anxiety linked as it was plain as day that I've always had severe anxiety even if I didn't know what it was at the time. I got CBT therapy as I had heard this helped but it didn't really. I actually kind of hoped I would die each time I finished a session because I hated myself so much for all these problems I was finding out I had. I would get panic attacks weekly to the point I could control them fairly well as I had so much trial and error on them. I had depersonalisation in my everyday life too. My friends at school who I was very close to were now just acquaintances I hang out with for 6 hours a day because they had moved forward in going out drinking etc when I didn't want to. The love thing with family was exactly the same. I felt so guilty saying "Love you too" to my mum and dad when I felt absolutely nothing behind it but felt like I should feel something as I'm expected to. Sitting with my dad would feel weird as I would look at him and then kind of feel a complete disconnect of emotions, like "this is my dad, why don't I feel anything as if he's a stranger?". My parents were really supportive, especially my dad which was surprising as he doesn't have these problems like my mum does, and he really looked into it to help me.

    The part that might help:
    At some point I came across stuff on /r/teenagers and the depersonalisation subreddit that basically concluded in my head that getting out and changing up my lifestyle would fix me. It took a while but at some point this other big group who I knew a few of pretty well accepted me into their group when I just started hanging out with them. Hung out with them every day and my lessons had them in too, went to several parties with them as well. I can't say for sure if that was what did it but I really felt so much better when I switched to hanging out with them. I was eager to go out too. If they were playing football somewhere then I would want to go and I don't even like football that much. I was so much better off and somewhere along the line my depersonalisation was just gone before I realised it. Also worth nothing that on the summer before that year, so mid 2015 when I was getting all this fear, I felt a lot better and had like two panic attacks. I wasn't seeing or talking to anybody except my family but the stress of school being gone seemed to really help me relax but when school came about again I was getting worse again until I moved friend group like I said above. On top of that, the Christmas holidays of 2015 (so after that summer) was the most depressing one ever where I constantly thought about death and couldn't enjoy things I was watching like anime and YouTube and I was desperate to go out, even to pick up my sister from work every night. This is what led me to change my lifestyle.

    Now I'm back with my old friends but in a more concentrated group and I got really socially anxious for a while and I'm now on fluoxetine and propranolol but phases like that kind of come and go for me I guess but the big picture is that my depersonalisation has now been gone for nearly two years now and I can easily say I love my parents and actually feel it from inside me like a strong urge to protect them. I do sometimes struggle to feel any purpose like as motivation but that's just depression and things I want give me a purpose I guess, like wanting the thing I'm getting for Christmas or to get big at the gym or my no.1 life goal at the moment which is to get an AE86 Trueno (because Initial D lmao)

    So that's a lot of writing and a lot of it was about me, I guess it was also an unloading off my chest for me too, but hopefully you can find something in there that helps because it is something that you can get over and it is something that will just pass.
 
 
 
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