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Depersonalisation? Should I see my doctor or counsellor? Watch

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    *Long paragraph & some language - sorry. I just don't know what to do or where to go, so I came here. Even if no one replies, I feel better for telling people.

    I don't feel. I don't feel emotions, I don't feel love, I don't feel me, alive. I just ponder around clueleslly as the days go by until another problem crops up. Even then It doesn't affect me.
    I know I love my family but I don't feel it. You just know you do because that's what's expected and what you've done/been told all your life. I say 'I love you' with no meaning behind it, despite it being there, if that makes any sense? It's there but there's a glass wall seperating me and the meaning apart.
    I moved 400 miles away from my friends and I didn't feel like anything was happening or that anything was changing. It just kinda flew by and I was okay with that. I didn't feel sad I was leaving anyone behind, although I know that I miss them. I left my whole life behind and I did it without flinching or thinking twice about what's happening.
    Life is just flying by and I have no control over it. I'm not phased by it although I should be. At 14 years old I should be feeling all these emotions, I should feel connections with people, I should feel sad about not seeing people again, I should feel angry at people who've screwed me over, I should just feel things and feel human... But I don't, and that's what's stopping me from living.
    I sit there behind a screen talking to my friends with a straight, emotionless face. The funniest picture could've been sent and I'd just type "Lmaoo dying" with a straight face. It's as though my personality is online. I'm a completly different person when I type. My true self comes out, the way I talk, act and react.
    The only time life feels real is when I'm alone in my head and the thought of death comes along. I'm so scared of death and the though makes me freak. I freak out and start panicking, I start hitting myself uncontrollably and unwillingly, I punch walls and scream. I jump out of bed and run around my room, I kick off. I get breathless. I hate it. That's the only thing that makes me realise life is real, and that it's **** because I'm living like this all day everyday and when thats over, death comes.
    I thought music was my escape, and it was - for a while. Now when I put my headphones in and shut my eyes or just stare blankly at a wall, I can't focus. I can't focus on the music. I feel as though someone is always shouting me or ill miss something important. I've done counselling for my depression and anxiety, not realising I feel like this and bringing it up during the sessions to work on it - now it feels too late.
    Life is driving by with me in the passenger seat. Help. Please.
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    See your GP and tell them what you've written here. i also deal with depersonalisation and it's difficult, although mine isn't as constant as yours is with regards to emotions. I'm sorry you're suffering so much, it's not fair. :console:
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    (Original post by Pathway)
    See your GP and tell them what you've written here. i also deal with depersonalisation and it's difficult, although mine isn't as constant as yours is with regards to emotions. I'm sorry you're suffering so much, it's not fair. :console:
    Can I ask how you deal with it? I want to see my GP but I'd need to do it without my mum knowing. she's a mental health nurse and I hate her to see my like this
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    (Original post by TJayyC)
    Can I ask how you deal with it? I want to see my GP but I'd need to do it without my mum knowing. she's a mental health nurse and I hate her to see my like this
    It depends what's making me have dissociation (the umbrella term which depersonalisation is under) in the first place - my dissociation is relating to my complex PTSD. I don't deal with it very well, I rely on my dissociation to function so I'm not the best person to ask on that. But grounding techniques help some people, journaling and mood tracking do as well (you may feel distant from your emotions but they're still there or you might be unable to identify them). Sometimes I feel like I should know how to feel (e.g. when I'm in a potentially violent situation I know I should feel scared but I don't - so I make a mental note to process it later, just because I can't "feel" it in the moment doesn't mean I'm not actually scared - does that make sense? I'm so bad at explaining this apologies. ).

    Honestly, dealing with this stuff is trial and error, it takes time. My dissociation is pretty constant, so I relate to you in that way, it's just not always manifesting in a way where I'm separate from my emotions.
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    (Original post by Pathway)
    It depends what's making me have dissociation (the umbrella term which depersonalisation is under) in the first place - my dissociation is relating to my complex PTSD. I don't deal with it very well, I rely on my dissociation to function so I'm not the best person to ask on that. But grounding techniques help some people, journaling and mood tracking do as well (you may feel distant from your emotions but they're still there or you might be unable to identify them). Sometimes I feel like I should know how to feel (e.g. when I'm in a potentially violent situation I know I should feel scared but I don't - so I make a mental note to process it later, just because I can't "feel" it in the moment doesn't mean I'm not actually scared - does that make sense? I'm so bad at explaining this apologies. ).

    Honestly, dealing with this stuff is trial and error, it takes time. My dissociation is pretty constant, so I relate to you in that way, it's just not always manifesting in a way where I'm separate from my emotions.
    I appreciate that, honestly. I don't know what's triggered this whole thing, guess I need to go find out. But ill note some things down for future use. Thankyou <3
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    (Original post by TJayyC)
    I appreciate that, honestly. I don't know what's triggered this whole thing, guess I need to go find out. But ill note some things down for future use. Thankyou <3
    :console: You're welcome. There are quite a few things online that could help you (Google things that you have particular difficulties with), but as I said identifying what you think you should be feeling (again the emotions behind glass analogy is useful here) is a good start. Could be that there's a "block" preventing you from feeling emotions properly because you're unable to cope with them or process them. It's not unusual though, so there is help out there. Finding out your "block" and your potential original trigger would be useful in moving forward too. Using myself as an example: abuse was my trigger and the block is I am unable to cope with things that trigger off my CPTSD - do you see what I mean? So if/when I process my traumas, the block that is my CPTSD should have less of a hold over me and I'll be better able to function without the use of dissociation.

    It's not impossible to lessen dissociation, just isn't easy and it'll take a lot of time/effort to get there. But don't be put off by it. :hugs:

    Is there a reason why you feel unable to talk to your mum about your depersonalisation, aside from not wanting her to see you like this? Your mum I'm sure would want to help.
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    (Original post by Pathway)
    :console: You're welcome. There are quite a few things online that could help you (Google things that you have particular difficulties with), but as I said identifying what you think you should be feeling (again the emotions behind glass analogy is useful here) is a good start. Could be that there's a "block" preventing you from feeling emotions properly because you're unable to cope with them or process them. It's not unusual though, so there is help out there. Finding out your "block" and your potential original trigger would be useful in moving forward too. Using myself as an example: abuse was my trigger and the block is I am unable to cope with things that trigger off my CPTSD - do you see what I mean? So if/when I process my traumas, the block that is my CPTSD should have less of a hold over me and I'll be better able to function without the use of dissociation.

    It's not impossible to lessen dissociation, just isn't easy and it'll take a lot of time/effort to get there. But don't be put off by it. :hugs:

    Is there a reason why you feel unable to talk to your mum about your depersonalisation, aside from not wanting her to see you like this? Your mum I'm sure would want to help.
    She is supportive and knows about my depression and anxiety (I was suicidal and she had to be brought in) but I only learnt about depersonalisation today from a Facebook comment (funnily enough) and I looked it up and started crying because it was a relate-able. I thought I finally know what's up and I can get to work on it. But I don't want to bring her in on it because we're all going through stressful times right now and I don't want her thinking I'm just making this up because of stress or whatever. I want to find out fully myself first before I get others in.
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    (Original post by TJayyC)
    She is supportive and knows about my depression and anxiety (I was suicidal and she had to be brought in) but I only learnt about depersonalisation today from a Facebook comment (funnily enough) and I looked it up and started crying because it was a relate-able. I thought I finally know what's up and I can get to work on it. But I don't want to bring her in on it because we're all going through stressful times right now and I don't want her thinking I'm just making this up because of stress or whatever. I want to find out fully myself first before I get others in.
    :hugs: Understandable. I do think it would be worth asking for help with it, dissociation is highly associated with anxiety and also links in with depression.
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    Moved to Mental Health. Possible more relevant here
 
 
 
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