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Tried cohabitation with boyfriend in a flat meant for one person Watch

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    My boyfriend and I were long distance until this year when I moved into his city. I'm still financially dependent on my parents and they got me a studio flat but they said they don't want my boyfriend to live there permanently.

    I didn't listen to them on this because I wanted to live with my boyfriend, but in time my boyfriend and I discovered that the flat is really small and really isn't meant for 2 people to live in it permanently. It is called a studio flat but it's more like a bedroom with a small kitchenette. The last 2 months we have been really cranky with each other; the room is a mess all the time and feels overloaded with stuff.

    I tried to convey this to him in the most tactful way possible. He has a tenancy somewhere else so it's not like I'm kicking him out to live on the streets. I said I really wanted to move in with him this year but in a flat that is actually meant for a couple, not just one person. When my mom came to visit me here we were running around like headless chickens trying to remove any trace of him living here. My tenancy agreement also says I am not allowed to cohabitate with someone here. Just feels like everything is working against us cohabiting and it's really not the right time to do it.

    Is he right to be offended by this? I did say to him in the beginning that I want him to stay here all the time and he said he wouldn't, but then he ended up staying all the time anyway. I ended up deciding this flat is not meant for 2 people to live in it permanently.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    My boyfriend and I were long distance until this year when I moved into his city. I'm still financially dependent on my parents and they got me a studio flat but they said they don't want my boyfriend to live there permanently.

    I didn't listen to them on this because I wanted to live with my boyfriend, but in time my boyfriend and I discovered that the flat is really small and really isn't meant for 2 people to live in it permanently. It is called a studio flat but it's more like a bedroom with a small kitchenette. The last 2 months we have been really cranky with each other; the room is a mess all the time and feels overloaded with stuff.

    I tried to convey this to him in the most tactful way possible. He has a tenancy somewhere else so it's not like I'm kicking him out to live on the streets. I said I really wanted to move in with him this year but in a flat that is actually meant for a couple, not just one person. When my mom came to visit me here we were running around like headless chickens trying to remove any trace of him living here. My tenancy agreement also says I am not allowed to cohabitate with someone here. Just feels like everything is working against us cohabiting and it's really not the right time to do it.

    Is he right to be offended by this? I did say to him in the beginning that I want him to stay here all the time and he said he wouldn't, but then he ended up staying all the time anyway. I ended up deciding this flat is not meant for 2 people to live in it permanently.
    Why can't you find somewhere together?
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    Why can't you find somewhere together?
    Because my parents don't approve and it is really difficult to do this behind their backs. Plus he isn't financially well off; he has free accommodation somewhere with a roommate and he wasn't paying any rent here.
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    You shouldn’t have invited him to live there permanently. What’s done is done. You need to explain to him that living together isn’t working out. He might get offended, but you need to be firm and do the right thing.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Because my parents don't approve and it is really difficult to do this behind their backs. Plus he isn't financially well off; he has free accommodation somewhere with a roommate and he wasn't paying any rent here.
    If you want the relationship to work you will eventually have to make a decision about how to tackle their issues with him. I think you need to have a sit down and figure out what you can do for both of you that works, whether that's saying we can live together after uni or let's find a way to in the near future but you need to do something otherwise if you just ask him to leave you will be taking a definite step back.
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    (Original post by Dima-Blackburn)
    You shouldn’t have invited him to live there permanently. What’s done is done. You need to explain to him that living together isn’t working out. He might get offended, but you need to be firm and do the right thing.
    I am mad at myself for creating this situation in the first place. I naively thought we could do this but all we do is argue, argue and argue. I still want to cohabitate with him but only when I am financially independent (and therefore not subject to my parents' outdated opinions) and we can both afford a place that is actually meant for 2 people. This arrangement was doomed to failure.
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    You just need to talk to him. It's reasonable for him to be upset - it's gonna feel like a backwards step in your relationship. But I can totally understand, I lived with my partner in a studio (meant for two) for a year and it was hell by the end. People need space and you are alway going to have a messy flat if you don't have enough storage. Just make it clear you want to live together and want the two of you to try and work towards that goal by you both earning enough money to make it work. You'll probably have to wait out his anger for a while but TBH he isn't being fair - he's not paying for the flat and he has his own flat.
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    (Original post by doodle_333)
    You just need to talk to him. It's reasonable for him to be upset - it's gonna feel like a backwards step in your relationship. But I can totally understand, I lived with my partner in a studio (meant for two) for a year and it was hell by the end. People need space and you are alway going to have a messy flat if you don't have enough storage. Just make it clear you want to live together and want the two of you to try and work towards that goal by you both earning enough money to make it work. You'll probably have to wait out his anger for a while but TBH he isn't being fair - he's not paying for the flat and he has his own flat.
    I just feel really conflicted about everything. I have moments of needing space but they are short so if I had a one bedroom flat that would have been perfect - I could just go to the living room if I needed space for half an hour and then come back. He is unreasonable about my need for space; he gets mad even if I go to take a walk somewhere without him. Now he is saying he will tell his parents I kicked him out which is far from the truth and he says he will never stay at my place again. He is so all or nothing about this
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    If you want the relationship to work you will eventually have to make a decision about how to tackle their issues with him. I think you need to have a sit down and figure out what you can do for both of you that works, whether that's saying we can live together after uni or let's find a way to in the near future but you need to do something otherwise if you just ask him to leave you will be taking a definite step back.
    I didn't even ask him to leave, I just voiced my concerns about the lack of space in this flat. He responded by grabbing all his stuff and saying he will never stay here again.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I just feel really conflicted about everything. I have moments of needing space but they are short so if I had a one bedroom flat that would have been perfect - I could just go to the living room if I needed space for half an hour and then come back. He is unreasonable about my need for space; he gets mad even if I go to take a walk somewhere without him. Now he is saying he will tell his parents I kicked him out which is far from the truth and he says he will never stay at my place again. He is so all or nothing about this
    Well he is being a baby. I get that it will be upsetting to be asked to move out but you aren't being unreasonable. Couples need their own space. A studio drove me mad and we both have plenty of hobbies and full time jobs. I would give him a few days to calm down then try and talk calmly and find a compromise e.g. he stays over 3-4 days a week. I understand from his point of view it feels like you moved in together - but he said he wouldn't do that and still have his own flat.
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    (Original post by doodle_333)
    Well he is being a baby. I get that it will be upsetting to be asked to move out but you aren't being unreasonable. Couples need their own space. A studio drove me mad and we both have plenty of hobbies and full time jobs. I would give him a few days to calm down then try and talk calmly and find a compromise e.g. he stays over 3-4 days a week. I understand from his point of view it feels like you moved in together - but he said he wouldn't do that and still have his own flat.
    We both have the gym as a hobby which we do together. I actually like going there with him because he can spot me when I am lifting heavy stuff but if I attempt to go on some days when he is too busy and it is really convenient for me (e.g. no lectures) he gets upset because I exclude him... He asks me about a recap of my conversations with anyone (many of them are in a foreign language) on the phone and he eavesdrops on my phone if I am texting someone. It's not like I'm hiding anything in particular from him but I know the person on the other end of the phone wouldn't like him reading or hearing every single thing they say to me so I feel bad about that too. I find myself not texting or calling other people as much as I used to because I feel like **** about this.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    We both have the gym as a hobby which we do together. I actually like going there with him because he can spot me when I am lifting heavy stuff but if I attempt to go on some days when he is too busy and it is really convenient for me (e.g. no lectures) he gets upset because I exclude him... He asks me about a recap of my conversations with anyone (many of them are in a foreign language) on the phone and he eavesdrops on my phone if I am texting someone. It's not like I'm hiding anything in particular from him but I know the person on the other end of the phone wouldn't like him reading or hearing every single thing they say to me so I feel bad about that too. I find myself not texting or calling other people as much as I used to because I feel like **** about this.
    that is super controlling and TBH if you can't address those issues you are better off without him... me and my boyfriend took up climbing together but sometimes it just makes more sense to go to the gym apart, sometimes he climbs with other girls we've met there, soemtimes I climb with other guys... it's not a big deal
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    I shared a single bedroom with my exgf for a year lol. We're both laid back though so it was chill.
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    I would consider getting somewhere bigger for the two of you. At the moment, there simply isn't enough space, and you run the risk of breaking your tenancy agreement should your landlord find out. I would be truthful with him - tell him you love him and are waiting to find somewhere nicer together, your current place isn't somewhere where he can live, and it will cause trouble should your landlord or parents find out. I understand he may not have reacted as you would have hoped, but he should understand within time - he can't be that immature.

    On a side note, why do your parents not approve of him?
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    Parents playing 4d chess, knew he would move in and you would argue

    Probably picked the smallest apartment they could find.

    Also why you dating someone so financially unstable
 
 
 
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