Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

Relationship problems; stress, depression and job disatisfaction Watch

    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    I am at a crossroads in my life really. I've been with my partner for 3-4 years, engaged for 1-2years. We met at University, within months of me breaking up with an ex.

    At first, I found her moderately attractive (as a man would any woman), we had sex a few times things were great, since then we've had up and down relationship, broke up twice. Got back together, but I would say my attraction toward her grew on me. It was never through the roof. Of course, I love her with all my heart, but over the last 8 months I've felt very little sexual attraction 'to her'.

    I've had a lot of stress over the last 6-9 months. She's been unemployed after leaving work for mental health reasons. She's been on and off sick pay, and lately we receive Universal Credit as a couple to help pay our bills. Even before her illness, we was in arrears of council tax, energy bills and the like. She was in charge of all finances and I was naive and she didn't tell me we was in debt.

    I've been working in a minimum wage job, only just scraping by on rent. I luckily receive DLA from my Mother (who sends me payments), which helps us to live.

    We have Sex on and off every so often, since I have absolutely no spark when it comes to having sex with her. I mean, of course, like any man, I pump away and thrust and can have an orgasm and ejaculate. Although, it isn't the explosive sort of experience that most people have in normal relationships.

    When we first got together as students, we'd have it (in beginning) three times a day. But now that's a dream.

    Of course, its worth mentioning I have a history of been on Anti-Depressants and had my dosage upped months ago; although I dont take them as regularly now, so I guess that doesnt matter as much.

    I am also stressed out with my current job, and the stress it brings, as well as doing my coursework for my Masters.

    My partner is naggy and controlling and very dominant. She is always on my case when I haven't done some cleaning, or if I do something, I've always done it the wrong way.

    I work full time, of course, for sure I can be lazy sometimes, and sure I dont always do things when I should. But its my Masters, its my life. I didnt move out for her to dictate to me like she my mother. I'm sick of others dictating.

    Of course, sometimes I ask for her help. But she takes it one step further, and its too much.

    I'm starting to feel a bit like, at my age, I shouldnt be living this way; struggling to pay rent, co-habiting with someone in debt, not having an active sex life, and generally been miserable with someone.

    Sometimes, as a man of 27, all I want is a good old fashioned s**g without strings attached, but also feel wanted. I don't always want the hassle of nagging females or someone telling me I *have to put the washing on* have to do this and that.

    I want to own my own life. Sick of answering to others, and not getting what I want... any advice?
    Offline

    11
    ReputationRep:
    Well..... I note that this was posted 8 hours ago. Now reread what you posted with fresh eyes. It doesn't seem to me to be much question as to what you should do.

    When I first read this my first inclination was to say the longer a relationship goes the regular (hot) sex diminishes because life gets in the way. But, the more I read the more I feel you just need to severe ties. Yes, your fiancé will be hurt but it doesn't sound like this relationship is in a healthy place and it doesn't seem like, unless A LOT changes there will be much of a chance of it getting better.

    If you both have university degrees you both should be working or working towards a higher degree (which you are). If she is unable to contribute to your household and you are studying for your masters and holding down a full time job you stress level most be enormous! Then it sounds like you have a lot of resentment towards her that she is not helping financially and therefore you are in debt and are having to receive funds from the government. You are also resentful of her nagging you. Perhaps she is justified from her perspective (and your post sounded a little sexist as you didn't want 'women' nagging you) but regardless if it is justified nagging or not you have other things that are more pressing such as a job and working towards a master's degree. I can understand that if she just stays home and doesn't financially help you'd kind of expect her to keeping your flat tidy and not nag you about it.

    My absolute best advice given your scenario is to please break-off this relationship before you get married. You need time to be in you own space so that when you come home from work you can focus and study. You don't need her nagging you. Of course, normally, you'd both contribute the keeping the wash done and the flat clean but this isn't a normal relationship because it sounds like she has a college degree but doesn't work and expects you to do whatever 'chore' she asks you to do. You are not feeling sexually attracted to her at this point because you are exhausted and, frankly, from what you've said she's not being supportive of you.

    You need to focus on you, personally, right now. Go to work (help pay off the debt but get out from underneath it) and complete your masters. Come home to your own space for your own mental well being. I'd wait a minimum 6 months (preferably longer) before you start dating again. Can you afford to live on your own? If not start looking now for a roommate to share a flat with.

    You are 27 so don't need to be locked into a relationship that sounds like a dead-end. With patience you will find you have graduated with that masters and many job opportunities (hopefully) will come your way. You are at a cross-roads indeed an you are trying to move forward and your girlfriend is holding you back my not working and incurring debt. If by the time you finish your masters she's gone back to work or is getting her own masters then revisit the relationship and see if it is worth revitalizing. Or most likely given some time and a mental break you will find someone who is more on your emotional wave length educationally and career wise.

    You need a fresh start. Don't stay with her just for the sex because then you are just using her especially as you say you're not sexually attracted to her.

    Best of luck to you!
    • TSR Support Team
    • Very Important Poster
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    Why are you with her if you're unhappy? You keep posting about your problems and I can't understand why you're still together.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by royal1990)
    I am at a crossroads in my life really. I've been with my partner for 3-4 years, engaged for 1-2years. We met at University, within months of me breaking up with an ex.

    At first, I found her moderately attractive (as a man would any woman), we had sex a few times things were great, since then we've had up and down relationship, broke up twice. Got back together, but I would say my attraction toward her grew on me. It was never through the roof. Of course, I love her with all my heart, but over the last 8 months I've felt very little sexual attraction 'to her'.

    I've had a lot of stress over the last 6-9 months. She's been unemployed after leaving work for mental health reasons. She's been on and off sick pay, and lately we receive Universal Credit as a couple to help pay our bills. Even before her illness, we was in arrears of council tax, energy bills and the like. She was in charge of all finances and I was naive and she didn't tell me we was in debt.

    I've been working in a minimum wage job, only just scraping by on rent. I luckily receive DLA from my Mother (who sends me payments), which helps us to live.

    We have Sex on and off every so often, since I have absolutely no spark when it comes to having sex with her. I mean, of course, like any man, I pump away and thrust and can have an orgasm and ejaculate. Although, it isn't the explosive sort of experience that most people have in normal relationships.

    When we first got together as students, we'd have it (in beginning) three times a day. But now that's a dream.

    Of course, its worth mentioning I have a history of been on Anti-Depressants and had my dosage upped months ago; although I dont take them as regularly now, so I guess that doesnt matter as much.

    I am also stressed out with my current job, and the stress it brings, as well as doing my coursework for my Masters.

    My partner is naggy and controlling and very dominant. She is always on my case when I haven't done some cleaning, or if I do something, I've always done it the wrong way.

    I work full time, of course, for sure I can be lazy sometimes, and sure I dont always do things when I should. But its my Masters, its my life. I didnt move out for her to dictate to me like she my mother. I'm sick of others dictating.

    Of course, sometimes I ask for her help. But she takes it one step further, and its too much.

    I'm starting to feel a bit like, at my age, I shouldnt be living this way; struggling to pay rent, co-habiting with someone in debt, not having an active sex life, and generally been miserable with someone.

    Sometimes, as a man of 27, all I want is a good old fashioned s**g without strings attached, but also feel wanted. I don't always want the hassle of nagging females or someone telling me I *have to put the washing on* have to do this and that.

    I want to own my own life. Sick of answering to others, and not getting what I want... any advice?
    As said above - Don’t stay in a relationship if you’re unhappy. It’s not fair on either of you.
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    Offline

    6
    ReputationRep:
    You say you love your partner with all your heart but yet Your thinking of leaving. I’ve seen this situation in many couples. Unfortunately after the honeymoon period the sex always slows down but you should be left with a partner that knows you very well. Jobs and financial situations are always a factor no matter who your with, that’s part of life. Don’t just run away from the relationship because all relationships go through ups and downs. Your probably thinking it’s easier just to walk away but try to work at it first. Speak to her about the nagging cos I must admit I’m a women and I hate nagging lol. Encourage her to work!!! Also being single ain’t that great. Plus I think that when people have been together a while sex can become too routine but it takes both of you to spice it up. Remember what attracted you to her in the first place. It’s easily done but try not to get into to much of a routine cos that’s when life gets boring and that’s when your girlfriend is moaning about chores. When was the last time you went out and enjoyed each other’s company?
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: November 9, 2017
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Did TEF Bronze Award affect your UCAS choices?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.