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Horrible ex... need advice. Watch

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    I went through a very similar thing but it didn't involve a child. It actually took me a good few years to completely and fully 'get over it' because of how that person worked to destroy me in terms of my relationships and connections, but also my mental and emotional state. What actually bothered me most after leaving him was that I was angry he was now open to do it to someone else. Like you I completely blocked him, changed my number EVERYTHING but instead I also told friends that I didn't want to know. I explained that I'm not myself, and I wasn't myself whilst with them but I never raised the word abuse as I struggled so much to accept that what had happened was abuse. I made clear that I didn't want to know a single thing about them and that helped me recover.

    Fact of the matter is, you don't know whether he's happy or not with this other person. I just feel sorry for the other person. He obviously isn't happy with himself otherwise he wouldn't have treated you how he did - he didn't treat you how he did because it was you don't forget. That means hes still likely to be as **** miserable now as he was before regardless of whether its you or not. It's HIM that has a problem, so I doubt a partner other than you will all of a sudden solve that.

    As for this child, I'd report to social services that you don't think they're in a safe environment whilst in the custody of your ex. Yes that would be an extremely difficult thing to do but no adult should physically, emotionally and/or mentally abuse another adult and just that child being exposed to that is wrong. What's there to stop the child being the subject of that abuse now or in the future? Whilst I would wholeheartedly say that you need to put yourself first and not think of your ex and his emotions (remember you aren't responsible for whether he's happy or sad, or whether others in his life understand/support his situation or not), I do think you have somewhat of a duty that you owe to that child to also help them escape that person. A child doesn't have the opportunity to escape abuse and often need an adult to help. Obviously don't do anything to get yourself in trouble as from what I can tell from your background info you don't have any legal rights with regards to said child, but you can make a difference by asking social services and/or any other social body to just check on things. That way you can learn to fully let go and work on healing yourself knowing that there's nothing you left behind that you could possibly regret later on.

    It's a long, weird, indescribable journey from here but I'm sure you'll get through. Wishing you all the best
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    (Original post by Topsyturvy90)
    My ex and I were together for nearly 3 yrs of ups and mostly downs. We met when we were both in college and met online on a dating website. When we met, everything was great and we fell in love really quickly. We became engaged, lived together (in their house) and planned our future. We split bills and I also helped raise their daughter together and was there from when they were a toddler to being in school.We split up a few times in the whole of our relationship. The first time we got back together, second time they were talking to someone new and slept with them really quickly, it took me a while to forgive them as it happened very fast, they then told me they loved me and I still did too so we got back together again. The last was the final time. A bit into the background of the relationship; my ex started off very sweet and charming, but it took me a while to get the truth and their feelings out of them and eventually they started opening up. My ex was in loads of debt and kept it quiet. They lied to me when payments had been missed (I was just trying to put them in the right direction and help them.) they got so angry sometimes and stressed over the smallest things.My ex also lashed out at me a fair few times in the relationship. They spat on me, hit me and pushed me into walls. I stayed because I loved them and I know it was wrong. They were very angry and it was hard to calm down after an argument, they also shouted at me in front of the kid. They weren’t interested in my work. I paid for most things in our relationship. I put in loads of hours at work to furnish our house and they didn’t show much gratitude at all, sometimes a thanks but it was never heartfelt or sincere. I feel that they manipulated me also, if I went out to buy myself things if I had worked really hard - I would feel obliged to buy them things for the sake of it as I feel they got jealous if they couldn’t afford to go shopping. I always made sure they and their child were alright and I was very generous. I did it because I loved them.I became stressed, angry and anxious. They also sometimes made me feel guilty sometimes for going out with my friends if they didn’t have plans.I was supposed to drop everything to listen to them, answer their calls or texts and listen about their work but when I did they didn’t give me the time of day or it wasn’t really listened to.It became very atmospheric. I wasn’t a saint, but I never reacted without a reason. I was moody and snappy due to how I felt in the relationship. I never hit them (excluding self defence only, it takes a lot to make me that angry.)Our relationship ended 7 weeks ago after a massive fight. I haven’t seen them since. We were in contact up until 5 weeks ago. I have blocked them off of everything. They told me they were confused, upset, couldn’t sleep, were hurt and that none of their friends or family cared about their situation. A week and a half after the break up they are on a dating site as they want to meet new people and they feel alone (I’m pretty sure they went on it the week we broke up.) That weekend after two weeks of being broken up they go on a date with someone. I’ve been told by a mutual friend that after 4 weeks of knowing them they are already in a relationship with them.I don’t understand how someone can move on so quickly after all of that. I’m staying single, reaching out to friends and spending time with my family, healing and getting through it and they moved on faster than the speed of light whilst I still have days I feel depressed. Has anyone else been in this situation after being in a toxic relationship? I feel like I’ve been forgotten about - bare in mind I worry about the kid as we had such a strong bond and now someone new in the picture may just confuse him. It’s just such a mess.I am VERY happy it’s over. I have blocked them from everything online and I’m mentally better and I don’t dread them speaking to me like I did towards the end of the relationship. What I AM struggling with is my mind - that in my mind they are happy in this relationship and will treat this person better than I. I’m here picking up the pieces, adjusting to life that I have had to change due to moving out, rebuilding my friendships as they fell whilst with them, being away from the kid and adjusting to life in another town. They got to stay where they are and live the same life, just without me and with someone else so soon.I just think that after two weeks after a breakup you are naturally upset. After them claiming how upset and depressed you they are.I went through so much with this person and I feel like my mind’s telling me they’re really happy and loving life whilst I am trying to get bette
    1. obviously you met when you were young but these relationships don't always last forever like we dream they do because if they were meant to then your relationship would definitely not be like this
    2. I think a lot of things if apologised for and the person has changed can perhaps be forgiven if the love is reciprocated and both parties decide to carry on after mistakes that occur, forget about them and move on to never mention them again but the verbal and physical abuse is something that I could never ever forgive. it is a boundary crossed that is not only illegal and wrong not just morally but in so many ways it says so much about that persons character ESPECIALLY doing so in front of his child shows manipulative characteristics.
    3. its not very clear if the daughter here is yours or if he has had a daughter with another woman because if this is the case then this is something huge that you should have felt appreciation for from the very start because not many people can take on another persons child and treat them as their own. either way its quite worrying what sort of parent he is that he doesn't feel any shame in shouting at you in front of the child, and the fact that him having a child hasn't motivated him to work his ass off to provide for her just says everything
    4. you are not his mother you should not feel you have to provide for him especially when he is not giving you the love you deserve in return or even being thankful for how you support him and the child financially. laziness is a very unattractive attribute and just think about the future, you are going to get older it will be harder to work to make money for yourself let alone for someone else who Is not your child! because at least when your children grow up they can return the favour and support you financially when they start working if you are ever in need.

    thankfully I read to the bottom of your piece saying that you have left him, thank god. listen life can only go onwards and upwards from here because it sounds like you hit rock bottom with him. Focus on yourself, you need to treat yourself and be selfish from now on because thats what matters. not your ex and I'm sorry to say it but you can't think about his child either. what has happened here doesn't sound like it was your fault because you have tried everything. Have fun, heal and repair, and take from this experience what you will not stand for in your next relationship and I assure you that anything will be better than that and that kind loving true relationships do exist
    as for your ex, he sounds like a manipulative poisonous person. of course he will be having fun right now at first because he will be fooling her just like he fooled you at the start, then his new partner will see him for what he really is and I doubt she will be able to put up with any of the stuff that he put you through and rightly so because no one should stand for that - so its very unlikely to have a lasting relationship with someone like your ex.
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    Thank you so much for the above posts. Getting better every day and so happy I’m away from it all. Your words spoke very clear to me so thanks very much for the kind words of wisdom and advice. X
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    (Original post by Topsyturvy90)
    Thank you so much for the above posts. Getting better every day and so happy I’m away from it all. Your words spoke very clear to me so thanks very much for the kind words of wisdom and advice. X
    <3

    Walking away is a big move and even though I don't know you, I know that it takes a lot of strength just to have the ability to look back and recognise certain things that perhaps we don't want to think about, and then use such bad things to help strengthen who you are now and your future. Its tough but you'll get through it. Find someone who treats you how you ought to be treated - with mutual respect.

    Best wishes x
 
 
 
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