The Student Room Group

horrible situation

the guy i like is a friend. 3 weeks ago his sister died which has left everyone, including me as she was my friend too, absolutely devastated.
i don't know what to do now. I really like him. All I want to do is help him and make it better but I don't know how. He's taking it really badly. I've also realised how much I care about him but I don't know if I can try and move things on now. What should I do?
Reply 1
emirose
I've also realised how much I care about him but I don't know if I can try and move things on now. What should I do?


If he is still upset, don't try it on now!

Be there as a friend and offer support.
Reply 2
Don't try it on now! That's the last thing he'll be thinking about. If you really want to move things on then just be there for him. The more time he spends with you in a caring capacity he may come to like you like that.

But seriously, if you try it on the now then chances are you'll just ruin the friendship. You'll need to wait quite a long time.
Agreed last thing he will want at the minute is a relationship, just be there to comfort him if he needs it.
Reply 4
be a friend for him. a shoulder to cry on when he needs it.
Reply 5
TheOneWho
The more time he spends with you in a caring capacity he may come to like you like that.


Agreed.
Reply 6
Well, just let him know you are there for him whenever he needs you. That's all you can really do, and if he needs you, he'll appreciate that offer and you'll spend time together and such.

I hope you (and him/his family) feel better soon x
Reply 7
As stated - the best thing you can do is be there for him... if you show you're caring/a really good friend etc over the next few weeks/months/however long he may start to realise that you'd be a good choice as a girlfriend
Reply 8
thanks. thats what I thought and I really don't want to muck things up, I just thought I'd see what you guys thought. I've told him I'm there for him and when we go back to uni (different unis same city) i'll do the same. His mum asked me to promise that I'd stay in contact and be there for him as well.
emirose
the guy i like is a friend. 3 weeks ago his sister died which has left everyone, including me as she was my friend too, absolutely devastated.
i don't know what to do now. I really like him. All I want to do is help him and make it better but I don't know how. He's taking it really badly. I've also realised how much I care about him but I don't know if I can try and move things on now. What should I do?

Don't try anything, just be his friend. A girl trapped me once shortly after my brother died, and I went to be with her because I wanted to be with someone. I still resent her for trying anything at such a %%%%%%%% time in my life.

He needs you as a friend!!!
Reply 10
Anonymous
Don't try anything, just be his friend. A girl trapped me once shortly after my brother died, and I went to be with her because I wanted to be with someone. I still resent her for trying anything at such a %%%%%%%% time in my life.

He needs you as a friend!!!


I really really don't want that. I really care about him. Ok I'll leave it be and just be his friend.
Reply 11
Anonymous
Don't try anything, just be his friend. A girl trapped me once shortly after my brother died, and I went to be with her because I wanted to be with someone. I still resent her for trying anything at such a %%%%%%%% time in my life.

He needs you as a friend!!!


oh and I'm really sorry about your brother. Thank you for the first hand advice.
Reply 12
Ok I've been seeing him pretty much once a week in a friend capacity but a couple of weeks ago we kissed and he said that I make him happy. Not much else has happened since as we've both been very busy but I really don't think he's ready for this. He's very up and down and at times very uncommunicative which is hard for me too. I'm worried that he's going into this for the wrong reasons (because I make a big effort to cheer him up and distract him) and because I make him feel better, rather than liking me for me. I don't think he'd be able to cope very well with the added stress of a relationship, especially if it doesn't work out. Also I don't know if I am. Don't get me wrong, I still have feelings for him and would eventually like this to turn into something more, but it can be very draining being with him as I'm always aware of whether he's ok and I sometimes have to make a big effort to be happy and cheery and to make sure he's trying to see the best in situations, even if I myself am feeling crap. Although obviously I'm there if he wants to talk about how he's feeling. I don't know if I can handle being there in a girlfriend capacity yet. I mean even his own mum has said sometimes she's glad he's at uni and she doesn't have to see him too much as he can be very infuriating in his inability to express himself (obviously she hasn't said this to him!) I have also been in a vaguely similar situation before when I was a distraction from the fact that my boyfriend's mum was very ill, and when I went away he realised that he didn't actually care for me as a girlfriend, but enjoyed spending time with me because I was fun and distracted him from what was wrong. I ended up getting very hurt. I still want to see him as much as I am doing and I am not saying I never want to move this on just not yet. How do I go about telling him this? I really don't want to hurt him.
Reply 13
anyone?
yellowdaisy
Ok I've been seeing him pretty much once a week in a friend capacity but a couple of weeks ago we kissed and he said that I make him happy. Not much else has happened since as we've both been very busy but I really don't think he's ready for this. He's very up and down and at times very uncommunicative which is hard for me too. I'm worried that he's going into this for the wrong reasons (because I make a big effort to cheer him up and distract him) and because I make him feel better, rather than liking me for me. I don't think he'd be able to cope very well with the added stress of a relationship, especially if it doesn't work out. Also I don't know if I am. Don't get me wrong, I still have feelings for him and would eventually like this to turn into something more, but it can be very draining being with him as I'm always aware of whether he's ok and I sometimes have to make a big effort to be happy and cheery and to make sure he's trying to see the best in situations, even if I myself am feeling crap. Although obviously I'm there if he wants to talk about how he's feeling. I don't know if I can handle being there in a girlfriend capacity yet. I mean even his own mum has said sometimes she's glad he's at uni and she doesn't have to see him too much as he can be very infuriating in his inability to express himself (obviously she hasn't said this to him!) I have also been in a vaguely similar situation before when I was a distraction from the fact that my boyfriend's mum was very ill, and when I went away he realised that he didn't actually care for me as a girlfriend, but enjoyed spending time with me because I was fun and distracted him from what was wrong. I ended up getting very hurt. I still want to see him as much as I am doing and I am not saying I never want to move this on just not yet. How do I go about telling him this? I really don't want to hurt him.


keep being his friend. even if he tells you how much he likes you say you don't think it will work at the moment but that you'll always be there for him and that you think it might work when hes less up and down emotionally.
its gunna be tough for you thou, people take a long long time to get over things like that. good luck xx
Reply 15
I'm so scared that by saying anything I'm going to lose him as a friend. I love spending time with him and the absolute last thing I want to happen is for it to be awkward and to stop seeing him. But I really feel it's too soon and that if we did move it forward we would end up not being friends. And above anything else, above how much I like him, his friendship is the most important. How do I tell him I don't want to take it further without making it awkward?
Why not try being perfectly honest and explaining that although you would like something to happen one day, you think it would be a bad idea at the moment because it's for the wrong reasons. He will probably appreciate your honesty and concern.
You're right, this is a horrible situation, and I hope things get better for all of you soon xxx
Reply 17
yellowdaisy
Ok I've been seeing him pretty much once a week in a friend capacity but a couple of weeks ago we kissed and he said that I make him happy. Not much else has happened since as we've both been very busy but I really don't think he's ready for this. He's very up and down and at times very uncommunicative which is hard for me too. I'm worried that he's going into this for the wrong reasons (because I make a big effort to cheer him up and distract him) and because I make him feel better, rather than liking me for me. I don't think he'd be able to cope very well with the added stress of a relationship, especially if it doesn't work out. Also I don't know if I am. Don't get me wrong, I still have feelings for him and would eventually like this to turn into something more, but it can be very draining being with him as I'm always aware of whether he's ok and I sometimes have to make a big effort to be happy and cheery and to make sure he's trying to see the best in situations, even if I myself am feeling crap. Although obviously I'm there if he wants to talk about how he's feeling. I don't know if I can handle being there in a girlfriend capacity yet. I mean even his own mum has said sometimes she's glad he's at uni and she doesn't have to see him too much as he can be very infuriating in his inability to express himself (obviously she hasn't said this to him!) I have also been in a vaguely similar situation before when I was a distraction from the fact that my boyfriend's mum was very ill, and when I went away he realised that he didn't actually care for me as a girlfriend, but enjoyed spending time with me because I was fun and distracted him from what was wrong. I ended up getting very hurt. I still want to see him as much as I am doing and I am not saying I never want to move this on just not yet. How do I go about telling him this? I really don't want to hurt him.


He needs a friend, not a lover or a girlfriend right now - you don't want to add to his emotional baggage.
Reply 18
Wangers
He needs a friend, not a lover or a girlfriend right now - you don't want to add to his emotional baggage.


i know this hence why i am asking how to tell him i don't want to take it further without hurting him.