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Am I in the wrong or my friend? (party invite) Watch

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    So I have a friend who lives about 3 hours' drive from me, or 220 miles. I don't drive so I need to get there by public transport; the cheapest being about £50 return.

    Anyway, we've been trying to plan to meet for a while but my friend was busy all of October, and we agreed finally on this weekend, the 11th. This was agreed about 2 weeks ago.

    I'm female and he's male btw. We last saw each other 4 months ago, and before that 9 months, so we don't see each other a lot, but talk most days online.

    I would have liked to stay a weekend but he told me he had no room at all in his student accommodation room. I'd have booked a hotel but I'm doing an internship and earn peanuts so the £50 is already eating into my budget.

    Anyway, I told him I'd be arriving at 12:30 on the Saturday. Bearing in mind I'll be doing 6 hours' round trip in one day, I wanted to stay the whole day, i.e. leave very late at night, as I didn't see the point of doing 6 hours to stay for a few hours. Plus, we hardly see each other as I mentioned and it would seem a shame not to stay longer.

    Anyway, he asked me when i'd be leaving and I told him I hadn't booked my return, but that there were trains hourly so that i'd hop on any.

    He messaged me last night saying "Sorry but Saturday night I've been invited to a housewarming party by my coursemate." "I'd ask for you to come but I don't really know her that well so I can't."

    My first response was that if I'd known he had plans I would have come another weekend. After that, he told me she'd only invited him that day.

    I was then wondering why he had accepted to do something the evening when he knew I was coming from 3 hours' away. I asked him why he could not have made plans for another night and made an effort to spend time with a friend making the effort to travel to see him.

    Then he told me that the party was really important as he was struggling to make friends over there. I understand that, but still.

    Then he started to do the whole, look I won't go then, forget it, you come.

    He then offered to reimbourse me half of my transport fee and that I'd come 'another time'. I was really hurt; I felt like he didn't care that much about seeing me.

    If he'd something urgent or he was sick then yes ok, but it's for a party, and I'm sure at a students' party they're not exactly going to flip if he brings along a friend who had already planned to visit; it's not an exclusive dinner party.

    Anyway I ended up caving in and saying I would come and leave early before the party etc. And he was mad at me so saying no what's the point of coming just for that ,come next month or in January, I don't want to see you anyway when we're arguing etc.

    Am I being unreasonable? I understand about his desire to go to the party but still. I'm so hurt; he knows I'd paid, we'd planned for a couple of weeks and I'd been looking forward to it.

    Should I bother suggesting another date or just leave it? Thanks
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    Sounds like he isn't making much of an effort/doesn't really seem bothered. Like if I'm travelling 3 hours, I'm not planning on leaving the same day - that itself is a lot of effort. I would say just don't bother going for someone who does not seem to care as much as you do.
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    he should have accepted his party invitation on condition you could come as well. he is at fault here not you.
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    Just so you know if I knew you were passing by my place I would have declined the party invite :cool:
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Thanks for the replies... Yeah I'm just disappointed Was going to travel 6h and spend money to see a 'friend' who doesn't care...
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    He sounds thoughtless and selfish. The fact you were willing to travel all that distance to visit him and he feels attending a party is more important to him. He has plenty of time to get to know and make friends with people. What about him focusing on the friend he already has, who has put in a lot of effort and expense to see him?
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So I have a friend who lives about 3 hours' drive from me, or 220 miles. I don't drive so I need to get there by public transport; the cheapest being about £50 return.

    Anyway, we've been trying to plan to meet for a while but my friend was busy all of October, and we agreed finally on this weekend, the 11th. This was agreed about 2 weeks ago.

    I'm female and he's male btw. We last saw each other 4 months ago, and before that 9 months, so we don't see each other a lot, but talk most days online.

    I would have liked to stay a weekend but he told me he had no room at all in his student accommodation room. I'd have booked a hotel but I'm doing an internship and earn peanuts so the £50 is already eating into my budget.

    Anyway, I told him I'd be arriving at 12:30 on the Saturday. Bearing in mind I'll be doing 6 hours' round trip in one day, I wanted to stay the whole day, i.e. leave very late at night, as I didn't see the point of doing 6 hours to stay for a few hours. Plus, we hardly see each other as I mentioned and it would seem a shame not to stay longer.

    Anyway, he asked me when i'd be leaving and I told him I hadn't booked my return, but that there were trains hourly so that i'd hop on any.

    He messaged me last night saying "Sorry but Saturday night I've been invited to a housewarming party by my coursemate." "I'd ask for you to come but I don't really know her that well so I can't."

    My first response was that if I'd known he had plans I would have come another weekend. After that, he told me she'd only invited him that day.

    I was then wondering why he had accepted to do something the evening when he knew I was coming from 3 hours' away. I asked him why he could not have made plans for another night and made an effort to spend time with a friend making the effort to travel to see him.

    Then he told me that the party was really important as he was struggling to make friends over there. I understand that, but still.

    Then he started to do the whole, look I won't go then, forget it, you come.

    He then offered to reimbourse me half of my transport fee and that I'd come 'another time'. I was really hurt; I felt like he didn't care that much about seeing me.

    If he'd something urgent or he was sick then yes ok, but it's for a party, and I'm sure at a students' party they're not exactly going to flip if he brings along a friend who had already planned to visit; it's not an exclusive dinner party.

    Anyway I ended up caving in and saying I would come and leave early before the party etc. And he was mad at me so saying no what's the point of coming just for that ,come next month or in January, I don't want to see you anyway when we're arguing etc.

    Am I being unreasonable? I understand about his desire to go to the party but still. I'm so hurt; he knows I'd paid, we'd planned for a couple of weeks and I'd been looking forward to it.

    Should I bother suggesting another date or just leave it? Thanks
    He is in the wrong. He is making no effort or taking into consideration the things you've given up i.e money and time. As you say what's the point of doing a 6 hour round trip for a few hours?

    I had lived in student accommodation and there's always some space, even if that be the floor for someone to stay, otherwise hook ups wouldnt happen....

    I would be mega pissed if my friend did that to me and would asked to be reimbursed, especially given your financial situation.

    Not cool at all
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    You're definitely not in the wrong. You don't ruin arranged plans with other people just because something else comes up short notice. Understandable if it's mega important or an emergency, but it's literally just a party.
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    • Thread Starter
    #1

    thanks a lot for the replies I'm glad to know I wasn't overreacting
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    Unless the story is missing something then he is in the wrong and not you. The whole point or arranging something in advance is to make sure you have a clear day planned out. It is clear why the party is important but you can't keep a friend if you put in no effort. That's just selfish and poor etiquette.
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    He's clearly in the wrong. Howveer is there any chance he's really struggling with uni and therefore just desparate? If so it might be worth cutting him some slack and supporting him. He was an ******* though, like people sleep on the floor of student rooms all the time, especially after a party it would be fine for you to stay over even in small rooms and if you get invited to a party even if you don't know them it's not unreasonable to just say 'I have a friend coming but I'd love to come do you have space for one more?'. They can say no but student parties tend to be a more-the-merrier type deal.
 
 
 
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