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Muslim parents refuse to let me move away for uni Watch

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    (Original post by SophieSmall)
    Um...nah. I don't live off either of my parent's money. I've lived independently from parental finances for nearly 5 years now.

    As for telling the OP she is stupid to want to gain independence....have you even read any of her comments? She's literally said she is scared her parents will physically stop her for going against them. They have also threatened to stop talking her, which basically means disowning her.

    If you're honestly saying she is stupid for wanting to get away from a toxic home situation like that...then wow. Your morals are questionable.
    Okay I should probably rephrase what I said before because obviously she isn't stupid for wanting to escape a toxic home life; however, I still believe that it's silly to risk being permanently cut off from your family just so you can experience "freedom" for three years.
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    (Original post by laitankoko)
    Okay I should probably rephrase what I said before because obviously she isn't stupid for wanting to escape a toxic home life; however, I still believe that it's silly to risk being permanently cut off from your family just so you can experience "freedom" for three years.
    Once her parents learn of what her intentions are, they won't disown her. It it extremely rare that they do that because afterall, she is their daughter and you don't cut connections just because your child wants to do their own thing.
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    (Original post by y.u.mad.bro?)
    No it isnt.
    Oh, just curious because 3 of the top 10 are in my general region
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    (Original post by HistoryWhiz6)
    Oh, just curious because 3 of the top 10 are in my general region
    I live in the South. Won't tell where cuz privacy but it is in/close to London
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    (Original post by y.u.mad.bro?)
    I live in the South. Won't tell where cuz privacy but it is in/close to London
    Oh, close to me. I go to a 'top' grammar school too. Call me crazy but i enjoy it
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    (Original post by justanotherchica)
    My parents have been controlling my life so much that they're stopping me from make use of opportunities because I'm a girl... and I can't live alone and I can't travel more than 48 miles, and t and they force me to wear a scarf.

    I sent off my UCAS application today and all the unis I've applied to are out of London because i'm so dissatisfied with my life right now and I want to have my own independence and not be subjected to their ridiculous rules. I've tried talking to them about it but they refuse to let me leave and I've tried to persuade them so many times but they won't budge at all.

    I'm definitely leaving but idk how, what if they try to physically stop me? what if I run out of money? What if they never let me come back? What if they don't ever talk to me again? and they have threatened some of the above..
    A bit late but still accurate I think. As a great man told me couple of years ago back home '' you maybe absolutely correct or absolutely wrong with your decision but if it is what you want then do it so you can find peace in your heart''. I would suggest you deal with your parents as I deal with mine. Keep in mind that : (a) 99% they love you and want you to succeed BUT (b) they dont have any idea about how it should be done . Start taking their advice and think on it as you would think on the words of a random person. Good luck!
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    ask yourself why you want to move away, if it's for purely for the uni experience you will be disappointed
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    (Original post by justanotherchica)
    My parents have been controlling my life so much that they're stopping me from make use of opportunities because I'm a girl... and I can't live alone and I can't travel more than 48 miles, and t and they force me to wear a scarf.

    I sent off my UCAS application today and all the unis I've applied to are out of London because i'm so dissatisfied with my life right now and I want to have my own independence and not be subjected to their ridiculous rules. I've tried talking to them about it but they refuse to let me leave and I've tried to persuade them so many times but they won't budge at all.

    I'm definitely leaving but idk how, what if they try to physically stop me? what if I run out of money? What if they never let me come back? What if they don't ever talk to me again? and they have threatened some of the above..
    That's deep. What I recommend is making them an offer. So if they support you through this, you'll do something in return. If you prove to be comfortable with University and come out with a degree with their support, you'll do something in return.
    My idea is this, and it's a long shot. Say if they support you through University, you'll allow them to choose who you marry at the end of the day (you can add exceptions to this). Now why I'm saying this is, is because this is usually the worry for Muslim Parents that oh, my daughter is going to be going out to University for half her day where everyone is quite mature, rape is common but not commonly reported, and women usually find getting into relationships much much easier there. So I mean making this statement says to them ' so my daughters gonna go get a degree and be married to our choice, we still have that control over our daughter '. Might work.

    But you should know, they fear for you. Freedom might not be what mankind needed. Living according to a set of rules might just be whats best. But the Lord knows.. All I say is I hope whichever direction you step in, is upon ground.
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    this is a bad what i am proposing is a worst case last dich nuclear option

    First pack a case when Mum and Dad are out or asleep. now hide i under your bed or somewhere that mum and dad won't find it now continue as
    normal until move in day but a train ticket to the nearest station
    (make shore you get the earliest train you can) leave a note saying i
    have gone to uni don't say where you have gone as they may drive down and try to bring you home. Now they may call you and make threats or guilt you in to coming home do not give in to this even if they threaten
    suicide it's an empty threat. get a second sim card or phone and keep that in your phone most of the time this will stop them hassling you
    too much remember to call everyday they may be annoyed at first but in the end, they will come round in the end.

    before this you could try just saying that you did not get accepted in to any London unis.
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    If you listen to a person who isn't even sure how to spell the term "sure"..
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    (Original post by Urgently)
    If you listen to a person who isn't even sure how to spell the term "sure"..
    i dislexic you ****
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    (Original post by justanotherchica)
    My parents have been controlling my life so much that they're stopping me from make use of opportunities because I'm a girl... and I can't live alone and I can't travel more than 48 miles, and t and they force me to wear a scarf.

    I sent off my UCAS application today and all the unis I've applied to are out of London because i'm so dissatisfied with my life right now and I want to have my own independence and not be subjected to their ridiculous rules. I've tried talking to them about it but they refuse to let me leave and I've tried to persuade them so many times but they won't budge at all.

    I'm definitely leaving but idk how, what if they try to physically stop me? what if I run out of money? What if they never let me come back? What if they don't ever talk to me again? and they have threatened some of the above..
    There are probably a few things that make them not want you to go one of those is cultural of course if our the first girl in your imitate family to be brought up in the UK it's likely that your mother didn't leave home until she was married and they expect you to do the same.

    The second is they worry about your safety as a girl on your own this one is easy just tell them you can request to live with all girls this should allay a lot of their fears particularly about you leaving Islam. (which i assume is the base fear for them). explain all this to them tell them you don't plan on drinking and other things. if they still say no well there i the nuclear option:

    Spoiler:
    Show

    This is the nuclear option.

    All you really need to take to uni is clothes your phone and personal effects anything else you can buy down there.

    1/Go to town and buy yourself a big case and leave it in left luggage at the station or at a trusted friends house.

    2/Get a pay as you go sim card These are usually free and put some credit on it.

    3/ Do all your UCAS stuff on your phone or at collage or school or just somewhere where your parents and family aren't.

    4/ Carry on as if nothing is going on.

    5/As move in day approaches move clothes and things you want to take slowly into your case allow 5 weeks for this although it should only take 3 it's best to have some leeway.

    6/Write a letter explaining to your parents what you have done and why you feel it benefits both you and them.

    7/When you get to university give them a ring on the new sim card telling them that your OK and when you'll be back, at this point they will make a last ditch attempt to make you stay or come home. This may include but is not limited to:

    Threats against you.
    Threats to harm or kill themselves.
    Threats to cut you off.
    Bribes either money goods or freedoms.
    these are all lies and just ways to try and control you don't fall for this and tell them you understand why they're up set the threats against you should be reported to the halls staff who will be able to help should your parents go too far and try to carry it out by no means tell them where you are just say uni.

    8/ then go and buy what ever you need food sauce pans and things like that.

    This is a final lat last ;last resort if nothing else works good luck.

    Enjoy uni


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    (Original post by justanotherchica)
    My parents have been controlling my life so much that they're stopping me from make use of opportunities because I'm a girl... and I can't live alone and I can't travel more than 48 miles, and t and they force me to wear a scarf.

    I sent off my UCAS application today and all the unis I've applied to are out of London because i'm so dissatisfied with my life right now and I want to have my own independence and not be subjected to their ridiculous rules. I've tried talking to them about it but they refuse to let me leave and I've tried to persuade them so many times but they won't budge at all.

    I'm definitely leaving but idk how, what if they try to physically stop me? what if I run out of money? What if they never let me come back? What if they don't ever talk to me again? and they have threatened some of the above..
    Hey,

    Just wanted to let you know that I relate so much to this. But in the end, you have to move out and support yourself, so I believe you made the right decision with their choices. It’s what I’ve done as well.
    My advice is that you give them an ultimatum. They can’t physically stop you, but if they disown you or refuse to support you, then block them from your lives. Get a job and make it on your own. I’m not saying it won’t be hard, but it’ll be worth it to gain your own identity and independence.
    I feel for you, and I hope things go well x
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    (Original post by justanotherchica)
    My parents have been controlling my life so much that they're stopping me from make use of opportunities because I'm a girl... and I can't live alone and I can't travel more than 48 miles, and t and they force me to wear a scarf.

    I sent off my UCAS application today and all the unis I've applied to are out of London because i'm so dissatisfied with my life right now and I want to have my own independence and not be subjected to their ridiculous rules. I've tried talking to them about it but they refuse to let me leave and I've tried to persuade them so many times but they won't budge at all.

    I'm definitely leaving but idk how, what if they try to physically stop me? what if I run out of money? What if they never let me come back? What if they don't ever talk to me again? and they have threatened some of the above..
    Obviously I don't know your parents but most parents want what is best for their children so I am sure it's coming from a place of love. If you try the talking route (which is entirely your call as only you know them well enough to know if it will work) then you should try and alleviate some of their worries around a muslim girl moving away from home for university. You said they want you to do "what other muslim girls do" so you should try and find statistics or evidence that there are other muslim girls at the universities you want to go to. Many universities have societies geared towards this sort of thing, whether it be an Islamic society or more based on ethnic origin. You could show them these societies and point out that you will join them and therefore be surrounded by likeminded people and other muslim girls. You may also want to find out if the universities have alcohol-free accommodation (many do) and single-sex accommodation, which they may like the sound of. Also, besides these things, you should give them detailed reasons why you want to go to these specific universities, for example, their connections with employers, specific academics that are highly rated in their fields, high employment rates after graduation, opportunities for a year in industry, other societies (such as charitable or career-focussed ones), specialised modules, or even aspects of the towns/cities you want to move to like a specific mosque, good train links to home, low crime rate, etc. You need to explain why universities in London don't offer you these things. Don't just tell them that you want to move away for the sake of moving away because this will upset them and make them less likely to think rationally.

    With regards to the financial side of things, if the worst case scenario happens and they do disown you then you should definitely speak to someone either at the student loans company or your university. I'm pretty sure you can apply for a student loan as "estranged" from your parents but you'll have to look into the conditions for this. Also, I know most universities provide bursaries or grants for people in difficult financial situations - they're usually called "hardship grants" or something similar. I know my university has given £3000 to someone I know because they were struggling (more than they actually needed to get by).

    I really do hope everything works out for you.
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    (Original post by justanotherchica)
    My parents have been controlling my life so much that they're stopping me from make use of opportunities because I'm a girl... and I can't live alone and I can't travel more than 48 miles, and t and they force me to wear a scarf.

    I sent off my UCAS application today and all the unis I've applied to are out of London because i'm so dissatisfied with my life right now and I want to have my own independence and not be subjected to their ridiculous rules. I've tried talking to them about it but they refuse to let me leave and I've tried to persuade them so many times but they won't budge at all.

    I'm definitely leaving but idk how, what if they try to physically stop me? what if I run out of money? What if they never let me come back? What if they don't ever talk to me again? and they have threatened some of the above..
    Hi,

    Is it simple really do your parents want to do be the best anything you put your mind too? Do they want you to have a great education and better job opportunities? Do they want you to end up with what they have or more in life?

    I have always been told make a life for yourself by my mum and dads (bio and step). Sit down and discuss, actually make a plan and have images to show them. Show that you're serious it will happen either way, with their blessing or not.

    then let them think about it, ask them to come on visits with you. University is an experience for all of you, trust me.

    Good luck
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    Oh dear, I am sad for you that you are having to have this battle with your parents!

    I do not agree with some of the comments on this thread that your parents do not care for your happiness. I think they care too much about your happiness, and are caring in the wrong way. You see they have a vision of a good future for you, but it is not matching up with your vision of a good future for yourself. Please don't worry, this happens in all families regardless of creed or religion...but if you decide to move away for university it is going to be difficult, but it will be the best choice you will have made for the following reasons:

    1) Going on the assumption that your parents will not support you I would suggest finding a job. This is a pain when you want to devote yourself to study but the upside is you will grow up a lot faster than your counterparts without jobs, and will be at an advantage when you graduate as you will have practical experience to add to your CV. You should also qualify for the higher bands of funding and grants since they will not means test your parents.
    My parents couldn't afford to give me a penny towards study so I worked, and I was one of the first graduates to secure a full time job after uni because I had practical experience.

    2) Moving away from home changes everyone for the better. It is NOT immature to want to move away from home, this is the main reason a lot of people go to university! Yes, you will miss your parents, you will miss the familiarity of your neighborhood. But the great thing about the human spirit is that it adapts incredibly quickly.
    Things will go wrong, and you will have a chance to correct them, and sometimes you may have fun doing so. This is how everyone learns about the potential pitfalls in life and I would prefer to go through 'street schooling' whilst I am young rather than when I am older and trying to raise a family. It is no fun being a naive 30 year old!

    3) Follow your dreams, make amends later if you can. A friend of mine was in your exact situation. Her parents kicked her out of the house when she enrolled at university, and did not speak to her for the entirety of her studies because they just wanted her to get married and that be that. She did her degree without their support, was very successful and even went on to do her masters degree. Meanwhile she spoke with her local Imam who spoke to her parents on her behalf, since then it has all been fine and she has been welcomed back home...perhaps once they see that you are happy and you are doing okay then their own fears will be quelled.

    4) The big 'WHAT IF??' --- try not to have too many of those. If you have a strong desire to go to university now it is likely it will never leave you. I have spoken to too many older people who's one regret is not going to university to follow their passion. Be it their it be parents who stopped them, or lack of self confidence, unexpected pregnancies, money trouble...whatever...don't look back 30 years from now and wonder what life could have been like....go find out! and if it all does fail (which is unlikely!) then you can rest easy knowing you tried!

    I know it must be tough for you, and you must feel that your parents are trying to deliberately hold you back. But please bear in mind that their actions may be mis-placed but it is coming from a place of love.

    Good luck to you x
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    (Original post by justanotherchica)
    My parents have been controlling my life so much that they're stopping me from make use of opportunities because I'm a girl... and I can't live alone and I can't travel more than 48 miles, and t and they force me to wear a scarf.

    I sent off my UCAS application today and all the unis I've applied to are out of London because i'm so dissatisfied with my life right now and I want to have my own independence and not be subjected to their ridiculous rules. I've tried talking to them about it but they refuse to let me leave and I've tried to persuade them so many times but they won't budge at all.

    I'm definitely leaving but idk how, what if they try to physically stop me? what if I run out of money? What if they never let me come back? What if they don't ever talk to me again? and they have threatened some of the above..
    Ha ha
 
 
 
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