Comparing myself to other girls he fancies, low self esteem :(

Anon because a few people I know use this site and I dont want to know I feel like this.

I've always had very low self esteem and I have quite bad body image issues too. I've been treated for anorexia in the past but with therapy I've managed to get over this and I'm now a normal weight (about 8 and a half stone).

I love my boyfriend, but sometimes I feel really bad about myself whenever I hear him call other girls 'hot', even if they're celebrities he has no chance leaving me for. Its so silly but he has loads of posters of girls like Jessica Alba on the walls of his room and I feel so inadequate in comparison. Even when he watches porn or looks at pics of Page 3 girls, I feel a bit upset coz in my mind they're so much more attractive than me. I know its stupid to think like this but I cant seem to stop it.

He went on a uni social with some of the girls from the uni sports team and when his friends said jokingly they were lesbians, he said that some of them were actually 'quite hot' which made me feel a bit crap - coz again, in my mind I start wondering if he thinks theyre hotter than me. I just wish I could get over thinking like this and be happy in myself :frown:

Does anyone else feel like this, or have any advice?

Reply 1

NoQualms

Trust me unless your bf is a prick...him saying other girls are hot doesn't mean much-it means he's comfy saying it to you as maybe he thinks you realise how attracted he is to you.

Sometimes i get like you do-my bf's dream woman is tyra banks! i'm not quite as good looking-haha.

I think if it's getting you down, you need to tell him that you don't like it when he talks about other girls-tbh try and not let the celebrity thing/porn/page 3 girls get to you...they are only fantasy-you're the girl he's with!

Reply 2

RoisinSinead

This may not be the most helpful or exhaustive advice in the world, but it has been said that to a man there are two types of women; those he'd like to sleep with and those he'd want to go out with/marry/generally be with etc. Calling a girl 'hot' suggests the first. (I'm not insinuating he would or anything, but you know what I mean.) He wouldn't be going out with you if he didn't genuinely 'prefer' you, or however you want to put it, to other girls. I know it's silly to say don't worry, because most people have insecurities like that. But you shouldn't let it take over when there's no reason to be worried.
(:

Reply 3

Anonymous.

Am I the only one that thinks it is wrong?
First of all does he know how he is making you feel?
I think you both need to talk to eachother regarding this, especially when you have a low self esteem.
He shouldnt be saying those thing in the first place if it is hurting you.
Talk to him and explain.
:hugs:

Reply 4

yonanz

Anon

don worry alrights. first thing, we tend to misconstrue and misintepret things around us. just saying another girl is hot doesnt mean more than just shes good looking, which is just a harmless opinion. any intepretation beyond this point, such as "those he'd like to sleep with", are just speculative, so dont delve into that. even if he doesnt say it out aloud, it will still not change his opinion and thoughts deep down. hes still gona think that the girls is hot, wihout saying it.

"there's a difference to who a guy thinks is hot and who he actually wants to be with."
msb nails it. theres tons of hot people in the world around us.if everyone were to leave his/her partner for the next hot girl/guy, then this world would be a mess. its perfectly normal to find another girl hot, its intuitive for a guy to notice and comment on a good looking girl. but i will hesitate to equip this with love or anything like that.

the only issue might be that it makes you uncomfortable. so i might suggest that perhaps you talk to him about it.

Reply 5

Envy Mee

Fantasy and reality are totally different.

If it really bothers you enought to get upset and down about it, talk to him about it. If he gets agressive and thinks he should be able to do all that stuff, the he's obviously not worth being with.

Chances are he'll take it on the chin and accept that you don't like that kind of thing, so he'll keep smut about it.

Best thing to do it communicate, no one can read someone else's mind.

Reply 6

Phantom Phoenix

RoisinSinead

Yes, buuuuuut...that does imply that men don't want to marry hot women. :p:

I completely understand why you're upset, OP, as my boyfriend occasionally does the same thing and it always makes me feel a bit crap - however, the important thing is to remember that he's with you for your looks AND your personality, and the people he calls hot are merely 'eye candy'. They're not important to him and never will be. You're important to him and you're the person he's chosen to be with. Look at it this way; there will always be someone better-looking than you, no matter how beautiful you are...but he picked you. Your appearance in comparison to others actually doesn't matter, because he loves your looks in conjunction with your personality and no one else in the world can give him exactly what you do. So when he's remarking on the appearance of other women, just bear in mind that he loves you and try to be secure in that.

Or you could do what I did and eventually get cross with your boyfriend for doing it so he realises you don't like it and (mostly) stops. Your call. :p:

Reply 7

blackfish

i generally agree with most of the people here, a bloke can say wow, shes fit/hot etc etc etc and all it means is he thinks that person is good looking. what you need to remember as others have suggested is that he is with you for who you are :smile:

if it makes you feel a bit rubbish then talk to him about it, if he is a decent guy then there should be no problem :smile:

I reckon he loves ya to bits :smile:

blackfish

Reply 8

Becksy

Im sorry you are feeling this way, I think everyone has problems with self esteem at one point in their life.

Don't compare yourself with movie stars like Jessica Alba, all it will do is make you miserable and bitter.

Also your bf is with you, so obviously he finds you attractive.

Reply 9

Becksy

Another thing....is that your bf should not being saying in front of you that other girls are hot. I think it is dangerous for you to rely on your bf for happiness and contentness,.

Reply 10

Rouge

RoisinSinead

why is that so, it annoys me so much when people say this, when blatanty the reason most guys don't go out with jessica alba look alikes etc is because they have no chance in hell of getting them. Trust me, most guys just go for the best looking girl they can get, but they settle, and most have to as not every guy can be the most desirable guy and get the hottest girl.

also, i think its pretty inconsiderate of the bf to tell you about other girls he genuinely finds hot knowing that it offends you.

Reply 11

Phantom Phoenix

Rouge

He doesn't know it offends her, she makes no mention of having told him that. I agree that it makes some people feel bad, but if he doesn't know, she'll have to tell him or put up with it.

Also, this is only one example, but my boyfriend had an attractive girl chasing him at the same time as we were sort of stepping around the idea of going out. She was much prettier than me, dressed much better etc but he wanted me instead because of my personality. Some guys actually care about personality, amazingly enough, rather than just getting the hottest piece of ivory skull they can. I really think it's tremendously unfair to generalise like that.

Reply 12

Hedger

I don't see anything wrong with calling girls or lads 'hot', etc. around your gf or bf or whatever. I just think, whoevers saying it, needs to realise if its doing any effect on their significant other. Like in the case of you, you're clearly a bit upset about it, so all I can tell you is a few things, until he realises your nto to comfortable with it(I'd suggest either play him at his own game and compare his abs to the 300 cast :wink:

), you just gotta' remember: He'll never get Jess Alba. He'll never get Sienna Miller or a tonne of other very attractive girls. All he's got is you... and the fact he hasn't left you and isn't comparing you to them is a good thing. So until he compares your breasts to some Page 3 Slagette, you've got no reason to punch him. :smile:

...plus, i'm sure you'd rather know of his desires though, no? I mean, honesty is a good thing. If he told you Jess Alba wasn't hot when you watched 'Into the Blue'... he'd be definately lieing. And for the record: Girls posters are so high school... jesus.

Reply 13

andinalghifari

I got low self esteem too, im a man and my gf like kpop so much. Whenever she said

Reply 14

Taycar66

It's totally rude for him to be calling other women hot! How would he feel if you did the same? It's just common manners not to do that! He's should concentrate on making YOU feel special & like the most beautiful woman he's ever seen!