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What is my ex's true intentions? Watch

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    So about a couple months ago, my ex bf from about two years ago messaged me out of the blue an apology message for everything that he's said and done to me during our time together. Mind you it took him a year and half to even feel remorseful enough to reach out to me and apologize for hurting me so badly when we broke up.

    At the end of our relationship it didn't end very well. He claimed the reason why we should break up is because he was planning on going overseas for a couple months for work, and didn't want to "hurt me" or feel any kind of guilt in case he was tempted. I was so hurt by this, and even insisted that I was willing to wait those months for him. I truly loved this guy despite how he treated me at times. In the end he ended up not moving oversea at all which I felt was a sad excuse for breaking up with me, if he was even actually planning to move overseas at all.

    Now fast forward to my current situation.

    For a long time I blocked my ex (about 6 months) and after some time I finally unblocked him after my feelings for him were dead. I don't hate people forever, and learned to forgive my ex for the things he has said and done to me even know deep in my heart I knew he would never have it in his heart to apologize to me for hurting/using me in our relationship.

    I initially took his apology text lightly considering he had tried to reach out to me before to see "how I was doing" out of boredom/convenience for him. To me it didn't seem genuine. He moves on fast with women, so just texting an ex you ended things on bad terms with because he felt nice didn't seem like a plausible thing for him to do. Plus I was once harassed by a girl he was seeing over text and that made me lower my view on him even more.

    He said something along lines of "Hey I was doing a lot of deep thinking and I don't know if you are even going to take the time to respond back to this, but I just wanted to take time to apologize for what I have done to you when we were together. I realized that my apology is very late, and I apologize it took me so long. I also realized the way I treated you was no way to treat anyone. I hope you're doing well". We ended up speaking on the phone for an hour to discuss more about things, and long story short we are currently TRYING to be friends again despite our history.

    It's important I mention, I met up with my ex once after we started being "friends" again since he invited me out to dinner and catch up after so many years of not properly talking. Despite all the time apart, when we met up it was as if nothing changed between us. He did change his attitude towards me completely and acted very nice and cordial. During that time we hung out he tried to lowkey mention to me he had a new gf now. I feel like it didn't seem appropriate to even bring up personal stuff like that to an ex after not seeing me for many years and seeing that we are trying to be civil towards each other. I kept my cool and shrugged it off, but felt a bit bothered by it because I never mention my personal life or who I'm seeing now to him. It's better to not even mention new relationship stuff to avoid sparking jealousy or unsettled feelings in person.

    Even so now, he tends to bring up his gf more into conversation that I feel aren't necessary to even include. It's like he knows how strongly I felt about him in the past and throwing subtle gf jabs at me makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. I may not have strong feelings for him anymore, but talking about a new relationship to any ex is going to be uncomfortable.

    My question to you is...

    Based on what I've shared so far what do you think is my ex's real motive behind wanting to re-connect with me/ be "friends" again despite us having a rocky end, and clearly seems like he is "happier" with his current gf since he mentions her a lot to me, even though I don't ask about her at all? Nor do I care too know anything having to do with her.

    Also.. is he he giving off the "just friends" vibe or are his intentions darker than that?

    (I don't ever expect that my ex and I would ever get back together, but I don't really understand why someone who seems completely happy and moved on with someone else needs to talk to an ex about it or continue to drag along an ex gf and try and be close friends with her)

    Take into consideration that my ex and I:

    • Have not kept close contact in about a year and half until he reached out and apologized to me. We exchanged a few small convos here and there prior, but not to the extent of messaging more frequently like we do now.
    • My ex is naturally not a loving/warm or shows much romantic feelings or emotions to gfs/people in general
    • Has had other short term relationships after breaking off with me, and has no problem moving on or cutting off relationships if it's deemed necessary for him.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So about a couple months ago, my ex bf from about two years ago messaged me out of the blue an apology message for everything that he's said and done to me during our time together. Mind you it took him a year and half to even feel remorseful enough to reach out to me and apologize for hurting me so badly when we broke up.

    At the end of our relationship it didn't end very well. He claimed the reason why we should break up is because he was planning on going overseas for a couple months for work, and didn't want to "hurt me" or feel any kind of guilt in case he was tempted. I was so hurt by this, and even insisted that I was willing to wait those months for him. I truly loved this guy despite how he treated me at times. In the end he ended up not moving oversea at all which I felt was a sad excuse for breaking up with me, if he was even actually planning to move overseas at all.

    Now fast forward to my current situation.

    For a long time I blocked my ex (about 6 months) and after some time I finally unblocked him after my feelings for him were dead. I don't hate people forever, and learned to forgive my ex for the things he has said and done to me even know deep in my heart I knew he would never have it in his heart to apologize to me for hurting/using me in our relationship.

    I initially took his apology text lightly considering he had tried to reach out to me before to see "how I was doing" out of boredom/convenience for him. To me it didn't seem genuine. He moves on fast with women, so just texting an ex you ended things on bad terms with because he felt nice didn't seem like a plausible thing for him to do. Plus I was once harassed by a girl he was seeing over text and that made me lower my view on him even more.

    He said something along lines of "Hey I was doing a lot of deep thinking and I don't know if you are even going to take the time to respond back to this, but I just wanted to take time to apologize for what I have done to you when we were together. I realized that my apology is very late, and I apologize it took me so long. I also realized the way I treated you was no way to treat anyone. I hope you're doing well". We ended up speaking on the phone for an hour to discuss more about things, and long story short we are currently TRYING to be friends again despite our history.

    It's important I mention, I met up with my ex once after we started being "friends" again since he invited me out to dinner and catch up after so many years of not properly talking. Despite all the time apart, when we met up it was as if nothing changed between us. He did change his attitude towards me completely and acted very nice and cordial. During that time we hung out he tried to lowkey mention to me he had a new gf now. I feel like it didn't seem appropriate to even bring up personal stuff like that to an ex after not seeing me for many years and seeing that we are trying to be civil towards each other. I kept my cool and shrugged it off, but felt a bit bothered by it because I never mention my personal life or who I'm seeing now to him. It's better to not even mention new relationship stuff to avoid sparking jealousy or unsettled feelings in person.

    Even so now, he tends to bring up his gf more into conversation that I feel aren't necessary to even include. It's like he knows how strongly I felt about him in the past and throwing subtle gf jabs at me makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. I may not have strong feelings for him anymore, but talking about a new relationship to any ex is going to be uncomfortable.

    My question to you is...

    Based on what I've shared so far what do you think is my ex's real motive behind wanting to re-connect with me/ be "friends" again despite us having a rocky end, and clearly seems like he is "happier" with his current gf since he mentions her a lot to me, even though I don't ask about her at all? Nor do I care too know anything having to do with her.

    Also.. is he he giving off the "just friends" vibe or are his intentions darker than that?

    (I don't ever expect that my ex and I would ever get back together, but I don't really understand why someone who seems completely happy and moved on with someone else needs to talk to an ex about it or continue to drag along an ex gf and try and be close friends with her)

    Take into consideration that my ex and I:

    • Have not kept close contact in about a year and half until he reached out and apologized to me. We exchanged a few small convos here and there prior, but not to the extent of messaging more frequently like we do now.
    • My ex is naturally not a loving/warm or shows much romantic feelings or emotions to gfs/people in general
    • Has had other short term relationships after breaking off with me, and has no problem moving on or cutting off relationships if it's deemed necessary for him.
    TL;DR:

    OP was ditched by bf two years previously after he made an excuse about working overseas. No contact.
    Ex contacted OP two months ago and apologised for his behaviour. They have tried to be platonic friends. Ex has had several gf's in the interim.
    OP still has feelings and is trying to make sense to why ex still wants to be friends.

    OP:

    My take on this is that people commit to a long term relationship at different times, your ex was not ready to commit his whole future when you were together.

    He may still have some feelings and is sounding you out. On the other hand he may just be someone who cannot let go of the past.

    Although you have history together, it's not wise to open up old wounds, they have a habit of turning sceptic. Charm and nostalgia are easy to turn on for a while, but old behaviours will surface as soon as he feels comfortable enough to let his guard down. You will do the same.

    If you are happy to have him as a friend, why not suggest you get together with other mutual friends as a group and invite his current gf too?That really is the only way things will move forwards because it's all in the open, no secrets and you will know he is not hiding your contact with him from others.

    But if you are harbouring thoughts of getting back together, then you need to be prepared to be hurt again, because he may just want to keep you as a doormat under his slippers, which he wears whenever he feels the need.
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      This guy is seriously not good for you. He has hurt you once so what is stopping him from hurting you again?

      The fact that he is bringing up his new gf with you suggests he may want you to feel even more hurt or jealous

      However, just because he talks about his gf with you all the time does not mean he is in a happy relationship and has moved on from you.
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      (Original post by uberteknik)
      TL;DR:

      OP was ditched by bf two years previously after he made an excuse about working overseas. No contact.
      Ex contacted OP two months ago and apologised for his behaviour. They have tried to be platonic friends. Ex has had several gf's in the interim.
      OP still has feelings and is trying to make sense to why ex still wants to be friends.

      OP:

      My take on this is that people commit to a long term relationship at different times, your ex was not ready to commit his whole future when you were together.

      He may still have some feelings and is sounding you out. On the other hand he may just be someone who cannot let go of the past.

      Although you have history together, it's not wise to open up old wounds, they have a habit of turning sceptic. Charm and nostalgia are easy to turn on for a while, but old behaviours will surface as soon as he feels comfortable enough to let his guard down. You will do the same.

      If you are happy to have him as a friend, why not suggest you get together with other mutual friends as a group and invite his current gf too?That really is the only way things will move forwards because it's all in the open, no secrets and you will know he is not hiding your contact with him from others.

      But if you are harbouring thoughts of getting back together, then you need to be prepared to be hurt again, because he may just want to keep you as a doormat under his slippers, which he wears whenever he feels the need.
      I don't plan to get back with him even if things fizzled out with his current gf and by some weird force he's wanting to re-spark things between us or "start over". I don't intend to be booty call either for him if the opportunity arises. I am open to being his friend and just being on neutral terms with him, but I feel like there's a bit of him that lowkey wants to make me feel jealous that's he happier. If he truly is happier and moved onto his new gf there is no reason to run to your ex from years ago to tell her that he's so happy. That's why I feel like something is a bit off about his intentions of being my friend.

      It's not really me who is wanting to be friends. After we broke up I gave him space and tried to move on with my life. Although I went through a lot of physical and emotional pain getting over him I did this all myself without running back to him once. So if anything it seems like he needs me more than I need him if he came back crawling to me years later, and try to keep around to "get away from his gf".

      In terms of hanging out in a group setting with his current gf I am honestly against that idea. His new relationship is not any of my business and I don't intend being bffs with his gf from it. If anything it would create a weird void between my ex / his gf/ and me as his ex and throwing in other people who don't have any emotional connection with each other. Also I don't know what kind of person his current ex is. If she's anything like the kind of women he's dated or I've met before, I don't believe he dates a lot of mature and non-clingy women. From my experience meeting an ex gf and me once being in the gf shoes, I was harassed and given a very cold and passive aggressive attitude even though I tried my best to be polite and neutral towards his past ex and him. Whether or not he's told his current gf about him reaching out to me again and she's cool about it, that's out of my control. I'm not going to go out my way to introduce myself to his gf if my ex is choosing to be shady about it. I can honestly say there are no romantic feelings behind anything I talk to with my ex now, but if my ex is thinking otherwise that's on him and not me.
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      (Original post by indoshoujo)
      I don't plan to get back with him even if things fizzled out with his current gf and by some weird force he's wanting to re-spark things between us or "start over". I don't intend to be booty call either for him if the opportunity arises. I am open to being his friend and just being on neutral terms with him, but I feel like there's a bit of him that lowkey wants to make me feel jealous that's he happier. If he truly is happier and moved onto his new gf there is no reason to run to your ex from years ago to tell her that he's so happy. That's why I feel like something is a bit off about his intentions of being my friend.

      It's not really me who is wanting to be friends. After we broke up I gave him space and tried to move on with my life. Although I went through a lot of physical and emotional pain getting over him I did this all myself without running back to him once. So if anything it seems like he needs me more than I need him if he came back crawling to me years later, and try to keep around to "get away from his gf".

      In terms of hanging out in a group setting with his current gf I am honestly against that idea. His new relationship is not any of my business and I don't intend being bffs with his gf from it. If anything it would create a weird void between my ex / his gf/ and me as his ex and throwing in other people who don't have any emotional connection with each other. Also I don't know what kind of person his current ex is. If she's anything like the kind of women he's dated or I've met before, I don't believe he dates a lot of mature and non-clingy women. From my experience meeting an ex gf and me once being in the gf shoes, I was harassed and given a very cold and passive aggressive attitude even though I tried my best to be polite and neutral towards his past ex and him. Whether or not he's told his current gf about him reaching out to me again and she's cool about it, that's out of my control. I'm not going to go out my way to introduce myself to his gf if my ex is choosing to be shady about it. I can honestly say there are no romantic feelings behind anything I talk to with my ex now, but if my ex is thinking otherwise that's on him and not me.
      Which is fair enough.

      You know him infinitely better than any stranger on the internet.

      Don't sweat over it. Personally, I'd keep him at arms length and if you stay friends, make sure he knows you have no intention of getting back with him so you both can get on with your respective lives. Whatever reason he had for contacting you again, it's now irrelevant.
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      (Original post by Blackstarr)
      This guy is seriously not good for you. He has hurt you once so what is stopping him from hurting you again?

      The fact that he is bringing up his new gf with you suggests he may want you to feel even more hurt or jealous

      However, just because he talks about his gf with you all the time does not mean he is in a happy relationship and has moved on from you.
      So it's possible that he builds his new relationship as happy picture out of spite? I don't understand how someone has the time and energy to even make an ex jealous after years. If he's dating girls/seeing them/or just sleeping around I could care less. If he's asking to be friends I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. I respect his relationship and don't pry for any info on it, and I do the same with not talking to him about my current my bf, but I don't know how to tell if he's really moved on from me and is happier or is pretending to be happier just to get me riled up about it.
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      (Original post by indoshoujo)
      So it's possible that he builds his new relationship as happy picture out of spite? I don't understand how someone has the time and energy to even make an ex jealous after years. If he's dating girls/seeing them/or just sleeping around I could care less. If he's asking to be friends I'll give him the benefit of the doubt. I respect his relationship and don't pry for any info on it, and I do the same with not talking to him about my current my bf, but I don't know how to tell if he's really moved on from me and is happier or is pretending to be happier just to get me riled up about it.
      From reading between the lines, it seems you still have unresolved issues and have not 'moved on' past some resentments (paranoia even) you still have.

      This is not a healthy thing for you.

      Cut contact, forget about his reasons and get on with your own life.
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      (Original post by uberteknik)
      From reading between the lines, it seems you still have unresolved issues and have not 'moved on' past some resentments (paranoia even) you still have.

      This is not a healthy thing for you.

      Cut contact, forget about his reasons and get on with your own life.
      I don't resent my ex at all, but I do believe we have a lot of unresolved issues. I feel like he's not saying what he really wants to say about me and so that's why we're just dancing around each other trying to be cordial to each other.
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