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How do I break to my best friend I don't want to live with her anymore? Watch

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    So I'm currently in second year and looking for third year housing options. I want to live with two of the girls I'm currently living with. I'm also living with my best friend and another person, and me and the two other girls have asked them atleast three times what they're planning on doing next year and they haven't replied. They want to leave it later to sort out housing incase a better option comes up. However, me and the 2 girls are very happy living together and we want to sort it soon to alleviate stress. My best friend has told me personally she wants to live with me, but heres my problem. Whilst I love her, and everyone gets on with her on a personal level, she is kinda a *****y housemate. She eats all of my food then doesn't replace it, which costs me a lot of money. She creates huge amounts of mess, and then gets pissed when we ask her to tidy up after herself, with the attitude "this is a student house, yet you're making me do chores, you're worse than my mum at home!!' but we all get so annoyed with the mess she makes, it makes our communal areas and living environment unpleasant. And we end up feeling like the nags just because we want her to respect our communal spaces. She'll use loads of our pans, then go away to her boyfriend's for days on end, so that crusty, mouldy food is left on the side in OUR pans. Shes already ruined some of my bowls from leaving them for days, and now they're all stained with old food.
    I just don't know how to tell her I don't want to live with her in third year cos I want to focus on studies, and not just be partying and living in mess, with no money because she eats all my food and then denies it lol.
    She's still my best friend and I care about her but it's affecting my mood everyday living with her, and I'm scared if I live with her another year we will end up resenting eachother due to our different boundaries and living styles.
    I don't think she'll understand this though, because shes made it clear she wants to live with me, but she just is unsure about the other girls I want to live with.
    Help???? I don't want it to look like I'm choosing the others over her, or excluding her, but I can't live like this anymore.
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    (Original post by mockingbird246)
    So I'm currently in second year and looking for third year housing options. I want to live with two of the girls I'm currently living with. I'm also living with my best friend and another person, and me and the two other girls have asked them atleast three times what they're planning on doing next year and they haven't replied. They want to leave it later to sort out housing incase a better option comes up. However, me and the 2 girls are very happy living together and we want to sort it soon to alleviate stress. My best friend has told me personally she wants to live with me, but heres my problem. Whilst I love her, and everyone gets on with her on a personal level, she is kinda a *****y housemate. She eats all of my food then doesn't replace it, which costs me a lot of money. She creates huge amounts of mess, and then gets pissed when we ask her to tidy up after herself, with the attitude "this is a student house, yet you're making me do chores, you're worse than my mum at home!!' but we all get so annoyed with the mess she makes, it makes our communal areas and living environment unpleasant. And we end up feeling like the nags just because we want her to respect our communal spaces. She'll use loads of our pans, then go away to her boyfriend's for days on end, so that crusty, mouldy food is left on the side in OUR pans. Shes already ruined some of my bowls from leaving them for days, and now they're all stained with old food.
    I just don't know how to tell her I don't want to live with her in third year cos I want to focus on studies, and not just be partying and living in mess, with no money because she eats all my food and then denies it lol.
    She's still my best friend and I care about her but it's affecting my mood everyday living with her, and I'm scared if I live with her another year we will end up resenting eachother due to our different boundaries and living styles.
    I don't think she'll understand this though, because shes made it clear she wants to live with me, but she just is unsure about the other girls I want to live with.
    Help???? I don't want it to look like I'm choosing the others over her, or excluding her, but I can't live like this anymore.
    Its understandable that you dont want to live with her , i think the best way to handle this is to explain that you and the other friends are more comfortable in sorting housing now and you don't want the stress of finding somewhere later on and therefore you won't be able to live with her because of this.
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    In my second year I lived with my best friend and four other girls (who we didn't know at first - it was uni accommodation) and there were a few niggling things that annoyed me but there were 6 of us sharing the communal areas so I could never be too sure who was the one leaving crumbs everywhere, leaving lights on, leaving the front door open etc... I wish I had worked out sooner because in third year we moved into a flat just the two of us and I HATED it! She was my best friend and yet she made me so angry with her habits. She would leave the front door unlocked overnight (even open sometimes), lose her keys every other night out and wake me up in the middle of the night ringing the doorbell when she knew I had deadlines, leave lights on all day AND over holidays (racking up bills)!! Basically she was a careless housemate. I became miserable because the bad feelings took over the good and there was so much tension that it ruined our friendship. I regret choosing to live with her and I wish I had figured out sooner that she was a terrible housemate because now we're in fourth year and we only ever see each other once a week in a lecture where we are just polite to each other - we are barely even friends at all, let alone best friends. Makes me sad to look back on first and second year and know what a great friendship we lost but there's just too much water under the bridge. You don't have to be like me though! Get out now whilst you're still best friends!! The way I see it, if you live with her the friendship will likely be ruined by the tension. If you don't live with her she could either hate you for ditching her or get over it and you can remain best friends. I'd take the chance and hope it goes your way. Good luck!!
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    Just to add - I actually spoke to someone at student services at my uni about my issues and she told me to 100% move out and put my own happiness first. You have to look after yourself and, whilst you may feel like you're doing a *****y thing, she will get over it and she will find somewhere else to live. Try and sit her down and just explain to her why you've made your decision and that you want to still be best friends. You never know - she could be feeling a similar way (if she feels like you're nagging constantly). I really do hope it works out for you!
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    How is she your best friend when you treats you badly and steals from you? TBH I would tell her the truth that you can't live with someone who steals from you and won't clean up. I would, however, wait until you've signed on a house because otherwise she might change her behaviour for a few weeks to try and change your mind but in my experience peope like that don't change long term.
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    (Original post by mockingbird246)
    So I'm currently in second year and looking for third year housing options. I want to live with two of the girls I'm currently living with. I'm also living with my best friend and another person, and me and the two other girls have asked them atleast three times what they're planning on doing next year and they haven't replied. They want to leave it later to sort out housing incase a better option comes up. However, me and the 2 girls are very happy living together and we want to sort it soon to alleviate stress. My best friend has told me personally she wants to live with me, but heres my problem. Whilst I love her, and everyone gets on with her on a personal level, she is kinda a *****y housemate. She eats all of my food then doesn't replace it, which costs me a lot of money. She creates huge amounts of mess, and then gets pissed when we ask her to tidy up after herself, with the attitude "this is a student house, yet you're making me do chores, you're worse than my mum at home!!' but we all get so annoyed with the mess she makes, it makes our communal areas and living environment unpleasant. And we end up feeling like the nags just because we want her to respect our communal spaces. She'll use loads of our pans, then go away to her boyfriend's for days on end, so that crusty, mouldy food is left on the side in OUR pans. Shes already ruined some of my bowls from leaving them for days, and now they're all stained with old food.
    I just don't know how to tell her I don't want to live with her in third year cos I want to focus on studies, and not just be partying and living in mess, with no money because she eats all my food and then denies it lol.
    She's still my best friend and I care about her but it's affecting my mood everyday living with her, and I'm scared if I live with her another year we will end up resenting eachother due to our different boundaries and living styles.
    I don't think she'll understand this though, because shes made it clear she wants to live with me, but she just is unsure about the other girls I want to live with.
    Help???? I don't want it to look like I'm choosing the others over her, or excluding her, but I can't live like this anymore.
    I think at this point it's more than fair to proceed finding a house without her! Kudos to you for still letting the good things about her and her friendship with you not be overwhelmed by the bad!

    You've already let her know that you're looking with your other friends; I think it's fair enough to drop her a message along the lines of "Hey {Friend A}, [Friend B, C, D] are going house-hunting on [this] day. I really want to get housing sorted, and while I love our friendship and hanging out with you, I need this for my peace of mind."

    This way she knows she's welcome to live with you again, but you have a firm date that she needs to abide. Since you don't want to live with her again though (which I fully support; some people just aren't meant to live with each other and are much better as just friends, not housemates), if you think she'll end up coming along to that date (you know her better than I!), then send a more direct message:

    "Hey {Friend A}, I'm finding a house with [Friend B,C,D] for next year. I know you don't want to commit just yet, and I'm worried that living with my best friend again will distract me in my last year. Let's live close to each other though and I can't wait to have weekly movie nights with you next year!!" Where you would substitute "weekly movie nights" with whatever makes sense for your friendship so she knows she's still a major part of your life and you aren't just dismissing her for a new friendship group!
 
 
 
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