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Why does she not understand my priorities?

Ok for context I'm a third year law student, who is a very busy member in my university (I'm on the squash team, do lots of extra curricular stuff). I'm currently seeing an exchange student from the USA.

I like her a lot, but she doesn't seem to grasp that I'm extremely busy with academic stuff, other academic related stuff e.g. CV writing/cover letter writing/careers event and squash and volunteering. She seems to think I can just drop things for her. She likes me a lot, but for example she is annoyed I can't go to her thanksgiving meal on Thursday, because we're going away at the weekend to AUstria and I have a careers fair which I need to go to.

Any advice?

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Does she have lots do too? Does she drop everything to do something you want? If she doesn't then how does she expect you to? Tell her straight that you are very busy at a lot of times and whenever you can see her you will make it so. Whilst seeing her make it important, romantic whatever you both like and it will hopefully be fine.
Reply 2
Original post by monkeyman0121
Does she have lots do too? Does she drop everything to do something you want? If she doesn't then how does she expect you to? Tell her straight that you are very busy at a lot of times and whenever you can see her you will make it so. Whilst seeing her make it important, romantic whatever you both like and it will hopefully be fine.


She doesn't, she's goes travelling away most weekends anyway and does first and second year modules. I have to use my time efficiently and not waiting for her.

Tonight I was on campus and said I planned on leaving at 10 to go home and asked if she wanted to come back and watch a film. This was at 6. She said yes.

Text her at 9:30 asking if she'd be ready, she said she would not be ready till 10:30. I can't deal with that time inefficiency
Original post by angelfox
She doesn't, she's goes travelling away most weekends anyway and does first and second year modules. I have to use my time efficiently and not waiting for her.

Tonight I was on campus and said I planned on leaving at 10 to go home and asked if she wanted to come back and watch a film. This was at 6. She said yes.

Text her at 9:30 asking if she'd be ready, she said she would not be ready till 10:30. I can't deal with that time inefficiency


Then how does she expect you to drop stuff if she can't be on time to see you when you want. Bit of a double standard.
Reply 4
Original post by monkeyman0121
Then how does she expect you to drop stuff if she can't be on time to see you when you want. Bit of a double standard.


without wanting to sound arrogant, but she needs to work around me. Ultimately she can get 40% and no harm done. I need this, I need a 2:1, she has to work around me.
Original post by angelfox
without wanting to sound arrogant, but she needs to work around me. Ultimately she can get 40% and no harm done. I need this, I need a 2:1, she has to work around me.


what you both need to do is try to schedule times when you are both free and then go out or do whatever. Make a schedule of what you are going to do for each week and any gaps ask her if she wants to go out on those days and if she has gaps there then its perfect.
Reply 6
Original post by monkeyman0121
what you both need to do is try to schedule times when you are both free and then go out or do whatever. Make a schedule of what you are going to do for each week and any gaps ask her if she wants to go out on those days and if she has gaps there then its perfect.


I totally agreed , you guys need to decide and write down in paper when u two are free, in that way u would have time for your other activities and you can still see each other . writing the time u guys want to meet is very effective as it looks more serious
If she can't accept your lifestyle, then you can't accept her into your life. When I was younger, I dated a guy who worked in the morning, went to college, then worked in the evening for two hours as a martial arts teacher. He'd come over mine later on in the evening and be knackered/sleep but I didn't mind and never asked him to drop anything for me. He made the effort to see me when he could and that's all that mattered. You can't change someone - you accept who they are and anything that comes with them and if that's not for you, you move on. :smile: Don't change anything about you and your life to accommodate someone who's new on the scene.

Original post by angelfox
Ok for context I'm a third year law student, who is a very busy member in my university (I'm on the squash team, do lots of extra curricular stuff). I'm currently seeing an exchange student from the USA.

I like her a lot, but she doesn't seem to grasp that I'm extremely busy with academic stuff, other academic related stuff e.g. CV writing/cover letter writing/careers event and squash and volunteering. She seems to think I can just drop things for her. She likes me a lot, but for example she is annoyed I can't go to her thanksgiving meal on Thursday, because we're going away at the weekend to AUstria and I have a careers fair which I need to go to.

Any advice?
Reply 8
I had a situation like this with an ex of mine. She didn't (or couldn't) understand that working on a PhD didn't mean doing an hour of work a day and then sitting in hers until silly o'clock watching shite telly and often wanted things moving around at the drop of a hat to suit. You try to accommodate this really but the tensions are inevitable when you are working hard toward an important goal. You need to have a serious discussion with her and explain the situation as you see it. I hope it has a happier outcome for you than it did for me.
Reply 9
Original post by hannxm
If she can't accept your lifestyle, then you can't accept her into your life. When I was younger, I dated a guy who worked in the morning, went to college, then worked in the evening for two hours as a martial arts teacher. He'd come over mine later on in the evening and be knackered/sleep but I didn't mind and never asked him to drop anything for me. He made the effort to see me when he could and that's all that mattered. You can't change someone - you accept who they are and anything that comes with them and if that's not for you, you move on. :smile: Don't change anything about you and your life to accommodate someone who's new on the scene.


That's effectively it, because she goes away at the weekend she's not here, and in the week all the extra-curricular stuff is on and I just collapse and fall asleep after a long day.

She still wants more though and I can't give it.
Reply 10
Original post by gjd800
I had a situation like this with an ex of mine. She didn't (or couldn't) understand that working on a PhD didn't mean doing an hour of work a day and then sitting in hers until silly o'clock watching shite telly and often wanted things moving around at the drop of a hat to suit. You try to accommodate this really but the tensions are inevitable when you are working hard toward an important goal. You need to have a serious discussion with her and explain the situation as you see it. I hope it has a happier outcome for you than it did for me.


That's it, she thinks I can just drop everything to go into town to go to Nandos. I'm going away with her, but I got to work extra hard before hand, she doesn't seem to grasp it.

She leaves in December anyway.
Reply 11
Original post by angelfox
That's it, she thinks I can just drop everything to go into town to go to Nandos. I'm going away with her, but I got to work extra hard before hand, she doesn't seem to grasp it.

She leaves in December anyway.


It's hard. You'd think with her also in academia she might understand it a bit more, really. You can't change things up too much at this point, though. keep your eye on the main prize.
Reply 12
Original post by gjd800
It's hard. You'd think with her also in academia she might understand it a bit more, really. You can't change things up too much at this point, though. keep your eye on the main prize.


She's an exchange, I think as long as they pass there are no real implications. Her modules are really random as well, I don't understand it.
Reply 13
Original post by angelfox
She's an exchange, I think as long as they pass there are no real implications. Her modules are really random as well, I don't understand it.


Weird, I don't know how all that stuff works either.
Reply 14
Original post by gjd800
Weird, I don't know how all that stuff works either.


Like in the US she does physiotherapy, yet here it's random modules like Latin American Studies and some first year psychology, I don't understand it, and she wonders why she has all this free time.
Reply 15
She said that today was a busy day for her because she had lectures and had to laundry, she's not busy at all.
Original post by angelfox
without wanting to sound arrogant, but she needs to work around me. Ultimately she can get 40% and no harm done. I need this, I need a 2:1, she has to work around me.


Sounds like you probably don't need a relationship at the moment
I will say one thing in her defence - Thanksgiving is a big deal for Americans, pretty much on par with our excitement for Christmas.
I've got an American fiancée & I don't think she'd be all that pleased if I missed her meal on Thursday.
Half an hour is nothing when you’re busy.
Do you shut your laptop bang on time or finish what you’re doing?
The latter I suspect
Thanksgiving is a big deal. You knew it was coming and as you’re so keen on scheduling you could have fit it in
A relationship should be give and take. You don’t seem keen on giving. It shouldn’t be entirely fitting around you. Compromise.
To be honest, the fairest thing you can do is end it and let her find someone who values her as much as she deserves.
If you’re so rigid that everything should be to suit you then you’re not ready for a relationship
Communication is definitely important for this one. I was in your position and my boyfriend had basically no lectures and he said himself the exams were super easy. He had loads of free time and thought that I just wasn't as invested in the relationship because I wasn't making enough time for him. The relationship ended because of lack of communication and him thinking me not seeing him was because I didn't want to. However previously in the year I would often drop things and miss lectures to spend more time with him. And now I regret not focussing on my work earlier on.

Relationships are great but honestly you need to get as much as you can out of uni especially during third year. You sound like you've got your head switched on and know how to prioritise. You clearly don't have enough time to give her what she wants and that's ok. This relationship sounds like it'll probably end anyway when she goes back to the US so before things get messy and you start arguing and go through a **** breakup during exams, I'd recommend ending it. Third year is too important to be spending with someone you can't give enough to. She would probably be better off with someone with more time to give.

So yeah never put girls before uni. I'm not saying uni relationships can't work, I've seen some very busy people make it work but they were always on the same page with their partners and were able to manage their time.

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