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I think my dad is emotionally abusive - what can I do in this situation?

Looking for advice concerning father who I think is emotionally/verbally abusive, please keep anon or delete. Very long but I feel this needs a lot of background. Hope it makes sense and is not too disjointed—feeling very freaked about the entire situation and would appreciate advice.


Background

I am a 26 year old, married and not currently residing in the country—I’m currently a bit nomadic. My husband and I live here until April earlier this year as his student visa expired (he was doing his masters). We left some stuff with my grandma as we intend to apply for a visa to return in a year or two.

I graduated two years ago with a first class degree from a good university. I’ve since been freelance working for several magazines—not earning much and it’s irregular income but I’m slowly building a name for myself. I’m really happy living with my husband and enjoying moderate success; things haven’t always been like this though.

As a teenager I suffered from anorexia. No one, including myself, could understand why at the time. My parents were very liberal about what I did or didn’t do—it didn’t seem I had a lack of control. Around the same time, my dad came out as having been sexually abused as a child by his teacher. I understand this was awful for him but he has made it such a big part of his life now (victimising himself, demanding a safe space etc) that I don’t think his issues are just about the recollection of trauma.

Looking back, it seems I did. My dad has always been very controlling, but in a manner I only noticed once I left university. He often accuses people of doing things they haven’t done, then forces them to apologise. He doesn’t care about forgiveness, any feelings of contempt which might be building up; he just cares about having full control. I’ve been doing this (apologising for things I haven’t done) all my life and noticed that my mental health takes a turn for the worse whenever I am around my dad. It has also got a lot worse now he know longer has my mum (they divorced) at home as a punchbag.

Five years ago there was a big scandal at home. My grandma came to visit during the time where my parents were having huge arguments. My mum had discovered that my dad was gay (he was writing gay erotica and having online affairs).

Meanwhile, my grandma told my ex-partner “what I think he (her son/my dad) needs is to get a job.” It was sound advice—he thrives on conflict and takes drugs—a downward spiral probably worsened because he has so much free time to dwell on things. Of course my ex-partner reported back to me what she’d said, casually. My dad that same day started ranting to me about how everyone hates my mum, how she doesn’t do any work (she was working night shifts nursing while he did nothing but insult her and control/make claim of their finances). I said calmly, “well I’m not sure about that, your mum told (my ex partner) that you should get a job”. He went absolutely livid and asked her whether she said it, she denied it—so everything came back to me—they were both calling me a liar so in tears I called my grandma a liar. I think in truth she was just scared of my dad as she knew how argumentative he can be, but still a horrible situation. We all had a huge fallout, my grandma and dad portrayed me as the black sheep of the family to their side of the family.

Looking back I think this was the beginning of my dad’s attempts to scapegoat me. He started projecting onto me everything that he isn’t doing right in life: accusing me of living ‘a fake life’, of being a dropout (I write for magazines and get paid, got a first class degree—not sure I’d call that being a dropout), saying I’m “money-obsessed” (he got given money by his mum to come visit me during Erasmus and instead decided to save it, he is cheating my mum out of the house they co-own, he used to have explosive arguments with my mum over £1 and I am as a consequence of this perhaps indifferent about money and material things). He also keeps telling my grandma and others that being around me he is always walking on eggshells when it’s the opposite. Everyone is coming to blame me when he is the one being abusive.

My mum and I got a bit closer after this as I came to realise everything she’d been through—as a child I think I was a bit manipulated by my dad into blaming her for everything—she had been an alcoholic but I now see that it was because of the way he emotionally abused her—insulting her, telling her she was ugly and that he never loved her, controlling their finances, forcing her to apologise all the time.

Anyhow, I broke up with my ex-partner years back (not because of this situation) and slowly fell back into being “friends” with my grandma and dad. My dad in the meanwhile has had numerous affairs and found a new partner—someone who had also been abused as a child.


Recent situation


I called my dad regularly during the summer to tell him how things were going. He wrote me very strange messages during that period saying stuff like “you know, I miss you. I wouldn’t care if you were unambitious and just wanted to move back to the west country and work as a waitress,” in the meanwhile he called my mum and said I seemed depressed. She told him I seemed the happiest I had been in ages. And I am, I have an amazing spouse, I’m doing well career-wise, married my best friend, and I’m finally coming out of the black hole I had as a child at home.

Despite him seemingly being keen on having my company, these past few years I’ve been treading on egg shells whenever I go to visit him, or whenever he comes to see me. I’ve been really upset, and come to the conclusion (from not being at home, and through perhaps more objective observation of ex-partner and my husband) that the way he treats me is emotionally abusive.

I know he has been taking a lot of legal highs and other substances, not sure what. That probably doesn’t help.

He and his partner both use the traumatic experience of their pasts as an excuse for everything. I know trauma is horrible, but many people get through it without letting it ruin their lives/other peoples’ lives. Neither of them work; both keep victimising themselves to the point where they are competitive (His partner told me “(my dad) was not abused as much as I was” in an almost boastful tone) and both use it as a means of doing whatever they like, regardless of the consequences or hurt others around them will feel.

I love my grandma very much and obviously always have and will. The argument in the past with her was never really with her but with my dad. I know it’s hard not to stick up for your son regardless of his actions or the way he treats others, but sometimes I don’t think it does him any favours. I remember my granddad once told my mum something about how he always used to have the most vicious rows with my dad, and how grandma always stuck up for him whatever he did. That was the case with the argument five years ago.

I know now grandma has really become flexible with her principles in order to appease my dad, even growing weed in her house for him (according to my dad’s partner). Understandable that a mother acts like that toward her son, but I don’t think it’s helping him.

-I went up to visit my dad a few times a year since he moved back to the West Country. Both times I felt very bad—like I was falling back into mindset which started the anorexia I had as a teenager. —He was very controlling and always demanded an apology (for trivial things often/stuff I hadn’t done)—this is something he did when I was a child. I’ve thought a lot about this behavioural pattern, and read about it, and what I thought as a child was confirmed. This isn’t conflict resolution—it’s one person demanding a power trip over another person. No one gets personal resolution from an argument if the other forces their hand at saying “I’m sorry”, they only feel more and more contemptuous.

His partner even (in secret writing to me and my husband separately) has told us that my dad behaves like this with him too, and that he obviously has issues with controlling, abusive behaviour. He asked us to delete the conversation—we hadn’t but he has for fear that my dad will see it and go berserk.

-He has also been threatening me a lot in a controlling manner. I thought this was normal as a child, but it doesn’t seem normal now. My husband and I have been abroad this year, somewhat nomadic due to work. This visit to the UK was purely a medical and passport renewal visit. I needed complex surgery in the UK, my husband doesn’t have a UK residence visa yet so is here on a tourist visa. Our initial plan was to stay in Birmingham, where my surgery and consultation was. When I told dad I was coming to the UK he told me to come and stay with him—he kept saying that between he and my mum he would drive me around to all necessary appointments while my health is down. I reminded him that the distances were quite large but he was still adamant we come stay.

We did, and when I got there his friendly online attitude quickly changed. He often threatened my health appointments in order for me to behave as he wanted me to e.g. he said (three days before my appointment in Birmingham) “what is the exact address of the place where you’re having the consultation.” I was reading and said “hmm not sure, I’ll tell you tonight when I get on the computer. He responded quite aggressively “I’m not taking you unless you tell me right now!”. There were any more very trivial cases of this.

-He is extremely paranoid and seems to always think everyone is conspiring against him. I spoke to him all day for two days straight. The third day I said I better do some work now (I write freelance) and he got offended. He said in these words “no. I get it. I totally get it. You just don’t like me.” He wouldn’t let me work, read or do anything but listen to him. And I was really acting like I would with anyone and being nice and polite. And he was paranoid that anything I was doing other than talking to him (reading, socialising, working etc) was a personal slight.

When my husband arrived, we’d be talking and he’d interrupt with something completely irrelevant looking really spaced out/high on drugs and talk about it for 10 minutes non-stop. I eventually would give him a look, which he later described as an evil glare.

I had a friend come to visit, and he wouldn’t leave the room. He wanted to hang out with me and my friend as if he were another friend. He wouldn’t leave for an hour—it was supposed to be a private “girly” talk about her life. He always gets offended when he is unable to “hang out with the kids”, he has done this numerous times before e.g. wanting to come to my teenage parties, wanting to come to a Halloween party with me at university.

This is something which has been getting worse over the years, and I feel the worse it gets the more isolated I am from the family.

He told me and his partner (separately) “You have no respect for me because you are better educated, move in higher social circles and are now living in a totally different class financially.” This is obviously not true. I spoke with him a lot, called him a lot all summer and have come to visit as much as I can while living abroad.

-He gets set off by really trivial things. His partner told me explicitly “treat this flat like your own home, help yourself to anything in the fridge.” I used the oat milk (there were 10 cartons of it) to make hot chocolate one night, and my dad started receptively saying to me and my husband “try and use less oat milk”, “don’t use the oat milk”, “you’ve got to stop using the oat milk.” I can’t remember how many times he said it, but I found it a little embarrassing as it was the first real time my husband came around to visit, and I didn’t want him to think my dad was a bad host.

-The next time my dad said that to me in the kitchen, I replied in a quiet voice “alright, don’t get so OCD.” At this he got absolutely livid, shouting at me that I was using ableist language and that he wouldn’t take me to my consultation in Birmingham the following day anymore (for which we had already paid) if I didn’t apologise. He kept going on about it and shouting at me, my husband in the other room said he was genuinely scared. He also threw loads of really hurtful language at me, called me evil and other things. Among other things, dad said when my husband was present “you do realise ableist language is a lot worse than racist language, don’t you?” I thought this was very offensive as my husband, who is from an ethnic minority, l has felt the brunt of racism all his life, but didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to further provoke things. I eventually had to apologise for using ableist language and offending him or he would not have brought us to the health consultation which I really needed to attend.

-He provokes through shouting hateful things like “everybody hates you, your cousins and aunty and uncle hate you,” and “I had a horoscope done before you were born and it said you would be evil, I didn’t want to believe it but now I know it’s true,” then goes quiet and records my response secretly—evidently me crying and retaliating. He has a library of recordings from arguments with his partner too and probably others. I know this does not help with conflict resolution, and is also illegal. When not recording he really shouts you down and does not listen. Obviously a 5 minute recording is hardly representative of an argument that goes on for hours or days.

-I keep getting harassed by him with hateful words. My dad keeps calling my mum on the pretence of talking about the house, but then slandering me. He has also sent her many emails. He has also since told my mum that he now dislikes my husband and that he is “devious”. He has been sending horrible messages to me through his partner’s account and doing petty things like setting my Netflix account to “for little kids only.” I asked him to please leave me alone as he keeps harassing me, but he still keeps demanding an apology.

-Since recalling his abuse he labels everyone else in his life as being abusive. He says this when he is the instigator of most, if not all arguments.

He obviously has some issues beyond being abused as a child. The drugs probably make it a lot worse.

-I wrote to my auntie a few weeks back with a plea for help, asking whether we could correspond in confidentiality (she agreed) and telling her about my dad’s behaviour. She said she resonated with a lot of what I said and wanted to help, but then went and told my grandma who told my dad.

I know my grandma wants us to be friends and reports back to him everything I am doing, but I really would prefer she wouldn’t as it always comes back to me. She does always make allowances for him, naturally, but I don’t think she understands the seriousness of his behaviour.

I’m 5 weeks on from surgery and we’re planning on leaving the country in December—we had planned on visiting my grandma for a few days as we won’t return to the country for a year. My dad called my mum to tell her that my grandma “is scared of me and so is everyone else in the family”, he emailed me the following—intent on seeming diplomatic, end it with “Think we should at least be talking - if not actual friends - before you visit your grandma. Otherwise I foresee difficulties.” It does feel like a silent threat—he also emailed my husband, again aiming for diplomacy saying stuff like “as a child she did not have these issues” and threatening that if I went to see my grandma I’d likely face “a hostile environment”. He says my auntie has “made up her own opinion based solely on the contents of my email”.

My grandma just wrote to me with the following:

I really hate doing this but I think it best to cancel or postpone your visit to me until you are at least conversing with your Dad. He is very upset as am I, it doesn't bode well for a happy visit. I don't want to be walking on eggshells afraid of you or me mentioning his name.

As I have said before I love you but cannot stand seeing (my son) so traumatised and unhappy. Let's hope it is soon it is resolved xxxI feel she has been manipulated into saying these things. Figured out I’m still the scapegoat and whatever I say will be used against me—a plea for help, silence, wanting to come visit my grandma.

I have decided based on the increasing abuse in these past years that I should sever ties with my family—that’s what these articles say too. I think he has something like a narcissistic personality type and lacks empathy—he’s also really good at manipulation. If I stay in touch with the family they will only bring down my self-esteem more, blame all their issues on me and act like I’m “the problem child” when if anything, I’m the only one in this side of the family who has got my life together.

My main fear now is that our stuff (mainly my husband’s) is at my grandma’s, and it seems my dad and grandma might use this as a bargaining chip to force me to make friends with my dad.

I’m not sure whether to tell my grandma we are coming to pick it up, to turn up unannounced (that might be too aggressive but would avoid issues) or whether to immediately seek advice from the police. If I wanted to I think I could do my dad on several counts. I’d prefer not to if possible:

-growing and selling cannabis

-malicious phone calls and emails (harassment)

-small claims for holding onto our things

-blackmail


If you’ve read this far thanks for reading. Any idea what I can do in this situation?

Scroll to see replies

Original post by Anonymous
.........


Carrying a person's DNA doesn't give either them or you an inalienable obligation to keep in contact. Your father seems to have no redeeming features at all, especially when compared to his negative features, whereas you seem to have carved out a successful life and career despite your home life. What are the benefits of keeping in any contact with him whatsoever? What does he do for you that you can't do for yourself? Just move on in your life without him.
Reply 2
Original post by Anonymous
Looking for advice concerning father who I think is emotionally/verbally abusive, please keep anon or delete. Very long but I feel this needs a lot of background. Hope it makes sense and is not too disjointed—feeling very freaked about the entire situation and would appreciate advice.


Background

I am a 26 year old, married and not currently residing in the country—I’m currently a bit nomadic. My husband and I live here until April earlier this year as his student visa expired (he was doing his masters). We left some stuff with my grandma as we intend to apply for a visa to return in a year or two.

I graduated two years ago with a first class degree from a good university. I’ve since been freelance working for several magazines—not earning much and it’s irregular income but I’m slowly building a name for myself. I’m really happy living with my husband and enjoying moderate success; things haven’t always been like this though.

As a teenager I suffered from anorexia. No one, including myself, could understand why at the time. My parents were very liberal about what I did or didn’t do—it didn’t seem I had a lack of control. Around the same time, my dad came out as having been sexually abused as a child by his teacher. I understand this was awful for him but he has made it such a big part of his life now (victimising himself, demanding a safe space etc) that I don’t think his issues are just about the recollection of trauma.

Looking back, it seems I did. My dad has always been very controlling, but in a manner I only noticed once I left university. He often accuses people of doing things they haven’t done, then forces them to apologise. He doesn’t care about forgiveness, any feelings of contempt which might be building up; he just cares about having full control. I’ve been doing this (apologising for things I haven’t done) all my life and noticed that my mental health takes a turn for the worse whenever I am around my dad. It has also got a lot worse now he know longer has my mum (they divorced) at home as a punchbag.

Five years ago there was a big scandal at home. My grandma came to visit during the time where my parents were having huge arguments. My mum had discovered that my dad was gay (he was writing gay erotica and having online affairs).

Meanwhile, my grandma told my ex-partner “what I think he (her son/my dad) needs is to get a job.” It was sound advice—he thrives on conflict and takes drugs—a downward spiral probably worsened because he has so much free time to dwell on things. Of course my ex-partner reported back to me what she’d said, casually. My dad that same day started ranting to me about how everyone hates my mum, how she doesn’t do any work (she was working night shifts nursing while he did nothing but insult her and control/make claim of their finances). I said calmly, “well I’m not sure about that, your mum told (my ex partner) that you should get a job”. He went absolutely livid and asked her whether she said it, she denied it—so everything came back to me—they were both calling me a liar so in tears I called my grandma a liar. I think in truth she was just scared of my dad as she knew how argumentative he can be, but still a horrible situation. We all had a huge fallout, my grandma and dad portrayed me as the black sheep of the family to their side of the family.

Looking back I think this was the beginning of my dad’s attempts to scapegoat me. He started projecting onto me everything that he isn’t doing right in life: accusing me of living ‘a fake life’, of being a dropout (I write for magazines and get paid, got a first class degree—not sure I’d call that being a dropout), saying I’m “money-obsessed” (he got given money by his mum to come visit me during Erasmus and instead decided to save it, he is cheating my mum out of the house they co-own, he used to have explosive arguments with my mum over £1 and I am as a consequence of this perhaps indifferent about money and material things). He also keeps telling my grandma and others that being around me he is always walking on eggshells when it’s the opposite. Everyone is coming to blame me when he is the one being abusive.

My mum and I got a bit closer after this as I came to realise everything she’d been through—as a child I think I was a bit manipulated by my dad into blaming her for everything—she had been an alcoholic but I now see that it was because of the way he emotionally abused her—insulting her, telling her she was ugly and that he never loved her, controlling their finances, forcing her to apologise all the time.

Anyhow, I broke up with my ex-partner years back (not because of this situation) and slowly fell back into being “friends” with my grandma and dad. My dad in the meanwhile has had numerous affairs and found a new partner—someone who had also been abused as a child.


Recent situation


I called my dad regularly during the summer to tell him how things were going. He wrote me very strange messages during that period saying stuff like “you know, I miss you. I wouldn’t care if you were unambitious and just wanted to move back to the west country and work as a waitress,” in the meanwhile he called my mum and said I seemed depressed. She told him I seemed the happiest I had been in ages. And I am, I have an amazing spouse, I’m doing well career-wise, married my best friend, and I’m finally coming out of the black hole I had as a child at home.

Despite him seemingly being keen on having my company, these past few years I’ve been treading on egg shells whenever I go to visit him, or whenever he comes to see me. I’ve been really upset, and come to the conclusion (from not being at home, and through perhaps more objective observation of ex-partner and my husband) that the way he treats me is emotionally abusive.

I know he has been taking a lot of legal highs and other substances, not sure what. That probably doesn’t help.

He and his partner both use the traumatic experience of their pasts as an excuse for everything. I know trauma is horrible, but many people get through it without letting it ruin their lives/other peoples’ lives. Neither of them work; both keep victimising themselves to the point where they are competitive (His partner told me “(my dad) was not abused as much as I was” in an almost boastful tone) and both use it as a means of doing whatever they like, regardless of the consequences or hurt others around them will feel.

I love my grandma very much and obviously always have and will. The argument in the past with her was never really with her but with my dad. I know it’s hard not to stick up for your son regardless of his actions or the way he treats others, but sometimes I don’t think it does him any favours. I remember my granddad once told my mum something about how he always used to have the most vicious rows with my dad, and how grandma always stuck up for him whatever he did. That was the case with the argument five years ago.

I know now grandma has really become flexible with her principles in order to appease my dad, even growing weed in her house for him (according to my dad’s partner). Understandable that a mother acts like that toward her son, but I don’t think it’s helping him.

-I went up to visit my dad a few times a year since he moved back to the West Country. Both times I felt very bad—like I was falling back into mindset which started the anorexia I had as a teenager. —He was very controlling and always demanded an apology (for trivial things often/stuff I hadn’t done)—this is something he did when I was a child. I’ve thought a lot about this behavioural pattern, and read about it, and what I thought as a child was confirmed. This isn’t conflict resolution—it’s one person demanding a power trip over another person. No one gets personal resolution from an argument if the other forces their hand at saying “I’m sorry”, they only feel more and more contemptuous.

His partner even (in secret writing to me and my husband separately) has told us that my dad behaves like this with him too, and that he obviously has issues with controlling, abusive behaviour. He asked us to delete the conversation—we hadn’t but he has for fear that my dad will see it and go berserk.

-He has also been threatening me a lot in a controlling manner. I thought this was normal as a child, but it doesn’t seem normal now. My husband and I have been abroad this year, somewhat nomadic due to work. This visit to the UK was purely a medical and passport renewal visit. I needed complex surgery in the UK, my husband doesn’t have a UK residence visa yet so is here on a tourist visa. Our initial plan was to stay in Birmingham, where my surgery and consultation was. When I told dad I was coming to the UK he told me to come and stay with him—he kept saying that between he and my mum he would drive me around to all necessary appointments while my health is down. I reminded him that the distances were quite large but he was still adamant we come stay.

We did, and when I got there his friendly online attitude quickly changed. He often threatened my health appointments in order for me to behave as he wanted me to e.g. he said (three days before my appointment in Birmingham) “what is the exact address of the place where you’re having the consultation.” I was reading and said “hmm not sure, I’ll tell you tonight when I get on the computer. He responded quite aggressively “I’m not taking you unless you tell me right now!”. There were any more very trivial cases of this.

-He is extremely paranoid and seems to always think everyone is conspiring against him. I spoke to him all day for two days straight. The third day I said I better do some work now (I write freelance) and he got offended. He said in these words “no. I get it. I totally get it. You just don’t like me.” He wouldn’t let me work, read or do anything but listen to him. And I was really acting like I would with anyone and being nice and polite. And he was paranoid that anything I was doing other than talking to him (reading, socialising, working etc) was a personal slight.

When my husband arrived, we’d be talking and he’d interrupt with something completely irrelevant looking really spaced out/high on drugs and talk about it for 10 minutes non-stop. I eventually would give him a look, which he later described as an evil glare.

I had a friend come to visit, and he wouldn’t leave the room. He wanted to hang out with me and my friend as if he were another friend. He wouldn’t leave for an hour—it was supposed to be a private “girly” talk about her life. He always gets offended when he is unable to “hang out with the kids”, he has done this numerous times before e.g. wanting to come to my teenage parties, wanting to come to a Halloween party with me at university.

This is something which has been getting worse over the years, and I feel the worse it gets the more isolated I am from the family.

He told me and his partner (separately) “You have no respect for me because you are better educated, move in higher social circles and are now living in a totally different class financially.” This is obviously not true. I spoke with him a lot, called him a lot all summer and have come to visit as much as I can while living abroad.

-He gets set off by really trivial things. His partner told me explicitly “treat this flat like your own home, help yourself to anything in the fridge.” I used the oat milk (there were 10 cartons of it) to make hot chocolate one night, and my dad started receptively saying to me and my husband “try and use less oat milk”, “don’t use the oat milk”, “you’ve got to stop using the oat milk.” I can’t remember how many times he said it, but I found it a little embarrassing as it was the first real time my husband came around to visit, and I didn’t want him to think my dad was a bad host.

-The next time my dad said that to me in the kitchen, I replied in a quiet voice “alright, don’t get so OCD.” At this he got absolutely livid, shouting at me that I was using ableist language and that he wouldn’t take me to my consultation in Birmingham the following day anymore (for which we had already paid) if I didn’t apologise. He kept going on about it and shouting at me, my husband in the other room said he was genuinely scared. He also threw loads of really hurtful language at me, called me evil and other things. Among other things, dad said when my husband was present “you do realise ableist language is a lot worse than racist language, don’t you?” I thought this was very offensive as my husband, who is from an ethnic minority, l has felt the brunt of racism all his life, but didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to further provoke things. I eventually had to apologise for using ableist language and offending him or he would not have brought us to the health consultation which I really needed to attend.

-He provokes through shouting hateful things like “everybody hates you, your cousins and aunty and uncle hate you,” and “I had a horoscope done before you were born and it said you would be evil, I didn’t want to believe it but now I know it’s true,” then goes quiet and records my response secretly—evidently me crying and retaliating. He has a library of recordings from arguments with his partner too and probably others. I know this does not help with conflict resolution, and is also illegal. When not recording he really shouts you down and does not listen. Obviously a 5 minute recording is hardly representative of an argument that goes on for hours or days.

-I keep getting harassed by him with hateful words. My dad keeps calling my mum on the pretence of talking about the house, but then slandering me. He has also sent her many emails. He has also since told my mum that he now dislikes my husband and that he is “devious”. He has been sending horrible messages to me through his partner’s account and doing petty things like setting my Netflix account to “for little kids only.” I asked him to please leave me alone as he keeps harassing me, but he still keeps demanding an apology.

-Since recalling his abuse he labels everyone else in his life as being abusive. He says this when he is the instigator of most, if not all arguments.

He obviously has some issues beyond being abused as a child. The drugs probably make it a lot worse.

-I wrote to my auntie a few weeks back with a plea for help, asking whether we could correspond in confidentiality (she agreed) and telling her about my dad’s behaviour. She said she resonated with a lot of what I said and wanted to help, but then went and told my grandma who told my dad.

I know my grandma wants us to be friends and reports back to him everything I am doing, but I really would prefer she wouldn’t as it always comes back to me. She does always make allowances for him, naturally, but I don’t think she understands the seriousness of his behaviour.

I’m 5 weeks on from surgery and we’re planning on leaving the country in December—we had planned on visiting my grandma for a few days as we won’t return to the country for a year. My dad called my mum to tell her that my grandma “is scared of me and so is everyone else in the family”, he emailed me the following—intent on seeming diplomatic, end it with “Think we should at least be talking - if not actual friends - before you visit your grandma. Otherwise I foresee difficulties.” It does feel like a silent threat—he also emailed my husband, again aiming for diplomacy saying stuff like “as a child she did not have these issues” and threatening that if I went to see my grandma I’d likely face “a hostile environment”. He says my auntie has “made up her own opinion based solely on the contents of my email”.

My grandma just wrote to me with the following:

I really hate doing this but I think it best to cancel or postpone your visit to me until you are at least conversing with your Dad. He is very upset as am I, it doesn't bode well for a happy visit. I don't want to be walking on eggshells afraid of you or me mentioning his name.

As I have said before I love you but cannot stand seeing (my son) so traumatised and unhappy. Let's hope it is soon it is resolved xxxI feel she has been manipulated into saying these things. Figured out I’m still the scapegoat and whatever I say will be used against me—a plea for help, silence, wanting to come visit my grandma.

I have decided based on the increasing abuse in these past years that I should sever ties with my family—that’s what these articles say too. I think he has something like a narcissistic personality type and lacks empathy—he’s also really good at manipulation. If I stay in touch with the family they will only bring down my self-esteem more, blame all their issues on me and act like I’m “the problem child” when if anything, I’m the only one in this side of the family who has got my life together.

My main fear now is that our stuff (mainly my husband’s) is at my grandma’s, and it seems my dad and grandma might use this as a bargaining chip to force me to make friends with my dad.

I’m not sure whether to tell my grandma we are coming to pick it up, to turn up unannounced (that might be too aggressive but would avoid issues) or whether to immediately seek advice from the police. If I wanted to I think I could do my dad on several counts. I’d prefer not to if possible:

-growing and selling cannabis

-malicious phone calls and emails (harassment)

-small claims for holding onto our things

-blackmail


If you’ve read this far thanks for reading. Any idea what I can do in this situation?


Could your husband and some of his friends go and collect his stuff in a car/van.
Your father is not abusive in the classic sense, where he is aware of doing it imo.
He is clearly unwell. And in desperate need of help
Until he acknowledges that nothing will change
His mother enables him. But I can understand why, although not condone
I don’t believe she’s been manipulated to sending you the message. I think she just really doesn’t want the stress that situation will cause
There’s no suggestion yet that your things will be held hostage. If the worst comes to the worst with that then ring the police
Perhaps you should get them as quickly as possible anyway and put them into storage.
You’re a married adult now, living away from home. You don’t need to see your dad right now at all
Until he hits rock bottom he probably won’t accept help

His problems are numerous. He clearly hasn’t had the right help to deal with the abuse, he’s paranoid from the drugs. He will in all probability feel worthless and that’s why he’s threatened by others earning more money etc.
Subconsciously he’s taking control of everything he can because in reality he’s overwhelmed by his total lack of control over everything he’s been through.
Step back until he’s in a position to ask for help.
Good luck
Reply 4
Original post by threeportdrift
Carrying a person's DNA doesn't give either them or you an inalienable obligation to keep in contact. Your father seems to have no redeeming features at all, especially when compared to his negative features, whereas you seem to have carved out a successful life and career despite your home life. What are the benefits of keeping in any contact with him whatsoever? What does he do for you that you can't do for yourself? Just move on in your life without him.


Thanks for your response.

Absolutely agree, he doesn't have any redeeming features and I've come to the conclusion it's much better to sever contact. As a kid I saw a better side of him at times but looking back everything seems a bit hazy. I think time has made his preexisting issues a lot worse than they once were--drugs have frazzled his brain.

Just don't know how to go about preventing further harassment (he continues to call and email my mum, which inevitably always leaves her stressed and fearful that he might do something with the house they share and are trying to sell). She also reports back to me every time (as he probably knows she will) as she can't keep it inside.

I feel my dad knows exactly what he is doing and is skilled in manipulation, turning everyone against me and having archives of old messages, recorded arguments etc. I fear there's no end to what he might do, i.e. trying to damage my career/other friendships by slandering me, throwing away our stuff.

Right now I'm mainly concerned about the safety of our stuff.

1. Do I pretend to go along with it and apologise yet again for something I haven't done, go there for a day and get a van to pick up all our stuff? Then send them all a joint message taking it back and explaining that was the only way to avoid blackmail? Let them know that I don't want to contact them anymore?

or

2. Just tell my grandma as it is:

"Hi grandma, we had just wanted to see you before leaving—had no desire to talk about dad as it’s a trauma I want to put behind me. Given that we won’t be here for a year or so I don’t think it’s good (my husband's) stuff being there—seems it will just be used as a bargaining chip. I think it’s best if we just come and pick it up to put it in storage elsewhere."

If I do the latter, is there any way (legally) they could confiscate my stuff/threaten not to give it back? My mum lives up north and my grandma down south, it's a bit of a trek to get there and none of my friends who have cars are around. We'd need to be sure of it and book an anyvan.
Original post by Anonymous
My main fear now is that our stuff (mainly my husband’s) is at my grandma’s, and it seems my dad and grandma might use this as a bargaining chip to force me to make friends with my dad.

I’m not sure whether to tell my grandma we are coming to pick it up, to turn up unannounced (that might be too aggressive but would avoid issues) or whether to immediately seek advice from the police. If I wanted to I think I could do my dad on several counts. I’d prefer not to if possible:

-growing and selling cannabis

-malicious phone calls and emails (harassment)

-small claims for holding onto our things

-blackmail


If you’ve read this far thanks for reading. Any idea what I can do in this situation?


Options: stay friendly until you can retrieve your stuff. Or forget the stuff and sever ties anyway. If it were me, I'd choose the 2nd.

What I don't get: Your dad has always been abusive and manipulative. He's treated you badly for a long time. Why do you stick with him and the relatives who take his side and bully you into going back to him? Why won't you walk away?
Original post by Anonymous
Looking for advice concerning father who I think is emotionally/verbally abusive, please keep anon or delete. Very long but I feel this needs a lot of background. Hope it makes sense and is not too disjointed—feeling very freaked about the entire situation and would appreciate advice.


Background

I am a 26 year old, married and not currently residing in the country—I’m currently a bit nomadic. My husband and I live here until April earlier this year as his student visa expired (he was doing his masters). We left some stuff with my grandma as we intend to apply for a visa to return in a year or two.

I graduated two years ago with a first class degree from a good university. I’ve since been freelance working for several magazines—not earning much and it’s irregular income but I’m slowly building a name for myself. I’m really happy living with my husband and enjoying moderate success; things haven’t always been like this though.

As a teenager I suffered from anorexia. No one, including myself, could understand why at the time. My parents were very liberal about what I did or didn’t do—it didn’t seem I had a lack of control. Around the same time, my dad came out as having been sexually abused as a child by his teacher. I understand this was awful for him but he has made it such a big part of his life now (victimising himself, demanding a safe space etc) that I don’t think his issues are just about the recollection of trauma.

Looking back, it seems I did. My dad has always been very controlling, but in a manner I only noticed once I left university. He often accuses people of doing things they haven’t done, then forces them to apologise. He doesn’t care about forgiveness, any feelings of contempt which might be building up; he just cares about having full control. I’ve been doing this (apologising for things I haven’t done) all my life and noticed that my mental health takes a turn for the worse whenever I am around my dad. It has also got a lot worse now he know longer has my mum (they divorced) at home as a punchbag.

Five years ago there was a big scandal at home. My grandma came to visit during the time where my parents were having huge arguments. My mum had discovered that my dad was gay (he was writing gay erotica and having online affairs).

Meanwhile, my grandma told my ex-partner “what I think he (her son/my dad) needs is to get a job.” It was sound advice—he thrives on conflict and takes drugs—a downward spiral probably worsened because he has so much free time to dwell on things. Of course my ex-partner reported back to me what she’d said, casually. My dad that same day started ranting to me about how everyone hates my mum, how she doesn’t do any work (she was working night shifts nursing while he did nothing but insult her and control/make claim of their finances). I said calmly, “well I’m not sure about that, your mum told (my ex partner) that you should get a job”. He went absolutely livid and asked her whether she said it, she denied it—so everything came back to me—they were both calling me a liar so in tears I called my grandma a liar. I think in truth she was just scared of my dad as she knew how argumentative he can be, but still a horrible situation. We all had a huge fallout, my grandma and dad portrayed me as the black sheep of the family to their side of the family.

Looking back I think this was the beginning of my dad’s attempts to scapegoat me. He started projecting onto me everything that he isn’t doing right in life: accusing me of living ‘a fake life’, of being a dropout (I write for magazines and get paid, got a first class degree—not sure I’d call that being a dropout), saying I’m “money-obsessed” (he got given money by his mum to come visit me during Erasmus and instead decided to save it, he is cheating my mum out of the house they co-own, he used to have explosive arguments with my mum over £1 and I am as a consequence of this perhaps indifferent about money and material things). He also keeps telling my grandma and others that being around me he is always walking on eggshells when it’s the opposite. Everyone is coming to blame me when he is the one being abusive.

My mum and I got a bit closer after this as I came to realise everything she’d been through—as a child I think I was a bit manipulated by my dad into blaming her for everything—she had been an alcoholic but I now see that it was because of the way he emotionally abused her—insulting her, telling her she was ugly and that he never loved her, controlling their finances, forcing her to apologise all the time.

Anyhow, I broke up with my ex-partner years back (not because of this situation) and slowly fell back into being “friends” with my grandma and dad. My dad in the meanwhile has had numerous affairs and found a new partner—someone who had also been abused as a child.


Recent situation


I called my dad regularly during the summer to tell him how things were going. He wrote me very strange messages during that period saying stuff like “you know, I miss you. I wouldn’t care if you were unambitious and just wanted to move back to the west country and work as a waitress,” in the meanwhile he called my mum and said I seemed depressed. She told him I seemed the happiest I had been in ages. And I am, I have an amazing spouse, I’m doing well career-wise, married my best friend, and I’m finally coming out of the black hole I had as a child at home.

Despite him seemingly being keen on having my company, these past few years I’ve been treading on egg shells whenever I go to visit him, or whenever he comes to see me. I’ve been really upset, and come to the conclusion (from not being at home, and through perhaps more objective observation of ex-partner and my husband) that the way he treats me is emotionally abusive.

I know he has been taking a lot of legal highs and other substances, not sure what. That probably doesn’t help.

He and his partner both use the traumatic experience of their pasts as an excuse for everything. I know trauma is horrible, but many people get through it without letting it ruin their lives/other peoples’ lives. Neither of them work; both keep victimising themselves to the point where they are competitive (His partner told me “(my dad) was not abused as much as I was” in an almost boastful tone) and both use it as a means of doing whatever they like, regardless of the consequences or hurt others around them will feel.

I love my grandma very much and obviously always have and will. The argument in the past with her was never really with her but with my dad. I know it’s hard not to stick up for your son regardless of his actions or the way he treats others, but sometimes I don’t think it does him any favours. I remember my granddad once told my mum something about how he always used to have the most vicious rows with my dad, and how grandma always stuck up for him whatever he did. That was the case with the argument five years ago.

I know now grandma has really become flexible with her principles in order to appease my dad, even growing weed in her house for him (according to my dad’s partner). Understandable that a mother acts like that toward her son, but I don’t think it’s helping him.

-I went up to visit my dad a few times a year since he moved back to the West Country. Both times I felt very bad—like I was falling back into mindset which started the anorexia I had as a teenager. —He was very controlling and always demanded an apology (for trivial things often/stuff I hadn’t done)—this is something he did when I was a child. I’ve thought a lot about this behavioural pattern, and read about it, and what I thought as a child was confirmed. This isn’t conflict resolution—it’s one person demanding a power trip over another person. No one gets personal resolution from an argument if the other forces their hand at saying “I’m sorry”, they only feel more and more contemptuous.

His partner even (in secret writing to me and my husband separately) has told us that my dad behaves like this with him too, and that he obviously has issues with controlling, abusive behaviour. He asked us to delete the conversation—we hadn’t but he has for fear that my dad will see it and go berserk.

-He has also been threatening me a lot in a controlling manner. I thought this was normal as a child, but it doesn’t seem normal now. My husband and I have been abroad this year, somewhat nomadic due to work. This visit to the UK was purely a medical and passport renewal visit. I needed complex surgery in the UK, my husband doesn’t have a UK residence visa yet so is here on a tourist visa. Our initial plan was to stay in Birmingham, where my surgery and consultation was. When I told dad I was coming to the UK he told me to come and stay with him—he kept saying that between he and my mum he would drive me around to all necessary appointments while my health is down. I reminded him that the distances were quite large but he was still adamant we come stay.

We did, and when I got there his friendly online attitude quickly changed. He often threatened my health appointments in order for me to behave as he wanted me to e.g. he said (three days before my appointment in Birmingham) “what is the exact address of the place where you’re having the consultation.” I was reading and said “hmm not sure, I’ll tell you tonight when I get on the computer. He responded quite aggressively “I’m not taking you unless you tell me right now!”. There were any more very trivial cases of this.

-He is extremely paranoid and seems to always think everyone is conspiring against him. I spoke to him all day for two days straight. The third day I said I better do some work now (I write freelance) and he got offended. He said in these words “no. I get it. I totally get it. You just don’t like me.” He wouldn’t let me work, read or do anything but listen to him. And I was really acting like I would with anyone and being nice and polite. And he was paranoid that anything I was doing other than talking to him (reading, socialising, working etc) was a personal slight.

When my husband arrived, we’d be talking and he’d interrupt with something completely irrelevant looking really spaced out/high on drugs and talk about it for 10 minutes non-stop. I eventually would give him a look, which he later described as an evil glare.

I had a friend come to visit, and he wouldn’t leave the room. He wanted to hang out with me and my friend as if he were another friend. He wouldn’t leave for an hour—it was supposed to be a private “girly” talk about her life. He always gets offended when he is unable to “hang out with the kids”, he has done this numerous times before e.g. wanting to come to my teenage parties, wanting to come to a Halloween party with me at university.

This is something which has been getting worse over the years, and I feel the worse it gets the more isolated I am from the family.

He told me and his partner (separately) “You have no respect for me because you are better educated, move in higher social circles and are now living in a totally different class financially.” This is obviously not true. I spoke with him a lot, called him a lot all summer and have come to visit as much as I can while living abroad.

-He gets set off by really trivial things. His partner told me explicitly “treat this flat like your own home, help yourself to anything in the fridge.” I used the oat milk (there were 10 cartons of it) to make hot chocolate one night, and my dad started receptively saying to me and my husband “try and use less oat milk”, “don’t use the oat milk”, “you’ve got to stop using the oat milk.” I can’t remember how many times he said it, but I found it a little embarrassing as it was the first real time my husband came around to visit, and I didn’t want him to think my dad was a bad host.

-The next time my dad said that to me in the kitchen, I replied in a quiet voice “alright, don’t get so OCD.” At this he got absolutely livid, shouting at me that I was using ableist language and that he wouldn’t take me to my consultation in Birmingham the following day anymore (for which we had already paid) if I didn’t apologise. He kept going on about it and shouting at me, my husband in the other room said he was genuinely scared. He also threw loads of really hurtful language at me, called me evil and other things. Among other things, dad said when my husband was present “you do realise ableist language is a lot worse than racist language, don’t you?” I thought this was very offensive as my husband, who is from an ethnic minority, l has felt the brunt of racism all his life, but didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to further provoke things. I eventually had to apologise for using ableist language and offending him or he would not have brought us to the health consultation which I really needed to attend.

-He provokes through shouting hateful things like “everybody hates you, your cousins and aunty and uncle hate you,” and “I had a horoscope done before you were born and it said you would be evil, I didn’t want to believe it but now I know it’s true,” then goes quiet and records my response secretly—evidently me crying and retaliating. He has a library of recordings from arguments with his partner too and probably others. I know this does not help with conflict resolution, and is also illegal. When not recording he really shouts you down and does not listen. Obviously a 5 minute recording is hardly representative of an argument that goes on for hours or days.

-I keep getting harassed by him with hateful words. My dad keeps calling my mum on the pretence of talking about the house, but then slandering me. He has also sent her many emails. He has also since told my mum that he now dislikes my husband and that he is “devious”. He has been sending horrible messages to me through his partner’s account and doing petty things like setting my Netflix account to “for little kids only.” I asked him to please leave me alone as he keeps harassing me, but he still keeps demanding an apology.

-Since recalling his abuse he labels everyone else in his life as being abusive. He says this when he is the instigator of most, if not all arguments.

He obviously has some issues beyond being abused as a child. The drugs probably make it a lot worse.

-I wrote to my auntie a few weeks back with a plea for help, asking whether we could correspond in confidentiality (she agreed) and telling her about my dad’s behaviour. She said she resonated with a lot of what I said and wanted to help, but then went and told my grandma who told my dad.

I know my grandma wants us to be friends and reports back to him everything I am doing, but I really would prefer she wouldn’t as it always comes back to me. She does always make allowances for him, naturally, but I don’t think she understands the seriousness of his behaviour.

I’m 5 weeks on from surgery and we’re planning on leaving the country in December—we had planned on visiting my grandma for a few days as we won’t return to the country for a year. My dad called my mum to tell her that my grandma “is scared of me and so is everyone else in the family”, he emailed me the following—intent on seeming diplomatic, end it with Think we should at least be talking - if not actual friends - before you visit your grandma. Otherwise I foresee difficulties.” It does feel like a silent threat—he also emailed my husband, again aiming for diplomacy saying stuff like “as a child she did not have these issues” and threatening that if I went to see my grandma I’d likely face “a hostile environment”. He says my auntie has “made up her own opinion based solely on the contents of my email”.

My grandma just wrote to me with the following:

I really hate doing this but I think it best to cancel or postpone your visit to me until you are at least conversing with your Dad. He is very upset as am I, it doesn't bode well for a happy visit. I don't want to be walking on eggshells afraid of you or me mentioning his name.

As I have said before I love you but cannot stand seeing (my son) so traumatised and unhappy. Let's hope it is soon it is resolved xxxI feel she has been manipulated into saying these things. Figured out I’m still the scapegoat and whatever I say will be used against me—a plea for help, silence, wanting to come visit my grandma.

I have decided based on the increasing abuse in these past years that I should sever ties with my family—that’s what these articles say too. I think he has something like a narcissistic personality type and lacks empathy—he’s also really good at manipulation. If I stay in touch with the family they will only bring down my self-esteem more, blame all their issues on me and act like I’m “the problem child” when if anything, I’m the only one in this side of the family who has got my life together.

My main fear now is that our stuff (mainly my husband’s) is at my grandma’s, and it seems my dad and grandma might use this as a bargaining chip to force me to make friends with my dad.

I’m not sure whether to tell my grandma we are coming to pick it up, to turn up unannounced (that might be too aggressive but would avoid issues) or whether to immediately seek advice from the police. If I wanted to I think I could do my dad on several counts. I’d prefer not to if possible:

-growing and selling cannabis

-malicious phone calls and emails (harassment)

-small claims for holding onto our things

-blackmail


If you’ve read this far thanks for reading. Any idea what I can do in this situation?


my god ok so each highlighted bit in bold will be corresponding to each line i write below

1. Classic victim playing making himself the centre of everyone else's world and being really pathetic and just annoying in general.
2.So another Narc(cissist) tactic good ol gaslighting. The reason your mum left was probably because she realised his bull and didn't want no more of it, so she left and now that she's gone, someone else has to take the brunt of the bull and take in all the complaining being a scapegoat and being beaten down.
3. You're spot on, projecting and also extreme jealously of what you could do but he could never do. All it is, it simply plain jealously. All the "eggshell stuff" you know yourself if you're wrong or not. All this seemingly pathetic loser can do is blame others for his own problems.
4. If there's any contact you should ever keep, it's your mum in this case. She's been through it, you're going through it and hopefully no more, you'll have a real good family member, spend time and invest it with your mum.
5.He's realising his pile of wood is escaping so he needs to light someone up and berate and burn them so he can fulfil his disgusting beating other people down "needs". He's trying to bait, don't reply. Clearly your happier when your'e not with him, so be free from him more NC(no contact or very low contact VLC) is clearly the right choice.
6.Disgusting victim mentality trying to feed himself with attention.
7.What so it's a competition to see who had it worse? If it's like that was he really abused that bad? or even abused at all? These narc man , they lie and do whatever possible to keep attention on them high as anything.
8. Enablers are usually just as bad or worse than narcs themselves because they hurt the most when you trust. Perhaps a flying monkey too?(working for the narc) In any case stay away from anyone who's willing to help this horrible person called your dad
9.Screenshot that and upload it somewhere private so they're never lost, so you always have the proof of what a looney he is, plus it's something you can use against him.
10. Also tying in with more victim mentality and trying to keep all eyes on him.
11. More attention seeking
12. Don't let him, it's your life you can do what you want with your life. Now he's trying to live the life he never had.
13. All they want to do is control you and feed off of you and your use to them as a scapegoat, don't be, cut them off and they'll be willing to do anything to get you back, don't take the bait ever for any occasion because it hurts you in some way be it health etc.
14. Just another narc tendency, literally trying to find whatever they can just to take a big stinking **** on you to make themselves feel better. But no, let your husband see your weak pathetic husk of a person your father is, no need to hide someone who does bad things. Let the world know who they truly are. Don't cover up for your dad.
15. Haha can't even take 1 hit clearly a glass cannon, you can keep winding him up like this if it amuses you just remember to walk away and calm yourself down after some fun with it, don't internalise the **** he says.
16. Again with the victim mentality trying to get more attention and get people to give him the sympathy he believes he deserves.
17. Still with the horrible spiteful human he is, remember if he's trying to frame you and make you look like the bad person, you can play this game too. Record it all. Everything, don't slip up even if your emotions are at an alltime high. Remember you want to show the world what a horrible person this human who calls himself your father is. Remember it's not a illegal to record a crime, abuse is a crime.
18. So he's trying to turn your mum into a flying monkey to work for him, just tell her to not believe him and ask her to remember the things he did to her. Remind her that she doesn't need anymore bs from this toxic person. I'm sure that you can take this to the police if the harassing issue continues.
19.Of course wanting his cake and eating it too, he can't have everything so eventually he'll push anyone who can think for themselves away, he'll die a lonely old man and the nightmare will be over, that's the best case.
20. Oh ****. don't message or ever reach out to this auntie for "help" they're a fling monkey enabler and will keep on hurting you and enable the abuse to continue, stop the contact with this person now.
21. No, no no. she does not truly in her heart want to be friends, she literally wants to either save her own skin by dragging you into this or do this for the fun of it or some evil reason like that. Just like your auntie she's a flying monkey and enabler stop contact with her. You health is more important than "respect for your elders" which they haven't earned anyway. You can respect someone if you're ill and not healthy, it's just not right to bash someone who's down already.
22. Don't visit spare yourself the hassle and hurt from doing it, seriously just don't go, think about how much happier you will be without those toxic sludge piles in your life. I'm certain she's playing along to his tune and definitely an enabler and flying monkey. Liars the bunch of them.
23. No, do not talk think about this, the only thing lost in this if you don't talk to him and communicate with him is that he loses his narc supply(you) and in the end your happier anyway, what is there to lose? It's not like leaving behind an abusive past and toxic person is bad for you.
24. Now he's trying to turn your husband against, you remind him however you can that your dad is a bad person even if you have to tell your husband that your dad is trying to turn him against you. Of course like i said auntie and grandma are enablers and flying monkeys, even perhaps narcs themselves.
25. So this makes me think that she's trying to make you go back into the abusive environment you're in, why would you ever hurt yourself? Don't do it think logically before you do something that involves these horrible people.
26. Remember this is bait and she's trying to get your dad his n supply(you) don't let it happen, you have free will to do what you want, just don't visit him or contact him or reply to him, keep him in the dark about everything about you, it'll keep him trying and struggling a futile battle trying to get you to be his scapegoat again.
27. They are right, NC(no contact) is the way to go, there are only benefits from there on out. Just remember to block out all those horrible people from your life as much as possible social media for example.
28.So there's a few things you can do, you can try and collect it, announce it so that they'll be happy they'll be getting their supply back and start scheming(if you do this remember to hide any info of where you live etc so they can't keep contacting you. You can also turn up unannounced and declare it a surprise and say you want to reform bonds with your dad(ew) and simply just collect your stuff and go never again. Or you could try and keep recording and call the police if you need to while you're there collecting your stuff. Don't ever be afraid to "lose" your dad to jail, because the world don't need more people like them. The best i can say is collect evidence and use it against them so the world is that tiny bit safer. If collecting them is necessary of course. If t's not then you can re buy all the stuff you had with due time :smile:


Final advice.
Dad is just a label it's what people do is what defines them.
Abusing your kids because you were abused yourself is no excuse, simply because the person to your right hit you does not mean you have the right to hit the person to your right.
Don't ever burn yourself to keep others warm
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks for your response.

Absolutely agree, he doesn't have any redeeming features and I've come to the conclusion it's much better to sever contact. As a kid I saw a better side of him at times but looking back everything seems a bit hazy. I think time has made his preexisting issues a lot worse than they once were--drugs have frazzled his brain.

Just don't know how to go about preventing further harassment (he continues to call and email my mum, which inevitably always leaves her stressed and fearful that he might do something with the house they share and are trying to sell). She also reports back to me every time (as he probably knows she will) as she can't keep it inside.

I feel my dad knows exactly what he is doing and is skilled in manipulation, turning everyone against me and having archives of old messages, recorded arguments etc. I fear there's no end to what he might do, i.e. trying to damage my career/other friendships by slandering me, throwing away our stuff.

Right now I'm mainly concerned about the safety of our stuff.

1. Do I pretend to go along with it and apologise yet again for something I haven't done, go there for a day and get a van to pick up all our stuff? Then send them all a joint message taking it back and explaining that was the only way to avoid blackmail? Let them know that I don't want to contact them anymore?

or

2. Just tell my grandma as it is:

"Hi grandma, we had just wanted to see you before leaving—had no desire to talk about dad as it’s a trauma I want to put behind me. Given that we won’t be here for a year or so I don’t think it’s good (my husband's) stuff being there—seems it will just be used as a bargaining chip. I think it’s best if we just come and pick it up to put it in storage elsewhere."

If I do the latter, is there any way (legally) they could confiscate my stuff/threaten not to give it back? My mum lives up north and my grandma down south, it's a bit of a trek to get there and none of my friends who have cars are around. We'd need to be sure of it and book an anyvan.


A person who would ever do this is not someone you'd ever want to be around or was ever most likely a good person in the first place.

No contact(nc) is the best option, privatise your social media things if you have to, don't ever give them any info about where you live etc and tell your mum what i've told you. He's an evil malicious toxic person that she doesn't need in her life. She's be ultimately better off without him.

SInce the grandma isn't actually a proper narc i don't think just an enabler and flying monkey then you can bait her and trick her to get your stuff and what you need. Remember that she'll probably tell your dad so you'll need to prepare for that and think what you'll say and do. Set boundaries, that's good info. You set the conditions for the connecting between you and your dad if you want to do that. As long as those conditions hold it's fine other than that you must firmly put your foot down and tell him until his behaviour improves then you 2 can't connect.

A good phrase to use is "I'm sorry you feel that way, but i guess it's can't be helped" turn the tables on them now :P
Reply 8
Original post by Sammylou40
Your father is not abusive in the classic sense, where he is aware of doing it imo.
He is clearly unwell. And in desperate need of help
Until he acknowledges that nothing will change
His mother enables him. But I can understand why, although not condone
I don’t believe she’s been manipulated to sending you the message. I think she just really doesn’t want the stress that situation will cause
There’s no suggestion yet that your things will be held hostage. If the worst comes to the worst with that then ring the police
Perhaps you should get them as quickly as possible anyway and put them into storage.
You’re a married adult now, living away from home. You don’t need to see your dad right now at all
Until he hits rock bottom he probably won’t accept help

His problems are numerous. He clearly hasn’t had the right help to deal with the abuse, he’s paranoid from the drugs. He will in all probability feel worthless and that’s why he’s threatened by others earning more money etc.
Subconsciously he’s taking control of everything he can because in reality he’s overwhelmed by his total lack of control over everything he’s been through.
Step back until he’s in a position to ask for help.
Good luck


Thanks for taking the time to read and offering your advice--this is really helpful and a pretty good analysis of the whole situation.

Thing is, my grandma was keen for us to come until he told her more stuff (no idea what), she slowly over the past couple of weeks started coming out with stuff like "I don't want to be walking on eggshells when you come" and "I don't think you should come until you are at least conversing with your dad". I had never put across the idea that I would do so--I just wanted to see her before leaving the country for a year or two.

I too understand why she would enable him to be the way she is--she has unconditional love for her son. It hurts though that she doesn't seem to have the same infinite understanding for me when I have done nothing wrong here.

A lot of what he does also seems very calculated--though evidently that is also because he is unwell--be it directly as a result of trauma or something unconnected. In the past my grandma almost disowned him when he came out; I think she still feels a lot of guilt and he a lot of insecurity. I think the issue is that by focusing always on his sexual abuse trauma he never comes to terms with/has been diagnosed with anything like narcissistic personality disorder.

The drugs can't help and I do feel sorry for him in a sense--like you say he will probably be feeling very low about all this and perhaps not quite understanding what it is he has done. Still, I'm not sure how much I can do/should do to help; I really don't want to be more involved more than I have been, for the sake of my own mental health. I fear though that the moment he does reach rock bottom will be the moment he commits suicide. I am not sure if there is anything I can do to prevent that--his mother is in denial about his issues and to remind her of them would only be used against me.

I will take a step back if and when we get our stuff out of there. Do you think I should step back from my grandma too?

In the hypothetical situation that our things were held hostage, would the police actually be able to help? It hasn't explicitly been said yet but it has been implied. We do want to go down there and get our stuff asap, but my mum's house is up north and my grandma lives down south. We'd have to book a van collection so I would have plan this with my grandma.

Thanks again for your support.
Reply 9
Original post by ThePricklyOne
Options: stay friendly until you can retrieve your stuff. Or forget the stuff and sever ties anyway. If it were me, I'd choose the 2nd.

What I don't get: Your dad has always been abusive and manipulative. He's treated you badly for a long time. Why do you stick with him and the relatives who take his side and bully you into going back to him? Why won't you walk away?


I'm ready to walk away now.

Thing is it's everything my husband owns--really valuable stuff--a fender guitar, bass, clothes, electronics etc. We really need it back.
Original post by Anonymous
Thanks for taking the time to read and offering your advice--this is really helpful and a pretty good analysis of the whole situation.

Thing is, my grandma was keen for us to come until he told her more stuff (no idea what), she slowly over the past couple of weeks started coming out with stuff like "I don't want to be walking on eggshells when you come" and "I don't think you should come until you are at least conversing with your dad". I had never put across the idea that I would do so--I just wanted to see her before leaving the country for a year or two.

I too understand why she would enable him to be the way she is--she has unconditional love for her son. It hurts though that she doesn't seem to have the same infinite understanding for me when I have done nothing wrong here.

A lot of what he does also seems very calculated--though evidently that is also because he is unwell--be it directly as a result of trauma or something unconnected. In the past my grandma almost disowned him when he came out; I think she still feels a lot of guilt and he a lot of insecurity. I think the issue is that by focusing always on his sexual abuse trauma he never comes to terms with/has been diagnosed with anything like narcissistic personality disorder.

The drugs can't help and I do feel sorry for him in a sense--like you say he will probably be feeling very low about all this and perhaps not quite understanding what it is he has done. Still, I'm not sure how much I can do/should do to help; I really don't want to be more involved more than I have been, for the sake of my own mental health. I fear though that the moment he does reach rock bottom will be the moment he commits suicide. I am not sure if there is anything I can do to prevent that--his mother is in denial about his issues and to remind her of them would only be used against me.

I will take a step back if and when we get our stuff out of there. Do you think I should step back from my grandma too?

In the hypothetical situation that our things were held hostage, would the police actually be able to help? It hasn't explicitly been said yet but it has been implied. We do want to go down there and get our stuff asap, but my mum's house is up north and my grandma lives down south. We'd have to book a van collection so I would have plan this with my grandma.

Thanks again for your support.


No problem.
I’m not certain with the police. I think you can ask them to accompany you to prevent a breach of the peace.
For the sake of your own health I think you should try not to worry about what may happen to your dad. There is nothing you can do until and if something happens. That will be difficult I know.
You should certainly stay in touch with your grandma. You love each other. Does she have a mobile or email?
You could send her emails giving her all your news every now and then. If she replies, I’m sure she will, you can then respond to her ignoring any mention of dad.
You’ll take the pressure off you both that way.
When it comes to your dad, drop him a text every now and then. Tell him where you are and what you’re doing. You can ignore any attention seeking or controlling comments. Of course it will hurt you if he does but he won’t know that he’s getting a reaction.
I think that’s what I would be doing for now at least.
I understand its very easy for me to say. I have never been in any sort of similar situation. My father was the most wonderful man. My hero. He died 9 years ago and I’d give my left leg to spend one more day with him. I’m just trying to advise from the outside looking in.
Try to protect yourself as much as possible whilst maintaining some relationship. That way, whatever happens, you can always look back and know that you did the absolute best that you could and therefore carry no guilt
Original post by Volibear
I don't mean to diagnose but I suggest looking up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and all the lovely articles written about children whose parents have NPD. You may or may not somewhat relate.

I repeat though, I am NOT trying to diagnose.


I'm pretty sure it just describes someone with these tendencies, regardless of the kind of relationship:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder
Original post by Anonymous
I'm ready to walk away now.

Thing is it's everything my husband owns--really valuable stuff--a fender guitar, bass, clothes, electronics etc. We really need it back.


Your husband's stuff is in your gran's house so its her, not your dad you need to deal with.

Turn up when you know your gran's in. Have a van parked close by. Have a trolley. If both of you can come, this can be done quicker. Spend some time talking to her and even say nice things about your dad. hen you find a convenient moment (when things are going on well between you) say you need to move your stuff. While you keep talking to her, your husband can start moving his things out. Continue until everything's in the van. Then say your goodbyes, give gran a present and a hug (if it doesn't seem awkward), and drive off.

Later on, you may want to visit your gran. But it will be on your terms. Good luck.
I would make it very clear that no matter what happens you are going to get your husbands stuff back. You have put up with more than enough from your Dads side of life.
If needs be upset them and walk away for good. You sound like you deserve more than the poision you have to put up with.

Good luck, and stay strong.
Original post by Fatsteve
I would make it very clear that no matter what happens you are going to get your husbands stuff back. You have put up with more than enough from your Dads side of life.
If needs be upset them and walk away for good. You sound like you deserve more than the poision you have to put up with.

Good luck, and stay strong.


Thanks for the support. Yeah I will do my best.

Decided against pretending to apologise yet again and sent my grandma the following:

"Hi grandma, I’m sorry you feel that way, but I guess it can’t be helped. We had just wanted to see you before leaving as I love you too—had no desire to talk about dad as it’s a trauma I want to put behind me. Given that we won’t be here for a year or so I don’t think it’s good (my husband's) stuff being there—seems it will just be used as a bargaining chip and that’s not fair on him. I think it’s best if we just come and pick it up to put it in storage elsewhere. Let me know when suits. Xx"

Really hoping we get it and don't have to put up with more ****.

If they do try and turn it into a bargaining chip as has been implied, what options do we have?

I have to thank will'o'wisp2 to suggesting that opening line.
So as mentioned above contacted my grandma, she seems okay with us picking up the stuff, fingers crossed she'll stay that way.

I now feel a bit torn: do I keep up some contact in order to prevent my dad from really hitting rock bottom and potentially topping himself, or do I just get out of it so as not to risk damaging my own mental health?

If I were to do the former it would just be as Sammylou40 suggested--the other note to let my dad and grandma know I'm okay but nothing beyond that...
Original post by Volibear
I don't mean to diagnose but I suggest looking up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and all the lovely articles written about children whose parents have NPD. You may or may not somewhat relate.

I repeat though, I am NOT trying to diagnose.


Sorry you’re spot on, completely missed your point as I’m so tired! It definitely is narcissistic personality disorder, no idea how that can be diagnosed as the narcissist is unable to recognise it in themself—let alone seek treatment for it.
Original post by Anonymous
Looking for advice concerning father who I think is emotionally/verbally abusive, please keep anon or delete. Very long but I feel this needs a lot of background. Hope it makes sense and is not too disjointed—feeling very freaked about the entire situation and would appreciate advice.


Background

I am a 26 year old, married and not currently residing in the country—I’m currently a bit nomadic. My husband and I live here until April earlier this year as his student visa expired (he was doing his masters). We left some stuff with my grandma as we intend to apply for a visa to return in a year or two.

I graduated two years ago with a first class degree from a good university. I’ve since been freelance working for several magazines—not earning much and it’s irregular income but I’m slowly building a name for myself. I’m really happy living with my husband and enjoying moderate success; things haven’t always been like this though.

As a teenager I suffered from anorexia. No one, including myself, could understand why at the time. My parents were very liberal about what I did or didn’t do—it didn’t seem I had a lack of control. Around the same time, my dad came out as having been sexually abused as a child by his teacher. I understand this was awful for him but he has made it such a big part of his life now (victimising himself, demanding a safe space etc) that I don’t think his issues are just about the recollection of trauma.

Looking back, it seems I did. My dad has always been very controlling, but in a manner I only noticed once I left university. He often accuses people of doing things they haven’t done, then forces them to apologise. He doesn’t care about forgiveness, any feelings of contempt which might be building up; he just cares about having full control. I’ve been doing this (apologising for things I haven’t done) all my life and noticed that my mental health takes a turn for the worse whenever I am around my dad. It has also got a lot worse now he know longer has my mum (they divorced) at home as a punchbag.

Five years ago there was a big scandal at home. My grandma came to visit during the time where my parents were having huge arguments. My mum had discovered that my dad was gay (he was writing gay erotica and having online affairs).

Meanwhile, my grandma told my ex-partner “what I think he (her son/my dad) needs is to get a job.” It was sound advice—he thrives on conflict and takes drugs—a downward spiral probably worsened because he has so much free time to dwell on things. Of course my ex-partner reported back to me what she’d said, casually. My dad that same day started ranting to me about how everyone hates my mum, how she doesn’t do any work (she was working night shifts nursing while he did nothing but insult her and control/make claim of their finances). I said calmly, “well I’m not sure about that, your mum told (my ex partner) that you should get a job”. He went absolutely livid and asked her whether she said it, she denied it—so everything came back to me—they were both calling me a liar so in tears I called my grandma a liar. I think in truth she was just scared of my dad as she knew how argumentative he can be, but still a horrible situation. We all had a huge fallout, my grandma and dad portrayed me as the black sheep of the family to their side of the family.

Looking back I think this was the beginning of my dad’s attempts to scapegoat me. He started projecting onto me everything that he isn’t doing right in life: accusing me of living ‘a fake life’, of being a dropout (I write for magazines and get paid, got a first class degree—not sure I’d call that being a dropout), saying I’m “money-obsessed” (he got given money by his mum to come visit me during Erasmus and instead decided to save it, he is cheating my mum out of the house they co-own, he used to have explosive arguments with my mum over £1 and I am as a consequence of this perhaps indifferent about money and material things). He also keeps telling my grandma and others that being around me he is always walking on eggshells when it’s the opposite. Everyone is coming to blame me when he is the one being abusive.

My mum and I got a bit closer after this as I came to realise everything she’d been through—as a child I think I was a bit manipulated by my dad into blaming her for everything—she had been an alcoholic but I now see that it was because of the way he emotionally abused her—insulting her, telling her she was ugly and that he never loved her, controlling their finances, forcing her to apologise all the time.

Anyhow, I broke up with my ex-partner years back (not because of this situation) and slowly fell back into being “friends” with my grandma and dad. My dad in the meanwhile has had numerous affairs and found a new partner—someone who had also been abused as a child.


Recent situation


I called my dad regularly during the summer to tell him how things were going. He wrote me very strange messages during that period saying stuff like “you know, I miss you. I wouldn’t care if you were unambitious and just wanted to move back to the west country and work as a waitress,” in the meanwhile he called my mum and said I seemed depressed. She told him I seemed the happiest I had been in ages. And I am, I have an amazing spouse, I’m doing well career-wise, married my best friend, and I’m finally coming out of the black hole I had as a child at home.

Despite him seemingly being keen on having my company, these past few years I’ve been treading on egg shells whenever I go to visit him, or whenever he comes to see me. I’ve been really upset, and come to the conclusion (from not being at home, and through perhaps more objective observation of ex-partner and my husband) that the way he treats me is emotionally abusive.

I know he has been taking a lot of legal highs and other substances, not sure what. That probably doesn’t help.

He and his partner both use the traumatic experience of their pasts as an excuse for everything. I know trauma is horrible, but many people get through it without letting it ruin their lives/other peoples’ lives. Neither of them work; both keep victimising themselves to the point where they are competitive (His partner told me “(my dad) was not abused as much as I was” in an almost boastful tone) and both use it as a means of doing whatever they like, regardless of the consequences or hurt others around them will feel.

I love my grandma very much and obviously always have and will. The argument in the past with her was never really with her but with my dad. I know it’s hard not to stick up for your son regardless of his actions or the way he treats others, but sometimes I don’t think it does him any favours. I remember my granddad once told my mum something about how he always used to have the most vicious rows with my dad, and how grandma always stuck up for him whatever he did. That was the case with the argument five years ago.

I know now grandma has really become flexible with her principles in order to appease my dad, even growing weed in her house for him (according to my dad’s partner). Understandable that a mother acts like that toward her son, but I don’t think it’s helping him.

-I went up to visit my dad a few times a year since he moved back to the West Country. Both times I felt very bad—like I was falling back into mindset which started the anorexia I had as a teenager. —He was very controlling and always demanded an apology (for trivial things often/stuff I hadn’t done)—this is something he did when I was a child. I’ve thought a lot about this behavioural pattern, and read about it, and what I thought as a child was confirmed. This isn’t conflict resolution—it’s one person demanding a power trip over another person. No one gets personal resolution from an argument if the other forces their hand at saying “I’m sorry”, they only feel more and more contemptuous.

His partner even (in secret writing to me and my husband separately) has told us that my dad behaves like this with him too, and that he obviously has issues with controlling, abusive behaviour. He asked us to delete the conversation—we hadn’t but he has for fear that my dad will see it and go berserk.

-He has also been threatening me a lot in a controlling manner. I thought this was normal as a child, but it doesn’t seem normal now. My husband and I have been abroad this year, somewhat nomadic due to work. This visit to the UK was purely a medical and passport renewal visit. I needed complex surgery in the UK, my husband doesn’t have a UK residence visa yet so is here on a tourist visa. Our initial plan was to stay in Birmingham, where my surgery and consultation was. When I told dad I was coming to the UK he told me to come and stay with him—he kept saying that between he and my mum he would drive me around to all necessary appointments while my health is down. I reminded him that the distances were quite large but he was still adamant we come stay.

We did, and when I got there his friendly online attitude quickly changed. He often threatened my health appointments in order for me to behave as he wanted me to e.g. he said (three days before my appointment in Birmingham) “what is the exact address of the place where you’re having the consultation.” I was reading and said “hmm not sure, I’ll tell you tonight when I get on the computer. He responded quite aggressively “I’m not taking you unless you tell me right now!”. There were any more very trivial cases of this.

-He is extremely paranoid and seems to always think everyone is conspiring against him. I spoke to him all day for two days straight. The third day I said I better do some work now (I write freelance) and he got offended. He said in these words “no. I get it. I totally get it. You just don’t like me.” He wouldn’t let me work, read or do anything but listen to him. And I was really acting like I would with anyone and being nice and polite. And he was paranoid that anything I was doing other than talking to him (reading, socialising, working etc) was a personal slight.

When my husband arrived, we’d be talking and he’d interrupt with something completely irrelevant looking really spaced out/high on drugs and talk about it for 10 minutes non-stop. I eventually would give him a look, which he later described as an evil glare.

I had a friend come to visit, and he wouldn’t leave the room. He wanted to hang out with me and my friend as if he were another friend. He wouldn’t leave for an hour—it was supposed to be a private “girly” talk about her life. He always gets offended when he is unable to “hang out with the kids”, he has done this numerous times before e.g. wanting to come to my teenage parties, wanting to come to a Halloween party with me at university.

This is something which has been getting worse over the years, and I feel the worse it gets the more isolated I am from the family.

He told me and his partner (separately) “You have no respect for me because you are better educated, move in higher social circles and are now living in a totally different class financially.” This is obviously not true. I spoke with him a lot, called him a lot all summer and have come to visit as much as I can while living abroad.

-He gets set off by really trivial things. His partner told me explicitly “treat this flat like your own home, help yourself to anything in the fridge.” I used the oat milk (there were 10 cartons of it) to make hot chocolate one night, and my dad started receptively saying to me and my husband “try and use less oat milk”, “don’t use the oat milk”, “you’ve got to stop using the oat milk.” I can’t remember how many times he said it, but I found it a little embarrassing as it was the first real time my husband came around to visit, and I didn’t want him to think my dad was a bad host.

-The next time my dad said that to me in the kitchen, I replied in a quiet voice “alright, don’t get so OCD.” At this he got absolutely livid, shouting at me that I was using ableist language and that he wouldn’t take me to my consultation in Birmingham the following day anymore (for which we had already paid) if I didn’t apologise. He kept going on about it and shouting at me, my husband in the other room said he was genuinely scared. He also threw loads of really hurtful language at me, called me evil and other things. Among other things, dad said when my husband was present “you do realise ableist language is a lot worse than racist language, don’t you?” I thought this was very offensive as my husband, who is from an ethnic minority, l has felt the brunt of racism all his life, but didn’t say anything as I didn’t want to further provoke things. I eventually had to apologise for using ableist language and offending him or he would not have brought us to the health consultation which I really needed to attend.

-He provokes through shouting hateful things like “everybody hates you, your cousins and aunty and uncle hate you,” and “I had a horoscope done before you were born and it said you would be evil, I didn’t want to believe it but now I know it’s true,” then goes quiet and records my response secretly—evidently me crying and retaliating. He has a library of recordings from arguments with his partner too and probably others. I know this does not help with conflict resolution, and is also illegal. When not recording he really shouts you down and does not listen. Obviously a 5 minute recording is hardly representative of an argument that goes on for hours or days.

-I keep getting harassed by him with hateful words. My dad keeps calling my mum on the pretence of talking about the house, but then slandering me. He has also sent her many emails. He has also since told my mum that he now dislikes my husband and that he is “devious”. He has been sending horrible messages to me through his partner’s account and doing petty things like setting my Netflix account to “for little kids only.” I asked him to please leave me alone as he keeps harassing me, but he still keeps demanding an apology.

-Since recalling his abuse he labels everyone else in his life as being abusive. He says this when he is the instigator of most, if not all arguments.

He obviously has some issues beyond being abused as a child. The drugs probably make it a lot worse.

-I wrote to my auntie a few weeks back with a plea for help, asking whether we could correspond in confidentiality (she agreed) and telling her about my dad’s behaviour. She said she resonated with a lot of what I said and wanted to help, but then went and told my grandma who told my dad.

I know my grandma wants us to be friends and reports back to him everything I am doing, but I really would prefer she wouldn’t as it always comes back to me. She does always make allowances for him, naturally, but I don’t think she understands the seriousness of his behaviour.

I’m 5 weeks on from surgery and we’re planning on leaving the country in December—we had planned on visiting my grandma for a few days as we won’t return to the country for a year. My dad called my mum to tell her that my grandma “is scared of me and so is everyone else in the family”, he emailed me the following—intent on seeming diplomatic, end it with “Think we should at least be talking - if not actual friends - before you visit your grandma. Otherwise I foresee difficulties.” It does feel like a silent threat—he also emailed my husband, again aiming for diplomacy saying stuff like “as a child she did not have these issues” and threatening that if I went to see my grandma I’d likely face “a hostile environment”. He says my auntie has “made up her own opinion based solely on the contents of my email”.

My grandma just wrote to me with the following:

I really hate doing this but I think it best to cancel or postpone your visit to me until you are at least conversing with your Dad. He is very upset as am I, it doesn't bode well for a happy visit. I don't want to be walking on eggshells afraid of you or me mentioning his name.

As I have said before I love you but cannot stand seeing (my son) so traumatised and unhappy. Let's hope it is soon it is resolved xxxI feel she has been manipulated into saying these things. Figured out I’m still the scapegoat and whatever I say will be used against me—a plea for help, silence, wanting to come visit my grandma.

I have decided based on the increasing abuse in these past years that I should sever ties with my family—that’s what these articles say too. I think he has something like a narcissistic personality type and lacks empathy—he’s also really good at manipulation. If I stay in touch with the family they will only bring down my self-esteem more, blame all their issues on me and act like I’m “the problem child” when if anything, I’m the only one in this side of the family who has got my life together.

My main fear now is that our stuff (mainly my husband’s) is at my grandma’s, and it seems my dad and grandma might use this as a bargaining chip to force me to make friends with my dad.

I’m not sure whether to tell my grandma we are coming to pick it up, to turn up unannounced (that might be too aggressive but would avoid issues) or whether to immediately seek advice from the police. If I wanted to I think I could do my dad on several counts. I’d prefer not to if possible:

-growing and selling cannabis

-malicious phone calls and emails (harassment)

-small claims for holding onto our things

-blackmail


If you’ve read this far thanks for reading. Any idea what I can do in this situation?



My father does the similar thing so i kinda understand. I dont talk to me father and if i do mostly ends up in quarrels. Your father is really extreme and needs so psycological help. It would really help him. N u r not obliged to contact him as his words in the worst scenario, may strain your relations with your husband. I know the feeling of doing whatever he says because u dont want it to get worse. But its better to stand up as u dont want to become even more psychologically hurt than you are right now. Im not a professional to give an advice but i really hope this situation becomes better:smile:
Original post by Volibear
I'm by no means an expert but I think it's one of those things where the diagnosis comes through the victims seeking treatment. The person themselves may never know about or accept it but the people they have affected will.


My dad is so extreme that I can't ever imagine that happening--he has got himself into a position where he victimises himself so much and shifts the blame onto everyone else--he can never understand that he is in the wrong.Would it help to tell him straight that I think that he has narcissistic personality disorder, and that I think he should get help for it or else I'll find it hard to have a relationship with him?

Really hard as anything I say is used against me.
Original post by Volibear
I personally would advise against that. By the way you've described him, if you said that to him I feel like you would destroy any chance of having a relationship with him. Plus he'd deny it and try to blame you or someone else in return. Get yourself out of this toxic situation. Parents shouldn't be like that and you know it. Any potential relationship has to initiated by him because you have given far too much to this and have received abuse in return.


Thanks, that makes sense. I feel sorry for him (perhaps shouldn't) in case like Sammylou says he really feels self-loathing underneath it all. Still no excuse to treat his daughter like this.

My dad keeps pestering my husband via social media (he can't reach me as I've blocked him), trying to paint me as the one with issues. My husband didn't reply yet--should he? Even if just to say "no my wife doesn't have issues. Please stop harassing her." My husband thankfully sees through him and is pretty sure that my dad is a psychopath...

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