BF wants to contact EX! Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
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Do you guys think it's alright if your boyfriend/girlfriend were to contact their ex and maintain a friendship with that person? Even though the two of you were 'serious'? I'm kinda going through this right now with my boyfriend... He told me that he feels he owe's it to her (ex) that she know he has moved on and is "no longer available"! He also wants to remain close to her and still be good friends who can talk reguarly.

My problem with this is she was his first love (his words) and he has told me on multiple occasions how deeply in love with her he was. He was ready to propose!!! So you can see my concern, it's like the insecure side of me is threatened by her even though they haven't talked in about 7 months. The thing is, he only recently told me that he loved me, and on the other hand he still carries her photo around in his wallet. Refuses to take it out upon the basis that she was "an important part of my past" and that she is very special to him.

I am deeply in love with this man but it feels like I'll always be competing with 'his first love'. And ultimately I just want him to be happy, even it that means him being with her again, as much as that kills me inside.

I guess what why I'm posting this thread is I just needed to vent a little...and I also wanted to ask other people how they would handle the situation. Would you be okay with your significant other desiring to re-establish contact with their ex?

please keep anon as friends use this site.
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TOD100
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#2
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this is totally unacceptable. who does he think he is maintaining a friendship with someone he knows
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death.drop
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i can see why you'd be worried. but to be honest if he isn't over her and doesn't really love you it's not going to change whether he sees her or not and in the end things wont work with you.

i still see my ex and he's my best friend barr my boyfriend now. my boyfriend trusts me to see and speak to him and that makes me love him all the more. it makes me feel great that he has so much trust in me.

from those two things i personally think you're better off letting him see her. but let him know when it upsets you. he'll thank you for trusting him.
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kitty_ramone
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he still carries her photo around in his wallet. Refuses to take it out upon the basis that she was "an important part of my past" and that she is very special to him.
That's very, very weird. I would not be happy about it at all. Purely on that basis I think I'd end it - harsh, but if you're in love with them/want to marry them surely you should be their one and only?

Edit: Forgot to mention - the friends bit might be acceptable, but I still stick to what I said up there ^ .
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$loth
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If he was that serious with her then she would have been a very important person in his life, and she will probably be for a long time. I don't think it's out of order of him to have contact with her.
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Envy Eyes
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(Original post by $loth)
If he was that serious with her then she would have been a very important person in his life, and she will probably be for a long time. I don't think it's out of order of him to have contact with her.
Me neither, if you love him and believe he loves you then you should trust him not to abuse your trust. and therefore be fine maintaining contact with his ex.
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linkdapink
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I'd let him have a friendship with her, but make him take the picture out of his wallet! My boyfriend had his "first love" before me, and although I was, and still am, insecure about it, I wouldn't REALLY mind if he spoke to her, but would be more threatened if they met up and went to the cinema together and stuff like that.

He also keeps something from her from his past, saying it was a big part of his life, but its in his "memories box" which also contains his childhood memories, so its not specific to her.
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Anonymous #1
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Yes that was me who posted long ago.

I decided to post again as a lot has changed in my relationship (and a lot I guess hasn't). So I visited his family over the winter holidays, everything went amazing, my boyfriend and I were going perfect. Than out of the blue the other night he thought he had received a phone call from his ex (ended up he didn't), sounded very excited/happy and than said to me that he felt like he should get back in touch with her.
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MGS
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#9
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Do you guys think it's alright if your boyfriend/girlfriend were to contact their ex and maintain a friendship with that person? Even though the two of you were 'serious'? I'm kinda going through this right now with my boyfriend... He told me that he feels he owe's it to her (ex) that she know he has moved on and is "no longer available"! He also wants to remain close to her and still be good friends who can talk reguarly.

My problem with this is she was his first love (his words) and he has told me on multiple occasions how deeply in love with her he was. He was ready to propose!!! So you can see my concern, it's like the insecure side of me is threatened by her even though they haven't talked in about 7 months. The thing is, he only recently told me that he loved me, and on the other hand he still carries her photo around in his wallet. Refuses to take it out upon the basis that she was "an important part of my past" and that she is very special to him.

I am deeply in love with this man but it feels like I'll always be competing with 'his first love'. And ultimately I just want him to be happy, even it that means him being with her again, as much as that kills me inside.

I guess what why I'm posting this thread is I just needed to vent a little...and I also wanted to ask other people how they would handle the situation. Would you be okay with your significant other desiring to re-establish contact with their ex?

please keep anon as friends use this site.
I can honestly say i have been in the BF position here. Reading this it is the same as me, wanting to stay in touch with my "first love" and be friends is acceptable. But I can understand how you feel for me, a si have moved on but still do have feelings for my first love etc i do not tell my current gf, that i loved my ex deeply and still love them etc.

I think if your bf is going out with you then he should have moved on, he should have shut up his feelings in a box. Otherwise why is he going out with you if he has feelings for someone else still? When he is with you, how is he? does he show the love and affection that you want etc or does it seem liek he closed up?

-Dan
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Rock Fan
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I can understand you being weary, but if he is simply doing it purely on a friendship basis, it's fine.
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Angel83
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#11
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I read your old thread too, my jaw dropped when you said he still carries his ex's photo in his wallet. He clearly hasn't gotten over her, in most cases a friendship with an ex can be ok to an extent if there is no longer feelings and intimacy. Though in this situation he has said he wants to be with her.

How would he feel if you told him you wanted to see your ex and carried photos of him around? You need to ask him outright what the hell is going on - don't settle for second best!
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Tyler Durden
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#12
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The photo's weird, the rest is fine.
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Nadinus
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#13
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I don't know...in itself, there's nothing wrong with keeping contact with an ex, but if you think that he's doing it to sort of delve in to his past (which could be case, given the excuse he gave for the photo) then he might need snapping out of it...it's not right of him to discuss his previous relationship with her, unless it's relevant to yours now. I wouldn't condemm him for it, although do watch out in case you think it's getting out of hand.
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campbell87
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#14
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I wouldnt be happy with him carrying the photo around, an important part of his past she might be but he should put that picture in an old shoebox or something not carry it around with him. If people notice it and ask what does he tell them? If someone told me it was their ex and I knew they were in a new relationship Id find it very strange indeedy.

Him having contact with his ex shouldnt be a problem, though he does sound really hung up on her, if you trust him then just let him speak to her, to be honest it sounds like he'l just go ahead whether you like the idea or not. Its an odd situation to be in, if they start to spend time together alone etc then thats when Id get concerned, especially if there were trust issues
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Rock Fan
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If he has said to you that he is not over her, then yes I would be more worried.
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Sapphire_Eyes
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#16
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Do you guys think it's alright if your boyfriend/girlfriend were to contact their ex and maintain a friendship with that person? Even though the two of you were 'serious'? I'm kinda going through this right now with my boyfriend... He told me that he feels he owe's it to her (ex) that she know he has moved on and is "no longer available"! He also wants to remain close to her and still be good friends who can talk reguarly.

My problem with this is she was his first love (his words) and he has told me on multiple occasions how deeply in love with her he was. He was ready to propose!!! So you can see my concern, it's like the insecure side of me is threatened by her even though they haven't talked in about 7 months. The thing is, he only recently told me that he loved me, and on the other hand he still carries her photo around in his wallet. Refuses to take it out upon the basis that she was "an important part of my past" and that she is very special to him.

I am deeply in love with this man but it feels like I'll always be competing with 'his first love'. And ultimately I just want him to be happy, even it that means him being with her again, as much as that kills me inside.

I guess what why I'm posting this thread is I just needed to vent a little...and I also wanted to ask other people how they would handle the situation. Would you be okay with your significant other desiring to re-establish contact with their ex?

please keep anon as friends use this site.
If i said that/did that to my bf he's throw a wallop, how would he react to that if you did that back.

I would tell him to take the photo out, and tell him exactly how you feel about this.

Tell him if its killing you to hear those words that it does that.

I certainly wouldnt like my bf to speak to his exs although i do occassionally say hi to a ex but normanlly im busy chat some other time.

he doesnt 'owe' his ex anything expect to move on and live our own lives seperatly.

TALK TO HIM AND TELL HIM EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL
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Sugar_Gems
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Sorry to break it to you, but he obviously has feelings, dare I say it, still in love with his ex??

The deal breaker was the photo in the wallet.
Come on OP, I know love is blind, but you don't carry ANY OLD PERSON'S photo around in your wallet do you??

I know its hard, but you have to face up to the reality of the situation xx
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Anonymous #1
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The thing is he now tells me that he is 'in love' with me, on the other hand he still refuses to take her photo out of his wallet even when I said it hurt me! I'm very easily jealous and he knows that, yet.....ugh. I feel like I'm getting mixed messages here.

He say's that he wants to share his life with me, but I can;t help feeling like if she were to re-enter the picture she could so easily snatch him away.

I had horrible nightmares about this all last night.
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JessL
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I don't think there is anything wrong with him maintaining a friendship with her, as others have said the photo is still abit much.

I'm good friends with all of my ex boyfriends, after spending so much time with a certain person its nice to keep it friendly. My boyfriend understands that and has accepted it.

Just think, he's with you now and that's all that matters.
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Angel83
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I think people are missing the point he still HAS feelings for his ex and wants to meet up. Any decent person would stay away until they have gotten over their ex and certainly not lead on someone else they are unsure of their feelings for.
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