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Long distance relationship.. I cheated on him. watch

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    Hey - please keep as anon as I'm not sure who visits these forums out of the people I know.

    This is long, so feel free to skim if you like, though you'd get a clearer picture if read properly.

    Basically, I've recently become involved with a friend who's away at uni. About a month and a half ago he came to see me for the day and we kissed - from then on we started 'seeing eachother' I guess. I went to stay with him a few weeks later and it was wonderful - I was so happy, I came back feeling refreshed, but also extremely sad; I found it hard to cope being apart. For weeks and weeks everytime we spoke the whole conversation was focused on 'I miss you, I'm finding it difficult to cope, I'm so sad without you' but mostly on his part as although I missed him tons, my coping mechanism is to be upbeat and wipe the problem away. Holding this in mind, I've been keeping up with my social life, going to parties, seeing my friends lots... it's the only way I can handle things, to just get on with it.

    So I go to this party and there's a guy there that I vaugely knew before. We spend the night having fun; flirting, laughing, he's the funniest guy I've ever met and he just made me forget about all this misery that this whole long distance thing had recently brought into my life. He didn't know I was involved with anyone, he kept suggesting we go somewhere a bit more private, kept getting close to me, and in any normal situation I would have kissed him because I was SO attracted to him but I kept thinking to myself, 'No, I value this other relationship so much more than just kissing a guy I'm attracted to' and so left that night having resisted.

    After this, we recently saw eachother but whilst I spent the whole day trying to be cheerful and upbeat and chatty (I was happy to see him) he spent the day being quiet, miserable, depressing. I kept trying to cheer him up and he'd just mumble something about not liking where we were. That day we sat down and spoke and he said he wanted to make things official and I said I agreed.. so that was the first day of us being 'official' and out of the 'seeing eachother' zone. We left eachother that day (it was only a day thing) and to be completely honest I didn't feel as sad as I usually do, I felt relieved as I felt stifled by this sadness. I went to a party - the guy from the previous party was in the car of the person picking me up - and he instantly cheered me up. We got to the party and I was really really happy to be in such a cheerful, upbeat environment, saw my friends, laughed, got drunk and didn't check my phone once all night.. I just wanted a break from this depressive state I felt myself slipping in before.

    The night went on and I got more and more drunk - I spent the whole night with this particular guy just having fun and feeling my age again.. 17 and free. I can't even remember now how it happened but we kissed and I must have wanted it because we spent the rest of the night together.. kissing, cuddling, me talking about my situation, him listening, understanding, cheering me up, making me laugh. I saw my friends and they said they were disgusted with me for cheating and how could I do this to him having only been together for not even a full day. I went back to the guy I got with and told him what my friends had said and was really upset by it; I guess I was looking for a bit of sympathy and they were just not gonna give it. I felt rejected because I figured friends should always be on their friends side even when in the wrong - they don;t even know this guy.

    Anyway, morning came; me and the guy I had got with spent the night on the sofa watching movies, talking and cuddling whilst everyone else slept. I just felt like I should - relaxed, carefree, there was no misery. But what struck me was guilt - or lack of. I expected that if I ever cheated (I never have before) I'd be stricken with guilt and full of self hatered. I felt little guilt initially, I actually felt like in a way I was in the right because I, at 17, was expected by this other guy to stay with him for years in a long distance relationship, right through my own university education and such.. and I didn't understand, I'm still learning who I am, I don't KNOW who I am, and why should I?

    However since I've spoken to him I;ve felt really guilty, and it's as if he's put me on a guilt trip without knowing what I've done (there's no way he knows) because he's now saying things such as 'I really can't cope without you, I need you' etc so I'm feeling bloody awful. I've been speaking to the other guy and he's asked me if I wanna do something i.e. go out somewhere and I said yes - simply because I enjoy the company of him so much and he makes me feel so happy. Is this wrong? I'm just sick of feeling wrong, wrong, wrong; my two best friends keep telling me what I've done is completely out of order because before I went on about the guy I'm with being so fantastic, and he is - just not miles and miles and miles away from me and when I'm put under these pressures.

    What do I do? ANY advice is appreciated.. I just need some advice/opinions/whatever because I can't talk to anyone else about this because I'm scared of being called 'out of order' by my own friends, but I don't mind when it's from people I don't know. So yeah, anything would be greatlyyy appreciated. I'm so sorry for this being so long but it's great to get it off my chest. Thankyou.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    After this, *we recently saw eachother but whilst I spent the whole day trying to be cheerful...
    *the guy I'm seeing in the long distance relationship
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    IMO, you need to find out what YOU want. What would make YOU happy and do that. Whoever you hurt, it is more fair to do that than to keep yourself unhappy and keep other people with a false sense of security. WRT you cheating. Don't think abou that so much. Just acceppt that it shows that you werent reaady for that relationship (poentially) and rectify that situation. Nothing productive will come out of blaming yourself, and as for your friends, say ballcocks to them. It's not their issue and they shouldn't judge.
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    You know it's wrong but you're still going to go out with this other guy who you'll most likely end up doing stuff with because he makes you so happy and free blah blah blah. you know what you're doing and you know what you have to do.

    end things with the first guy if it obviously doesn't mean much to you and at least be honest with him. do you really want him to find out from any external parties that from day 1 (more like some hours after you got together officially) that you were flirting/doing stuff and then continued to do so with another guy. he'll just feel used and his lack of faith in women would be destroyed. and he'll probably become a player because of you blah blah blah. no wonder guys treat us like crap.


    but seriously though, first time, fine you could say you were drunk, but for you to continue doing stuff with the new guy even after your friends had advised you not to and even after you suddenly realised that what you were doing is wrong, all i can say is you probably don't deserve your official bf and you should put him out of his misery, because while he's missing you and possibly staying faithful,you're out and about with some other guy.
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    Who do you like more? Forget all the other circumstances and go with whoever you feel more attracted to and makes you happier.
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    It sounds to me like you were looking for some male attention- I know I've felt the same at uni- but also this relationship with the other guy seems a little shaky anyway, like you say you only really got official recently?
    The fact that you didn't really feel guilty in the morning shows how you don't have a huge emotional connection with the other guy, maybe you don't actually want to be in a relationship with him?
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    I'm maybe wondering whether you weren't keen on the idea of this long-distance relationship anyway? I think you should be honest with the guy who's away at uni, like someone else said, the least you owe him is honesty. Don't not tell him and string him along, otherwise when he eventually does find out it'll just get really ugly.

    This other guy seems to make you a lot happier, so you need to decide whether you want to just have fun times with him, or actually commit yourself to the first dude. Even if you do choose the first guy, I think he deserved to know you cheated on him, then he can also decide whether or not he thinks you're worth it.

    At 17, relationships shouldn't be getting TOO serious, and to be fair being drunk is no excuse really..unless you were utterly wasted. But whatever, you should tell the first guy at least what the situation is.
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    Well, you've managed to get yourself in a pretty awkward situation, haven't you?

    From the sounds of things, your current LDR boyfriend is not making you happy. I've not seen anything in your post that suggests you want to be with him, beyond guilt that if you break up with him he'll be sad. But while LDRs are hard, spending all your time talking about how much you miss each other is no way to keep a happy relationship going. I think you need to have a long hard think about what he means to you and whether you're willing to keep it going. It would seem the answer is probably not.

    As for the second guy, what you did was wrong, though I agree your friends could have been more supportive and tried to help you straighten things out in your head rather than just condemning you. It seems like you like each other and have something of a spark together. Plus he's going to be around a lot and you're probably going to run into him again, potentially with similar consequences.

    One thing I will caution you about though - don't break up with your boyfriend JUST so you can be with the other guy without guilt. If your relationship with your bf (though it's not exactly been a long one) is not going to work out - and I don't think it is - break up with him. If you want to go out with the other guy, do that. But don't let the two be totally connected, otherwise if the second guy doesn't work out, you'll be haunted by what you did to your first bf forever.
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    Blah blah blah, cheating is bad. I'm sure you know that so I'm not gonna lecture you.

    Sounds to me like you need to be honest with your boyfriend about it cause you don't even know if he'll wanna stay with you after you cheated on him. If he does then I'd either sit down and have a proper adult talk with him and tell him exactly what you want and that he's not making you happy. And then tell the other guy that nothing can ever happen with you two again cause you don't wanna cheat again.

    Or you can break up with the boyfriend and live the single life, not worrying about pulling guys at parties and see this other guy again and see how it goes. Your lack of guilt is surprising to say the least so maybe you don't really care about your boyfriend?
    • #1
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    (Original post by Helenia)
    One thing I will caution you about though - don't break up with your boyfriend JUST so you can be with the other guy without guilt. If your relationship with your bf (though it's not exactly been a long one) is not going to work out - and I don't think it is - break up with him. If you want to go out with the other guy, do that. But don't let the two be totally connected, otherwise if the second guy doesn't work out, you'll be haunted by what you did to your first bf forever.
    Jurisprude, your advice made me think a lot. I don't want to put my boyfriend in a false sense of security. I think what I'm most afraid of is hurting him by ending it - but yeah, I don't want to keep it going and hurt him more in the future.

    La Trampa - I think the fact that I continued with this other guy when I was sober says a lot. I'm not the cheating kind at all, I've been cheated on etc etc and I find it wrong - but it's as if my attraction/feelings for this guy overcame it. Not an excuse I know. I think that's what annoyed my friends.

    Ben16 - For me, it's not about who I like more. I think I would be happier seeing the second guy (that's not my boyfriend) simply because he's right near me, I'd see him whenever I wanted and he makes me laugh constantly. I find that such an attraction simply because (due to my personal circumstances) the past few years for me have lacked laughter and I want to place myself around people that make me smile because I want to leave my past behind. I'm currently coming out of a depression so that's very important to me.

    onlya - Yes, male attention was probably a huge contributing factor. That day especially my boyfriend and I didn't get a chance to be very close, even to just kiss and cuddle, because we were in a busy city, so there wasn't much affection there - he was also quite involved in his own upset that day and seemed to be somewhere else. I suppose subconciously I felt a little rejected by this, though I tried to not let it get to me. This other guy is very hands on with me - very suggestive and close and cuddly and affectionate and I felt myself falling more and more into him as the night drew on, I think. It's not that I don't share an emotional connection with this guy - he knows a lot about me personally - but I suppose he can't feel much empathy because he's had a very solid upbringing and his life is very solid, stable, secure. Whenever I have a new problem that I tell him about I think 'Jesus, if I was him I'd be wondering what I had got myself into with this mess up of a girl' because I think his life so far has been very sheltered.

    Atomic Dave - I hate the idea of LTR's normally - for me, anyway. I don;t think I have enough willpower for them; I'm very passionate and affectionate and I often need to just be able to ring whoever up and say 'I need a cuddle; can you come over?' and right now I can't do that. The fact he's talking about us with regards to years later scares me; next year I'm planning to go travelling around the world and do volunteer work, so my mind (not to mention, me!) will be in a VERY different place, and then obviously after that I'll be at uni. He's mentioned coming travelling with me and I'm sceptical; the whole point of my travels is to find myself, to see how the other half live and hopefully mature into the adult I want to be when I leave home and start my adulthood. It has to be done on my own, surely? With regards to telling him.. I just can't. I want to still have him as a friend and I don't know how he'd take it. In my mind I want to just refer to it as a mistake I made very very early in the relationship when I wasn't sure about where we were going - I accept you can't blame alcohol, but surely some blame can be put down to emotional confusion? We all make mistakes - this is partly why, I think, I am failing to feel as much guilt as I usually would in such a situation.

    Anyway - thankyou guys, you've all given me some really useful, thoughtful suggestions. I'm just rereading them all over and over and trying to consider what to do. Helenia you're right, it is a really awkward situation. And yeah, talking about missing eachother all the time is a bad idea - especially when I just want to be able to live a normal life without him texting me every few hours saying I miss you. I feel so guilty when I say that, but it's the truth. In my head I thought I would just think of it as when we were apart as being like when a normal couple is apart, but a normal couple wouldn't text eachother like that. With my friends, that's exactly what annoyed me. If the shoe were on the other foot I would have sat them down and straightened their heads out and made them think realistically and put things in perspective for them. But yes, instead they condemed me, and I think in a way that made the whole thing a little worse. I remember feeling alone that night.. it's a dangerous emotion. How do you mean don't let the two be totally connected, though?

    SmilerNuts - I do care about my boyfriend, a lot. I can't fully explain my lack of guilt.. perhaps it goes a little deeper than I'd care to think about right now, but I definitely don't want to tell him what happened and then just.. wait to be dumped. I don't think he'd even dump me, to be perfectly honest - he's the kind of guy who would want to sit down and ask me why I did it and what we can do to work through it. I don't want to put him through the emotional rollercoaster of a) knowing I've cheated b) contrasting thoughts of dump her/not dump her and then c) a desperate attempt at rebuilding the relationship and THEN d) me breaking up with him. It's just too much in my opinion. Thankyou for the suggestion, though.
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    One thing I forgot to mention - literally days before I started seeing the LDR guy, I was in another relationship - a second attempt with a guy I was with for quite a long time towards the start of the year, a guy I thought I was in love with but treated me badly though I failed to see... he broke up with me a few days before my current boyfriend claiming I had 'too many problems, too many issues going on' for him and such. I don't know if any of you would consider this as a contribution - and by no means am I trying to blame what I did on this.. but you get the point.
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    You are being very unfair to your boyfriend by doing this, why don't you let him go so he can be with someone who appreciates him, because you clearly ain't happy with him.

    There really is no excuse for you to cheat, if you want to go off and flirt with people, least have the decency to end things with your boyfriend.
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    And how would you feel if that was done to you?
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    If you're not gonna honest with him about it then break up with him.
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    What you did wasn't right, but the best thing for you to do is just resolve it now. Your going to have to choose between them and if you choose the long-distance relationship, you are going to have to tell him. If he decides he doesn't want you over it, then you are going to have to deal with it because its not just like you kissed the boy once accidentally at the spur of the moment, you spent the night with him and you obviously had feelings for him too. Just be honest with your boyfriend and yourself
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    While LDRs are difficult (and I've been in one for 3 years, so I know how it is), if you loved the guy enough you wouldn't cheat on him. It really is that simple. I have never cheated on my guy despite opportunity to do so, and I know others in the same situation. So it seems the first thing you need to do is seriously reassess why you're with LDR boy. Personally, though, it doesn't sound like you love him enough, which in itself is enough reason to end it. You don't have to tell him why (though whether or not you do is entirely your call).

    Then, think about this new guy. Are you feeling this way about him because he swept you off your feet at a time when you were feeling sad, or because you genuinely care for him? It might be advisable to take some time away from him too so that you can think about who and what you really want. At the moment it seems to me like you're dashing in and out of relationships too quickly, and that really is a concern. You clearly have some thinking to do. Good luck with it.
    • #2
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    I've always been of the opinion that cheating is wrong and inexcusable. However I recently cheated on my LD boyfriend a couple of times, and although it felt wrong I didn't feel half as guilty as I knew I should have been feeling. I've now broken up with him after realising that I had no real feelings for him anymore.

    My advice is that if you've been together for 1 day and you cheat on him, ask your self do you actually have any true feelings for him?
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    well honestly i didnt even read the whole thing you wrote it looked tooooo long! But right now I have a boyfriend we have been dating for 5 months. And I will be leaving Turkey and going to UK for university and in summer he is in the US so everything is ....! Anyways my point is if u have a long distance relationship it is something really hard and things happen its okay i bet he maybe did it too...just try not to do it again
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    friends should always be on their friends side even when in the wrong - they don;t even know this guy.
    In my opinion good friends will let you know when they think your being out of order, not just pretend to support you when they don't.

    Basically I think that the longer you don't tell your boyfriend the worse you're making it. I completely disagree with cheating... if you don't want to be with someone then end it before you do stuff with other people.
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    errrr, old thread folks...
 
 
 
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