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Am I a bad girlfriend?

Here's the situation:
I was offered a place at Warwick, whilst my boyfriend was offered one from Cambridge. The reason why he applied in the first place was because I was applying there in the first place (he said that Oxbridge would be too much work/he wouldn't like the people there etc.; he said the only way he'd find it bearable was if I was attending Cambridge too), and we also both applied to Warwick.

Subsequently, we both received offers from Warwick, but he's been telling me that people at school have been bugging him to go to Cambridge saying "you'd be mad to turn it down" etc. He's also admitted to me that, if I were not going to Warwick, he wouldn't be sure which one he'd want to go to. He understands the better job prospects for Cambridge vs. Warwick (he's applying for Maths by the way), and he tells me that his 'gut feeling' wants him to go for Warwick.

But I can't feel somewhat responsible, and so I gave him an ultimatum: He is free to choose between Warwick and Cambridge, but he has to leave me out as a deciding factor. If I wasn't there, he said, it would be a harder decision to make. Fact is, there was a possibility of choosing Cambridge - until I got an offer from Warwick. He also claims that he simply "can't take me out of the picture"; it's just not something he can do.

Before anybody says that 'relationships are transient', I do understand that and I've tried to convince him that future prospects > girlfriend at 17. But he seems determined to believe that I am his "future", and tells me that I should just be "quietly happy" that he wants to be with me. He says he believes he'll regret going to Cambridge instead of Warwick, but I think that it'll be vice versa situation instead. :confused:

What should I do? Should I just let him do what he wants?

Reply 1

I_Like_Cake

Tell him if he wants a challenge in terms of the level of difficulty of the maths Warwick will be equally challenging as Cambridge.

Reply 2

Crazster

16

I_Like_Cake

Tell him if he wants a challenge in terms of the level of difficulty of the maths Warwick will be equally challenging as Cambridge.

Mis-information is not appreciated. Unless you have looked at both syllabuses please don't mis-inform.

Reply 3

Donald Duck

15

I'd try to convince him youre going to neither uni (which youre not), so he makes his own decision.

Reply 4

unknown demon

15

I_Like_Cake

Tell him if he wants a challenge in terms of the level of difficulty of the maths Warwick will be equally challenging as Cambridge.

Agree. Do not misinform posters on the forum. Warwick is excellent for maths, I have quite a few friends up there studying it. However, Cambridge Mathematics is regarded as one of the hardest degrees in the world. And will clearly be somewhat superior to Warwick.

Aside from this, wouldn't you still be able to see one another going to separate universities. A friend of mine is at Camb and his gf is at Manchester, its still going strong, been over a year now at university

Reply 5

weet_ABI_x

11

I'm pretty much in your boyfriend's position (though obviously not to the Oxbridge extent) and I can say that I just as a general rule prefer not to talk about it, ESPECIALLY not with my boyfriend. If you keep badgering him, even if it is to tell him not to involve you in the decision, you'll irritate him and it will just further reinforce the fact you ARE involved in the decision.

Reply 6

Anonymous #2

Wow, this strikes a chord... I'm the one who got an offer from Cambridge, and went. My bf thinks I should have stayed in London with him - he would have chosen a London uni for me without hesitation but will now go elsewhere. Often, when I say something like how I miss him he reminds me that we could have been together had I stayed. He thinks it's 'selfish' that I went.

Writing it down like this makes it sound much worse than it is!! It's only a minor issue most of the time (the rest of the time is perfect!), but every now and again it does lead to arguments when he has been feeling sad about it and wants me to transfer to be with him. I guess he's coming from your bf's point of view whereas I was the one trying to decide things with minimal reference to him, because a) we might break up (though I really don't think we will) and b) if we are meant to be, our relationship should be strong enough to cope with the fact that I have ambitions outside it; and it's only 3 years, it's not like it's going to last forever or for an indeterminate period of time. Anyway, it's a bit messy but since this is the only issue we have (and I can't fault him that much just for missing me!) and it only flares up now and then it's not really a problem. I think you should just take a step back and let him make his own decision - he's responsible for his own happiness and if he knows he wouldn't be happy being away from you then that's up to him. At least either way he won't feel guilty since you aren't piling the pressue on, whereas I sometimes feel like a bad girlfriend for doing exactly what you asked your bf to do.

Reply 7

9mm

12

If I'm not mistaken Warwick is around same distance from Cambridge as London is. Therefore it would take between 1hour to 1hour 30mins by train. That's not much at all, so if he did go off to Cambridge (which is the most sensible option), then it wouldn't be difficult to keep in touch. It might be hard at first if you see each other a quite lot, but it's bearable and many people manage LDRs much further apart than that. What I'm trying to say is if he goes off to Cambridge, you'll still be able to see each other quite often, just not as much as you probably do now.

Reply 8

Cj-Tj

15

Anonymous

.
He also claims that he simply "can't take me out of the picture"; it's just not something he can do.

Since when have emotions followed logic? He cant take you out the picture.

Send him to cambridge, its not that far between the two unis (cant remember how long it takes my housemate to do the journy.... just under 2 hours I seem to think?) and then make plans to see each other regulary. Depending on what course you do at Warwick loads of people have either a really short friday, or no friday lectures at all, so you could easily make a long weekend out of it.

Reply 9

Y__

13

Aristoteles

If I'm not mistaken Warwick is around same distance from Cambridge as London is. Therefore it would take between 1hour to 1hour 30mins by train. That's not much at all, so if he did go off to Cambridge (which is the most sensible option), then it wouldn't be difficult to keep in touch. It might be hard at first if you see each other a quite lot, but it's bearable and many people manage LDRs much further apart than that. What I'm trying to say is if he goes off to Cambridge, you'll still be able to see each other quite often, just not as much as you probably do now.

I fear you are wrong there. London-Cambridge is about 45min, London Warwick is 1h, but the fastest connection from Cambridge to Warwick that I can find on nationalrail.co.uk is about 3h : ~1h from Cam to London, ~1h from King's Cross to Euston and ~1h to Coventry/Warwick... :frown:

Reply 10

9mm

12

Oh ok, but it's nothing like 6 hours. I take the train from Cambridge to London King's Cross quite often, and it normally takes about 55 minutes lol, so I rounded it to 1h. If there are problems, then it can take a bit longer (especially if they're repairing the railway and you have to take the bus to royston from camrbridge, then wait for the next train leaving to London from Royston and it can take a while)

Reply 11

Anonymous #2

In response to the last couple of posts, with our London-Cambridge gap we have seen each other every weekend, often for two nights; I find this enough (especially considering that it entails a lot of juggling of my academic work); he still gets sad about not seeing me enough. So your bf might still think that LD is too hard for him?

Reply 12

Wangers

16

I_Like_Cake

Tell him if he wants a challenge in terms of the level of difficulty of the maths Warwick will be equally challenging as Cambridge.

*******s. For a start, Cambridge ask for 1,1 in STEP II and III. Warwick on the other hand, only asks for STEP I. Talk to any Cambridge applicant and they'll tell you that AA isn't the problem and that STEP I (with a bit of practice) will come out as an S. The proverbial 'straw' that breaks the camels back is the SIII grade.

And this is all just to get in , once you're in, the fun really begins! OP, send him to Cambridge; for that kind of ability not to be stretched and tested borders on the criminal.

Reply 13

wtid

Aren't there all those rules in Cambridge though - visitors only allowed a certain number of nights and you're only allowed to leave campus a certain number of nights per term? I seem to remember that from when me and my girlfriend looked into it since she's applied to Cambridge.

Reply 14

Anonymous #2

wtid

Aren't there all those rules in Cambridge though - visitors only allowed a certain number of nights and you're only allowed to leave campus a certain number of nights per term? I seem to remember that from when me and my girlfriend looked into it since she's applied to Cambridge.

Yep... but the porters don't know you have a guest if you sneak them in through a sidegate :p:

Honestly, it's fine; the main problem is having enough time with the high workload.

Reply 15

grammar_king

2

wtid

Aren't there all those rules in Cambridge though - visitors only allowed a certain number of nights and you're only allowed to leave campus a certain number of nights per term? I seem to remember that from when me and my girlfriend looked into it since she's applied to Cambridge.

The more I hear about Cambridge, the more I'm glad they rejected me.

OP - uni isn't about relationships, it's about doing what is best for your future. You did the right thing by telling him to leave you out of it, but it's his decision now.

Reply 16

HJV

16

If I was the one making a choice, I'd choose Warwick. However, OP, you should just leave it up to him. If he wants to go to Cambridge, it's his choice. If he doesn't, it's also his choice...

Some people work had through secondary school so they can go to a good high school where they will work hard so they can go to a good university where they will work had to get a job where they have to work hard. Makes no sense to me, bloody masochists :p:

Reply 17

Johnthelearner

Wow, sounds like you are frustrated...

Calm down... Just discuss with him. Do what you think is right... Who are we to say what is to be done for both of you? That is how I think...

Reply 18

wtid

HJV

Some people work had through secondary school so they can go to a good high school where they will work hard so they can go to a good university where they will work had to get a job where they have to work hard. Makes no sense to me, bloody masochists :p:

I know! Everyone seems to think everyone else actually enjoys working really hard constantly. Some people may choose another university over Cambridge simply because they don't want such a pressured life and have no desire to be super rich and successful in their future lives.

Reply 19

ciara

13

If your relationship is as solid as you make out then where you both to uni isn't going to make or break it, surely?

I personally would do everything in my power to persuade him to go to Cambridge. You shouldn't abuse the fact that he seems ridiculously dependent on you to relieve your guilt that he might end up doing what you want and going to Warwick with you. (Sorry if I'm misunderstanding but that's what I got from the OP.)

Am I a bad girlfriend?

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