Hello. Firstly a little background. I'm a 23 year old guy, in my final year of university. I took two years out between 16-18. My parents split up when I was 14, under circumstances that I'd rather not go into here. Suffice to say that my teenage years were much like the plotline of a soap - you probably wouldn't even believe it if I told you. Perhaps this isn't the best place to ask for advice, but I can't really talk to my friends about this anymore, and certainly not my family - perhaps there's someone here who's been through something remotely similar. This will be a very long post - sorry about that. Rather than spamming the board with a number of topics outlining my various problems, I thought I'd put them all in one post.
I suffer from anxiety, depression and anger issues. These problems all seem to dominate my life at one point, even if it's only one at a time. For example, my health anxieties (hypochondria) might take over for a few weeks, during that I will become obsessed with the idea that I have a certain serious illness like cancer, diabetes, tetanus, heart failure... well, you get the idea.
Then I might have a few weeks/months where I feel too depressed to really do anything other than stay up all night playing pointless games and sleeping all day. For large periods of the holidays, I only have fleeting human contact with my family.
Then there's the anger. This is something that affects me in any competitive sport or activity, such as computer games. I can't bear to lose at pool, football, online games, console games. I hate myself for failing, for being beaten at all, because it makes me feel weak, useless and inferior, like I did as a child when I was too asthmatic to compete in any sports. This often results in violent outbursts in which I shout, swear, throw the controller/smash the keyboard - I've even broken a pool cue before, and kicked goalposts when my football team has lost.
I'm seeing a cognitive-behavioural therapist, but he seems reluctant to talk about anything other than the hypochondria. I also see him very rarely, every 2-3 weeks at best. The therapy hasn't been very helpful so far.
There's also some other problems I've experienced:
Self-confidence issues I feel very bad about my physical appearance - I weigh 10 and a half stone at 6"2 and my hair is receding, my voice - I have a slight lisp - and my personality - I feel boring, unconventional, distant from other people.
Depersonalisation/derealisation I feel detatched from reality, as if I'm dead already. Nothing really feels real except for negative things like anger and fear and pain. An example: I was seeing someone for a while, a month or so ago. I liked her in theory; she was similar to me in certain ways and I found her physically attractive. But it didn't feel real when I was with her. I think this derealisation, or whatever it is, makes my outbursts of anger easier. In fact I'm scared that one day I'll actually do something far worse because I don't really feel real. I suppose it could be down to a permanent insomnia brought on by going to bed between 2-7 am since I was 16.
Lack of self-discipline I seem unable to do anything about my various problems. I've got it into my head that if I can just get up earlier and go to bed earlier, I'll be on the right tracks, but no matter how many times I set my alarm for, say, 11 am or 12, I end up turning it off, too tired force myself to get up. I've got two major essays due in for Friday, but I've no strength in myself to do them. I've not even looked at the questions in detail, let alone started.
Lack of self-control I've done things I regret, and I keep doing them. I've slept with girls I don't really feel attracted to, just because I can, just to see if I can feel something. I've said cruel things, done cruel things. This ties in with the anger problems of course. But I cannot stop myself from doing things. According to my friends, I make them very uncomfortable and ruin the night out if I lose my temper playing pool, or a console game with them. I've not been in a fight (other than a drunken scuffle with a friend) since I was 14, but that resulted in serious trouble with the school because I beat up five kids a year below me. At the time I couldn't stop myself, I just wanted to kill them.
Alcohol abuse When I'm at university particularly, I tend to rely on alcohol to help with these problems. I typically drink 4-6 pints on a night out, and often go out 5 nights a week. I also keep a bottle of whisky by my computer for emergencies. I rarely get very drunk anymore - but that might just be that I'm so tolerant to alcohol that I cannot.
Self-hatred For reasons detailed above, amongst others, I feel an intense sense of self-loathing at times. Although I've never cut myself or anything, I'll often hit myself in the face/head. I hate myself for being too weak to change my life, and for being an unpleasant person to be around, and for letting other people walk over me.
I'm not sure which of these problems is worse. Perhaps the hypochondria; it's got to the point where I won't eat certain foods incase I get food poisoning. I think they all interrelate, like some sort of tangled web of venom. The depression has been here for a long time. I've never really attempted suicide - I've held a gun to my head when I was younger, and considered jumping off a bridge, but I fear death far too much to entertain it seriously. I've been offered medicines by various doctors, but I really, really don't want to EVER take anything that alters my mind. Even something like cannabis (which I've only taken a handful of times) I find to be disturbing, probably because things feel unreal enough as it is.
Anyway, I'll go into more detail if needed, but this is probably long enough already. Thanks to anyone who reads it.