The Student Room Group

Messed up... beyond help?

Hello. Firstly a little background. I'm a 23 year old guy, in my final year of university. I took two years out between 16-18. My parents split up when I was 14, under circumstances that I'd rather not go into here. Suffice to say that my teenage years were much like the plotline of a soap - you probably wouldn't even believe it if I told you. Perhaps this isn't the best place to ask for advice, but I can't really talk to my friends about this anymore, and certainly not my family - perhaps there's someone here who's been through something remotely similar. This will be a very long post - sorry about that. Rather than spamming the board with a number of topics outlining my various problems, I thought I'd put them all in one post.

I suffer from anxiety, depression and anger issues. These problems all seem to dominate my life at one point, even if it's only one at a time. For example, my health anxieties (hypochondria) might take over for a few weeks, during that I will become obsessed with the idea that I have a certain serious illness like cancer, diabetes, tetanus, heart failure... well, you get the idea.

Then I might have a few weeks/months where I feel too depressed to really do anything other than stay up all night playing pointless games and sleeping all day. For large periods of the holidays, I only have fleeting human contact with my family.

Then there's the anger. This is something that affects me in any competitive sport or activity, such as computer games. I can't bear to lose at pool, football, online games, console games. I hate myself for failing, for being beaten at all, because it makes me feel weak, useless and inferior, like I did as a child when I was too asthmatic to compete in any sports. This often results in violent outbursts in which I shout, swear, throw the controller/smash the keyboard - I've even broken a pool cue before, and kicked goalposts when my football team has lost.

I'm seeing a cognitive-behavioural therapist, but he seems reluctant to talk about anything other than the hypochondria. I also see him very rarely, every 2-3 weeks at best. The therapy hasn't been very helpful so far.

There's also some other problems I've experienced:

Self-confidence issues I feel very bad about my physical appearance - I weigh 10 and a half stone at 6"2 and my hair is receding, my voice - I have a slight lisp - and my personality - I feel boring, unconventional, distant from other people.

Depersonalisation/derealisation I feel detatched from reality, as if I'm dead already. Nothing really feels real except for negative things like anger and fear and pain. An example: I was seeing someone for a while, a month or so ago. I liked her in theory; she was similar to me in certain ways and I found her physically attractive. But it didn't feel real when I was with her. I think this derealisation, or whatever it is, makes my outbursts of anger easier. In fact I'm scared that one day I'll actually do something far worse because I don't really feel real. I suppose it could be down to a permanent insomnia brought on by going to bed between 2-7 am since I was 16.

Lack of self-discipline I seem unable to do anything about my various problems. I've got it into my head that if I can just get up earlier and go to bed earlier, I'll be on the right tracks, but no matter how many times I set my alarm for, say, 11 am or 12, I end up turning it off, too tired force myself to get up. I've got two major essays due in for Friday, but I've no strength in myself to do them. I've not even looked at the questions in detail, let alone started.

Lack of self-control I've done things I regret, and I keep doing them. I've slept with girls I don't really feel attracted to, just because I can, just to see if I can feel something. I've said cruel things, done cruel things. This ties in with the anger problems of course. But I cannot stop myself from doing things. According to my friends, I make them very uncomfortable and ruin the night out if I lose my temper playing pool, or a console game with them. I've not been in a fight (other than a drunken scuffle with a friend) since I was 14, but that resulted in serious trouble with the school because I beat up five kids a year below me. At the time I couldn't stop myself, I just wanted to kill them.

Alcohol abuse When I'm at university particularly, I tend to rely on alcohol to help with these problems. I typically drink 4-6 pints on a night out, and often go out 5 nights a week. I also keep a bottle of whisky by my computer for emergencies. I rarely get very drunk anymore - but that might just be that I'm so tolerant to alcohol that I cannot.

Self-hatred For reasons detailed above, amongst others, I feel an intense sense of self-loathing at times. Although I've never cut myself or anything, I'll often hit myself in the face/head. I hate myself for being too weak to change my life, and for being an unpleasant person to be around, and for letting other people walk over me.


I'm not sure which of these problems is worse. Perhaps the hypochondria; it's got to the point where I won't eat certain foods incase I get food poisoning. I think they all interrelate, like some sort of tangled web of venom. The depression has been here for a long time. I've never really attempted suicide - I've held a gun to my head when I was younger, and considered jumping off a bridge, but I fear death far too much to entertain it seriously. I've been offered medicines by various doctors, but I really, really don't want to EVER take anything that alters my mind. Even something like cannabis (which I've only taken a handful of times) I find to be disturbing, probably because things feel unreal enough as it is.

Anyway, I'll go into more detail if needed, but this is probably long enough already. Thanks to anyone who reads it.
Reply 1
that's a long, long, long ESSAY!!!
I've read all of it. First, no one here can truly help you because this isn't a small issue. Obviously you need to seek professional help. The help you're getting now isn't doing enough. I suggest you see your doctor more frequently and perhaps another one. You might not want to take any medicine, but it might help you out a lot. A friend of mine does and ever since she's taken them, she's been 100% better. Happier than me actually.
And remember you can always come off them whenever you want. Apart from that, I don't know what else to say.

I hope things get better for you. :smile:
Drinking alcohol really isnt going to help. its a supressant so will only make you feel worse at the end of the day, and your liver wont thank you either.
Have you considered taking up a sport where you could let the anger out a bit, boxing or somesuch? you seem to focus all negativity on yourself and it could be more productive if you have something else to take it out on.
other than that i agree with anglophile, you sound like you have some deep issues and should be seeing a professional more frequently.
Think it's a good step being able to write all of your problems down and rationalise them, but I wouldnt have a clue how to help sorry. Best of luck
Reply 5
Obviously you should tackle one problem at a time. I suggest getting your sleep pattern back on track first; sleep-deprivation might be the cause of your irritability and depression, but also, you might find that the self-control gained from doing this will help to mollify your anger.
Reply 6
Go seek help!!

But some of them are negated later anyway, all your stuff about how bad you look etc dosnt go with what you say about sleeping with people. If people want to sleep with you then you cannae be as bad as you see yourself.
Reply 7
First thing is to see doctor/other qualified professional.
Reply 8
Personally, I've always thought that a lot of the things you describe are present in pretty much everyone, but most don't have the intelligence to describe them as articulately as you have.
Reply 9
Hey anonymous , I read your entire post and can only say I relate to the ENTIRE thing...
I'm going through exactly the same things (except alcohol abuse,-it used to be drugs for me, er and my hairline is not receding :P ) , and then some ... used to feel a lot of anger toward my family , but it's just numbness now - the derealisation is even more extreme in my case...
My anger has not been that extreme, although I am a very aggressive competitor, and very bad loser...
The essays? That same thing just happened to me last week... and I still haven't finished one of them :/

I'm starting CBT soon , to sort my hypochondria / health anxiety, but I have been on meds, for my panic attacks, however they have taken me off most of them now...

PM me if you need someone to talk , as it's really hard going through what you are, especially if you don't have people understanding the situation ... I can really empathise!
i think that you need to try a few different therapists, until you find one that you work well with. just like friendships or relationships it's not guaranteed that you'll get on with the first one since this is someone you need to really open up to, and someone who needs to fully understand you.


also, as someone else suggested meds might be something that could help for a while, at least until you find a therapist you get on well with.

i know what it's like to have a lot of problems and to feel like they are on top of you, and while it's true that you may never feel completely right you have it in you to make small changes one at a time. the more small changes you make, the better you will feel.
Reply 11
The best person to go to is a doctor, they might not be able to solve your problems but they will know of good people to talk to and will probably get things moving in the right direction. I don't know which uni you're at but a lot of them have good Student Health Services and most universities are well set up to help so that you are able to seek professional help.
i agree. i think the person who should be helping you should be you, but also a therapist. the one you have atm isn't working obviously, how can she want to avoid certain topics. all of them interlink! i know it's hard, but it's probably the key to unlocking all your problems, because you are unable to youself, because you are so deep in it, that it's hard to see it from another perspective. maybe she thinks it best to just concentrate on one thing at a time, but if you have phases, then when you're not in the 'phase' it may be hard to see how what you are doing is relavent.

don't stop seeing her, until you have got someone else. don't leave youself totatlly stranded. but i think you should defintely try hard with this one. dont' let the NHS or any other bureaucracy get you down. you are obviously an intelligent guy, and this could mess up your life more than it has already. you deserve more than this.

good luck

xxxx
That sounds so much like me it's scary. I probably can't help because I just get wasted and take a load of prescription meds so I don't have to deal with anything. I think it's something that happens at this age, they call it a quarter life crisis I think. I'm terrified of getting older and where my life is going and that just messes me up. I'd try to get some decent therapy, I don't think CBT will do much for you apart from targetting the specific problems like hypochondria. I'd at least get a proper assessment from a consultant psychiartrist and see what they recommend.
I think the main problem here is not getting over the past things that have happened to you, and this is manifested through the variety of problems you are suffering from. I think the best thing for you is to enter into counselling/therapy to work through all the things that happened in your past, this will only work if YOU will really want to do it. Good luck.
86501
The best person to go to is a doctor, they might not be able to solve your problems but they will know of good people to talk to and will probably get things moving in the right direction. I don't know which uni you're at but a lot of them have good Student Health Services and most universities are well set up to help so that you are able to seek professional help.


I excellent advice hopefully they will be wise following thus! :wink:
Reply 16
Thanks for the advice and comments, appreciated. I've been to see various doctors about my problems on several occasions; I've also seen about 4 different counsellors and 2 cognitive-behavioural therapists. Perhaps as I'm quite a cynical person, I don't really seem to believe in their ability to help me. Having studied psychology at A level I have a rough idea about how the talking therapies work, and combined with my political views, I'm a little paranoid about having my thoughts "changed" by someone to be more "normal".

As for medicine/drugs - I'd really rather not ever take them. Ever. I've seen what they can do to people; one of my friends was diagnosed with schizophrenia - wrongly in my opinion - and whilst on medication attempted to kill himself three times. Obviously I'm aware that I wouldn't be given such powerful drugs as he was, but drugs are always just a crutch at best.

I've been endeavouring to change my sleeping pattern. Last night I barely slept at all, and I'm trying to stay awake until around 10/11pm.

Go seek help!!

But some of them are negated later anyway, all your stuff about how bad you look etc dosnt go with what you say about sleeping with people. If people want to sleep with you then you cannae be as bad as you see yourself.


There's always someone who wants to sleep with you. It's just that, whilst other people would say "no, I have standards", I say "why not, it's the most affection I'm likely to see for a while."
Anonymous
Hello. Firstly a little background. I'm a 23 year old guy, in my final year of university. I took two years out between 16-18. My parents split up when I was 14, under circumstances that I'd rather not go into here. Suffice to say that my teenage years were much like the plotline of a soap - you probably wouldn't even believe it if I told you. Perhaps this isn't the best place to ask for advice, but I can't really talk to my friends about this anymore, and certainly not my family - perhaps there's someone here who's been through something remotely similar. This will be a very long post - sorry about that. Rather than spamming the board with a number of topics outlining my various problems, I thought I'd put them all in one post.

I suffer from anxiety, depression and anger issues. These problems all seem to dominate my life at one point, even if it's only one at a time. For example, my health anxieties (hypochondria) might take over for a few weeks, during that I will become obsessed with the idea that I have a certain serious illness like cancer, diabetes, tetanus, heart failure... well, you get the idea.

Then I might have a few weeks/months where I feel too depressed to really do anything other than stay up all night playing pointless games and sleeping all day. For large periods of the holidays, I only have fleeting human contact with my family.

Then there's the anger. This is something that affects me in any competitive sport or activity, such as computer games. I can't bear to lose at pool, football, online games, console games. I hate myself for failing, for being beaten at all, because it makes me feel weak, useless and inferior, like I did as a child when I was too asthmatic to compete in any sports. This often results in violent outbursts in which I shout, swear, throw the controller/smash the keyboard - I've even broken a pool cue before, and kicked goalposts when my football team has lost.

I'm seeing a cognitive-behavioural therapist, but he seems reluctant to talk about anything other than the hypochondria. I also see him very rarely, every 2-3 weeks at best. The therapy hasn't been very helpful so far.

There's also some other problems I've experienced:

Self-confidence issues I feel very bad about my physical appearance - I weigh 10 and a half stone at 6"2 and my hair is receding, my voice - I have a slight lisp - and my personality - I feel boring, unconventional, distant from other people.

Depersonalisation/derealisation I feel detatched from reality, as if I'm dead already. Nothing really feels real except for negative things like anger and fear and pain. An example: I was seeing someone for a while, a month or so ago. I liked her in theory; she was similar to me in certain ways and I found her physically attractive. But it didn't feel real when I was with her. I think this derealisation, or whatever it is, makes my outbursts of anger easier. In fact I'm scared that one day I'll actually do something far worse because I don't really feel real. I suppose it could be down to a permanent insomnia brought on by going to bed between 2-7 am since I was 16.

Lack of self-discipline I seem unable to do anything about my various problems. I've got it into my head that if I can just get up earlier and go to bed earlier, I'll be on the right tracks, but no matter how many times I set my alarm for, say, 11 am or 12, I end up turning it off, too tired force myself to get up. I've got two major essays due in for Friday, but I've no strength in myself to do them. I've not even looked at the questions in detail, let alone started.

Lack of self-control I've done things I regret, and I keep doing them. I've slept with girls I don't really feel attracted to, just because I can, just to see if I can feel something. I've said cruel things, done cruel things. This ties in with the anger problems of course. But I cannot stop myself from doing things. According to my friends, I make them very uncomfortable and ruin the night out if I lose my temper playing pool, or a console game with them. I've not been in a fight (other than a drunken scuffle with a friend) since I was 14, but that resulted in serious trouble with the school because I beat up five kids a year below me. At the time I couldn't stop myself, I just wanted to kill them.

Alcohol abuse When I'm at university particularly, I tend to rely on alcohol to help with these problems. I typically drink 4-6 pints on a night out, and often go out 5 nights a week. I also keep a bottle of whisky by my computer for emergencies. I rarely get very drunk anymore - but that might just be that I'm so tolerant to alcohol that I cannot.

Self-hatred For reasons detailed above, amongst others, I feel an intense sense of self-loathing at times. Although I've never cut myself or anything, I'll often hit myself in the face/head. I hate myself for being too weak to change my life, and for being an unpleasant person to be around, and for letting other people walk over me.


I'm not sure which of these problems is worse. Perhaps the hypochondria; it's got to the point where I won't eat certain foods incase I get food poisoning. I think they all interrelate, like some sort of tangled web of venom. The depression has been here for a long time. I've never really attempted suicide - I've held a gun to my head when I was younger, and considered jumping off a bridge, but I fear death far too much to entertain it seriously. I've been offered medicines by various doctors, but I really, really don't want to EVER take anything that alters my mind. Even something like cannabis (which I've only taken a handful of times) I find to be disturbing, probably because things feel unreal enough as it is.

Anyway, I'll go into more detail if needed, but this is probably long enough already. Thanks to anyone who reads it.


I just want to say...you really should seek medical help. I understand some of what you've been through- although my parents didn't actually split up, just nearly did. I also suffer/have suffered from anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. Some of the other stuff here I can relate to as well but I don't really want to go into it here. PM me if you want to talk, though x