Not on speaking terms with my friend

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 2 years ago
#1
Hiya so I’m in an uncomfortable situation at the moment between my ex-friend in college and would really like to know your guys’ opinion of what you think and how I should handle the situation. I’ll try to summarise what has gone on between us and I’ll address her as H.

So, it was the day we broke up for half-term holidays (end of October) in college and I was in the library after my first lesson as I was free until my next class after lunch which me and H share. I had seen H across the library on the computers and decided to move and sit next to her as she was alone. We’re on the computers and just talking and catching up on some work etc. As we were joking around and having a bit of a laugh, I mentioned it was my crush’s birthday the next day and she asked me who? I was about to say his name until she said it and I nodded. I think she remembered as I had told her a while back. I was just telling her how he’s quite sweet and funny when she said well I don’t think anything would come out of it if you two ever got together. I asked her what do you mean? She said well I just can’t see you two together it just wouldn’t make sense… I can’t exactly remember what she was saying but it was very similar to that. It was quite insulting as to me it seemed like she was saying he’s better than me in a way when she was elaborating her answer. She didn’t exactly say those words but she may as well have. Obviously, I didn’t want to draw up conclusions so I shrugged it off.

Before summer, H had a massive crush on a guy in the second-year which she had told me about. I always encouraged her to speak to him and even gave her hope when some of our friends (that we both know) who also knew said she may as well not bother as she kind of backed out if she were to go ahead and speak to him. She used to make us especially me find out information about him which I didn’t mind I guess at the time but I was there for her in a way. So, when she said this to me about my crush it was like a punch in the gut after everything we’ve done. I thought it was cause she didn’t get with her crush, she felt as though I can’t do anything… I’m probably thinking a bit too far ahead but I don’t know cause at the time it felt like that. In library, I told her how I supported her feelings for her crush, by the way she didn’t have feelings anymore for him after he did his A-levels and left college. She said you were kind of just giving me false hope I mean I knew I wouldn’t be with him I just had to face the facts. I told her yeah but I was being genuine and really telling you to go for it with him. She just said well I didn’t like him anyway (since one of our friends told her he was a womaniser a few days before he broke up). I told her to at least talk to him before we found out and she use to come to me for advice. She never talked to him or anything whereas the guy I like, myself and him share 2 classes from last year and now 1 class but we talk and joke around. Like we’ve even hanged out outside of class and he’s invited me to a few of his parties.

But I felt like after library that was petty so I was still talking to her and shrugged everything off. But then she had to hand in an application form which more or less everyone who has to hand that in handed it like during September. The lady in the office said she couldn’t accept the application as the parent signature wasn’t filled in. H tried to persuade the women (she is an auntie of one of H’s friends) yet the woman was adamant. Outside the office, I told H that she should’ve scanned through her application to see if anything was missing. She then said yeah well I thought it was and that woman’s so annoying she could’ve accepted it blah blah blah. I said well she was right as the application has to be processed by someone above her so she can’t give it them. She stared at me like I was in the wrong and said why are you supporting her, I was in the right. H said the lady was picking on her but I didn’t think so. The woman is really nice and was just trying to make her understand. She asked me what to do and I just told her to ring her dad up and tell him to sign it. She was contemplating and barely listening then when I suggested something she would say I’m stressing her out even more like what the hell? It’s like she just keeps me around for company then says I’m annoying when she doesn’t want me around.

We went class but it was cancelled and H was talking to the girl who’s related to the office lady as though she weren’t b*tching about her auntie a few mins ago. Then she forged her dad’s signature and handed it to the lady saying her dad came in when he didn’t but never mind that. We were going to walk down the hill together and one of her other friends when she was laughing and saying I don’t know why I was so stressed, in fact it was you (pointing at me) who was causing so much stress. I told her I was just helping you out etc. she’s like you should just go home alone then since you caused so much stress and being negative. I honestly should have, I was still a bit shocked she said that. Her friend was feeling a little awkward and on the way down the hill they were both talking whereas I just walked with them but didn’t talk. Then I received a message saying ‘I’m sorry if I offended you today x’ I just replied ‘It’s ohryt’ but I didn’t know if I could forgive her cause she was being brutal. I’m glad she apologised but she only recognised her mistakes when I wasn’t talking. When we returned from the holidays I wasn’t really talking to her and she knew and kept saying ‘Why aren’t you talking to me?’ I just made an excuse that it was too early to talk as I was tired. I sit next to her in class and it’s awkward sometimes as her friends sit around us but they are nice and talk. Last week her pen feel under my chair, I was going to get it but she huffed and was grumbling so I didn’t. I would apologise but it’s just not fair since I’m always the first to apologise. I can go on in class without talking to her but just don’t know what to do?
Sorry it is really really long just wanted to put it all out there so you know what is going on.
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Hopefully1
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Report 2 years ago
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Do you have other friends you hang out with? I'm sure she's been your really good friend but friendships do change. I'm not sure why she couldn't be supportive about your crush and you were right to be supportive of her and also right to call her out on not being supportive of you.

What happened in the office, in my opinion, was she was embarrassed about being late to turn the application in initially and didn't want to have to deal w/ that application any more and was irritated and further embarrassed that she still needed a signature. I think her response to the lady in the office is somewhat telling of her personality right now. Your friend was in the wrong but she didn't want to be told that and just wanted to be done with the whole thing so she blamed the woman in the office and took no personal responsibility or even acknowledged she'd made a mistake. You're advice to her was correct she should have rang up her father and had him sign the application. And you are correct that the office lady had to hand that application to someone above her and was only implementing protocol that every other student was required to follow.

Then the fact that she was so casual and forged a signature and blamed you for her stress....... yea, I'm thinking you need to hang w/ some new people if you can.

She, however, feels her 'apology' text and your reply puts everything back the was it was. She's shown she's not good at taking personal responsibility and that is not likely to change w/ your friendship meaning she is unlikely to very genuinely apologize because she doesn't feel she's really done much wrong. You can address this with her but don't expect much remorse from her (well I'd be surprised anyway). She is in a repeating pattern of: don't tell me what I don't want to hear, "I didn't do anything wrong", I'll say whatever I want to you..... etc. She's not likely to change for a while because these are very immature behaviors and it will require some maturing for her to 'see' what needs to be changed. So, you can continue to hang out w/ her but expect the same behavior from her (but you'll still have fun times too I'm sure) or you can hang w/ some other girls and build on those friendships and hopefully they're a bit more mature. Best of Luck!
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