The Student Room Group

Is this normal in a sexual relationship?

This is hard to write about, so I am very sorry if my wording does not make too much sense.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time. We are sexually intimate. However, I have not been well and have not been wanting sex. When I make it clear I do not want to have sex, he lays next to me still and says that it makes him angry not having sex and it’s like the only thing to stop the anger and I suggest he go and I don’t know?? Take care of his feelings? But he says he doesn’t want to so stays there angrily and I feel bad so I do eventually have sex. I don’t know what to do?? Is this normal?

Scroll to see replies

I do not think you have a very supportive boyfriend, so I'd suggest it is time to move on to someone who will respect your feelings.
No it is not normal.

If you don't want sex he should respect that. No-one has a "right" to sex with another human being, it is a consensual act. Or should be.
Not normal, tell him to get his **** together or break up with him.
No this isn’t normal, he is being manipulative to get you to carry out sexual acts. I.e “if you don’t do this I will be angry and that will be your fault” this is actually a pretty serious form of abuse. Leave him!!!!!!!
Reply 5
It pretty piggish. What's he otherwise like? Easy decision if this is typical.
Sex should always be your decision. You mustn’t be guilt tripped into it. If he can’t respect your boundaries then maybe he ain’t the one let him go girl. Red flag
Reply 7
Thank you for all of your replies.

It has been happening a lot. He will also come over and we will do sexual things and he will leave soon after?? He also doesn’t really reply to any of my texts etc and says I am embarrassing like when we are out with friends? And avoids me when we are at parties etc. He also says I like attention off of other guys but I really don’t. And has called me a **** and has threatened to tell someone else I asked him to beat them up if I didn’t find out some information off of this girl and tell him? I am so confused because he says he loves me but there are things that are hurting me a lot. It has all changed so quickly in the relationship but he says I am crazy and that therapy has changed me into being someone else?? I am so hurt and confused.
That is honestly incredibly strange and quite disturbing. Why would he even feel like he has a right to be angry about that? why would he even be angry in the first place? why would he want to have sex with you when you don't want to? why would he want to guilt you into it in that way? He's not ever entitled to have sex with you, if you have said you don't want to and he behaves in that way it's showing some really concerning character traits. Huge red flag and really quite pathetic behaviour. Leave and find someone who deserves and respects you xxx
Reply 9
If you stay in this relationships you will loss of self-esteem, followed by failure.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you for all of your replies.

It has been happening a lot. He will also come over and we will do sexual things and he will leave soon after?? He also doesn’t really reply to any of my texts etc and says I am embarrassing like when we are out with friends? And avoids me when we are at parties etc. He also says I like attention off of other guys but I really don’t. And has called me a **** and has threatened to tell someone else I asked him to beat them up if I didn’t find out some information off of this girl and tell him? I am so confused because he says he loves me but there are things that are hurting me a lot. It has all changed so quickly in the relationship but he says I am crazy and that therapy has changed me into being someone else?? I am so hurt and confused.


This just sounds horrible for you. It just reads like classic abuse to be honest, it's difficult to see that when you're still with the person but honestly you'll feel so much better after you've left him. So many people have had relationships like this and the biggest regret is not leaving sooner. You can't fix someone who is like that and you're wasting time you could be be spending with people who make you happy xx
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you for all of your replies.

It has been happening a lot. He will also come over and we will do sexual things and he will leave soon after?? He also doesn’t really reply to any of my texts etc and says I am embarrassing like when we are out with friends? And avoids me when we are at parties etc. He also says I like attention off of other guys but I really don’t. And has called me a **** and has threatened to tell someone else I asked him to beat them up if I didn’t find out some information off of this girl and tell him? I am so confused because he says he loves me but there are things that are hurting me a lot. It has all changed so quickly in the relationship but he says I am crazy and that therapy has changed me into being someone else?? I am so hurt and confused.


He sounds absolutely vile, what is it that you see in him or like about him?
This guy is abusive. Please get away from him as soon as you possibly can.
Original post by del1rious
No this isn’t normal, he is being manipulative to get you to carry out sexual acts. I.e “if you don’t do this I will be angry and that will be your fault” this is actually a pretty serious form of abuse. Leave him!!!!!!!


Original post by doodle_333
This guy is abusive. Please get away from him as soon as you possibly can.


Original post by pumpkinpandy
This just sounds horrible for you. It just reads like classic abuse to be honest, it's difficult to see that when you're still with the person but honestly you'll feel so much better after you've left him. So many people have had relationships like this and the biggest regret is not leaving sooner. You can't fix someone who is like that and you're wasting time you could be be spending with people who make you happy xx


This, leave him.
Attachment not found
no dude that's really manipulative of your boyfriend. like what did he do when he was single? you don't have to have sex with him even when you're feeling well, let alone when you're ill. combined with the way he treats you in the rest of the relationship (ignoring you except for sex, avoiding you, blackmailing/threatening you) I'd say he was being abusive, it sounds incredibly unhealthy. I don't know the situation with you and therapy, but I can guess that it made you a happier and more confident person and he decided he didn't like that so is trying to beat you back down again. even though he says he loves you, this relationship isn't good for you x
it's emotional abuse. Don't stand for it. He has no right t your body. Either tell him he needs to respect you or you'll be off
Your boyfriend is immature and incomprehensible. Dump him and enjoy watching him crawling and begging for your forgiveness and to take him back
Original post by Trinculo
Lol. The good old TSR "emotionally abusive boyfriend" who "isn't entitled to have sex" and "doesn't own your body"

Wait, wait. Let me guess what's coming next...... "Please leave him. Find someone who deserves you."

OP - if you don't want to have sex - don't have sex. You're presumably a grown up who can organise your own relationship.

If everyone listened to the moralising finger-wagging meddlers on TSR - well let's just say the world overpopulation problem would be sorted out.

If this is their standard for "emotional abuse" and ground for breaking up - well - I'd hazard a guess that at least half their families would be seperated and actively looking for partners that "deserve them more". Most men want sex all the time. Most women want to withold it. Who's abusing whom?


This is how I feel already - that I am abusing him by not fulfilling his emotional/sexual needs and that I neglect him. This consumes me all the time and I feel so so guilty. However, from other posts, idk I’m starting to think it’s not okay for him to get so angry. He lays there with his fists clenched and looks really aggressive and sad and says that sex is what he needs to not be angry and sad at that moment. I understand people have sexual needs but maybe he could put that across in a better way?? I don’t know. It’s been going on for a long time. I’m 17 so I don’t know if you think I’m an adult or not but I have sex because I don’t want him to be angry or sad. It isn’t something I just do straight away. He can be laying there for a long time. It scares me sometimes, I guess and I feel responsible for him not being sad mostly. He has said before he has voices telling him to harm me as well. I’m not withholding it like you said anyway. But anyway any person has the right to say no to their partner??? Or anyone? It’s someone’s body?? I wouldn’t think another person was being abusive by not being in the mood at a particular time? Idk I feel the that way about myself and this relationship atm but I guess you’re saying I’m right to feel that?
This is OP. It just made me worried that I have realised I believe I abuse and neglect my boyfriend by not wanting to have sex because I would never in a million years think that of someone else in a relationship or not. It is always always always okay to say no. Everyone owns their own body. I didn’t want anyone else in a similar situation to read what I said and think that of themselves. It made me very sad. Your body is yours. Always. And I need to work out why I am feeling like I do in this relationship when I would never think that of anyone else. Ever. Thank you for all of your replies. I am so grateful for your kindness x

Quick Reply