I'm scared to Lose my BF but I know I need to
I apologize in advance for the essay.
Me and my boyfriend of (a tad over a year) had just completely changed.
We started off as friends for YEARS and then dated one time, two years ago now, but only for a month. (sorry if stuff like this is too much), but he wrecked his car and almost died high on Xanax bars, he lied to me all the time. so I broke up with him, not to sound b**chy at all, I loved him and it was really hard for me because I knew him for all those years. my parents had done drugs all their lives and so I couldn't be with somebody who was **cked up all the time. So we went our separate ways for a year and accidentally met again in the same spot we met for the first time ever. it was weird almost, like love at first sight, if you will. a week later I contacted him, and we met up and he was like a new person. he was incredible and there was a spark every time I looked at him. (he still had a drug problem but for some reason I overlooked it this time). he told me he never stopped loving me the year we weren't together.
fast forward to now, 13 official months together and I feel like I'm drowning. let me elaborate. I have an anxiety disorder, and at first he was comforting when I would panic and now, he tells me I use it as an excuse for attention. and refuses to help me. instead he walks away and leaves me standing there. i can't come to him about anything because I'm scared to tell him that I'm anxious. he tells me all the time to stop crying and to get over it, even if he calls me names and says horrible things about my demeanor.
He never wants to go do anything. all he wants to do is smoke weed. (HE'S ON PROBATION) all i do is sit on the couch and wait, hoping he'll want to get up and go somewhere with me. and anytime we are together out hanging out, he always talks about wishing we could just be home with his friends smoking. There's no romance. He doesn't miss being with me when we're apart.
it's like he doesn't care that he could go to jail for messing up his probation, he doesn't care that it would drive me crazy. if he went to jail, I don't know what I would do. I'm so dependent on him (and yes I know how bad that is), but I admit that I am.
I feel stuck in this relationship because I love him so much but it hurts when I'm with him. He doesn't even go to class, he's failed freshman year of college twice and he doesn't even know what he wants to do with his bloody life!!!!! I want to adventure and be successful and all he can think about is getting off of probation so he can do more drugs. That's not healthy for me.
He makes every fight my fault, resents me for the littlest things (like the dog scratching on the door or getting a bad work shift), and he WILL NOT APOLOGIZE.
that's his biggest thing here. is that he won't apologize to me. if I'm right, if he's right, if nobody right, he won't say sorry. even if I'm crying, even if he just shoved me, he won't apologize. he holds his pride so high up in the air that he can't even think about my emotions. I feel like a friend to him that he feels forced to hang out with.
anytime I try and talk to him about how I feel he says "I'm just not enough" and that's not the case... I don't want to break up with him, he is enough and I love him. I just don't know how to get him off his high horse. somebody please just give it to me straight. he's mean but I don't know what I'd do without him...
Me and my boyfriend of (a tad over a year) had just completely changed.
We started off as friends for YEARS and then dated one time, two years ago now, but only for a month. (sorry if stuff like this is too much), but he wrecked his car and almost died high on Xanax bars, he lied to me all the time. so I broke up with him, not to sound b**chy at all, I loved him and it was really hard for me because I knew him for all those years. my parents had done drugs all their lives and so I couldn't be with somebody who was **cked up all the time. So we went our separate ways for a year and accidentally met again in the same spot we met for the first time ever. it was weird almost, like love at first sight, if you will. a week later I contacted him, and we met up and he was like a new person. he was incredible and there was a spark every time I looked at him. (he still had a drug problem but for some reason I overlooked it this time). he told me he never stopped loving me the year we weren't together.
fast forward to now, 13 official months together and I feel like I'm drowning. let me elaborate. I have an anxiety disorder, and at first he was comforting when I would panic and now, he tells me I use it as an excuse for attention. and refuses to help me. instead he walks away and leaves me standing there. i can't come to him about anything because I'm scared to tell him that I'm anxious. he tells me all the time to stop crying and to get over it, even if he calls me names and says horrible things about my demeanor.
He never wants to go do anything. all he wants to do is smoke weed. (HE'S ON PROBATION) all i do is sit on the couch and wait, hoping he'll want to get up and go somewhere with me. and anytime we are together out hanging out, he always talks about wishing we could just be home with his friends smoking. There's no romance. He doesn't miss being with me when we're apart.
it's like he doesn't care that he could go to jail for messing up his probation, he doesn't care that it would drive me crazy. if he went to jail, I don't know what I would do. I'm so dependent on him (and yes I know how bad that is), but I admit that I am.
I feel stuck in this relationship because I love him so much but it hurts when I'm with him. He doesn't even go to class, he's failed freshman year of college twice and he doesn't even know what he wants to do with his bloody life!!!!! I want to adventure and be successful and all he can think about is getting off of probation so he can do more drugs. That's not healthy for me.
He makes every fight my fault, resents me for the littlest things (like the dog scratching on the door or getting a bad work shift), and he WILL NOT APOLOGIZE.
that's his biggest thing here. is that he won't apologize to me. if I'm right, if he's right, if nobody right, he won't say sorry. even if I'm crying, even if he just shoved me, he won't apologize. he holds his pride so high up in the air that he can't even think about my emotions. I feel like a friend to him that he feels forced to hang out with.
anytime I try and talk to him about how I feel he says "I'm just not enough" and that's not the case... I don't want to break up with him, he is enough and I love him. I just don't know how to get him off his high horse. somebody please just give it to me straight. he's mean but I don't know what I'd do without him...
He’s toxic, get rid, pronto.
Defo start distancing yourself girl. The sooner you start the less it will hurt. Honestly you can do so so much better and you'll be fine without him! Believe in yourself and certainly don't let him put you down like that. You're human too its not wrong how you feel but this relationship if I'm honest does not sound healthy especially how you said he would just walk away the he knows you have an anxiety disorder. That's not cool. Trust me you can do it just distance and move on, if it helps I'd say instead of thinking of good times think more of the worse times. Write it down and if you ever miss him just remember he was an a**hole and forget. You'll be fine!
Know your self-worth period. Don't put up with s*** like that come on you said it yourself - you "know" you need to lose him and tbh I'm not seeing any major positives in this relationship in fact it appears to be quite destructive and you don't deserve that.
It definitely pays to put yourself first, idc if people say that's selfish - idgaf - sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
Take the plunge. Do it. Dump him. If he truly loves you he'll try and fix himself in some way whether it's getting help or whatever.
Maybe I'm over simplifying the whole ordeal but at the end of the day you gotta follow that feeling deep down and if it's telling you to leave.... *shrug* 👀
Good luck 💛
It definitely pays to put yourself first, idc if people say that's selfish - idgaf - sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
Take the plunge. Do it. Dump him. If he truly loves you he'll try and fix himself in some way whether it's getting help or whatever.
Maybe I'm over simplifying the whole ordeal but at the end of the day you gotta follow that feeling deep down and if it's telling you to leave.... *shrug* 👀
Good luck 💛
(edited 6 years ago)
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