Is this a problem???- Not being able to open up to people

Hi, basicially iam a 18 yr old girl and i don't open up to people. I have really great friends and a good family etc who iam close to but i've never been able to open up to them about my emotions. no one apart from myself really knows what i want and what iam feeling. iam able to talk to my friends about their problems and emotions but i never open up to them myself and i do trust them. and what i really want to know is whether this is a serious problem and i should learn to open up to people or whether you guys think that its ok. I've also never been in a relationship/ had a bf/ been kissed etc before and want to know whether this attitude will make it hard for me to be in a relationship. will men be ok with me not opeing up to them? i really want a bf but whenever the subjects of boys comes up when my friends and i are talking about it i always say no.

Also, recently my friend (not really that close to her) told me that i should change my personality and get rid of my 'don't care' attitude. As it's bad but the thing is i don't care that i have this side to persoanlity. i mean no one has ever told me iam a cold/ heartless person before, cos usually i try to help people solve their issues etc.

so basicially want iam asking is that is it ok for me to carry on or should i try to care more and open up about my emotions?

thanks :tsr2:

Reply 1

ticos

13

I think it's only a problem if it's making you miserable. When you are in a relationship you will need to open up, but I'm sure you'll be able to do that when you meet someone who you want to start a relationship with. I don't think there is anything that you 'should' be doing. The only problem with the 'don't care' attitude is that it can come across as a bit arrogant, and that will definitely distance people. To be honest though, if you have a close group of friends then you're probably not that stand-offish.

Reply 2

moshing-fairy

14

like the person above said, it's only bad if it makes you feel bad.
personally i've always been a bit like that. i mean i open up to close friends and my close family but in general i've always been told im a bit cold with people, especcially new people.
in general i just think it's a defence mechanism.
i do think it will make r-ships harder though.
i think im generally worse about it in r-ships, but ive still managed to have 2 good long term r-ships. the other person will find it hard in the r-ship if you are holding back so much, and surely it wont make you happy.

just try and start talking about your feelings more.
and you might find yourself melting. :smile:

i dont think it's that bad a thing. some people are so in your face, it's good to be in control of yourself. but then it's unhealthy to keep everything in and not let people close to you, help you with your problems, feelings etc.

goood luck,.
xxxxxxxxx

Reply 3

Cynicism 101

11

Don't worry, I'm exactly the same. I never open up to people, and I don't trust anyone even thought I have good friends, nice family etc. I call it a severe lack in emotion, but it doesn't make me feel any less better, so as long as you don't feel "trapped" or something similar, I think it's fine.

Reply 4

MissBlue

OP

this issue doesn't make me unhappy, i don't feel trapped and iam a happy person :smile:

I agree i do think it's a defence mechanism but not cos iam scared of hurting its just i don't want to really bother people, i'd rather get on with it by myself, this is the first time i've ever asked for advice and iam only able to do this cos its on the internet and you don't know me. i don't want people to know the real me. and i know the first impression people get of me is that iam quite a quiet sometimes shy person, which is kinda true.

but do you think if iam in a relationship i'll open up naturally or will i have to force myself?

Reply 5

Sanity Panda

Personally I think you may have to force yourself to accommodate other people more, assuming you go for someone who is emotionally more dependant than you. Having said that, when you're in a relationship. You'll open up to the other person naturally.

Reply 6

ciara

13

I'm exactly the same as you. I think my friends think I'm more open than I am - I tell them select pieces of info that don't really matter to me, but never talk about feelings etc. I don't mean to be like that and I'm always people's shoulder to cry on, they'd be fine if I got upset or something, but I just can't physically be emotional or open or anything with people.

I haven't changed really. When I got my first proper boyfriend when I was 15 he eventually got me sharing stuff with him and I finally had an emotional closeness I'd never had before, which was great. I've had several good relationships since, but the problem is I now find it's ONLY with boyfriends that I show the 'real me' almost...I guess that might be true with a lot of girls to an extent but there is so much I hold back from almost everyone. There is a major problem with this: break ups are incredibly difficult to deal with, as it feels like I've lost the only person who knows the important stuff. I desperately try to stay friends with my exes, and as a result have had a few slightly dysfunctional 'friendships' which I would not recommmend. However, I do have exes who are very close to me now and who I can talk to still.

I think you'll either struggle to have a close relationship or turn into me. Both aren't great. I think maybe you should try to open up just a tiny bit more. That's what I'm trying to do. You don't have to tell you friends every detail of your life, you don't have to lean on them, but just try to share a bit more of yourself. I think it does pay off, if you have decent friends to start off with they'll be even better ones.

Reply 7

suicidal_dream

1

i used to bottle everything up, refused to share stuff with people, then i'd end up exploding.

Ive definitely found it easier to open up to boyfriends than anyone else, so don't panic.
If you're happy with how you are, then don't worry about it.

Reply 8

Christien

MissBlue

Hi, basicially iam a 18 yr old girl and i don't open up to people. I have really great friends and a good family etc who iam close to but i've never been able to open up to them about my emotions. no one apart from myself really knows what i want and what iam feeling. iam able to talk to my friends about their problems and emotions but i never open up to them myself and i do trust them. and what i really want to know is whether this is a serious problem and i should learn to open up to people or whether you guys think that its ok. I've also never been in a relationship/ had a bf/ been kissed etc before and want to know whether this attitude will make it hard for me to be in a relationship. will men be ok with me not opeing up to them? i really want a bf but whenever the subjects of boys comes up when my friends and i are talking about it i always say no.

Also, recently my friend (not really that close to her) told me that i should change my personality and get rid of my 'don't care' attitude. As it's bad but the thing is i don't care that i have this side to persoanlity. i mean no one has ever told me iam a cold/ heartless person before, cos usually i try to help people solve their issues etc.

so basicially want iam asking is that is it ok for me to carry on or should i try to care more and open up about my emotions?

thanks :tsr2:

it's perfectly normal to tell only a few people your innermost feelings. if you told everyone people would know everything about your personal life and nobody wants that.

you most likely wont have trouble in a relationship situation, as men generally don't open up anyway (unless they're the sort of people who listen to bright eyes and co.)- i am a textbook example. wait as long as it takes to feel comfortable before opening your emotional pandora's box.

your friend is a dick. never compromise. never surrender. your personality is your essence- you can't change it, and you shouldn't.

carry on how you want. sorry if this has been entirely useless. it probably has.

Reply 9

matt@internet

12

I'd be fine with a g/f opening up to me.

Reply 10

theredwindmill

9

paranoid_IB

Don't worry, I'm exactly the same. I never open up to people, and I don't trust anyone even thought I have good friends, nice family etc.

I'm exactly the same i don't trust people easily, but i found out that my ex boyfriend really helped me come out of my shell because i could talk to him. And don't listen to your friend if you were cold hearted you wouldn't be helping other people.

Reply 11

MissBlue

OP

thanks for the replies, i guess most people think i should just stay the same :smile:

but if i was to be more open how will i go about doing it, it doesn't come naturally to me?

Reply 12

PasserBy9

11

There seem to be quite a few people on here that are in the same situation/feel they are the same.
I suppose that sometimes I start to question how much of a friend a friend can be without know your feelings, but that is probably just me being philosophical. Also, I am not sure why people confide in me, perhaps it is something about me, the look of 'he has no friend to tell anyway'? (Just kidding)
Personally I like the separation I can feel when I want to, something individual/unknown to make you different.

Reply 13

Vampyrcorn

14

I used to be like you, (but I'm not really anymore). I'll be honest with you, it did cause problems with close friendships for me eventually. For example I remember one person once had a go at me because she said she shared everything with me and never got anything back. I can see her point to be honest.
So... this might cause trouble for you in relationships if your boyfriend feels that way.

But it might not, you'll just have to try it and see. :p:

but if i was to be more open how will i go about doing it, it doesn't come naturally to me?

Test it out on a non-judgemental friend. I think once you start opening up it gets easier to continue. It's a really nice feeling when you realise that people aren't shocked by you when you start to tell them your dirty secrets. ;yes;

If you're interested, the reason I'm not like that anymore is because I realised how liberating it is to be honest about feelings (to an extent). It makes life easier, in my opinion, when you at least feel that you can rely on your friends for support and can feel comfortable enough around them to be completely 'yourself', without having to pretend you don't want a boyfriend and things like that. :biggrin:

Is this a problem???- Not being able to open up to people

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