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Why can't I trust him again?
Anon cause friends use this site and don't know about the following situation, and I don't really want them to know.
I was asked by a friend to go and visit him for a weekend soon - something I would love to do. He moved away a few months back and I've not really seen him since, and it would be nice to spend a few days with him. Problem is, last time I spent a weekend away from my boyfriend he *kinda* cheated on me. It's a little difficult to explain:
Basically, before me and my bf got together he was talking to a girl online and they had been getting quite "intimate" via msn and webcam (something I can't say I wholey approved of at the time as we were "more than friends but less than a couple" for quite a while before we got together). A few days after we finally said we'd give it a proper go as a couple I found that he was still talking to her in the same manner, which upset me quite obviously! This I can forgive - we were both a little unsure how things were going at the time, and it made us sit down and talk and see where we wanted to go, and he told me he'd stopped talking to her. Nearly 2 months into the relationship I had to go away for the weekend to see my Grandparents. When I came back, I had a horrible feeling of forboding, and I read his msn history with the girl in question, and whilst he had told her about me, he was still having conversations of a sexual nature and asking to use the webcam.
I texted him and basically told him it was over - he was at work at the time, and promptly drove home to come and talk to me. He burst into tears (not something you see ex-rugby players doing a lot) and apologised for hours on end. We sat and talked and he admitted he was still confused where we stood and felt pretty messed up about it.
It took a while, but I forgave him - it wasn't like him at all, and I believe he was genuinely quite confused about the way things were with us. Now, four months later, I want to go away for the weekend, but I still don't know if I can trust him! He lets me use his computer all the time, I know most of his passwords (not because I asked him, mostly because he's asked me to check things for him while he's at work and the like) and he knows most of mine. He's told me about another girl he used to talk to well before we got together, and he's been totally open about what they talked about, and if she talks to him on msn now.
I have noticed that he's deleted all his msn conversations and stopped saving them tho, and it kinda worries me. I wish I didn't feel so paranoid about it, but he's lied to me in the past and I'm scared he'll do it again
I told him I was worried about this weekend away, and that I'm still mad with him for making me feel so paranoid about not being around him incase he strays again.
I don't really know what to do I love him to the ends of the earth, he's my best mate and I really want to trust him without having to check his phone messages or wonder who he's speaking to online when I'm not about
Sorry for the long post, guess I just needed to get my thoughts down on paper, as it were. Any suggestions - do you think I'm being fair on him? And am I right to worry if I go away for the weekend?
I was asked by a friend to go and visit him for a weekend soon - something I would love to do. He moved away a few months back and I've not really seen him since, and it would be nice to spend a few days with him. Problem is, last time I spent a weekend away from my boyfriend he *kinda* cheated on me. It's a little difficult to explain:
Basically, before me and my bf got together he was talking to a girl online and they had been getting quite "intimate" via msn and webcam (something I can't say I wholey approved of at the time as we were "more than friends but less than a couple" for quite a while before we got together). A few days after we finally said we'd give it a proper go as a couple I found that he was still talking to her in the same manner, which upset me quite obviously! This I can forgive - we were both a little unsure how things were going at the time, and it made us sit down and talk and see where we wanted to go, and he told me he'd stopped talking to her. Nearly 2 months into the relationship I had to go away for the weekend to see my Grandparents. When I came back, I had a horrible feeling of forboding, and I read his msn history with the girl in question, and whilst he had told her about me, he was still having conversations of a sexual nature and asking to use the webcam.
I texted him and basically told him it was over - he was at work at the time, and promptly drove home to come and talk to me. He burst into tears (not something you see ex-rugby players doing a lot) and apologised for hours on end. We sat and talked and he admitted he was still confused where we stood and felt pretty messed up about it.
It took a while, but I forgave him - it wasn't like him at all, and I believe he was genuinely quite confused about the way things were with us. Now, four months later, I want to go away for the weekend, but I still don't know if I can trust him! He lets me use his computer all the time, I know most of his passwords (not because I asked him, mostly because he's asked me to check things for him while he's at work and the like) and he knows most of mine. He's told me about another girl he used to talk to well before we got together, and he's been totally open about what they talked about, and if she talks to him on msn now.
I have noticed that he's deleted all his msn conversations and stopped saving them tho, and it kinda worries me. I wish I didn't feel so paranoid about it, but he's lied to me in the past and I'm scared he'll do it again
I told him I was worried about this weekend away, and that I'm still mad with him for making me feel so paranoid about not being around him incase he strays again.
I don't really know what to do
I love him to the ends of the earth, he's my best mate and I really want to trust him without having to check his phone messages or wonder who he's speaking to online when I'm not about Sorry for the long post, guess I just needed to get my thoughts down on paper, as it were. Any suggestions - do you think I'm being fair on him? And am I right to worry if I go away for the weekend?
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yes i totally think your right to be worrying, i mean if u did the same thing to him, do you not think he would be worrying too??
my friends have had similar situations as this before, and i say the same thing every time. if you were getting together and he liked you enough then would he really need attention and affection from other girls? i bet you havent done a similar thing to him, although i think you definately should give him a taste of his own medicine!!
guys use the same excuses again and again... and its so easy to forgive someone when they get all tearful on you, isnt it?? ive done it many times... especially when ur trying to split with someone and they turn the water works on!!
u said hes been deleting his msn messages.. im not a jelous person, but i can totally understand why ur worrying. if u dont have any proof then he can tell u whatever he wants cant he?
love is blind.. thats what ive always been taught. have u spoken to him about why hes been deleting things?
my friends have had similar situations as this before, and i say the same thing every time. if you were getting together and he liked you enough then would he really need attention and affection from other girls? i bet you havent done a similar thing to him, although i think you definately should give him a taste of his own medicine!!
guys use the same excuses again and again... and its so easy to forgive someone when they get all tearful on you, isnt it?? ive done it many times... especially when ur trying to split with someone and they turn the water works on!!
u said hes been deleting his msn messages.. im not a jelous person, but i can totally understand why ur worrying. if u dont have any proof then he can tell u whatever he wants cant he?
love is blind.. thats what ive always been taught. have u spoken to him about why hes been deleting things?
Reply 2
I kinda can't, cause let's face it, I shouldn't be going through his stuff anyway! That said, I'm sat typing this on his computer - I think if he had something to hide he'd not let me stay at his house all day while he's a work! I don't know, I guess I'm kinda confused. He's the one who sort of suggests we spend every second we have spare together, and while I would love some space I guess I'm worried he'll see that as a bit of a rejection!
Problem is, we both over analyse, and it'll end up in a row, which I dont want. I've known him quite a while now, well over a year, and we've been really close since we met - but I also know how insecure he is and wonder whether that's why he was talking to this girl in the first place.
Problem is, we both over analyse, and it'll end up in a row, which I dont want. I've known him quite a while now, well over a year, and we've been really close since we met - but I also know how insecure he is and wonder whether that's why he was talking to this girl in the first place.
if he sees it as a bit of rejection, it willl bruise his ego. treat them mean, keep them keen??
if u do go ur own way, then he will realise wat u mean 2 him, and if he is chatting to other girls, he will realise how insignificant they r compared to u? its ur life at the end of the day, and u shud be living it the way u want, bcos ur happy with it.
is it a fair relationship? or do u think hes in more control than u?
if u do go ur own way, then he will realise wat u mean 2 him, and if he is chatting to other girls, he will realise how insignificant they r compared to u? its ur life at the end of the day, and u shud be living it the way u want, bcos ur happy with it.
is it a fair relationship? or do u think hes in more control than u?
Reply 5
Nope, there's no real control issue. If I want to do something I'll do it. He only nags if it's something I need to do, lol! Like getting a new job lol! He's totally on my side with everthing - I had some trouble with my landlord (student housing, grrrr) and he was there standing up for me and my housemate - he's helping me out with money at the moment because I'm jobless 
. I don't doubt in the slightest that he loves me - last night I got quite upset about not trusting him and wanting to go away, and started crying - he was welling up to, which as I pointed out, isn't like him. I know he's ashamed of what he did, but it still doesn't stop me worrying.
I may write him an email - I'm hopeless at getting across what I want to say face to face in a situation like this!
. I don't doubt in the slightest that he loves me - last night I got quite upset about not trusting him and wanting to go away, and started crying - he was welling up to, which as I pointed out, isn't like him. I know he's ashamed of what he did, but it still doesn't stop me worrying. I may write him an email - I'm hopeless at getting across what I want to say face to face in a situation like this!
Reply 6
punktopia
When you said "kinda cheated" you meant "didn't actually cheat at all". He didn't touch another girl, another girl didn't touch him. It's a bit strange, and I can see why you'd be upset, but it's not on the same level as cheating.
So cybersex isn't cheating? I know it's not the same as actually getting physical as someone else, but it is along the same lines - it's still a sexual act with someone.
Reply 7
I understand.
sort of went through a similar situation myself.
not sure if i can trust him
even tho i love him to bits.
and geuninely think he made a mistake.
i shall PM you later, but atm im feeling pretty rough and in need of a sleep.
If i forget to PM you and u're still worried.
send me a reminder
.
it's difficult to trust someone once u've been hurt, my best friend keeps telling me he did nothing and i should just forget it. but it's really hard.
sort of went through a similar situation myself.
not sure if i can trust him
even tho i love him to bits.
and geuninely think he made a mistake.
i shall PM you later, but atm im feeling pretty rough and in need of a sleep.
If i forget to PM you and u're still worried.
send me a reminder
.it's difficult to trust someone once u've been hurt, my best friend keeps telling me he did nothing and i should just forget it. but it's really hard.
Anonymous
So cybersex isn't cheating? I know it's not the same as actually getting physical as someone else, but it is along the same lines - it's still a sexual act with someone.
It's not really real though, is it? It's kind of like people who have "online" boyfriends or girlfriends. Trust me, no matter how close you seem to be online, once you meet someone it can be completely different because, well, it's the real world.
Besides, I don't think the majority of people actually masturbate during cybersex. It's just flirting more than anything.
yeah write him a letter.. then he knows how u feel.
i totall understand why ur upset.. who wouldnt be? if u love someone and then u find out that they r doing what he did in the early stages ud be pretty upset... the earliest parts are meant to be the best.
from what uve said he seems like a nice guy, maybe u just need to get everything out in the open, talking maturely wont cause an argument?
i totall understand why ur upset.. who wouldnt be? if u love someone and then u find out that they r doing what he did in the early stages ud be pretty upset... the earliest parts are meant to be the best.
from what uve said he seems like a nice guy, maybe u just need to get everything out in the open, talking maturely wont cause an argument?
Reply 10
moshing-fairy
I understand.
sort of went through a similar situation myself.
not sure if i can trust him
even tho i love him to bits.
and geuninely think he made a mistake.
i shall PM you later, but atm im feeling pretty rough and in need of a sleep.
If i forget to PM you and u're still worried.
send me a reminder.
it's difficult to trust someone once u've been hurt, my best friend keeps telling me he did nothing and i should just forget it. but it's really hard.
sort of went through a similar situation myself.
not sure if i can trust him
even tho i love him to bits.
and geuninely think he made a mistake.
i shall PM you later, but atm im feeling pretty rough and in need of a sleep.
If i forget to PM you and u're still worried.
send me a reminder
.it's difficult to trust someone once u've been hurt, my best friend keeps telling me he did nothing and i should just forget it. but it's really hard.
Thanks hun. I'll be ok. Knowing that he knows how I feel now is helping - I'd bottled it up for about a week and had started getting pretty peeved at every little thing he did, and now it's out in the open I feel better.
I know he made a mistake, we're all entitled to one every now and then, it's what makes us human, and he has worked so hard to get my trust back - he tells me everything; when he gets a text, even before he knows who it's off, he'll often get me to read them out to him if he's doing something.
I've been messed about by a few guys and guess I'm kinda scared that he's going to be like that too, which I shouldn't do, because I think he's one of the few remaining gentlemen out there - he's just a bit more messed up at times than he lets on, something I think we're all guilty of from time to time.
I'm still going to go away for this weekend, but now he knows I'm concerned maybe he'll have realised just how much of an impact his mistake had on me.
Reply 11
punktopia
It's not really real though, is it? It's kind of like people who have "online" boyfriends or girlfriends. Trust me, no matter how close you seem to be online, once you meet someone it can be completely different because, well, it's the real world.
Besides, I don't think the majority of people actually masturbate during cybersex. It's just flirting more than anything.
Besides, I don't think the majority of people actually masturbate during cybersex. It's just flirting more than anything.
I read the messages. I know there was webcam involved, and there was a lot of "direction" involved. I'm not concerned about the intricacies of it all, it's the intent that's upsetting.
Reply 12
I know people will say its not really cheating because he didnt do anything physical with her, but don't worry I would be really upset too.
You can't not go away for the weekend, not do something you want to do because you're worried he'll do that again, thats not fair on you. All couples spend time apart, and for that time you shouldn't have to worry about him doing this again.
I think its a great idea to write a letter, least you can sort out how you feel and get it across without it coming out wrong, like it can do sometimes.
If you've talked to him about it, he's promised not to do it again, and you believe him, then its really down to you to start trusting him again.
Good luck
You can't not go away for the weekend, not do something you want to do because you're worried he'll do that again, thats not fair on you. All couples spend time apart, and for that time you shouldn't have to worry about him doing this again.
I think its a great idea to write a letter, least you can sort out how you feel and get it across without it coming out wrong, like it can do sometimes.
If you've talked to him about it, he's promised not to do it again, and you believe him, then its really down to you to start trusting him again.
Good luck
Reply 14
punktopia
It's still not comparable with actual cheating.
i'm sorry but i totally disagree...the thread starter hit the nail on the head when she mentions that the intent was there and that is cheating in my opinion
Reply 17
OMGGGG your problem is FREAKY because this exact thing hppened to me. except she lived locally so he actually MET UP the cow a few times. it broke my heart to be honest. I think you should still go away. you cant not go anywher because of him. and you will have to see how he reacts when you get back. yu got to keep living your life.
Reply 18
punktopia
Do you get the same punishment for attempted murder as murder?
no but thats a flaw in the legal system...if you intend to commit GBH then you are liable for murder....however the sentence for murder is more than that for attempted murder which is in my opinion no legally or morally different to murder...in fact i think an attempted murderer is worse than a "murderer"
Mr. Orange
no but thats a flaw in the legal system...if you intend to commit GBH then you are liable for murder....however the sentence for murder is more than that for attempted murder which is in my opinion no legally or morally different to murder...in fact i think an attempted murderer is worse than a "murderer"
That's because you're strange.
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