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Super confused [Relationship stuff.]

I'm female (20, not that it makes much difference) and have been with my current boyfriend for 2 years now, but i have been thinking for a long while that perhaps a male-female relationship isn't what i really want. I've had 3 boyfriends prior to this relationship, and have been intimate with 2 females (one was a rather drunken one night stand, the other a friend whom I've not seen for years now) I split up with one of my ex's because i wanted some "female action". After that relationship ended i somehow managed to get into another relationship with a male, then another, and now this one. In between I've not had the confidence to go out and find what i really want, which is basically female attention. I'm generally quite a shy person, and any relationships (etc.) that I've been involved in have been due to the other person making the first move. I love my boyfriend, he is the perfect guy (kind hearted, generous, caring etc.) ...just not for me.

I've never felt totally comfortable getting intimate with any of my boyfriends, and the thought of sex with males doesn't particularly turn me. Quite frankly it scares the **** out of me, and I make the most ludicrous excuses to avoid it sometime. I often find myself fantasizing about other girls when I'm with my boyfriend (and alone) which is totally awful, but I'm scared to leave this relationship. I've discussed with him in brief the happenings with those 2 girls in the past, and told him about leaving my ex. in hope of finding someone of the female persuasion, but he didn't take it brilliantly at all. He's constantly worried that I'm going to leave him for girl, and i cannot explain how upsetting it is to see him when he gets worked about that. I don't really remember how it all came into conversation in the first place, but since it has he's just been paranoid and now I'm thinking that perhaps he has a reason to be worried.

The past year of this relationship has had a lot of downs to it, mostly because of myself, and pushing him away because i can't decide in my own mind what i want. I'm scared to discuss any of this with him, cos his reaction will be just heartbreaking. I don't want to stay in this relationship just because its totally convenient and I'm afraid to break my boyfriends heart, but at the moment that's what it feels like I'm doing.

If i did split up with him, how would i even go about looking for someone else? Nobody knows that i feel like this because I don't want them to think less of me, or whatever. Plus, I wouldn't know how to tell my boyfriend/my family/our friends. Like i already said, I'm a very shy person. I don't want to go out and get wasted every time i want to find a nice girl to talk to, and I certainly am not going down the friend path again.

Any ideas on this lengthy bundle of confusion?

Reply 1

suicidal_dream

sounds like you've already made your mind up but don't want to hurt your boyfriend - no point in stringing him along as you'll just hurt him even more!

Reply 2

Honeyblossom

I think that if this is definitely how you feel (which it sounds like it is), then the fairest thing to do for your boyfriend is to end it, and to be 100% honest with him. It's not fair to string him along, and to prolong the torture of already feeling insecure and worried that you're going to leave him.

If he's already aware of what's happened in the past, he should at least understand, to some degree. He will probably have lots of questions, which I think you should answer honestly, for his sake.

It'll be difficult whichever way you choose to do things, but you can't be happy until you do what's right for yourself. Good luck :smile: