The Student Room Group

Don't know what to do

Keep anon.

Living at home is starting to become unbearable.

I am a software engineering student that has had to take the year off due to medical reasons. (I wont go into it, but it isn't depression)

My parents are not sympathetic, nor are my siblings - they see me as wasting the year. Ok, I have been looking for a job and so far I have had no luck, nobody ever seems to get back to me even for an interview. Retail jobs are hard to get, as there are no vacancies at the moment. Signed up for everything, reed, hays, job centre etc

Every day since christmas my mother has been telling every single one of my relatives how I will not be successful. This is nothing new, as she said the same thing at the start of my degree. She tells me to wait until after my degree to sort my medical condition out, but what she does not realise is that it is a long procedure and I need to at least get it started. It is affecting me academically, which is why I had to stop for the moment.

She has a short fuse with me now, and just a minor thing can potentially lead to something catastrophic. I do intend to go back to university, and I have been studying in the mean time until I get a job . This involves me spending a lot of time on the PC, as you can imagine. My parents see me as wasting time being on the PC, when really I am programming. If I try to explain to them what I am doing, they won't believe me, and just think that I spend all my time talking to my 'girlfriends'. (I have MSN running in the background.). Normally I don't have MSN running in the background as I do find it distracting, only late evening I am using it after I have done my work for the day.

Today, my contract phone bill came in, and for reasons unknown to me it was large - I have no clue why as I kept within my free minutes. I need to chase them up about it. I got a few slaps from the mother who went ballistic, and she has now threatened to be kick me out. For one month now all I have heard from her is how I won't be successful; how I am lazy and basically getting no encouragement at all. I do not argue back now because her mood is so volatile, and just keep to myself.

Even when I was at university, I found that I could not enjoy my course at all because I knew if I failed at any point, it would result to this. I did not get encouragement then either, just pressure. I remembered how I used to panic so much if I didn't get aspects of my course because of the reprocussions that could result from this. They tell me they want the best for me, but in order to do my degree I need confidence and I need to use the computer otherwise it defeats the point. I am starting to get my confidence back in my subject after doing work in it, but I seem to get more and more demoralised everytime this happens, to the point that I have even contemplated changing my degree so I can study discreetly. I would move out, can't stand it here. I know at this rate I will get depressed eventually. But I have no cash at the moment, instead I am looking for a job applying to place after place. So until then I will have to put up with this. What would you do?

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Reply 1

hey well this kind of sounds the same of how i am at home. im one of four and have an older brother and sister...who really didnt do anything with there lives and are lazy and arent even tht succesful,however they get treated alot better thn me. im not saying im the perfect child but ive done wel at school, well in a-levels getting ready to go to uni in sept to and have a job. it rreally annoys me how i dont get no "were really proud of you" tlk or anything like tht. even though my older sis who wrks in a pub twice a weeks gets it instead, when she has done nothing

8i dont know what i can do about it, im so miserbale at hime its unbelievable but i cant wait to get away to uni i specifically applied furthest away i could. i even thought my parents would be happy with me going to unii and all tht but since then they have not taken an interest and have just complained about my course and career choice.

i really have no idea wat i have ever done wrong but hey i so totally know how u feel. i think you should just make sure she knows ur still looking for jobs and trying and make sure ur healthy to go back to uni wen u can. in my case i dont know wat i can do.

Reply 2

kjstar
hey well this kind of sounds the same of how i am at home. im one of four and have an older brother and sister...who really didnt do anything with there lives and are lazy and arent even tht succesful,however they get treated alot better thn me. im not saying im the perfect child but ive done wel at school, well in a-levels getting ready to go to uni in sept to and have a job. it rreally annoys me how i dont get no "were really proud of you" tlk or anything like tht. even though my older sis who wrks in a pub twice a weeks gets it instead, when she has done nothing

8i dont know what i can do about it, im so miserbale at hime its unbelievable but i cant wait to get away to uni i specifically applied furthest away i could. i even thought my parents would be happy with me going to unii and all tht but since then they have not taken an interest and have just complained about my course and career choice.

i really have no idea wat i have ever done wrong but hey i so totally know how u feel. i think you should just make sure she knows ur still looking for jobs and trying and make sure ur healthy to go back to uni wen u can. in my case i dont know wat i can do.


She knows I am looking for jobs, this is the thing. Recently, I had an interview with a company, but didn't get the job. She never gave me any form of encouragement afterwards. All she seems to care about is the end result. She doesn't seem to realise that there is only so much I can do.
One negative trait I do have about myself, is that I do become disheartened if I keep on trying with something and end up not gettign anywhere in it. I end up feeling inadequate, and this becomes further reinforced when I hear my parents or siblings talk the way they do. A limiting belief is further instilled into my head and an inferiority complex develops. Again, they don't seem to understand how it psychological affects me when they always put me down.

The way they see me is as a drop out and that's it. They never seem to look at why I have had to drop out for the time being, and try as concerned parents address the factors at hand; leaving me to do it. Rather, I have so much pressure and expectation to succeed. Sometimes, I just can't handle it and it makes everything I do feel like a chore rather then something that I should enjoy (my degree for example), and as a result I become demoralised and demotivated. Not to mention, if I do taste success I become very resentful towards my parents and those that have doubted me. (I was academically successful on my degree until now where things have plateaud)

Reply 3

You sound exactly lke me and my parents sound exactly like yours they are always putting me down and haivng ago and making me feel **** i dont kow wat i ca do anymore.

there nothing i think you can do unless you think about talking to ur parents and tellng them how u feel and maybe ur plans...are u definately going to go back to uni though...? make sure they know it!...but u should def keep your parents informed about like wat u have to do and wat ur doing...that way they know u are actually doing things.

ive never had any encouragement of my parents....like i hate my job and really need to leave it cus of some stuff going on ther however all my mum thinks about is money and me not having any if i quit my job she doesnt care about wat its doing to me...!

Reply 4

Is the computer a shared computer? Or is it just belonging to you? I would say invest in a laptop and leave the house during the day to do your work somewhere more productive, like in a library, but I'm assuming, as you're a student that you don't have the money to do that. (But you can get a 2GB Asus Eee PC for £179... google it for more info, or look on the page in technology)

I find it strange that your parents are even disapproving (or so it seems) of getting your medical condition sorted out earlier than they wanted you to. I would say get a lock for your door, but I'm guessing that would probably worsen the situation?

Reply 5

kjstar
You sound exactly lke me and my parents sound exactly like yours they are always putting me down and haivng ago and making me feel **** i dont kow wat i ca do anymore.

there nothing i think you can do unless you think about talking to ur parents and tellng them how u feel and maybe ur plans...are u definitely going to go back to uni though...? make sure they know it!...but u should def keep your parents informed about like wat u have to do and wat ur doing...that way they know u are actually doing things.

ive never had any encouragement of my parents....like i hate my job and really need to leave it cus of some stuff going on ther however all my mum thinks about is money and me not having any if i quit my job she doesnt care about wat its doing to me...!


Yeah I am definently going back to uni, I have contacted the LEA, students loans company in order to gaurentee a student loan next year.
Before I deferred my year, I made sure I worked all this out, and knew exactly what I was doing before I did it.

Plus, if I am struggling so hard to get a job right now, then I think I need a degree! I just know when I go back to my degree I will be so ****ly scared because if I fu** up then I will have to come back to this again. I don't want that to happen.

The problem is the pressure, I am near the completion of my degree and want to graduate with a good one. The thing with my parents and siblings, is that just getting the degree is not enough - I have the pressure in achieving a 2:1; even then according to one, "getting a 2:1 means nothing". So, if I end up getting a 2:2 I am screwed.

Reply 6

Anonymous
Yeah I am definently going back to uni, I have contacted the LEA, students loans company in order to gaurentee a student loan next year.
Before I deferred my year, I made sure I worked all this out, and knew exactly what I was doing before I did it.

Plus, if I am struggling so hard to get a job right now, then I think I need a degree! I just know when I go back to my degree I will be so ****ly scared because if I fu** up then I will have to come back to this again. I don't want that to happen.

The problem is the pressure, I am near the completion of my degree and want to graduate with a good one. The thing with my parents and siblings, is that just getting the degree is not enough - I have the pressure in achieving a 2:1; even then according to one, "getting a 2:1 means nothing". So, if I end up getting a 2:2 I am screwed.



you really need to get out off the house and not be around them so much maybe they wont have the chance to make u feel crap so much....

i think you should just get back in to uni wen u can and concentrate on wat u want to do..and do as well as u can. as soon as u finish uni u wont have to move home and you can do ur own thing. just d the best u can do right now lol.

wat did ur siblings do.. ie uni work??? its seems like they dont get any pressure or grief like in my house they dont....which is aload of crap as i do more than all of um put together.

Reply 7

linkdapink
Is the computer a shared computer? Or is it just belonging to you? I would say invest in a laptop and leave the house during the day to do your work somewhere more productive, like in a library, but I'm assuming, as you're a student that you don't have the money to do that. (But you can get a 2GB Asus Eee PC for £179... google it for more info, or look on the page in technology)

I find it strange that your parents are even disapproving (or so it seems) of getting your medical condition sorted out earlier than they wanted you to. I would say get a lock for your door, but I'm guessing that would probably worsen the situation?


I have a laptop and PC. The PC is technically a shared one, and I let others use it when they want; I use it the most because I am the tech-head in the family and it is in my room.

The laptop I use mainly at university as it is portable, but I don't find it as comfortable as a desktop because it is smaller, and slower. It is an AMD sampron. Plus most of my MP3s are on my PC and I do listen to them as I am studying. Even if I did use my laptop, I would probably have to use it in the kitchen, my mother is mainly in there all the time or in the study which my dad always is, plus with anything that looks like a PC to my mum, dad, siblings, they tend to associate it as a 'waste of time' or me talking to my 'girlfriends'.

They are hardly in my room ever, to be honest they don't have a clue about computers, so even if I showed them my code they would be like "whatever". Yesterday, my mum for example came into my room and started giving me a lectuer about how I am lazy, don't study blah blah (similar stuff), I then showed her my booklet with 5 pages of code. She was then like "oh why didn't you do that at university blah blah." completely overlooked it and continued her rant. She hasn't got a clue.

Even with my medical condition, it could have been sorted out when I was in sixth form, but with them again, took no interest in it and it took me to take the neccessary steps in getting it diagnosed in the first place as it was affecting me back then too. Again, they don't seem to understand what it is like living with it, because they don't have it. Rather, they are judging my worth on how much I have got in the bank. :rolleyes:

Reply 8

God I really hate parents like that.

Reply 9

Rock Fan
God I really hate parents like that.


yeah try having a dad tht took u to a uni open day wen u were going to talk about a social wrk degree and him having a bit rant to the admissions tutor of this course about wanting you to do something more "worth while" like architecture. all this beacuse he has a building firm and thinks will be a good option for future prospects.

my parents are complete idiots when it comes to anything like this.

Reply 10

kjstar
yeah try having a dad tht took u to a uni open day wen u were going to talk about a social wrk degree and him having a bit rant to the admissions tutor of this course about wanting you to do something more "worth while" like architecture. all this beacuse he has a building firm and thinks will be a good option for future prospects.

my parents are complete idiots when it comes to anything like this.


I would personally turn around and do what I want not what your parents want. God these days some parents have no idea what's best.

Reply 11

kjstar
you really need to get out off the house and not be around them so much maybe they wont have the chance to make u feel crap so much....

i think you should just get back in to uni wen u can and concentrate on wat u want to do..and do as well as u can. as soon as u finish uni u wont have to move home and you can do ur own thing. just d the best u can do right now lol.

wat did ur siblings do.. ie uni work??? its seems like they dont get any pressure or grief like in my house they dont....which is aload of crap as i do more than all of um put together.


One is very successful and is making a lot of money in the city. :rolleyes: (great!). Saying that, he did have 100k pumped into him to get there, still he gives me ****. I would rather him help me through his connections get a job, like my parents helped him, but no.

The other is not so bad, though I get bossed around too much.

That was during the time when we were loaded, financially things are not very good now. They are much more concerned about cash as times are hard, a bit like your parents.

Yeah, well I won't be going back until September, no way I can go back now as the course has moved on and I am in honours. So for the time being, I am getting incredible amount of flak.

Reply 12

yeah difference is my parents arent strap for cash or times are hard....my mum just likes to spend her money on her self and doesnt care tht her daughter is hating her job an dmiserable....she wont let me quit. have u spoke to your brother and asked if he can get you anything?....

Reply 13

Rock Fan
I would personally turn around and do what I want not what your parents want. God these days some parents have no idea what's best.


oh i fully intend to, i really dont care what they think i know ill be doing wht i want to do. i think once ive done it they will realise ive done better thn they thought..its weird though as im the only one out of four who has or is goignt o bother with uni and the only one who has bothered to do well at school or with jobs yet...im the one tht gets the grief lol and the rest get trreated like they are great. its so annoying

Reply 14

kjstar
yeah difference is my parents arent strap for cash or times are hard....my mum just likes to spend her money on her self and doesnt care tht her daughter is hating her job an dmiserable....she wont let me quit. have u spoke to your brother and asked if he can get you anything?....


Yeah, he is not helping me, too annoyed about me deferring my year. Plus his ego is the size of everest, he'd rather give me **** and make himself sound like god because he has a certain lifestyle whereas I don't. That's just the way he is.

I am constantly compared to him, and it is frustrating thing to live with, on top of everything else. One other relative has offered me a job, but it is not until a few weeks from now, and knowing him he will give me a crap wage for the work I will be doing. For him I will have to create a video tour of the business he is setting up - so the employment won't last that long and involves me using the computer at home. :rolleyes: (image the flak I will get as I am working on it lol)

Reply 15

kjstar
oh i fully intend to, i really dont care what they think i know ill be doing wht i want to do. i think once ive done it they will realise ive done better thn they thought..its weird though as im the only one out of four who has or is goignt o bother with uni and the only one who has bothered to do well at school or with jobs yet...im the one tht gets the grief lol and the rest get trreated like they are great. its so annoying


You go girl, they'll be the one's who basically lose you if they carry on the way they are.

Reply 16

I don't really know what to say to you guys about your amazingly critical parents.

Actually it goes way beyond critical. Up until the point of A-Levels my parents were always telling me how important studying was and that I should always try to do better. If I got 97% in something, for example, it would be quite common for the question of what happened to the other 3% to come up! There was a certain amount of pressure that came from that, but it was always backed up by being told that it's important to do well for my own future. I don't think at any point anyone ever said I was worthless or that I wouldn't amount to anything - just that I needed to make sure that I did.

Now, part of me wants to give your parents the benefit of the doubt and say that they are just totally inept and trying to motivate you but failing miserably. Unfortunately, it really sounds like this isn't the case at all -e specially as regards the seemingly alternate treatment of siblings - me and my sisters all had the same messge drilled into us equally. The lack of understanding regarding this medical condition (whatever it may be) is completely mind boggling as well.

I don't know what else to say but "hang in there". I can appreciate the idea of wanting to get far away from home for uni. It was something I did without really meaning to (just applied to places that were good for my course and I liked the look of). The trick is to make the separation stick if you can. I know it's not easy to do but I never really moved back in with my parents after going off to uni. I got a full-time job in Manchester (where I went to Uni) my first summer and stayed there pretty much the whole way through and have never needed to rely on my parents support (financially, at least) since. If you can do this, not only will you feel a sense of self-worth because you are supporting yourself but maybe it will make your parents see you in a better light. If not, then at least you aren't around their constant critisism.

Also, reagarding a 2:1 being "worthless"; it seemed to do me pretty well. Finished a PhD (pending a final grilling over my thesis) and now have a "proper" job. So I say :p: to people who look down on a 2:1 !

Reply 17

Rock Fan
I would personally turn around and do what I want not what your parents want. God these days some parents have no idea what's best.


Now that is some really bad advice. EDIT - sorry, I misread! I thought you were saying not to do what your parents suggest just out of principle. Seems we have the same messagge ater all. :wink:

What you choose to do at Uni should have nothing to do with what your parents want. Do what you want and be done with it. If it happens to line up, so be it.

I got the question "what job willl you get after that?" from my parents and I told them truthfully that I didn't know - just that all the things that they were suggesting held little to no interest for me and that the subject I'd chosen did. My parent's meddling at the stages of choosing the Scottish equivalents of GCSEs had prevented me from pursing something that I had wanted to already (since I couldn't take the A-Level without the GCSE), so I decided that I was going to do what I wanted, where I wanted at university.

Reply 18

Hey i know it just can be very frustrating...i get more support and people being proud of me of my friends parents ....but hey im going to do my own thing anyway...if they accept it and realise it was the right thing for me to do then great if not thn there loss. but thanks for the support everyone lol

Reply 19

anon....i really think you should really just take watever job u can get short time or small wages or wat...and maybe ur folks will think and realise u do actually want to do something and then look forward to getting out and back to uni when your well enough...is there anyone you could go and stay with instead?