uni woes, making me feel really emotionally lost Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 11 years ago
#1
For obvious reasons please keep this anonymous

Like a lot of posts its about uni woes, not making friends etc. Just getting me down because it's making me realise how hard I find it to make friends. The thing is at school I had one really close friend who I could confide in and felt totally relaxed, shared everything etc. Now coming into an environment where I haven't got anyone makes me feel really unrelaxed. I guess you could say having had that gives me high expectations of what a friend is, but i dont even have people around who invite me out to things or who seem enthusiastic when I ask them (there's always some sort of excuse). The people at uni who I have the best time around because I feel more at ease, fair enough not totally, when I see them on a night out give me the impression that they dont like me. I know that sounds weird, but I get a strong vibe that they dont want me to be anything more than someone who's there when there's a party or something on.

Problem is I keep on saying to myself that im not going to hang out with that lot to try and get to know other people more because becoming friends with them doesnt seem to be working. However I never have a good until they come and end up hanging out with them.

Facing the idea that I may not make close friends really gets to me. My self esteem is declining, especially looking at all my school mates and how by now have a group of friends makes me think there's something wrong with me for not having that. I mean im not exactly the heart of the party or anything. I feel I probably annoy people, because everytime I call someone to ask if they want to do something I get the whole, ah no not him again impression.

Anyway I could probably go on about loads of other stuff, how its affecting my ability to do work etc. But i wont so it doesnt get too long.
Im just posting on here because I really dont know what to do and basically looking for different opinions. Next year I wont be in halls and will probably only see the mates iv made (which at this point is none). Iv looked at the societies and none of them really appeal (joined a couple), im not that sporty or drama so that rules out a lot. Im musical but not of those societies suit me (i dont play an orchestral instrument or anything). Atm i only really end up doing anything if theres an organised thing on. I hope this makes sense and iv expressed myself well. Sorry if your thinking not another one of these posts, I felt my situation was sort of different with the whole people know me but dont seem to like me and also the whole maybe im expecting too much?
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#2
Report 11 years ago
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With regards to societies, maybe you'd prefer something more laid back? I found I like the ten-pin bowling society at my uni. Just go along, play a couple of rounds of bowling and go out for a few drinks and some food afterwards.
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321beep
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Most people at uni are still open to making new friends, meeting people etc, so don't get worried, it just takes time to find people who you click with properly.

Facing the idea that I may not make close friends really gets to me. My self esteem is declining, especially looking at all my school mates and how by now have a group of friends makes me think there's something wrong with me for not having that. I mean im not exactly the heart of the party or anything. I feel I probably annoy people, because everytime I call someone to ask if they want to do something I get the whole, ah no not him again impression.
I've found some people do tend to be more cliquey, and maybe that's why you're getting that vibe from them? There was a group from my halls who never invited me out, but I moved on from that to find people I get on with far better, so now if I see them all together going out, I'm a bit glad they excluded me. Just chat to people on your course and keep going with the socs to expand your circle, (but don't spread yourself too thin either, or you'll never get past the "hi, how are you?" stage.)

Try and stay relaxed about the situation - you're right, a lot of people are in the same boat, so it's not as hard to connect as you may think, and if you stay calm, people will see the real you = better friendships.

Good luck
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britishseapower
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#4
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I'm more or less the same, I made a couple of friends in my first year but they dropped out so I'm on my own now as it's virtually impossible to break into the established cliques. Personally it doesn't bother me, it certainly doesn't effect my work but then I'm used to my own company and being independent or being billy no mates as some might say. I guess you will either have to learn to live with it and make do with the friends you had prior to uni, or get yourself out there more, in the hope of meeting some friends.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 11 years ago
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Thanks for the advice. Yeah what you say 321beep makes sense (about being calm and relaxed and stuff) but in reality it's really hard. What iv noticed is im a completely different person around my friends as I know they do see the real me and they like that as they are my friends. With people I dont know that well I tense up and go all quiet and nervous because I feel im being judged etc. and I have no idea what they're thinking. Something Iv noticed is my mood and the way I act depends a lot on little things people do like saying hi and starting up a conversation and that sort of stuff. But I dont like being affected so much by my environment as sometimes I just think, dam I just gave a negative impression to someone who the other day thought more positively about me and stuff like that. I know the easiest thing is not to think so much about things but actually being able to do that is a different thing.

Yeah what you say about getting to know people on my course does make sense as theres not so much an egg timer in the amount of time I have to get to know people as I can build friendships in small steps rather than feeling I have to rush things.

what you say britishseapower about learning to live with it I have thought about, and lowering my expectations does make sense. But then again I guess theres a balance as it would be depressing not making any new friends at all...problem with getting myself out there is when I do I feel at this stage its negative because Im getting so worked up about it
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britishseapower
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Having friends isn't the be all and end all, I guess that it can help alot and I am gutted that my mates dropped out of uni as I enjoyed going for a drink with them but at the end of the day, from my own experience, it is very hard to make new friends at uni so I don't really know what advice I can offer other than telling you to learn to live with it. I know thats a bit negative but considering I'm in the same boat as you, I don't think I'm really qualified to give advice.
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Anonymous #2
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Report 11 years ago
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I guess my situation is a little different to yours. I have been included in a group. However, I am not entirely happy with them as I often feel the tag-along (and it's totally unintentional on their part; they just happen to get on with each other a lot better). Our interests are very different aswell.

My advice to you is not to give up. Strike up a conversation with anyone, even if it looks as though these people are settled and have found their best mates, it's sometimes just an act. Just remember there are people in the same position as you. I was in tears a good few times last term because I didn't think I would make good mates (and I still don't think I will) even though on the outside it may look like i'm perfectly happy. And I commute to uni aswell, so I have fewer chances to bump into randoms.

But your situation is very similar to mine as I had a very close mate at 6th form aswell and now I feel extremely on edge and like I have to put too much effort in the friendships I have at uni.

Sorry this is all muddled up but yea. Just keep going and good luck. And I do agree with britishseapower to an extent but tbh I think you shouldn't give up so easily. Give it a little more time.
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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 11 years ago
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Yeah it looks like Im probably going to have to take your advice, but more in a way of learning to live with it but without giving up hope at the same time. Dont you feel tho that without friends life all seems to be a bit more pointless? Like all your doing otherwise is just killing time, trying to think of stuff to do by yourself to keep you busy. I mean iv always seen my meaning of life as being making emotional bonds, its what makes me see point in everything.
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Anonymous #2
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Report 11 years ago
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Yea. I'm lucky my course is pretty intense at uni so I just focus on that. It's hard though. I've always wanted to be part of one of those well connected groups of friends like you see in movies/tv shoes etc lol. It's especially difficult when you look on facebook and see your old friends with loads of pics/mates etc. But just keep going, times change etc. That's what I keep telling myself anyway lol.
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