I had disordered eating on and off for close to 10 years. It started with restricting, I lost about 2 stone over a few months. My intake progressively dropped to one small meal a day, I was up exercising during the night but I felt happy and in control.
Then, it all changed in the space of a few days. It was as if a switch had been flipped and I couldn't stop eating. I had no control over what I was doing - I remember shovelling chocolate, and noodles and fried eggs into my mouth and not being able to stop. I felt disgusted and horrified, yet I couldn't stop myself.
And so started the cycle of bingeing, followed by fasting and overexercising. I would not eat at all for 2-3 days at a time, push myself at the gym until I felt physically ill and the room was spinning so hard I couldn't walk; then would come the binge where I would eat thousands of calories in the space of a few hours. And then the cycle would repeat itself.
I felt miserable and worthless. I wouldn't look in the mirror and avoid looking at people in the hope that they wouldn't notice at me. I was self-harming. Thinking back to that time even now makes me feel disgusted and embarrassed. I was referred to CAMHS due to my low mood and self-harm but I never talked about the real reason why I was self-harming - I was far too ashamed.
Things got a little better when I started sixth form. I made a promise to myself that wouldn't let this ruin my chances of getting into university and made an effort to eat. I started to force myself to have at least something during every meal, even if it was just a piece of fruit or a weight watchers yoghurt. It was really hard and made me feel numb and took self-hatred to a new level but after a while it improved the binges and though they were happening almost every day, they were much smaller. And though my weight did go up initially, once my metabolism adjusted after a few weeks, it started to go down. By the end of sixth form, I felt like a different person - I was pretty much eating normally with just the occasional binge, I was more confident, I could look in the mirror without having to look away. I was still weighing myself several times a day and still waan't happy with the number, but it was not ruling my life to anywhere near the same extent.
In uni things were OK for the first year because I continued to force myself not to skip meals. I was still fighting that little voice in the back of my head telling me not to eat but I knew that if I started that again, things would easily spiral out of control.
They did eventually at the the end of 2nd year. Due to something that happened at the time, I went through a period of anxiety, which made it difficult for me to eat. I lost about a stone in a week, and this triggered a relapse. Cue restricting, bingeing and this time laxatives and purging as well, and a relapse of self-harm. After a few months, I really felt like I had reached rock bottom. I was up BPing until 3-4 am, daily. I knew I was damaging my body. I was depressed, I was exhausted, I felt helpless. I thought about asking for help for the first time. But for a number of reasons, it didn't feel like an option.
I don't want to go into details, but something happened around this time that made me realise how easily I could loose everything I cared about - my uni place, my future career, my family - because of the eating disorder. It scared me into fighting. It was hard, much harder this time, but I did it. I won't say that I don't ever binge any more - it does happen sometime. I just know how to deal with it without it turning into a relapse.
It is possible to overcome an ED. But it does require hard work and strong motivation. I didn't have much support at all IRL but knowing exactly why I was doing it kept me going. I knew I was truly over it when I started exercising purely for the health benefits and feel good factor rather than to burn calories. It felt so liberating. It's been a few years now and I'm at a point where I can tell people I've had an ED - when things were bad, not only did I feel like a fake even thinking I had it, but people finding out was the biggest taboo I could think of. I'm OK, I'm happy. And I wish lots of strength and self-belief to those currently trying to recover from their ED.