The Student Room Group

Was I sexually assaulted?

This is the second time this has happened to me with the same person.
My first experience was after a night out and I really wanted to go home as I had work the next morning. The guys I was with promised to take me with them in the taxi. But with a few complications we all ended up at this guys house. The guy who lived there asked his mates to go in the other room. So they did and it was just me and him alone. He asked me to stay in the bed with him, but I made it very clear I wasn’t going to do anything sexual with him. He tried to kiss me and touch me the WHOLE night. The whole night I was saying no but he carried on trying. I was saying no in a friendly way because I’ve known him since secondary school. Plus he said he was going to drive me home in the morning. I wasn’t trying to be rude but I still made it clear. Eventually I fell asleep because I was so tired and got 1hr’s sleep in time for work the next day.

Second experience was very recent. It was after a night out again and a couple of people were all at this after party. The same guy was there and we were laying on the sofa together because it was a long night and I needed to rest. He invited me back to his to watch movie and I said yes because the afters was packed and I would’ve been uncomfortable to find a place to sleep. Also his house is closer to mine then this afters was so it was more convenient for me in the morning.

We got to his and we laid on the bed together. He went in for a kiss and this time I kissed back. Afterwards I told him I didn’t want to carry on but he still did even though I was turning my head away and trying to push him off me when he got on top. I made it clear I wasn’t going to have sex but he carried on trying. He started to choke me and push me and be quite forceful. However I’ve been choked by my past partners and I’ve enjoyed it so it wasn’t too scary as it could’ve been. Eventually he stopped after I kept resisting. I said to him “I bet u wish you didn’t invite me” and he said “yep. I can get my friend to come take u back home” and I replied saying “I haven’t got my house keys so I’ll have to wait in the morning when my family are awake in the house.
He looked annoyed so I felt bad.
I kissed him and he tried again. This time I let him finger me when I really truly didn’t want to. I pretended I was into it but then I told him to stop completely. Then he told me to do something back to him. I said no so he asked if he could just finish on me. I figured that would be the only way he was get it out of his system so I agreed.

After this experience I felt so sick and uncomfortable. I understand I shouldn’t have agreed to go especially after the first experience. But I really thought he wouldn’t try it on especially after the first time me making it clear. We got a long as friends so I thought why not.
Was I sexually assaulted?
Original post by Anonymous
This is the second time this has happened to me with the same person.
My first experience was after a night out and I really wanted to go home as I had work the next morning. The guys I was with promised to take me with them in the taxi. But with a few complications we all ended up at this guys house. The guy who lived there asked his mates to go in the other room. So they did and it was just me and him alone. He asked me to stay in the bed with him, but I made it very clear I wasn’t going to do anything sexual with him. He tried to kiss me and touch me the WHOLE night. The whole night I was saying no but he carried on trying. I was saying no in a friendly way because I’ve known him since secondary school. Plus he said he was going to drive me home in the morning. I wasn’t trying to be rude but I still made it clear. Eventually I fell asleep because I was so tired and got 1hr’s sleep in time for work the next day.

Second experience was very recent. It was after a night out again and a couple of people were all at this after party. The same guy was there and we were laying on the sofa together because it was a long night and I needed to rest. He invited me back to his to watch movie and I said yes because the afters was packed and I would’ve been uncomfortable to find a place to sleep. Also his house is closer to mine then this afters was so it was more convenient for me in the morning.

We got to his and we laid on the bed together. He went in for a kiss and this time I kissed back. Afterwards I told him I didn’t want to carry on but he still did even though I was turning my head away and trying to push him off me when he got on top. I made it clear I wasn’t going to have sex but he carried on trying. He started to choke me and push me and be quite forceful. However I’ve been choked by my past partners and I’ve enjoyed it so it wasn’t too scary as it could’ve been. Eventually he stopped after I kept resisting. I said to him “I bet u wish you didn’t invite me” and he said “yep. I can get my friend to come take u back home” and I replied saying “I haven’t got my house keys so I’ll have to wait in the morning when my family are awake in the house.
He looked annoyed so I felt bad.
I kissed him and he tried again. This time I let him finger me when I really truly didn’t want to. I pretended I was into it but then I told him to stop completely. Then he told me to do something back to him. I said no so he asked if he could just finish on me. I figured that would be the only way he was get it out of his system so I agreed.

After this experience I felt so sick and uncomfortable. I understand I shouldn’t have agreed to go especially after the first experience. But I really thought he wouldn’t try it on especially after the first time me making it clear. We got a long as friends so I thought why not.
Was I sexually assaulted?


Thing is why did you go back to him after what happened the first time
Original post by Anonymous
This is the second time this has happened to me with the same person.
My first experience was after a night out and I really wanted to go home as I had work the next morning. The guys I was with promised to take me with them in the taxi. But with a few complications we all ended up at this guys house. The guy who lived there asked his mates to go in the other room. So they did and it was just me and him alone. He asked me to stay in the bed with him, but I made it very clear I wasn’t going to do anything sexual with him. He tried to kiss me and touch me the WHOLE night. The whole night I was saying no but he carried on trying. I was saying no in a friendly way because I’ve known him since secondary school. Plus he said he was going to drive me home in the morning. I wasn’t trying to be rude but I still made it clear. Eventually I fell asleep because I was so tired and got 1hr’s sleep in time for work the next day.

Second experience was very recent. It was after a night out again and a couple of people were all at this after party. The same guy was there and we were laying on the sofa together because it was a long night and I needed to rest. He invited me back to his to watch movie and I said yes because the afters was packed and I would’ve been uncomfortable to find a place to sleep. Also his house is closer to mine then this afters was so it was more convenient for me in the morning.

We got to his and we laid on the bed together. He went in for a kiss and this time I kissed back. Afterwards I told him I didn’t want to carry on but he still did even though I was turning my head away and trying to push him off me when he got on top. I made it clear I wasn’t going to have sex but he carried on trying. He started to choke me and push me and be quite forceful. However I’ve been choked by my past partners and I’ve enjoyed it so it wasn’t too scary as it could’ve been. Eventually he stopped after I kept resisting. I said to him “I bet u wish you didn’t invite me” and he said “yep. I can get my friend to come take u back home” and I replied saying “I haven’t got my house keys so I’ll have to wait in the morning when my family are awake in the house.
He looked annoyed so I felt bad.
I kissed him and he tried again. This time I let him finger me when I really truly didn’t want to. I pretended I was into it but then I told him to stop completely. Then he told me to do something back to him. I said no so he asked if he could just finish on me. I figured that would be the only way he was get it out of his system so I agreed.

After this experience I felt so sick and uncomfortable. I understand I shouldn’t have agreed to go especially after the first experience. But I really thought he wouldn’t try it on especially after the first time me making it clear. We got a long as friends so I thought why not.
Was I sexually assaulted?


Why would you go back to his house after he made you feel uncomfortable the first time and when he kept touching you? It doesn't matter that it was convenient, you should have just got a taxi home and not gone back to his place with him for a second time. He obviously then thought you wanted things to continue on from the first time, THEN YOU CONSENTED to him fingering you and him finishing on you.

You were not sexually assaulted at all, you got yourself into the situation and then kept agreeing to things. Even when you were at his place you could have called a taxi to go home at any point you felt uncomfortable, yet you didn't. You could have just waited outside your house for a few hours if you didn't have your keys, rather than do things with somebody you allegedly didn't want to do.
(edited 6 years ago)
If you're feeling uncomfortable with something you have to say no firmly, and of the other person doesn't relent you must leave that situation. It wasn't sexual assault as you consented in the second example, however he was wrong to pester you when you'd refused. You should not see this person at all if they make you uncomfortable, so next time no matter how convenient it is - don't go back to his house!
You allowed yourself to be in that situation and you gave him the wrong impression by going back to his friends house and lying on the sofa with him and whatever else, you should try and avoid that situation especially with him in the future, but also after nights out you were likely to be drunk, both of you and that is a different story
Are you being serious 'sexually assaulted' or are you just joking. I agree with all the replies above
Yes.
Reply 7
Original post by Anonymous
This is the second time this has happened to me with the same person.
My first experience was after a night out and I really wanted to go home as I had work the next morning. The guys I was with promised to take me with them in the taxi. But with a few complications we all ended up at this guys house. The guy who lived there asked his mates to go in the other room. So they did and it was just me and him alone. He asked me to stay in the bed with him, but I made it very clear I wasn’t going to do anything sexual with him. He tried to kiss me and touch me the WHOLE night. The whole night I was saying no but he carried on trying. I was saying no in a friendly way because I’ve known him since secondary school. Plus he said he was going to drive me home in the morning. I wasn’t trying to be rude but I still made it clear. Eventually I fell asleep because I was so tired and got 1hr’s sleep in time for work the next day.

Second experience was very recent. It was after a night out again and a couple of people were all at this after party. The same guy was there and we were laying on the sofa together because it was a long night and I needed to rest. He invited me back to his to watch movie and I said yes because the afters was packed and I would’ve been uncomfortable to find a place to sleep. Also his house is closer to mine then this afters was so it was more convenient for me in the morning.

We got to his and we laid on the bed together. He went in for a kiss and this time I kissed back. Afterwards I told him I didn’t want to carry on but he still did even though I was turning my head away and trying to push him off me when he got on top. I made it clear I wasn’t going to have sex but he carried on trying. He started to choke me and push me and be quite forceful. However I’ve been choked by my past partners and I’ve enjoyed it so it wasn’t too scary as it could’ve been. Eventually he stopped after I kept resisting. I said to him “I bet u wish you didn’t invite me” and he said “yep. I can get my friend to come take u back home” and I replied saying “I haven’t got my house keys so I’ll have to wait in the morning when my family are awake in the house.
He looked annoyed so I felt bad.
I kissed him and he tried again. This time I let him finger me when I really truly didn’t want to. I pretended I was into it but then I told him to stop completely. Then he told me to do something back to him. I said no so he asked if he could just finish on me. I figured that would be the only way he was get it out of his system so I agreed.

After this experience I felt so sick and uncomfortable. I understand I shouldn’t have agreed to go especially after the first experience. But I really thought he wouldn’t try it on especially after the first time me making it clear. We got a long as friends so I thought why not.
Was I sexually assaulted?


He asked me to stay in the bed with him, but I made it very clear I wasn’t going to do anything sexual with him - did you actually sleep in the same bed as him? If so why? You knew he wanted to bang you and, even though you said no, sleeping in the same bed could be interpreted by him that you're interested in him but not ready to sleep with him right there and then.

He invited me back to his to watch movie - he wanted to bang you the first time round so why go to his to watch a movie? Watching a movie is the guy's way of saying "hey let's go back to mine so I can bang you six ways to Sunday".

we laid on the bed together - why are laying on the bed together? You know he wants you? And maybe you want him as well?

this time I kissed back - so you're into him obviously as why would you kiss him back okay so...

I made it clear I wasn’t going to have sex but he carried on trying - okay he's at fault here. He should have stopped when it became clear you didn't want things to escalate any further.

Eventually he stopped after I kept resisting - okay so he stopped after he realised you didn't want to things to escalate. Some girls, like you stated yourself, enjoy it when a guy is aggressive and dominant e.g. choking. That's why it's important to use safe words (if you can).

I kissed him - why would you kiss him and lead him on here? Yes you like him but he was just on top of you?

This time I let him finger me when I really truly didn’t want to. I pretended I was into it but then I told him to stop completely. Then he told me to do something back to him. I said no so he asked if he could just finish on me. I figured that would be the only way he was get it out of his system so I agreed - why would you let him finger you when you really didn't want that? You should have told him to stop sooner or not even start in the first place. You should have also said no you can't finish on me.

I understand I shouldn’t have agreed to go especially after the first experience - yes but even during the second time you were not clear enough with him.

In my opinion, and bear in mind I am not a qualified law professional, I do not believe you were sexually assaulted. You were giving out signals to the guy that you were interested in him and even though you demonstrated and told him you were not comfortable with certain things, you still led him on e.g. kissing him after he stopped trying to have sex with you.
You consented. If you feel uncomfortable in this kind of situation you need to say NO and leave when you have the chance, even if you feel bad for him. No, he shouldn't have kept trying to have sex with you, but in the end you played along and didn't make it known that it wasn't what you wanted.

I am sorry you had to go through this, but it wasn't sexual assault.
Reply 9
Original post by Glassapple
Why would you go back to his house after he made you feel uncomfortable the first time and when he kept touching you? It doesn't matter that it was convenient, you should have just got a taxi home and not gone back to his place with him for a second time. He obviously then thought you wanted things to continue on from the first time, THEN YOU CONSENTED to him fingering you and him finishing on you.

You were not sexually assaulted at all, you got yourself into the situation and then kept agreeing to things. Even when you were at his place you could have called a taxi to go home at any point you felt uncomfortable, yet you didn't. You could have just waited outside your house for a few hours if you didn't have your keys, rather than do things with somebody you allegedly didn't want to do.


Couldn't put it in better words, well said
Seems as though you are almost baiting him to sexually assault you. You consented to the kissing, fingering and choking.

I'm no lawyer, but i doubt they'll charge him for sexual assault.

If i were him i would stay away from you at all costs. And if i were you i would do the same.
Reply 11
Yes and no.
On the one hand you did say no several times but on the other hand you also said yes and for all intents enjoyed aspects of it so yeah..
Personally, imho, it was assault. However, it's a very grey area.

He's made advances to you previously, so his intent is clear, he fancies you.

You need to take some personal responsibility here. You placed yourself in a situation, and then continued to send out mixed, or at least ambiguous, messages. I take it you both are relatively young, inexperienced, and where possible drunk or high at the time?

Look, you consented to let him finger you! He must have thought game on. Anything other was you just playing hard to get for **** and giggles. You weren't clear enough. Sorry if this comes across as victim blaming, It was a *****y experience, and in all sincerity I feel bad for you. But, I won't go as far as you lead him on, but you didn't express your feeling in an adult, mature, respectful manner he'd understand.

He didn't full on rape you, you weren't clear enough for him to understand. He wasn't mature enough, or experienced enough to read the tone and body language, and was horny as hell. It was a mistake. Get over it and move on.
(edited 6 years ago)
You kept kissing him, agreed to him fingering you and finishing on you. It doesn't matter if you feel uncomfortable - if you agreed then how is he to know you're not happy?
Original post by Anonymous
This is the second time this has happened to me with the same person.
My first experience was after a night out and I really wanted to go home as I had work the next morning. The guys I was with promised to take me with them in the taxi. But with a few complications we all ended up at this guys house. The guy who lived there asked his mates to go in the other room. So they did and it was just me and him alone. He asked me to stay in the bed with him, but I made it very clear I wasn’t going to do anything sexual with him. He tried to kiss me and touch me the WHOLE night. The whole night I was saying no but he carried on trying. I was saying no in a friendly way because I’ve known him since secondary school. Plus he said he was going to drive me home in the morning. I wasn’t trying to be rude but I still made it clear. Eventually I fell asleep because I was so tired and got 1hr’s sleep in time for work the next day.

Second experience was very recent. It was after a night out again and a couple of people were all at this after party. The same guy was there and we were laying on the sofa together because it was a long night and I needed to rest. He invited me back to his to watch movie and I said yes because the afters was packed and I would’ve been uncomfortable to find a place to sleep. Also his house is closer to mine then this afters was so it was more convenient for me in the morning.

We got to his and we laid on the bed together. He went in for a kiss and this time I kissed back. Afterwards I told him I didn’t want to carry on but he still did even though I was turning my head away and trying to push him off me when he got on top. I made it clear I wasn’t going to have sex but he carried on trying. He started to choke me and push me and be quite forceful. However I’ve been choked by my past partners and I’ve enjoyed it so it wasn’t too scary as it could’ve been. Eventually he stopped after I kept resisting. I said to him “I bet u wish you didn’t invite me” and he said “yep. I can get my friend to come take u back home” and I replied saying “I haven’t got my house keys so I’ll have to wait in the morning when my family are awake in the house.
He looked annoyed so I felt bad.
I kissed him and he tried again. This time I let him finger me when I really truly didn’t want to. I pretended I was into it but then I told him to stop completely. Then he told me to do something back to him. I said no so he asked if he could just finish on me. I figured that would be the only way he was get it out of his system so I agreed.

After this experience I felt so sick and uncomfortable. I understand I shouldn’t have agreed to go especially after the first experience. But I really thought he wouldn’t try it on especially after the first time me making it clear. We got a long as friends so I thought why not.
Was I sexually assaulted?


The first time, he was just being pushy, not assaulting you. You could've got a taxi home instead. You're silly for going to his house again after he evidently doesn't like to be told no. Him being annoyed when you refused the second time just says to you that he wants to sleep with you and nothing more. You let him finger you, so it's not assault, whatever you felt like during or after. You didn't refuse that. But the thing is, he's been pushing you psychologically and making you feel like he needs relief from you when you don't owe him anything. You need to learn to stand your ground, put your foot down with guys like this and don't be afraid to show your frustration, otherwise it will not get through to them. Smiling and giggling and gently saying 'no' hundreds of times doesn't get it through to them (and if you have to say no hundreds of times to a guy, then you shouldn't spend time alone with them again!), not smiling, looking them in the eye and saying sternly and clearly, 'no, stop asking otherwise I'm leaving', or better yet, just leave! You're mixing with the wrong kind of guy. Be careful of how quickly you jump to 'sexual assault' as there's already an annoying stigma around it, specifically about people assuming women scream sexual assault when they regret the consensual sex they were involved in. The majority of sexual assault is not consensual.
This is sexual assault. You trusted him. You clearly told him no. He continued. He is a childhood friend, and no one would abandon such a friend just because they tried to kiss you. You aren’t wrong for going back after the first time. You didn’t consent. You are innocent. He is a rapist, and a violent one at that. Report him to someone irl so he can’t do it to anyone else. Please please please talk to someone about this in your personal life so you don’t have to hold it in, Ive been there and it feels so much better letting it out, as if you can let go
Reply 16
sounds like you just want to jump onto the "i've been sexually assaulted" bandwagon

you gave him too much encouragement tbh....
you kept going back and back to him

significant probability of you ending up getting raped by him at some point, as you keep rewarding his behavior by engaging in sexual activity with him after he does stuff to you, you don't like. What kind of message is that sending him? ....
Reply 17
To be honest, I don't know. I think you should talk about this to someone who is a professional. I mean who knows how it works. But above all please don't go back to that place nor near him. For whatever reason. You can always also open to someone close and get advice. Up to you. Just take care of yourself

Latest

Trending

Trending