...I wrote this letter to apply for senior prefects in my school... any thoughts? Watch

Jiajun
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anyway, i wrote this letter to apply for my school's senior prefects, i only got to this sixth form this year, but i will give it a shot any how... im not allowed to write more than a A4, and here it is... please tell me any changes i need to make ot any thoughts on it please... i need to hand it in tomorrow... thanks, here it is...

Dear Headmaster:

I’m writing this letter to inform you of my application for the position of Senior Prefect in the school’s sixth form.

This position as I see it, is a vital part of the school’s foundations as well as its tradition which acts as a helping hand to the school’s community, but most importantly, in my opinion it acts as a leading demonstration of the school’s abilities to the ‘outside world’, by which I mean not only the parents of current and prospective pupils, but the people all over the country! I am as ready as ever to take on such responsibilities with pride and would offer my all to the cause.

On the other hand, other key aspects of the position in my opinion, include to assist whoever in need, whether they’re troubled by problems in school or outside and need someone to talk to, wanting helps in deciding their future or simply just puzzled by their schoolwork and need guidance, a Senior Prefect should always be on hand and prepared to help. Also, another key point of the position is to try to assist in making the running of the school as smooth as possible, whether it was to help keeping order in the playground and the corridor, or setting examples to the younger pupils on how to study and behave, a Senior Prefect should always be leading the way.

Although I only came to the school’s sixth form recently, this should by no means indicating my relative lack of ‘experience’, in fact, this only makes me hungry with desire to know everything there’s to know in the school, and do everything there’s to do. The fact that I used go to another school meant that as a Prefect, when I see something that can be improved in contrast to other schools, I could bring changes for the greater good, and when I see something good, I could encourage it to be better!

By applying for the position of Senior Prefects, I hope to acquire responsibilities of the level which I have never had, and so to constantly challenge myself to a higher level is what brings one true joy, which I’m sure you, would agree.

I am, as you can see, rearing to go, ready to offer my service to the school with utmost pride, and in doing so gain rewards which I will treasure, and furthermore to get to know all those I haven’t yet met, especially teachers who I never had. And as someone famously said before, ‘Trust you seek, Find in me’.

The end...
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generalebriety
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Oh dear. Grammar is shaky at best...
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Jiajun
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eek... help...
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ashy
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Needs some serious PS Helper treatment!
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mollymustard
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Rearing to go?
I think you mean raring...
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la fille danse
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I get the impression that English isn't your native language?
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Jiajun
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goodness... its not... as show by the shaky B in my eng lang...
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ashy
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(Original post by Jiajun)
goodness... its not... as show by the shaky B in my eng lang...
Pfft I got a B for English language GCSE. Doesn't mean a thing :p:
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Jiajun
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hehe, a couple more years i should improve... i hope...right now, i got 5 under my belt
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Joanna May
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Are you serious? You do realise that your whole first paragraph is basically one sentence, right? In six paragraphs, you only have ten sentences.

Using long words doesn't make your letter any better. also, the quote seems completely random and not at all related to the paragraph you're using it in.
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fly4fun
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Why do letters like this always ahve to sound so anal. No offence. Originality is good?
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tommorris
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(Original post by Jiajun)
vital... pride... offer my all... always leading the way... makes me hungry... what brings one true joy... utmost pride
You may just be laying it on a little thick. You are certainly enthusiastic and eager, if not a little fervent. Perhaps you need to temper this with some practicalities - how do your personal characteristics make you a good fit for the role? Do you think that you will get the respect of your fellow pupils? etc. Aim high, but keep your prose truthful and avoid torrents of floridity.
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Jiajun
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anal?? lool... OMG IT IS!!!! oh well, its just mainly kiss ass
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Jiajun
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(Original post by tommorris)
You may just be laying it on a little thick. You are certainly enthusiastic and eager, if not a little fervent. Perhaps you need to temper this with some practicalities - how do your personal characteristics make you a good fit for the role? Do you think that you will get the respect of your fellow pupils? etc. Aim high, but keep your prose truthful and avoid torrents of floridity.

mmm, true, i thought myself that it does sound a bit, overcooked... like i was going to war or something...
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Lizzielizard
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I think it's "raring", not "rearing".
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la fille danse
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Dear Headmaster:

I’m writing this letter to inform you of my application for the position of Senior Prefect in the school’s sixth form.

I am writing this letter in application for the position of Senior Prefect.

This position as I see it, is a vital part of the school’s foundations as well as its tradition which acts as a helping hand to the school’s community, but most importantly, in my opinion it acts as a leading demonstration of the school’s abilities to the ‘outside world’, by which I mean not only the parents of current and prospective pupils, but the people all over the country! I am as ready as ever to take on such responsibilities with pride and would offer my all to the cause.

I see the position as a vital part of the school's foundations and traditions. By being a helping hand to the school community, the Senior Prefect acts as a demonstration of the school's abilities to the outside world. I am as ready as ever to take on such responsibilities with pride and would offer my 'all' to the cause.

On the other hand, other key aspects of the position in my opinion, include to assist whoever in need, whether they’re troubled by problems in school or outside and need someone to talk to, wanting helps in deciding their future or simply just puzzled by their schoolwork and need guidance, a Senior Prefect should always be on hand and prepared to help. Also, another key point of the position is to try to assist in making the running of the school as smooth as possible, whether it was to help keeping order in the playground and the corridor, or setting examples to the younger pupils on how to study and behave, a Senior Prefect should always be leading the way.

Other aspects of the position include assisting whoever is in need, whether they're troubled by academic or personal problems, they need help in deciding their future, or simply are puzzled by their schoolwork. Another key part of the position is assisting in making the school run as smoothly as possible, whether by helping keep the playground and corridors in order or setting examples to the younger pupils on how to study and behave. A Senior Prefect should always be leading the way.

Although I only came to the school’s sixth form recently, this should by no means indicating my relative lack of ‘experience’, in fact, this only makes me hungry with desire to know everything there’s to know in the school, and do everything there’s to do. The fact that I used go to another school meant that as a Prefect, when I see something that can be improved in contrast to other schools, I could bring changes for the greater good, and when I see something good, I could encourage it to be better!

Although I only came to the school's sixth form recently, this should not suggest a lack of 'experience'. Rather, this only makes me hungry with desire to know everything there is to know about the school and everything there is to do. The fact that I used to go to another school means that as a prefect means that I can recognise things that can be improved in comparison to other schools. I could therefore bring changes for the greater good and, when I see something that is already good, I could encourage it to be better!

By applying for the position of Senior Prefects, I hope to acquire responsibilities of the level which I have never had, and so to constantly challenge myself to a higher level is what brings one true joy, which I’m sure you, would agree.

By applying for the position of Senior Prefect, I hope to acquire responsibilities at a level which I have never before experienced. Constantly challenging myself to a high level brings me constant joy.

I am, as you can see, rearing to go, ready to offer my service to the school with utmost pride, and in doing so gain rewards which I will treasure, and furthermore to get to know all those I haven’t yet met, especially teachers who I never had. And as someone famously said before, ‘Trust you seek, Find in me’.

I am raring to go, ready to offer my service to the school with utmost pride and, in doing so, gain rewards which I will always treasure. Furthermore, I will get to know all those I haven't met yet, especially teachers who I've not been taught by.
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Jiajun
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wow, thanks hero from the sky... these are some pretty amazing editing!!!
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la fille danse
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It might be obvious someone else wrote it though.
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ashy
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no hero for PS Helper
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tommorris
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(Original post by Jiajun)
wow, thanks hero from the sky... these are some pretty amazing editing!!!
As Stephen King puts it, "When you rewrite, your main job is taking out all of the things that are not the story."
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