...I wrote this letter to apply for senior prefects in my school... any thoughts?

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Jiajun
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#21
Report Thread starter 14 years ago
#21
(Original post by no hero in her sky)
It might be obvious someone else wrote it though.

is it really?? ... since i dont take english anymore... who would find out??? ... ooh my hero from the sky, can i add u on this forum, so possibly in the future, when i write my PS, u can take a look? that would be GREAT!!! please?
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la fille danse
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#22
Report 14 years ago
#22
(Original post by Jiajun)
is it really?? ... since i dont take english anymore... who would find out??? ... ooh my hero from the sky, can i add u on this forum, so possibly in the future, when i write my PS, u can take a look? that would be GREAT!!! please?
I didn't know you could "add" people... but okay.

Since English is not your first language, they might be a bit surprised if you turn in something written in nearly perfect English. I guess it depends if the headmaster knows you or not.
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DMPB
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#23
Report 14 years ago
#23
Mate, could you get your parents to check it over? I'm sorry to say this but it needs a lot of work, it wouldn't fare well against other applicants at my school that's for sure.

I'm not too good at English, but here are my two cents whether you take them or not.

I'm not sure what your relationship with the Headmaster is, but it should be formal. No exclamation marks, or lazy language e.g there's, or they're. Use 'they are' and 'there is'.

You have very long, broken up sentences that do not flow well. I can't say much more.

'On the other hand' doesn't work. You're just making another point.

I feel like you're trying to hard to be 'clever' and as a result, you have forgotten the basics. It may sound good to you, but it sounds cluttered when I read it.

Don't use 'in my opinion' twice.

That's just some things off the top of my head...but what do I know!??? Good luck buddy.
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Jiajun
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#24
Report Thread starter 14 years ago
#24
mmm...err... is it really ttthhhaaatt bad??? ..
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la fille danse
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#25
Report 14 years ago
#25
It's pretty poor, but since you got a B in English Language, you're obviously better at writing in English than the vast majority of British teenagers! Well done.
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DMPB
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#26
Report 14 years ago
#26
It depends what the other applicants at your school are sending in. You wouldn't get the position at mine.
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Jiajun
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#27
Report Thread starter 14 years ago
#27
hehe... a little consolation at last... now i should have at least read my own letter b4 putting it on TSR... too late now...
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Jiajun
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#28
Report Thread starter 14 years ago
#28
(Original post by DMPB)
It depends what the other applicants at your school are sending in. You wouldn't get the position at mine.
can u give me some reason??? obvious or not?
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Laevis
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#29
Report 14 years ago
#29
I've only read a bit, granted, but it sounds like you're gearing up for war :ridinghor



Good luck with your app, though.
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Glutamic Acid
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#30
Report 14 years ago
#30
At my old school anyone who wrote a letter (I was never a prefect) was made a prefect, so it might not even matter...
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Jiajun
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#31
Report Thread starter 14 years ago
#31
(Original post by Laevis)
I've only read a bit, granted, but it sounds like you're gearing up for war :ridinghor



Good luck with your app, though.


and so it is:p:
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DaveJ
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#32
Report 14 years ago
#32
It sounds a bit like you're throwing all these words in about how you'd love this position; but you aren't really describing how you are suited to it by solid examples.
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MissHero
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#33
Report 14 years ago
#33
Try addressing the headteacher by their name - Mr/Mrs/Miss Whatever. I'm sure you know what it is.
Unless you've put "headmaster" purely for the purpose of posting online, of course.
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Speedbird2008
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#34
Report 14 years ago
#34
Pretentious, poorly structured, and no real content to it.

Way to many "in my opinion" views, and not a lot of justification.

Apart from that, it is fine.

Also sounds like you don't know some of the words, and are using them to make yourself sounds clever...
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βored
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#35
Report 14 years ago
#35
Come to my school. The head of 6th form made everyone who is applying to university the title of 'Senior prefect'.
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muhammad680
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#36
Report 13 years ago
#36
thanks man ur letter really helped me.
thats a fine piece you got there
thnx for sharing
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diddyman:)
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#37
Report 12 years ago
#37
totally newww
anything you should definately include in an application?
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mariami
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#38
Report 11 years ago
#38
ohhhhhhhhh u have lots of bad grammer in here i think u should have a little look at it
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pinkpont
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#39
Report 11 years ago
#39
(Original post by mariami)
ohhhhhhhhh u have lots of bad grammer in here i think u should have a little look at it
1) It's grammar, not grammer
2) The thread is two years old, I think it's a little late now.
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Ishmail Sheriff
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#40
Report 7 months ago
#40
(Original post by Jiajun)
anyway, i wrote this letter to apply for my school's senior prefects, i only got to this sixth form this year, but i will give it a shot any how... im not allowed to write more than a A4, and here it is... please tell me any changes i need to make ot any thoughts on it please... i need to hand it in tomorrow... thanks, here it is...

Dear Headmaster:

I’m writing this letter to inform you of my application for the position of Senior Prefect in the school’s sixth form.

This position as I see it, is a vital part of the school’s foundations as well as its tradition which acts as a helping hand to the school’s community, but most importantly, in my opinion it acts as a leading demonstration of the school’s abilities to the ‘outside world’, by which I mean not only the parents of current and prospective pupils, but the people all over the country! I am as ready as ever to take on such responsibilities with pride and would offer my all to the cause.

On the other hand, other key aspects of the position in my opinion, include to assist whoever in need, whether they’re troubled by problems in school or outside and need someone to talk to, wanting helps in deciding their future or simply just puzzled by their schoolwork and need guidance, a Senior Prefect should always be on hand and prepared to help. Also, another key point of the position is to try to assist in making the running of the school as smooth as possible, whether it was to help keeping order in the playground and the corridor, or setting examples to the younger pupils on how to study and behave, a Senior Prefect should always be leading the way.

Although I only came to the school’s sixth form recently, this should by no means indicating my relative lack of ‘experience’, in fact, this only makes me hungry with desire to know everything there’s to know in the school, and do everything there’s to do. The fact that I used go to another school meant that as a Prefect, when I see something that can be improved in contrast to other schools, I could bring changes for the greater good, and when I see something good, I could encourage it to be better!

By applying for the position of Senior Prefects, I hope to acquire responsibilities of the level which I have never had, and so to constantly challenge myself to a higher level is what brings one true joy, which I’m sure you, would agree.

I am, as you can see, rearing to go, ready to offer my service to the school with utmost pride, and in doing so gain rewards which I will treasure, and furthermore to get to know all those I haven’t yet met, especially teachers who I never had. And as someone famously said before, ‘Trust you seek, Find in me’.

The end...
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