Hi everyone,
I was wondering why it is difficult for me to have guy friends. At first it is all fine and dandy, but then they all end up wanting to sleep with me in some shape or form (probably because I am not bad looking and they are straight, single, young guys, so it isn't rocket science) and I like(d) the attention (as well as not wanting to offend anyone) so I would flirt back coyly, but the friendship never seems to last as it becomes awkward for some reason or the other and we inevitably stop talking with them blanking me because I won't give them what they want, they get bored of me or get the wrong end of the stick somehow.
It seems they either end up thinking think I am *****y, crazy, desperate, and probably some other derogatory stuff. We are all entitled to an opinion and I know (as does anyone who truly knows me) it isn't true, so that in itself isn't what grinds my gears. It is the fact that they don't have the cahones to tell me directly and I am left to wonder what the heck is going on until I give up trying as I get fed up of caring and not getting anything but silence. The lack of decorum is what bothers me. I also wouldn't want to stay in contact with people who think negatively of me like that for no real good reason, especially when they thought highly of me before.
Anyway, I feel like I am going out of my mind because all I ever wanted was to have a close male friendship with a nice, decent guy but something always goes wrong and it is frustrating and annoying. I don't know whether it is my fault or the guys in question. Probably shared and not one-sided, but I don't want to keep blaming myself or them because it is what it is and doesn't change things. I just want to move on and not worry about a few guys who I feel have mislead me in terms of friendship, but whatever, I am not completely faultless either and probably deserve it. I just feel pathetic because I shouldn't be bothered or concerned about it, but I am and that is what makes me different to them. I know it is their loss because I am a caring person with other good qualities too, but it is also my loss too as they were really sweet to me and I enjoyed their company, like they did mine. I just wish there wasn't a shelf life on our friendships. With girls, it is not really like this for the most part. The dynamics are completely different. I suppose I don't know what a proper long-term friendship with a guy is even like and if I can even have one, but I'd like to even though it hurts me every time a friendship ends quite abruptly with both of us not talking anymore. I always have that fear and it makes it really hard to trust, respect and like men. I don't want to be like that, but it is hard when seemingly every guy I encounter ends up inevitably letting me down somehow or the other and this is including family members too. It is just sad really because I know there are good, noble men out there and I have utmost respect and admiration for them especially because they seem to be a rarity, at least from my perspective. I feel foolish craving such a thing when I am content with my own company as well as other female company, but I guess I like experiencing the different feelings of when I communicate with a guy, where I can be more vulnerable and feminine but also equal and free to be myself in a way that is more masculine too, if that makes sense. I much prefer telling a guy (who cares about me) about my problems because they listen more and are more sympathetic compared to their female counterparts. However, it is terrible when the same guys no longer care, as they are cold as ice and flippant. I suppose it comes as a shock considering how lovely they were back when they cared, so it is a stark contrast to what I am accustomed to. With women, at least from my experience, are always consistent with a moderate level of caring and understanding so I can never go wrong there but it isn't as emotionally satisfying as a guy treating me as though I am special and valued when I confide in them. I try my best to make anyone who confides in me to feel that way too and will go out of my way to help and comfort them in whatever ways I can, so I truly appreciate it when others put in effort with me too. I suppose my intensity is probably what puts guys off me, but that is who I am and I shouldn't have to change. They don't seem to like it when I act like I am not bothered or take a balanced approach, so by that point, it doesn't make a difference anymore. There appears to be no solution, because nothing seems to work and it makes me want to give up on male friendships all together even though it makes me happy and feel good. I particularly enjoy how playful, fun and silly it can be, whilst simultaneously sweet, tender, and deep without it being awkward or weird. I've had this type of dynamic with two girls who I considered to be my best/closest friends but I had known them for years and the context was different. Whereas with guys, this happened much more effortlessly in a shorter span of time, but obviously didn't have the longevity.
I apologise for the incoherent and inarticulate rant, but I can't sleep and needed to get it off my chest. Any thoughts and advice are welcome.