Feeling trapped in a friendship with my ex

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EthanSpiderboy
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#1
Report Thread starter 3 years ago
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Ok. This has a really weird, complicated backstory. I started going out with a girl towards the end of June 2017. I fell madly in love with her (we're both 18), we officially titled ourselves "boyfriend/girlfriend" - things were slow to begin with but it was my first love and I thought that's fine. I noticed things weren't progressing at all (all we did was hold hands, hug, and peck occasionally - nothing more than that), when I asked if we could try kissing for longer, she told me she was asexual. It hit me hard at first, but I came to terms with the fact that sex isn't everything, we could still have a fulfilling romantic relationship.

Then she went to Greece on a family holiday for 2 weeks and we had no contact, that was extremely hard for me because I had so many questions regarding the asexuality that I hadn't asked her yet. Anyway, she finally came back, and was acting weird via text. It took another week before she would let me actually see her again, and she told me she "discovered" that she was also aromantic. So, not only did she have no sexual attraction towards me or anyone else, she also had no romantic attraction towards me or anyone else. She told me this too late, I had already fallen in love with her and for some reason, we stayed together, with the knowledge that there would be no sex, and nothing more than what we already had. She didn't even like pecks on the lips, but she "put up with it" for me. Basically, she was gaining absolutely nothing out of this, and neither was I, really, but I still loved her and we stayed like this for a good 3 months.

Finally, she broke up with me via text at midnight. I will never, ever forgive her for that. We agreed to remain friends, because it was pretty much a weird friendship anyway. We're in the same classes in college and I thought I could manage with this. We're really close friends, but I still love her, and it's eating me up inside. I can't escape her because, as I said, we're in the same class (there is no other class for me to go to, to avoid her). You might think that's fine, maybe I could bare with it for the rest of the year, and I won't see her again when I go to uni. Wrong. She's got an offer from the same university as I have, and we're both going to be doing the exact same course in uni (physics, msci).

So, in other words, I'm not going to be able to fully move on, because I'm going to see her for another 5 years or so! She said she'd be happy having a relationship with someone else who is also asexual and aromantic - it would be a platonic thing where they would just hold hands/hug. I'm really really scared that the day will come where I'm walking around uni campus and come across her holding hands with someone. If that day comes, that will absolutely kill me.
I feel so trapped right now. I can't get away from her, not just physically but emotionally - I still have an emotional attachment to her. I want to just get away from her altogether and move on with my life but that may not happen. I'm not going to wish to go to a different university, I've already accepted my offer, and I've always wanted to go this uni anyway.

What the hell do I do???!?
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Archon9
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Chill out and focus on your college work this relationship is irrelevant to the bigger picture and does not require your attention!
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JDieMstr
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Nothing much to do there. She could always change her mind later on which Uni she attends. Another solution to this predicament of yours would be to attend a Uni different from hers, in which case, the best thing to do would be to wait it out until the last day or two until UCAS Uni choices expire.
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Zaynnn
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You do seem to be in a sticky situation here. I guess if you really are worried about this, you could try go to your second choice University if that is any good? I understand you have deep feelings for her, but to help both of you not feel awkward when you are near each other again, you could ask her if you could just be "friends" again.

Hopefully things will work out
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Hopefully1
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Certainly understandable why you feel 'trapped'. But, the truth is all you ever had with her was a friendship. That is all. I know you said you are friends but I would actively start avoiding her because you need to put this behind you. Your needs in a relationship are just as important as the girl's in a relationship. You were willing to give up romance and sex(if that was an issue) for her. You're a really caring person. Your needs deserve to be met too and she wasn't willing to even compromise nor will she be. Right now she isn't being your friend if she isn't letting you move on. Don't message her and have as little contact as possible. If need be tell her you're not mad but you need to move forward in your life and continuing to connect with her is holding your back and unhealthy. Then stick to that policy then when you are no longer emotional about her perhaps you can strike up a mutually plutonic friendship.

If she remains asexual/aromantic I can pretty much promise you you will not be running into her on campus seeing her hold some other guy's hand. The roles there are much more likely to be reversed - that she'll see YOU holding hands with another girl. You could go to another uni but that would be a shame for you to run away from your top pick because of any girl.

I hope you are going away to uni. - even if she'll be at the same uni. Hopefully you won't be living in the same accommodation as she will. It will really make a difference if you live on campus and even better if you live in a catered hall as they tend to be more social. If you can live in a different hall than she is you will be making a lot of new friends and definitely meeting a lot of new girls! Continue to actively avoid her. Your heart will fall for another girl I feel certain. Being in a relationship is about making each other happy and doing for the other person - as best as you can. She, frankly, sounds rather selfish to me. You know in your heart that this isn't the relationship for you but give it time...... you just haven't met your girl yet(!).... she's still out there.

The girl from college just let you know that you are capable of feeling love, sexual and romantic. You also will really appreciate the next girl who comes along and is romantic and eventually sexual when the time is right. Let this relationship go. The only one trapping you is yourself.....not allowing yourself to move on and giving her too much headspace in your brain. Let her go so when your next 'real' girlfriend comes along you'll be ready for her. Good luck!

P.S. This spring semester will go by really fast so concentrate on making the grades you need for uni and not on your ex. Easier said than done, yes, but your can do it! Best of luck!
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