So I ended my marriage 2 days ago, and though I feel it was the right decision for the both of us, I'm trying to learn from any mistakes. I'm looking for honest opinions as a learning opportunity.
As background, I have been married for over 2 years and together for 5 years with no children (unless you count the dog). I have trust issues and have done for as long as I can remember, which he used to be patient with but understandably have ended up frustrating him a lot. I never outright accuse him of anything, but I like to talk about any insecurities I have to get it out of my head and usually seek a little reassurance. I thought I was being sensible but looking back it must have been draining.
Anyway, in November I found out he had kissed one of his co-workers on a night out. The woman he kissed confessed to a joint friend who told me. The other woman told my friend that he had told her that we have been unhappy for the past 7 months, sleeping in separate rooms and were discussing divorce which isn't true. I confronted him, he admitted the kiss but denied saying that to her. He said the kiss happened because they were both really drunk and it was a mistake which he regrets, but I can't imagine why she would have lied about the story he told. I moved out for a couple of weeks to stay with family, and though I had always been upfront that I couldn't forgive even a kiss, we decided we would try and work on it as we meant our vows.
Over the past month the following has happened:
- I told him I didn't want him going to his work Christmas party because she would be there and it was still fresh. He said he wanted to go regardless of what I said so he was. He suggested a compromise that he wouldn't drink, he would only go out for a few hours for the meal and would message me regularly to reassure me. Instead he was out for 12 hours, came home smashed and I only received 1 text message.
- He went away for 2 weeks to his family's home over Christmas (we had planned to go together but I didn't feel comfortable yet going to another county and sharing a room again). On NYE he ended our marriage over the phone because I'd been talking to my friend about what had happened, and was photographed minus wedding ring and laughing enjoying his night. Next day apologised profusely and I forgave him.
- When this first happened I asked him to have no contact with the other woman due to my paranoia. I said I understood that he works with her so will have to speak at work and I'm not going to get angry about that, but asked that he has no social contact with her where he has a choice. He agreed.
- 3 days ago I had a horrible feeling so asked him directly if he still has contact with her. He said no he doesn't even speak to her at work, and that if he'd had a conversation with her he'd have told me. The next morning I had a weak moment and wrongly looked through his phone for the first time ever to put my mind at rest. Which it didn't as right there was a long text session between them that had started 5 minutes after I'd gone to bed. There was nothing flirty, but chatting about work and colleagues, unicorns and the cold weather. I spoke to him right after and told him I was no longer going to be with someone who lies to me. He has since said that it's the only conversation he's had since the kiss, that he only spoke to her to give him his new number and that he wasn't lying because it was just one conversation with nothing in it.
I don't want to stay with him as we are both just making each other miserable and I no longer trust him. Especially as he is rather good at lying. In the beginning I used all my savings to get him out of payday loan debt and made him promise to never take anything like that out again. I found a letter a couple of years later detailing the £4000 high interest payday loan he'd taken out a few months before the letter came. He said it wasn't lying nor doing anything wrong because the company was called Pounds to Pocket and didn't have payday in the title -.- He also couldn't tell me where the money was spent.
But if you have made it this far into my long post, I'm looking for other people perspective on whether I was over reacting and being overly sensitive so I can work on this in the future. I know I have issues and am in therapy to try to resolve them (anxiety and worry issues), but I struggle to see myself where I'm being sensible or being paranoid.