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Am I overreacting? (Long...) watch

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    So I ended my marriage 2 days ago, and though I feel it was the right decision for the both of us, I'm trying to learn from any mistakes. I'm looking for honest opinions as a learning opportunity.

    As background, I have been married for over 2 years and together for 5 years with no children (unless you count the dog). I have trust issues and have done for as long as I can remember, which he used to be patient with but understandably have ended up frustrating him a lot. I never outright accuse him of anything, but I like to talk about any insecurities I have to get it out of my head and usually seek a little reassurance. I thought I was being sensible but looking back it must have been draining.

    Anyway, in November I found out he had kissed one of his co-workers on a night out. The woman he kissed confessed to a joint friend who told me. The other woman told my friend that he had told her that we have been unhappy for the past 7 months, sleeping in separate rooms and were discussing divorce which isn't true. I confronted him, he admitted the kiss but denied saying that to her. He said the kiss happened because they were both really drunk and it was a mistake which he regrets, but I can't imagine why she would have lied about the story he told. I moved out for a couple of weeks to stay with family, and though I had always been upfront that I couldn't forgive even a kiss, we decided we would try and work on it as we meant our vows.

    Over the past month the following has happened:

    - I told him I didn't want him going to his work Christmas party because she would be there and it was still fresh. He said he wanted to go regardless of what I said so he was. He suggested a compromise that he wouldn't drink, he would only go out for a few hours for the meal and would message me regularly to reassure me. Instead he was out for 12 hours, came home smashed and I only received 1 text message.

    - He went away for 2 weeks to his family's home over Christmas (we had planned to go together but I didn't feel comfortable yet going to another county and sharing a room again). On NYE he ended our marriage over the phone because I'd been talking to my friend about what had happened, and was photographed minus wedding ring and laughing enjoying his night. Next day apologised profusely and I forgave him.

    - When this first happened I asked him to have no contact with the other woman due to my paranoia. I said I understood that he works with her so will have to speak at work and I'm not going to get angry about that, but asked that he has no social contact with her where he has a choice. He agreed.

    - 3 days ago I had a horrible feeling so asked him directly if he still has contact with her. He said no he doesn't even speak to her at work, and that if he'd had a conversation with her he'd have told me. The next morning I had a weak moment and wrongly looked through his phone for the first time ever to put my mind at rest. Which it didn't as right there was a long text session between them that had started 5 minutes after I'd gone to bed. There was nothing flirty, but chatting about work and colleagues, unicorns and the cold weather. I spoke to him right after and told him I was no longer going to be with someone who lies to me. He has since said that it's the only conversation he's had since the kiss, that he only spoke to her to give him his new number and that he wasn't lying because it was just one conversation with nothing in it.

    I don't want to stay with him as we are both just making each other miserable and I no longer trust him. Especially as he is rather good at lying. In the beginning I used all my savings to get him out of payday loan debt and made him promise to never take anything like that out again. I found a letter a couple of years later detailing the £4000 high interest payday loan he'd taken out a few months before the letter came. He said it wasn't lying nor doing anything wrong because the company was called Pounds to Pocket and didn't have payday in the title -.- He also couldn't tell me where the money was spent.

    But if you have made it this far into my long post, I'm looking for other people perspective on whether I was over reacting and being overly sensitive so I can work on this in the future. I know I have issues and am in therapy to try to resolve them (anxiety and worry issues), but I struggle to see myself where I'm being sensible or being paranoid.
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    No, you aren't overreacting. He looks to be a chronic liar and you're better off out. It's a *****y situation but you will come out the other side.
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    OK, I think I'm told that much that I'm blowing situations out of proportion that I don't trust my own reactions anymore.

    I feel that I am making the right choice regardless, I'm just afraid for my future. It's a massive change about to happen, and he is so convincing in his counter arguments that I doubt myself.
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    From what you have written, it seems to me that you've made the best decision for you, if not for him. he wants to have his cake and eat it.
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    (Original post by L.Michie)
    So I ended my marriage 2 days ago, and though I feel it was the right decision for the both of us, I'm trying to learn from any mistakes. I'm looking for honest opinions as a learning opportunity.

    As background, I have been married for over 2 years and together for 5 years with no children (unless you count the dog). I have trust issues and have done for as long as I can remember, which he used to be patient with but understandably have ended up frustrating him a lot. I never outright accuse him of anything, but I like to talk about any insecurities I have to get it out of my head and usually seek a little reassurance. I thought I was being sensible but looking back it must have been draining.

    Anyway, in November I found out he had kissed one of his co-workers on a night out. The woman he kissed confessed to a joint friend who told me. The other woman told my friend that he had told her that we have been unhappy for the past 7 months, sleeping in separate rooms and were discussing divorce which isn't true. I confronted him, he admitted the kiss but denied saying that to her. He said the kiss happened because they were both really drunk and it was a mistake which he regrets, but I can't imagine why she would have lied about the story he told. I moved out for a couple of weeks to stay with family, and though I had always been upfront that I couldn't forgive even a kiss, we decided we would try and work on it as we meant our vows.

    Over the past month the following has happened:

    - I told him I didn't want him going to his work Christmas party because she would be there and it was still fresh. He said he wanted to go regardless of what I said so he was. He suggested a compromise that he wouldn't drink, he would only go out for a few hours for the meal and would message me regularly to reassure me. Instead he was out for 12 hours, came home smashed and I only received 1 text message.

    - He went away for 2 weeks to his family's home over Christmas (we had planned to go together but I didn't feel comfortable yet going to another county and sharing a room again). On NYE he ended our marriage over the phone because I'd been talking to my friend about what had happened, and was photographed minus wedding ring and laughing enjoying his night. Next day apologised profusely and I forgave him.

    - When this first happened I asked him to have no contact with the other woman due to my paranoia. I said I understood that he works with her so will have to speak at work and I'm not going to get angry about that, but asked that he has no social contact with her where he has a choice. He agreed.

    - 3 days ago I had a horrible feeling so asked him directly if he still has contact with her. He said no he doesn't even speak to her at work, and that if he'd had a conversation with her he'd have told me. The next morning I had a weak moment and wrongly looked through his phone for the first time ever to put my mind at rest. Which it didn't as right there was a long text session between them that had started 5 minutes after I'd gone to bed. There was nothing flirty, but chatting about work and colleagues, unicorns and the cold weather. I spoke to him right after and told him I was no longer going to be with someone who lies to me. He has since said that it's the only conversation he's had since the kiss, that he only spoke to her to give him his new number and that he wasn't lying because it was just one conversation with nothing in it.

    I don't want to stay with him as we are both just making each other miserable and I no longer trust him. Especially as he is rather good at lying. In the beginning I used all my savings to get him out of payday loan debt and made him promise to never take anything like that out again. I found a letter a couple of years later detailing the £4000 high interest payday loan he'd taken out a few months before the letter came. He said it wasn't lying nor doing anything wrong because the company was called Pounds to Pocket and didn't have payday in the title -.- He also couldn't tell me where the money was spent.

    But if you have made it this far into my long post, I'm looking for other people perspective on whether I was over reacting and being overly sensitive so I can work on this in the future. I know I have issues and am in therapy to try to resolve them (anxiety and worry issues), but I struggle to see myself where I'm being sensible or being paranoid.
    Honestly I think you are overreacting and paranoid. Its real high maintenance stuff and you seem to need to keep such a tight grip on him it must be suffocating. I dont think you have treated him well.

    The one thing right at the end that would put me on alter is the payday loan. the excuse is feeble and breaks the spirit of the agreement. That is an issue of trust.


    The marriage isnt that old and I dont see much from either of you pointing to how much you love each other. Maybe removing yourselves from each others lives gets rid of the suspicion and you can sort yourself out, then try again. You wont find many men who are willing to put up with that level of insecurity and controlling nature. Too much.

    Ps the idea he is a chronic liar... you dont seem to have caught him out on any big ones yet. He may be and you find out hes less than truthful, but I cant see much in your post you have serious evidence yet.
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    I agree with that, purely because the trust has gone and I don't see me getting that back as I struggle believing anything he says. Plus I have realised that there is not really much of a marriage to save anyway. Though it's difficult as despite it all there's still love there.

    My biggest fear is that I am this person he says I am and I will never have a healthy relationship because of it. I just hate being lied to.
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    You did not make the wrong decision, it sounds like you two were making eachother miserable anyway.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    Honestly I think you are overreacting and paranoid. Its real high maintenance stuff and you seem to need to keep such a tight grip on him it must be suffocating. I dont think you have treated him well.

    The one thing right at the end that would put me on alter is the payday loan. the excuse is feeble and breaks the spirit of the agreement. That is an issue of trust.


    The marriage isnt that old and I dont see much from either of you pointing to how much you love each other. Maybe removing yourselves from each others lives gets rid of the suspicion and you can sort yourself out, then try again. You wont find many men who are willing to put up with that level of insecurity and controlling nature. Too much.
    Yes that's what I'm afraid of. I'm very aware of my issues and as I said am taking part in CBT to try to work on myself too. I definitely won't be rushing into another relationship until I've worked on my trust issues.
    In my defence I have never had any controlling tendencies prior to the kiss, it was just things I needed to be able to try and rebuild the trust whilst it was still new. But yes, I am aware dealing with my anxiety and paranoia won't have been easy for him either.
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    I wouldn't necessarily consider him a chronic liar, but he lies about silly things. The loan was a big one as that hurt after spending so much to help him out of a serious situation for him to do it again. Not knowing where the money went was difficult too as the same month he took out the loan I paid for the hire car and all of our family's Christmas presents as he said he was skint.
    I feel like it was lying when he said he doesn't talk to her when he'd only just been texting her, and the Christmas party was a lie as he came up with the compromise and didn't follow through with it.

    Otherwise it was just small things, like saying he'd done the washing up but when I got home it wasnt done. Or telling me he'd paid a bill then getting letters to say it's not paid. Saying he was always skint because he was saving up for a holiday for us but then admitting that he was just paying off more debt. Nothing marriage ending but irritating as I just hate lies. We never argued before he started lying if he hadn't done something so just wasn't sure why he started.
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    (Original post by L.Michie)
    Yes that's what I'm afraid of. I'm very aware of my issues and as I said am taking part in CBT to try to work on myself too. I definitely won't be rushing into another relationship until I've worked on my trust issues.
    In my defence I have never had any controlling tendencies prior to the kiss, it was just things I needed to be able to try and rebuild the trust whilst it was still new. But yes, I am aware dealing with my anxiety and paranoia won't have been easy for him either.
    I can only react to what I read.
    For all I know he could be untrustworthy, am just saying:

    You dont have enough evidence and the only thing you have is a kiss , which is neither here nor there.

    I dont know him but he would need patience and dedication to you, to reassure and gradually get you enough help. Maybe you could get a bit of counseling together or maybe neither of you is ready for the other?

    No idea how mature he is and how he can cope. I would find it irksome if i was to who I couldnt talk to.

    After you work on your own self esteem and if you get back to normal, then you will be less phased by these things and care less. Thats what you need to get back to a better place.

    So the answer to the OP is: Yes I think its an overreaction, but then you arent in a good place. When you get enough help so your self esteem improves, then you will react less over such events and realise you can deal with things either way.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    I can only react to what I read.
    For all I know he could be untrustworthy, am just saying:

    You dont have enough evidence and the only thing you have is a kiss , which is neither here nor there.

    I dont know him but he would need patience and dedication to you, to reassure and gradually get you enough help. Maybe you could get a bit of counseling together or maybe neither of you is ready for the other?

    No idea how mature he is and how he can cope. I would find it irksome if i was to who I couldnt talk to.

    After you work on your own self esteem and if you get back to normal, then you will be less phased by these things and care less. Thats what you need to get back to a better place.

    So the answer to the OP is: Yes I think its an overreaction, but then you arent in a good place. When you get enough help so your self esteem improves, then you will react less over such events and realise you can deal with things either way.
    Out of a 5 year relationship, other than the loan, everything written was over the last 2 months. If I was like that all the time I'd like to think he would have dragged me to the therapist chair lol. But yes, I've been in a bad place over the last couple of months because a kiss isn't just here nor there to me. We both had pre marriage counselling through the church and were both in agreement that neither of us would forgive a kiss. I wanted to go to couple counselling and asked him to arrange it through the church when this first happened but he hadn't arranged anything up til now. I asked him as he is Catholic and I am not, so figured he was best placed to organise it. I have researched other companies but we cannot afford their £60 for 50 minutes fees.

    Yes my self esteem is shockingly bad which is a lot for him to deal with. I hate the idea that my marriage is over as we promised for better or worse, but we are both so unhappy that it seems ridiculous to do anything but part ways.
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    Not sure I could forgive my wife snogging someone else at a party, to be honest. I find it incredible that anyone would think that something like that is 'neither here nor there'.
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    (Original post by L.Michie)
    Out of a 5 year relationship, other than the loan, everything written was over the last 2 months. If I was like that all the time I'd like to think he would have dragged me to the therapist chair lol. But yes, I've been in a bad place over the last couple of months because a kiss isn't just here nor there to me. We both had pre marriage counselling through the church and were both in agreement that neither of us would forgive a kiss. I wanted to go to couple counselling and asked him to arrange it through the church when this first happened but he hadn't arranged anything up til now. I asked him as he is Catholic and I am not, so figured he was best placed to organise it. I have researched other companies but we cannot afford their £60 for 50 minutes fees.

    Yes my self esteem is shockingly bad which is a lot for him to deal with. I hate the idea that my marriage is over as we promised for better or worse, but we are both so unhappy that it seems ridiculous to do anything but part ways.
    What about a separation? Do you love him enough to want to make it work rather than feel obligated? He seems to just be a walking excuse to a to your insecurities at the moment. All sounds hard work.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    What about a separation? Do you love him enough to want to make it work rather than feel obligated? He seems to just be a walking excuse to a to your insecurities at the moment. All sounds hard work.
    I've thought about it, but we've both made each other unhappy in our different ways. I love him completely, but I don't want to make him unhappy anymore. A separation would likely just drag out the inevitable which isn't fair on either of us.
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    (Original post by L.Michie)
    I've thought about it, but we've both made each other unhappy in our different ways. I love him completely, but I don't want to make him unhappy anymore. A separation would likely just drag out the inevitable which isn't fair on either of us.
    It sounds a bit tiring. I would think is most situations then a marriage would cope with things like this. Only two years rather than twenty and kids. Live and learn. Work on self esteem and just making yourself happy, so you are more self sufficient.

    Btw dont beat yourself up. If its only been for two months, then id still be in there fighting to keep it together and let you be unreasonable for six months at least, but at some stage it would need to settle.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    It sounds a bit tiring. I would think is most situations then a marriage would cope with things like this. Only two years rather than twenty and kids. Live and learn. Work on self esteem and just making yourself happy, so you are more self sufficient.
    It is that. I'm not afraid to be alone, I lived single and alone for 5 years before we lived together and was content. Our relationship was a happy accident as I wasn't looking for anything. Our issues surrounding my insecurity is all self esteem based as I've never felt good enough for him, and I've always been waiting for the day he realised that too. Self fulfilling prophecy...
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    (Original post by L.Michie)
    It is that. I'm not afraid to be alone, I lived single and alone for 5 years before we lived together and was content. Our relationship was a happy accident as I wasn't looking for anything. Our issues surrounding my insecurity is all self esteem based as I've never felt good enough for him, and I've always been waiting for the day he realised that too. Self fulfilling prophecy...
    You can improve it though. That will make you happier imo.

    I find sometimes life throws things at you that just gets too tiring and boring.
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    I've had therapy before and it didn't help, but this time around it seems to be helping. I'm having a few realizations about things I thought I was doing for the right reasons, but have in fact been fuelling my anxieties and dragging me (and him) down. I just feel it's too late. Working on myself isn't going to change how I feel about the kiss and the continuing friendship with this other woman, and his patience has already drained the fight out of him. Just need to focus on what happens next now =(
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    Congratulations! Well done on making exactly the right decision and ending your marriage withour further ado.

    Your marriage was effectively over the day you started sleeping in separate rooms. He was getting sex elsewhere by that time.

    Try to get as good a financial settlement as you can from the divorce. Get a good solicitor onto it.


    It's a typical liars thing to say to accuse you of being insecure. It's impossible to say whether you are or not. Even if you are, it's not going to be a big problem with the right man. A man with more integrity than your ex.

    You sound like a wonderful, loving, wife. You deserve to have a very special man in your life.
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    (Original post by Dunnig Kruger)
    Congratulations! Well done on making exactly the right decision and ending your marriage withour further ado.

    Your marriage was effectively over the day you started sleeping in separate rooms. He was getting sex elsewhere by that time.

    Try to get as good a financial settlement as you can from the divorce. Get a good solicitor onto it.


    It's a typical liars thing to say to accuse you of being insecure. It's impossible to say whether you are or not. Even if you are, it's not going to be a big problem with the right man. A man with more integrity than your ex.

    You sound like a wonderful, loving, wife. You deserve to have a very special man in your life.
    I do sometimes wonder if he plays on the insecurity to have me back down on a topic, even when it's as small a thing as who will do the washing up but I do know the problem is real rather than manufactured by him.

    I don't believe he was sleeping with anyone else, I hope not anyway!! He's not perfect but I really don't believe he's that guy. Just feels sad ending a relationship we vowed would be forever, despite it being the right thing to do.

    Ha you sound like my dad, we won't be using solicitors but dealing with it ourselves. There's not much to divide and we're not at each other's throats so are going to deal with a horrid situation in a civilised and dignified manner. I'm certainly not after any money, and neither is he. Just don't want it to be more uncomfortable than it needs to be.

    I agree that I have been loving, more so than him as he doesn't express emotion all that often. But wonderful is extreme as I have many faults also, everybody does. I just wish each of our faults had been more compatible lol.
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