Persuasive speech writing ( Positive and Negative impacts of online computer games) Watch

saarag
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Can someone please check this persuasive speech writing for me ?

Online computer games are like other technologies which has been drastically changing in the past few decades. They are addictive and can cause many illnesses e.g (spoiling eyesight )

Firstly online computer games can corrupt little children's tendered heart minds. They are very violent and can make them encourage to hurt other people ad can make them bad attitude in front of people which is quite devastating .

Secondly, it can stop them from playing outside, and having outdoor adventures.Making them not to exercise and not to socialize with people in their neighborhood. Having outdoor adventures gives children understanding of the world around and how marvellous it is . Some parents think children should stay at home to not get hurt from anything how misguided?

However, they are sometimes harmful to us they are good in a way as well . Playing online games gives them a vast understanding about the computers and its features and it can give them knowledge about the device.

Last but not least , they are more likely to get a job. They can become an engineer who makes online games , and through the knowledge and time they have spent on computing they can produce their own nerve rackling game themselves.

In my opinion , online video games are good and have many positive effects on your learning but only if they are used in a good way.
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lowza
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Online computer games, like other forms of technology, have been drastically changing over the past few decades. They are addictive and can cause many illnesses e.g (spoiling eyesight) (This is an unjustified claim, put in a statistic here to prove your point)

Firstly, online computer games (such as...you need to put evidence in) can corrupt little children's tender hearts and minds. They are very violent and can encourage them to hurt other people. (I would just cut this sentence about attitude as you can't prove it)

Furthermore, it can stop them from playing outside. Therefore they do not exercise, nor socialise with people in their neighborhood. Having outdoor adventures gives children understanding of the world around and how marvellous it is . However, some parents think children should stay at home as to not get hurt from anything. Isn't that misguided?

Despite this, video games can also be positive. Playing online games gives them a vast understanding about computers. (Why is this important?)

Last but not least, they open up more job opportunities. Through the knowledge and time they have spent on computing they can become an engineer who makes online games.

In my opinion, online video games are good and have many positive effects on learning.

Okay I've gone through and changed bits as to how I would have it - red are edits, and blue are comments. However, overall, it seems very short and your conclusion doesn't fit what you've argued. If you think they are 'good' then why have you spent so long arguing against them? I think you need to keep your argument as against video games to make it coherent. You can present a balanced argument and what others might say, and then dispute it to keep it on track with your own point.

Hope this is helpful X
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saarag
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Thank you so much will definitely improve .
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