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Forced Marriage

Forgive me as this is going to be lengthy, but here goes

I’m a 20 year old Pakistani girl, currently at university studying Law. I met someone at work and we started dating and have been for just over 6 months now. Due the guilt I had of lying to my parents, I made this decision to tell them about him and as I’m a Muslim girl my intention was to tell them to meet him so we could talk about marriage and making our relationship halal.

However, my parents rejected on the basis that he’s the same age as me and that he is NOT RICH ENOUGH. Apparently the guy I marry has to be a few years older. Also, rejected him as “he is nothing, he doesn’t have his own house, lives in a bad area, his mum’s Indian, he will be nothing in the future.” “Why couldn’t you find someone of our status?” He’s at a good university with a promising career. Also currently earns enough in his part time job to support us if we do get married.

Not only did my parents reject him, they treated me in a way a daughter could NEVER imagine. Things such as “God should never give anyone a daughter like you”, “why do you have such low standards.” “What will people say?”, “If you wanna marry him, you’ll be dead to us. We’ll forget we ever had a daughter.” “Good daughter’s quietly do as they’re told.” On top of all of this my parents, including my younger brother stopped talking to me because apparently I’m the one who has made a mistake.

My parents made me leave my job, changed my number. Lastly, something that was a huge shock to me, my parents are now emotionally blackmailing and forcing me to marry someone I have never met. I will only be allowed to meet him once before marriage and then I have to accept to marry him. If I don’t I’ll be emotionally abused again and I’ll be told that I’m a “bad daughter that doesn’t care about her parents’ and family respect”.

How can I marry someone when I’m in love with someone else? How can I marry someone who doesn’t live in the U.K and who I’ll only meet once? How can my parents emotionally force and blackmail me into meeting the guys I don’t wanna meet.

I’m so lost and confused as to what I should do. I have no one supporting me. I haven’t been able to focus on university and I am in a position of giving into my parents wish for the sake of their happiness and I’ll sacrifice what I want, because apparently “every daughter owes their parents something in this culture because they’ve looked after you their whole lives.”

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Forced marriage is haram in islam, please try to explain this to your parents, or seek help from an imam or trusted muslim. Please do not marry someone you don't want to.
Our culture is **** and regressive. My parents are similar but no where near as blackmailing, however they are still very controlling, which is why i talk to them as little as possible, the less i talk to them about what happens in my life the better off we all are. Do not get an arranged marriage, you will be miserable especially since you carry a torch for someone else.
(edited 6 years ago)
This is really upsetting and I am disgusted at the way you have been treated. Your parents should not speak to you like this. keep praying and reading namaz and ask for guidance

Original post by Anonymous
Forgive me as this is going to be lengthy, but here goes

I’m a 20 year old Pakistani girl, currently at university studying Law. I met someone at work and we started dating and have been for just over 6 months now. Due the guilt I had of lying to my parents, I made this decision to tell them about him and as I’m a Muslim girl my intention was to tell them to meet him so we could talk about marriage and making our relationship halal.

However, my parents rejected on the basis that he’s the same age as me and that he is NOT RICH ENOUGH. Apparently the guy I marry has to be a few years older. Also, rejected him as “he is nothing, he doesn’t have his own house, lives in a bad area, his mum’s Indian, he will be nothing in the future.” “Why couldn’t you find someone of our status?” He’s at a good university with a promising career. Also currently earns enough in his part time job to support us if we do get married.

Not only did my parents reject him, they treated me in a way a daughter could NEVER imagine. Things such as “God should never give anyone a daughter like you”, “why do you have such low standards.” “What will people say?”, “If you wanna marry him, you’ll be dead to us. We’ll forget we ever had a daughter.” “Good daughter’s quietly do as they’re told.” On top of all of this my parents, including my younger brother stopped talking to me because apparently I’m the one who has made a mistake.

My parents made me leave my job, changed my number. Lastly, something that was a huge shock to me, my parents are now emotionally blackmailing and forcing me to marry someone I have never met. I will only be allowed to meet him once before marriage and then I have to accept to marry him. If I don’t I’ll be emotionally abused again and I’ll be told that I’m a “bad daughter that doesn’t care about her parents’ and family respect”.

How can I marry someone when I’m in love with someone else? How can I marry someone who doesn’t live in the U.K and who I’ll only meet once? How can my parents emotionally force and blackmail me into meeting the guys I don’t wanna meet.

I’m so lost and confused as to what I should do. I have no one supporting me. I haven’t been able to focus on university and I am in a position of giving into my parents wish for the sake of their happiness and I’ll sacrifice what I want, because apparently “every daughter owes their parents something in this culture because they’ve looked after you their whole lives.”
I too would do anything for my parents happiness, but this is not right, emotional abuse is not right. Your parents should accept who you are. Im begging you not to go through with this if it is not what you want, not only for yourself but for the person you are going to marry. Life will suck for both of you.
you're 20 just cut them off and never speak to them again
It may hurt but from what you've said about your parents....they are superficial and traditional to the bone (backwater tradition btw). Your only hope of living your own free life is leaving them and becoming independent. Otherwise, you might as well just become their puppet as they seem like hellbent on not changing their decision.
You're 20 years old, your parents can't make you do anything unless you let them. If they're going to be like this then they aren't worth your time and you'd be better off surrounding yourself with people that actually love you for who you are instead of what you do for them. Don't throw away the rest of your life by marrying some stranger just because it won't change the fact that your parents are backwards in their thinking, you deserve waaaay better than that. Focus on your studies and doing what you want in your life instead of living for people who had their chance and are trying to make up for it by controlling your life
they can't force you to do anything. If I were you and my parents tried to force me to meet someone I'd call the police and let them deal with it
Reply 9
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Anonymous #1
OP
Original post by tali22
Forced marriage is haram in islam, please try to explain this to your parents, or seek help from an imam or trusted muslim. Please do not marry someone you don't want to.


What about the religious obligation to obey parents? Isn’t it haram to hurt or make your parents cry?
What about the religious obligation to obey parents in Islam? Is it not haram to hurt or make your parents cry? After all, in Islam parents are given the utmost importance. It upsets me to see that I’m the reason they’re crying.
Original post by tali22
Forced marriage is haram in islam, please try to explain this to your parents, or seek help from an imam or trusted muslim. Please do not marry someone you don't want to.



Religiously speaking, am I not obliged to respect my parents. Is it not haram to hurt or make your parents cry. It hurts me to know that I am the reason they are upset and constantly crying.
Original post by Anonymous
What about the religious obligation to obey parents? Isn’t it haram to hurt or make your parents cry?


That is true considering your parents are following islamic rules, if your parents are making you do something that is clearly forbidden in the Quran, you cannot listen to them, because God comes first, and in the Quran you can find passages clearly stating that it is forbidden in islam to force someone to marry another.

For example, I have to listen to my parents and do everything they want me to, but if they were to ask or force me to do something that is against islam I am not allowed to listen to them xx
this might give you more information

http://www.therevival.co.uk/forced-arranged-love-secret-marriages

also, if your parents make you marry someone you don't want to, in islam the marriage is invalid


Original post by Anonymous
What about the religious obligation to obey parents in Islam? Is it not haram to hurt or make your parents cry? After all, in Islam parents are given the utmost importance. It upsets me to see that I’m the reason they’re crying.
if your parents are forcing you, they are actually committing a major sin, please read the article in the link I posted above, you should inform your parents of this.
here is another link

https://islamqa.info/en/163990
Quran 4:19 “O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may Take away part of the dower ye have given them,except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.”


Abu Hurairah reported the Prophet as saying “A woman who has been previously married should not be married until her permission is asked nor should a virgin be married without her permission.“ They (the people) asked “What is her permission, Apostle of God? He replied “it is by her keeping silence.” (Sunan Abi Dawud Book 11, Hadith 2087)




“O you who have believed, it is not lawful for you to inherit women by compulsion. And do not make difficulties for them…” [The Quran: an-Nisaa’ 4:19]
if your parents are degrading you and treating you like crap then you need to take a stand, if they're threatening to cut you off, they could use this to control you throughout your life, with the same threats. You need to respect your parents but also. have self-respect. The way they are treating the guy you want to marry is horrible as well, status etc is rubbish, he's a hard worker, has vision, likes you, is a good person, they shouldn't be marrying you off depending on his money. You should both support each other financially, also I wanted to ask, does the man you want to marry know what is happening? What are his parents saying? I really want to help you out, your situation is so upsetting x


Original post by Anonymous
Forgive me as this is going to be lengthy, but here goes

I’m a 20 year old Pakistani girl, currently at university studying Law. I met someone at work and we started dating and have been for just over 6 months now. Due the guilt I had of lying to my parents, I made this decision to tell them about him and as I’m a Muslim girl my intention was to tell them to meet him so we could talk about marriage and making our relationship halal.

However, my parents rejected on the basis that he’s the same age as me and that he is NOT RICH ENOUGH. Apparently the guy I marry has to be a few years older. Also, rejected him as “he is nothing, he doesn’t have his own house, lives in a bad area, his mum’s Indian, he will be nothing in the future.” “Why couldn’t you find someone of our status?” He’s at a good university with a promising career. Also currently earns enough in his part time job to support us if we do get married.

Not only did my parents reject him, they treated me in a way a daughter could NEVER imagine. Things such as “God should never give anyone a daughter like you”, “why do you have such low standards.” “What will people say?”, “If you wanna marry him, you’ll be dead to us. We’ll forget we ever had a daughter.” “Good daughter’s quietly do as they’re told.” On top of all of this my parents, including my younger brother stopped talking to me because apparently I’m the one who has made a mistake.

My parents made me leave my job, changed my number. Lastly, something that was a huge shock to me, my parents are now emotionally blackmailing and forcing me to marry someone I have never met. I will only be allowed to meet him once before marriage and then I have to accept to marry him. If I don’t I’ll be emotionally abused again and I’ll be told that I’m a “bad daughter that doesn’t care about her parents’ and family respect”.

How can I marry someone when I’m in love with someone else? How can I marry someone who doesn’t live in the U.K and who I’ll only meet once? How can my parents emotionally force and blackmail me into meeting the guys I don’t wanna meet.

I’m so lost and confused as to what I should do. I have no one supporting me. I haven’t been able to focus on university and I am in a position of giving into my parents wish for the sake of their happiness and I’ll sacrifice what I want, because apparently “every daughter owes their parents something in this culture because they’ve looked after you their whole lives.”
Your 20 studying law i know its hard but push through and get the degree and then aim for a good job magic circle etc and then say bye to parents and marry the person you want. Don’t get trapped into marrying someone else because of them. The fact your parents did not like the guy because he is not rich enough etc mums Indian is enough to tell me what kind of mentality they have. Just do you. Focus on degree get career and move out.
I hate when people cant work out the difference between culture and religion.
Tell them at least you had the audacity to go to them and say you wanted it halal. He may not be "rich enough" now, so ask your parents can you at least get nikah done, and when you are both stable, walimah can then be done.
Voice your opinion and tell them why you don't want to get married to someone you don't know. it's gonna f*** you up personally if you know you love someone else.
Just keep praying and have hope b xx
In my prayers x

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