Turn on thread page Beta
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    Hi all,

    Hope some of you can give some advice. Our son started University in September. We have only just found out that he hasnt been attending since before Christmas. He says he can t cope with studying any more and wants to leave.

    He has said that he has applied to some apprenticeships nearer to home and wants to move back in.

    We have no problem with that, and would encourage him to do so. However, we have caught him out in a number of lies and after confronting him, we discovered that his best friend from home has basically been with him at his uni digs. This person is quite an unsavoury character and basically scrounges of our son all the time. He even persuaded our son to book a week long break in Amsterdam, not once, but twice since September. Once in October and again at the start of January.

    Even when his friend isnt at the uni with him, they spend hours per night on the phone to each other. I only know this as I pay his phone bill.

    We are worried that this friend has persuaded him to leave uni, and he has been kicked out by his parents and is looking for a flat and no doubt wants our son to move in as well.

    We cannot make our son see sense, he thinks his friend is a good person, but he is not and other families round here know him as a total waste of space.

    Our son is going to drop out in the next couple of weeks and we are worried he will throw his life away.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and sorry for the long post.

    Thank You
    • Section Leader
    • Very Important Poster
    • Peer Support Volunteers
    Online

    21
    ReputationRep:
    Section Leader
    Very Important Poster
    Peer Support Volunteers
    (Original post by sallywally72)
    Hi all,

    Hope some of you can give some advice. Our son started University in September. We have only just found out that he hasnt been attending since before Christmas. He says he can t cope with studying any more and wants to leave.

    He has said that he has applied to some apprenticeships nearer to home and wants to move back in.

    We have no problem with that, and would encourage him to do so. However, we have caught him out in a number of lies and after confronting him, we discovered that his best friend from home has basically been with him at his uni digs. This person is quite an unsavoury character and basically scrounges of our son all the time. He even persuaded our son to book a week long break in Amsterdam, not once, but twice since September. Once in October and again at the start of January.

    Even when his friend isnt at the uni with him, they spend hours per night on the phone to each other. I only know this as I pay his phone bill.

    We are worried that this friend has persuaded him to leave uni, and he has been kicked out by his parents and is looking for a flat and no doubt wants our son to move in as well.

    We cannot make our son see sense, he thinks his friend is a good person, but he is not and other families round here know him as a total waste of space.

    Our son is going to drop out in the next couple of weeks and we are worried he will throw his life away.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and sorry for the long post.

    Thank You
    I'm not a parent so perhaps not best placed to advise you, however unfortunately as an adult perhaps your son will only realise that his friend is bad news on his own. If he drops out now, he'd still have the funding left to go back but perhaps explain the consequences of having to give his loan back, get out of his tenancy and so on and not being able to get much financial help if he decided to do an apprenticeship now and not mention the friend in the discussion.
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    I am currently going through the same situation as you minus the friend part. My son is half way through his 2nd year at Uni and this week has announced he is quitting due to pressure of exams and study but wishes to have a year off and then resume studying. We have pointed out the financial Implications, the fact we live in a low wage area with seasonal employment and he has no work experience to put on his CV to an employer and now a massive near 2 year employment gap.

    He is adamant he is leaving and signed all the Uni forms yesterday. I ha e tried desperately to remain calm and point out his options but overnight I have come to the conclusion he is 19 and must make his own choices, even if I believe they are wrong. It is time to let go of the apron strings and let him find out what life is really like in a low paid job in our area. My husband and I feel disappointed in him as he doesn’t seem to have any motivation at all and has quit without examining all the options first. But you cannot live their lives for them and they must learn from their own mistakes.

    I feel your son also is going to have to learn from his own mistakes. If he thinks life will be rosier with him and his friend side by side, wait until he is confronted with the harsh realities of life: rent, bills etc. We have told our son in no uncertain terms he will not be having an easy ride at home and he will be expected to contribute to the household and must find any job quickly.

    I think being there when they need advice and ask you for it is all we can now do as parents. Watching them make their own mistakes is hard but essentially that’s the only way they will learn what life is about and that the grass is definitely not greener.

    Wishing you all the best and hope your son comes to realise he was better off at Uni. Quitting in the first year still means he will have 3 years funding left should he wish to resume Uni in the future. For my son it will be only 2 years and he wi,l have to self fund a year...so essentially he will never be returning.
    • TSR Support Team
    • Peer Support Volunteers
    • PS Reviewer
    Online

    20
    ReputationRep:
    TSR Support Team
    Peer Support Volunteers
    PS Reviewer
    (Original post by sallywally72)
    Hi all,

    Hope some of you can give some advice. Our son started University in September. We have only just found out that he hasnt been attending since before Christmas. He says he can t cope with studying any more and wants to leave.

    He has said that he has applied to some apprenticeships nearer to home and wants to move back in.

    We have no problem with that, and would encourage him to do so. However, we have caught him out in a number of lies and after confronting him, we discovered that his best friend from home has basically been with him at his uni digs. This person is quite an unsavoury character and basically scrounges of our son all the time. He even persuaded our son to book a week long break in Amsterdam, not once, but twice since September. Once in October and again at the start of January.

    Even when his friend isnt at the uni with him, they spend hours per night on the phone to each other. I only know this as I pay his phone bill.

    We are worried that this friend has persuaded him to leave uni, and he has been kicked out by his parents and is looking for a flat and no doubt wants our son to move in as well.

    We cannot make our son see sense, he thinks his friend is a good person, but he is not and other families round here know him as a total waste of space.

    Our son is going to drop out in the next couple of weeks and we are worried he will throw his life away.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and sorry for the long post.

    Thank You
    As Claire has said, your son is now an adult. Unfortunately he's not at a stage of his life where you have any control over his actions or his friendships. Trying to tell him otherwise at this stage will just push him further away, and at this time he probably really needs your support. Leaving university under any circumstances is hard, and I'm sure he feels some guilt and feelings of failure for doing so. There is so much pressure nowadays for young people to attend university and whether you realise it or not, a lot of this comes from parents. He probably feels that he has let you down immensely, whether he says this or not.

    This situation may not be as bad as you think. Apprenticeships are actually very good ways of getting into some well-paid careers and often are a better option than university, with much better job prospects. It would be very wrong to consider this as throwing his life away. Many students leaving university are depressed and feeling hopeless. Your son has been proactive and has found an alternative which shows he does care about his future, and also about what you think of him.

    As far as friendships go, unfortunately there is little you can do about this. Whilst you may think you know best, as it is usual for parents to do, your son has spent much more time with this person than you have, and perhaps sees a different side to him. At the same time, people make mistakes and I'm sure most people have old friends who they no longer have anything to do with.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    Thanks for all the replies, much appreciated. One more question, could someone give me an idea as to what the financial implications will be regarding his student finance.

    Thanks
    • TSR Support Team
    • Peer Support Volunteers
    • PS Reviewer
    Online

    20
    ReputationRep:
    TSR Support Team
    Peer Support Volunteers
    PS Reviewer
    (Original post by sallywally72)
    Thanks for all the replies, much appreciated. One more question, could someone give me an idea as to what the financial implications will be regarding his student finance.

    Thanks
    Any money he has borrowed would be paid back in the same way it would for a graduate, so when he is earning over £21,000. The amount he will need to pay and the repayment terms can vary depending whether he is studying in England, Scotland or Wales, but the relevant funding body will have all this information online.

    It's also worth considering accommodation fees and whether he is in halls or renting privately. If he hasn't already, he needs to seriously look to get someone to take over his tenancy or he will be stuck with the full contract of rent payments.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by sallywally72)
    Hi all,

    Hope some of you can give some advice. Our son started University in September. We have only just found out that he hasnt been attending since before Christmas. He says he can t cope with studying any more and wants to leave.

    He has said that he has applied to some apprenticeships nearer to home and wants to move back in.

    We have no problem with that, and would encourage him to do so. However, we have caught him out in a number of lies and after confronting him, we discovered that his best friend from home has basically been with him at his uni digs. This person is quite an unsavoury character and basically scrounges of our son all the time. He even persuaded our son to book a week long break in Amsterdam, not once, but twice since September. Once in October and again at the start of January.

    Even when his friend isnt at the uni with him, they spend hours per night on the phone to each other. I only know this as I pay his phone bill.

    We are worried that this friend has persuaded him to leave uni, and he has been kicked out by his parents and is looking for a flat and no doubt wants our son to move in as well.

    We cannot make our son see sense, he thinks his friend is a good person, but he is not and other families round here know him as a total waste of space.

    Our son is going to drop out in the next couple of weeks and we are worried he will throw his life away.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated, and sorry for the long post.

    Thank You

    You seem to blame your sons "unsavory" friend for almost everything, from your son dropping out of university, to booking holidays in Amsterdam and even running up long phone bills etc. Even on events which have not happened yet, you are already blaming your sons friend ("looking for a flat and no doubt wants our son to move in as well".)
    At almost every point your son has made decisions, you have blamed his decisions on someone else.

    The real problem here has nothing to do with your son's friend, and that is that (by your sons own admission), he couldn't cope with studying. This is why he took vacations, why he quit and why he is looking at other paths. Your son lied to you no doubt because he probably felt that if he had talked to you about his struggles at university, you would have been overly forceful in trying to persuade him to stay.

    It is wrong to blame your son's friend for communication issues that already pre-existed between you and your son (and its completely unsurprising that in a crisis where he felt like he couldn't openly talk to his family, he became so close to this friend for counsel). You call this guy a "total waste of space", however its this "total waste of space" who has been giving your son a lot of much needed support during a time when he felt he couldn't talk to other people (or would you have preferred that your son suffered his predicaments in total isolation?).

    Stop blaming the friend for your son not being able to cope with studying at university.

    In the midst of adversity your son has made some mistakes, but nothing catastrophic. I think what you best need to do is to actually hear your son out. For example, does he actually want to leave university, or is he only leaving because he did not feel that he could not cope with studying and feels now that he has fallen too far behind to catch back up (or feels that he wouldn't cope with the amount of study it would take to catch up)?
    These are the sorts of important questions that need to be asked.

    This sounds like a study coping issue (and one that can potentially be fixed/alleviated). But you need to properly hear your son out and really discuss things without heated emotions. In your mind, him leaving university is disastrous. However you have to realize that he is not leaving because he hasn't been given a persuasive enough argument to stay, but because he hasn't been given any persuasive enough solutions on coping with studying better.

    Your son sounds like that despite his struggles with studying, he hasn't given up trying to improve his lot in life (deciding that even if university is off the cards, he might better cope with an apprenticeship). He is trying to make good choices (and has a will to improve himself). So have a chat with him about his study work load stresses and how it could be possible for him to cope better (such as providing private tuition and informing his teachers about the situation and his needs etc).
    • Section Leader
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    Section Leader
    (Original post by Bernadette04)
    Quitting in the first year still means he will have 3 years funding left should he wish to resume Uni in the future. For my son it will be only 2 years and he wi,l have to self fund a year...so essentially he will never be returning.
    If he can resume at the start of Year 2 (probably at the same university) funding won't be a problem.

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • Section Leader
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    Section Leader
    (Original post by Rabbit2)
    Many people in the Uk, i have noticed (as well as here), take courses leading to a degree in English, Modern Art, History, International Affairs... etc, etc. IMHO, these are basically worthless and a waste of money. They will NOT improve your prospects of employment, nor add to your income - when it comes time to support a partner and family.
    They do. And your "advice" isn't helping.

    Most graduate job vacancies don't specify a degree subject.

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    wait..."The Parent Room"? Since when...
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Doonesbury)
    If he can resume at the start of Year 2 (probably at the same university) funding won't be a problem.

    Posted from TSR Mobile
    Thank you for that clarification. His Uni has offered him the chance to return in January 2019 the same stage he is leaving at now. But he wants to begin the entire 2nd year again, which isn’t an option. I was just very worried about the funding so thank you for clearing that up for me.
    • Section Leader
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    Section Leader
    (Original post by Bernadette04)
    Thank you for that clarification. His Uni has offered him the chance to return in January 2019 the same stage he is leaving at now. But he wants to begin the entire 2nd year again, which isn’t an option. I was just very worried about the funding so thank you for clearing that up for me.
    It shouldn't really matter to the university if he re-joins at the start of an academic year (in fact it would be more common to do that), but eitherway funding is covered.
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    you need to confront your son instead of making assumptions.
    • Section Leader
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    Section Leader
    (Original post by Rabbit2)
    I can only conclude from that, that they are hiring "non-professional" staff. If you are hiring - bartenders, wait staff, desk clerks, bellhops, auto mechanics, road cleaners & menders, etc, the 'degree' (if any) obtained WOULD be irrelevant.
    Nope. For example, investment bankers can have a degree in any subject.

    And many lawyers don't have Law as their undergrad degree. Oh and Law isn't a STEM degree anyway.

    Most CEOs have humanities degrees.
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    What I find really interesting in all this is that your son wants to move back home.

    I wonder if although he can't actually articulate this to you (or to himself), he is looking for a way of shaking off this person. Like when younger teenagers are secretly relieved to be able to say their parents won't let them do X, when really they already know they don't want to do it...
 
 
 

University open days

  1. Norwich University of the Arts
    Postgraduate Open Days Postgraduate
    Thu, 19 Jul '18
  2. University of Sunderland
    Postgraduate Open Day Postgraduate
    Thu, 19 Jul '18
  3. Plymouth College of Art
    All MA Programmes Postgraduate
    Thu, 19 Jul '18
Poll
How are you feeling in the run-up to Results Day 2018?

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.