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It's eating at me...

So this is more for me to just voice it more than anything else.

He came over one night and I thought he wanted to make things better, to apologise for everything, but when he got here he basically wanted to have sex, I said no and at first I thought he'd accepted it and would just chill with me as my friend, to talk, after the 7 years of relationship mess between us. He'd talk a little, then attempt to again and I declined, said I didn't feel like it. He kissed me, I kissed him back. I just wanted affection, care from him. When I said no the third/fourth time he held me down and honestly he was scaring me. I could see the confusion in his eyes, a 'why don't you want to have sex with me?' look, 'it must mean I'm losing you, you don't want me anymore' idk. Whatever it was, he'd never looked at me like that before. Like he'd do anything to make me stay with him. I was scared of what he might do and I was scared of making noise because my mum was upstairs and I didn't want to know he was there since I had broken up with him a month earlier. When I say he was holding me down, I mean forcefully by my wrists and he wouldn't let go of me - I told him to let go, I tried to get out of his grip and eventually he let me go. Then he tried to initiate something again and I said no and he told me to shut up, not in a jokey way, in a forceful kind of way and like I said I was already scared and I guess I went into shock, but I've known him for 7 years he was my best friend. I just blanked out. I didn't fight him off me or say no anymore I just let him do what he clearly wanted to do so bad and just went with it I guess. I acted like everything was normal and it was all fine after and he didn't act like he did anything wrong so maybe I'm just overreacting, but ever since I've been avoiding the memory of it and I really just don't know what to think.

Like I said I just needed to say it and I'm practically in tears typing this out so something can't be right.
What he did to you is wrong, and it’s not your fault. He’s going to be more abusive towards you when time passes by. Please, be careful.
If you didn't consent to the sex, then you were raped. Going into a state of shock after being held down and frightened, is not consent.
I think you should talk to your parents about what happened as it's very serious.

If nobody confronts him about what happened, he will be sure to repeat the behaviour (if not with you, someone else).
What was done to you was wrong - very wrong. It's not at all surprising that you feel like this. Posting on tsr is the first step.
Speak to someone who will listen on 0808 802 9999 between 12 noon - 2.30 pm and 7 - 9.30 pm every day of the year. It's confidential, so you stay in control of what happens, but you shouldn't have to deal with this alone.
Original post by Anonymous
So this is more for me to just voice it more than anything else.

He came over one night and I thought he wanted to make things better, to apologise for everything, but when he got here he basically wanted to have sex, I said no and at first I thought he'd accepted it and would just chill with me as my friend, to talk, after the 7 years of relationship mess between us. He'd talk a little, then attempt to again and I declined, said I didn't feel like it. He kissed me, I kissed him back. I just wanted affection, care from him. When I said no the third/fourth time he held me down and honestly he was scaring me. I could see the confusion in his eyes, a 'why don't you want to have sex with me?' look, 'it must mean I'm losing you, you don't want me anymore' idk. Whatever it was, he'd never looked at me like that before. Like he'd do anything to make me stay with him. I was scared of what he might do and I was scared of making noise because my mum was upstairs and I didn't want to know he was there since I had broken up with him a month earlier. When I say he was holding me down, I mean forcefully by my wrists and he wouldn't let go of me - I told him to let go, I tried to get out of his grip and eventually he let me go. Then he tried to initiate something again and I said no and he told me to shut up, not in a jokey way, in a forceful kind of way and like I said I was already scared and I guess I went into shock, but I've known him for 7 years he was my best friend. I just blanked out. I didn't fight him off me or say no anymore I just let him do what he clearly wanted to do so bad and just went with it I guess. I acted like everything was normal and it was all fine after and he didn't act like he did anything wrong so maybe I'm just overreacting, but ever since I've been avoiding the memory of it and I really just don't know what to think.

Like I said I just needed to say it and I'm practically in tears typing this out so something can't be right.



Firstly, I'm sorry this has happened to you, it's a scary and horrible experience to have especially with someone you trusted for years and know very well.

But secondly, this is rape. You did not consent and said NO multiple times and he forcibly made you have sex with him. Yes, you may have stopped fighting him off, but you didn't want it.

His behaviour is so unacceptable and your reaction is completely normal and justified- this is not your fault and I urge you to continue to be brave and speak out about this to someone - anyone, your parents, friends, the police - asking for help and telling your story is not a weakness

And please try to stay away from him, I know it can be confusing with emotions from previous years of a relationship but you do not deserve someone capable of rape.
I have been exactly in your shoes! I dated a guy (who I really liked) off and on for 2 years. He could be really sweet and he could be a jerk - he was both. We went to different uni many hours away from each other and we were never 'exclusive' (although I considered us that way) we'd see each other on breaks and he just wanted sex. Like you I went out with him and then we went back to mine thinking we could be friends and he'd treat me with some respect as we hadn't seen each other in a long time. Same thing he had a one tract mind and I said no......more than once. He held me down and we had sex. Not justifying it but I think because we'd had sex many other times he genuinely didn't understand why I'd say no now and I think he didn't believe me when I said 'no'. I did cry after he left and it was when I realized I was a 'friend with benefits' for him. He never had cared for me the same as I did for him - it was only about the sex. I never saw him again after that although he did try to see me several times after that. But, in the end I didn't let that define me or keep me down and I did go on to trust other guys. Not every guy will be that way.

You experienced date rape with a person you trusted! I am so sorry!! But, please don't give him free rent in your brain dwelling on it. Live better be strong and do trust someone else to come into your life. But, don't see him again. If you feel you can talk to your mum then do or a trusted friend or better yet a counselor but don't get mired down in the negativity. You did nothing wrong!!

Best of luck to you!
Reply 6
Thank you all for your responses, but I think I'm just overreacting...if I really didn't want to why didn't I do something? Why'd I freeze and then just go with it and take it and act like it was all ok? I could've fought him off or told him to leave or SOMETHING, anything, but I didn't.
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you all for your responses, but I think I'm just overreacting...if I really didn't want to why didn't I do something? Why'd I freeze and then just go with it and take it and act like it was all ok? I could've fought him off or told him to leave or SOMETHING, anything, but I didn't.

Please don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. Your words and actions made it absolutely clear that you didn't want this, but he carried on anyway. Freezing when under attack is a common reaction. I imagine that you were scared and had little time to think. if he had already pinned you down physically, and scared you, it's not surprising that you didn't try to fight.

If you still doubt yourself, try reversing the situation. Would you ever do something like that to him? If the answer is 'no way!' then you can see how deviant his behaviour was.
Please speak to someone on 0808 802 9999 They are open until 9.30 tonight. Those thoughts aren't going to get any better until you've had the support that you deserve, from people with experience of helping others in your situation.

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