So this is more for me to just voice it more than anything else.
He came over one night and I thought he wanted to make things better, to apologise for everything, but when he got here he basically wanted to have sex, I said no and at first I thought he'd accepted it and would just chill with me as my friend, to talk, after the 7 years of relationship mess between us. He'd talk a little, then attempt to again and I declined, said I didn't feel like it. He kissed me, I kissed him back. I just wanted affection, care from him. When I said no the third/fourth time he held me down and honestly he was scaring me. I could see the confusion in his eyes, a 'why don't you want to have sex with me?' look, 'it must mean I'm losing you, you don't want me anymore' idk. Whatever it was, he'd never looked at me like that before. Like he'd do anything to make me stay with him. I was scared of what he might do and I was scared of making noise because my mum was upstairs and I didn't want to know he was there since I had broken up with him a month earlier. When I say he was holding me down, I mean forcefully by my wrists and he wouldn't let go of me - I told him to let go, I tried to get out of his grip and eventually he let me go. Then he tried to initiate something again and I said no and he told me to shut up, not in a jokey way, in a forceful kind of way and like I said I was already scared and I guess I went into shock, but I've known him for 7 years he was my best friend. I just blanked out. I didn't fight him off me or say no anymore I just let him do what he clearly wanted to do so bad and just went with it I guess. I acted like everything was normal and it was all fine after and he didn't act like he did anything wrong so maybe I'm just overreacting, but ever since I've been avoiding the memory of it and I really just don't know what to think.
Like I said I just needed to say it and I'm practically in tears typing this out so something can't be right.