Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
x Turn on thread page Beta

Strict parents, want to leave, what do I do? watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    I'm a 21 year old Muslim Pakistani female. I am currently studying my Masters and am also working part time.

    I feel like my family/parents are strict which makes me feel like I can't live my life the way I want to.. For example when it comes to going out, they want to know who I'm going with, where I'm going, I have a curfew. Wearing short tops rather than long dresses is an issue for my mum - I wear tops and hoodies etc now to uni but she continuously tells me to stop buying more of them as "I won't be allowed to once I'm done with uni". My parents are from Pakistan. My mum is very cultural and always thinks about what other people will say...

    After uni, I won't be allowed to go out with friends a lot therefore my outings will reduce significantly.. It sucks to be in this position.. Makes me hate them even more.

    There's other aspects that they are strict in too. I just feel like I'm done with this family, they never try to be understanding and see things from my point of view. I constantly feel alone as I'm not close to them - theres around a 10 year age gap between my siblings and I. I'm the youngest. I don't see them as my own family majority of the time.. Although I do love my dad and would never want to disappoint him..

    The only way to leave in an asian family is usually if you get married.. well that's how it is in my family. I don't want to get married because I feel like that will bring even more restrictions. I just want to get my own place and have freedom. So the only other way to go about it is to just leave/run away.

    I'm not financially stable at the moment as I am still developing my career so I feel like I have to wait a few years at least and if I'm still in the same situation then that will be the only option I can take.

    Can anyone give me advice on how to survive the next few years or what the best option would be. Thank you.
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    Offline

    22
    ReputationRep:
    Stand your ground and assert that you are old enough to make your life choices. Especially with something minor like buying hoodies
    Offline

    9
    ReputationRep:
    Look at http://www.karmanirvana.org.uk phone and talk to them.


    Good luck.
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    Become financially stable.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by starfab)
    Become financially stable.
    That's the plan although I don't know how I'll survive once uni is done this year.. Don't like being around them that much, once I'm done with uni I'll be a lot more free therefore will be spending a lot more time with them.
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by SuperHuman98)
    Stand your ground and assert that you are old enough to make your life choices. Especially with something minor like buying hoodies
    It's hard especially when I feel like my mum is a narcissist. She always turns things around and somehow blames me for everything. It's tiring trying to make her understand cause I know she never will!
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by melliottme)
    Look at http://www.karmanirvana.org.uk phone and talk to them.


    Good luck.
    Thank you I will have a look at this website. I'll have to ring when I'm away as I have no privacy at home!
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    Offline

    19
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm a 21 year old Muslim Pakistani female. I am currently studying my Masters and am also working part time.

    After uni, I won't be allowed to go out with friends a lot therefore my outings will reduce significantly.. It sucks to be in this position.. Makes me hate them even more.


    Can anyone give me advice on how to survive the next few years or what the best option would be. Thank you.
    Once you complete your Masters get a job away from them and find a flat with a female friend. Save as much money as you can in the meantime.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Muttley79)
    Once you complete your Masters get a job away from them and find a flat with a female friend. Save as much money as you can in the meantime.
    That's hard considering what my parents are like.. good idea though 🤔 thank you
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    Have you looked into renting a place with some other female friends? If you ask around, you may discover that there are other friends who are stuck in a similar predicament (wanting to move out of home but not having enough money to rent a place alone).

    You must keep up with your education, but I fear that if you continue to live in this household, it will suffocate you. Your parents currently hold a huge amount of power over you because ultimately they are putting a roof over your head. However this roof comes at an enormous cost to you (and it is too dear); make no mistake, after uni, your parents will likely start to put an enormous amount of pressure on you to marry and produce children (and this pressure will never end until you completely cave into their demands).

    You are adult woman, intelligent and capable of making your own decisions and choices. And you have every right to. Life is for living. Your family may be your family, but that doesn't mean that you have to be family towards your family (especially if they aren't treating you right). You need to save yourself.


    Personal experience/angle of my perspective: I am not religious, however I grew up in a very controlling and abusive environment in which my mother constantly used and abused my sense of family loyalty (which she instilled in me) to control and manipulate me into being passive (despite all the bad treatment). Nothing ever made her happy, and despite constantly trying to manipulate me using my strong sense of honour, she herself was one of the most self-centered/sabsorbed and least loyal individuals I have ever known.
    I was a good kid (working hard to bring home good grades and be helpful around the house etc) but if anything, the harder I worked to try and be worthy of decent treatment in her eyes, the worse she treated me. There were also all the usual manipulative arguments of "What will the people in the village say" (we lived on a farm) etc, but in reality this was just another way for her to justify her control and mistreatment of me.

    Eventually at age 16, I had enough and moved out of home. And it meant that I quit college and started working full time. I moved out with a guy I had been dating for 3 months, and we are still together to this day (this year will be our 16 year anniversary together!). The early years of independence were full of trials and tribulations, but it was so COMPLETELY worth it!
    The day I moved out of home, was the day I began the journey of living as a truly happy individual.

    At the time, the only reason why my mother allowed me to move out of home so young, was simply because she thought that I would fail in my attempt (and she was looking forward to punishing me and making my life a living hell when I returned). But my attempt was actually 100% successful (I never moved back home, never became homeless and I never looked back).

    Initially I completely quit contact with my mother (intending to never speak to her again after all her horrible treatment etc) however after about 6months, she start creating pretexts to pressure and persuade me back into contact with her. And in the end I caved in, as I thought that now being fully independent, I would get to call the shots in the relationship more (and so would not be so vulnerable to her manipulations etc).
    However unbeknownst to me at the time, this fateful decision to reignite contact would start a new cycle of miserable back-and-forth relationships with her (with me desperately trying to create a mutually respecting normal mother-daughter relationship and her constantly throwing away chances that I gave her, deliberately trying to hurt me and constantly trying to manipulative me etc). I still longed and hoped for a normal relationship with her (and she knew that and took advantage of that longing). The death of my wonderful father when I was a little girl, also intensified my need for a parent.

    Fast forward to over 10 years later, and I finally decided that if I was ever to truly enjoy my life (which was very blessed by this point), I had to remove the dark cloud that constantly cast a background shadow on it. And that dark cloud was my mother. 10+ years of trying every approach with her, a 1000 chances given, and she was still not treating me well (she would try to manipulate me against other people with outrageous lies, tear down my self-confidence etc).
    And so I finally cut off contact with her (for good).
    Despite everything, it was still an extremely difficult decision to make at the time (and one which I had doubts about even as I made it), however cutting her out of my life completely ended up being another one of the other best decisions of my life that I have ever made. Again at the time, she didn't take my threat seriously as she thought that I would cave in and let her back into my life. But I stuck to my guns on the matter 100%.

    The present day: These days I am significantly happier.
    There was another negative family member that I cut out, and other the years I have lost a lot of remaining family due to death.
    So sometimes I do feel a sense of loneliness over family.
    However I am also a lot better off, having reconnected with more more decent family members (finally finding some of the good family that I longed so much for). And I also exercise a lot more quality control on friends, so that although I have a lot less people in my life, the ones I am surrounded with, are just such more significantly positive and supportive individuals to be around. And being surrounded by such better quality people, I have finally overcome my "demons" of the past (my bouts of depression, stress, anxiety, insecurities etc, all being left far behind now). I'm a much stronger individual these days (taking on new things with a lot of confidence etc) and the future has never looked so bright!

    So I would say:
    Value those who treat you well (and distance yourself from those who do not).
    Focus on doing what you need to achieve your dreams, and do what you have to do to protect yourself.
    Family may be your family, but that doesn't mean that you have to be family with them all. For people who do you no good, you need to draw a line somewhere.
    Its a fools errand to try and please everyone (as there is simply no pleasing some people).
    Don't sacrifice your happiness for other people's sake's.
    You deserve decent treatment in this world (and those people who you have to fight to be treated with decency by, are not worth it).
    Be prepared to make tough decisions and actually follow through with them (sticking to your guns on matters that matter to you).
    Plan carefully and make sure you have backup plans for when/if things go wrong.
    Create your own support network of decent friends, wise teachers and better family members. Having decent support and counsel, will make a world of positive difference in the upcoming challenges ahead.
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I'm a 21 year old Muslim Pakistani female. I am currently studying my Masters and am also working part time.

    I feel like my family/parents are strict which makes me feel like I can't live my life the way I want to.. For example when it comes to going out, they want to know who I'm going with, where I'm going, I have a curfew. Wearing short tops rather than long dresses is an issue for my mum - I wear tops and hoodies etc now to uni but she continuously tells me to stop buying more of them as "I won't be allowed to once I'm done with uni". My parents are from Pakistan. My mum is very cultural and always thinks about what other people will say...

    After uni, I won't be allowed to go out with friends a lot therefore my outings will reduce significantly.. It sucks to be in this position.. Makes me hate them even more.

    There's other aspects that they are strict in too. I just feel like I'm done with this family, they never try to be understanding and see things from my point of view. I constantly feel alone as I'm not close to them - theres around a 10 year age gap between my siblings and I. I'm the youngest. I don't see them as my own family majority of the time.. Although I do love my dad and would never want to disappoint him..

    The only way to leave in an asian family is usually if you get married.. well that's how it is in my family. I don't want to get married because I feel like that will bring even more restrictions. I just want to get my own place and have freedom. So the only other way to go about it is to just leave/run away.

    I'm not financially stable at the moment as I am still developing my career so I feel like I have to wait a few years at least and if I'm still in the same situation then that will be the only option I can take.

    Can anyone give me advice on how to survive the next few years or what the best option would be. Thank you.
    I come from a very similar background (I am actually almost the same ages as you too)... not Pakistani, but fully understand where you are coming from. I don't think marriage is ever the right way to go in these situations, it really would only get worse in my perspective and you would feel greatly unfulfilled.
    Offline

    21
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    That's the plan although I don't know how I'll survive once uni is done this year.. Don't like being around them that much, once I'm done with uni I'll be a lot more free therefore will be spending a lot more time with them.
    Family is family, learn to understand them so you can enjoy them. Suck up a bit and you'll get freedom without losing your family. Be an individual sure, the more you prove that you're reliable and not going against them, the more freedom you'll get. Compromise where you can. It's a tricky balance, I know. Nowadays I can stay out until late, midnight-ish as long as my parents are aware I'm safe. Tell me to me few years back and I'd think you're lying.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by DrXavier)
    I come from a very similar background (I am actually almost the same ages as you too)... not Pakistani, but fully understand where you are coming from. I don't think marriage is ever the right way to go in these situations, it really would only get worse in my perspective and you would feel greatly unfulfilled.
    I used to think marriage was the solution.. But since I had my heart broken, I feel like I don't want to get married. Hence why I don't know if there is any other solution other than leaving when I'm financially stable.
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by starfab)
    Family is family, learn to understand them so you can enjoy them. Suck up a bit and you'll get freedom without losing your family. Be an individual sure, the more you prove that you're reliable and not going against them, the more freedom you'll get. Compromise where you can. It's a tricky balance, I know. Nowadays I can stay out until late, midnight-ish as long as my parents are aware I'm safe. Tell me to me few years back and I'd think you're lying.
    It's hard trying to make my mum understand as she has a diff mentality to me and she's just not understanding or doesn't want to try to understand where in coming from.
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It's hard trying to make my mum understand as she has a diff mentality to me and she's just not understanding or doesn't want to try to understand where in coming from.
    Yeah I have the same thing - there is like a stubborn attitude that is unrelenting. They don't even consider trying to see things from a different perspective, it is so bizarre and infuriating. It can make you feel really disempowering I think, because you just feel so restricted and can't do anything about it.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by DrXavier)
    Yeah I have the same thing - there is like a stubborn attitude that is unrelenting. They don't even consider trying to see things from a different perspective, it is so bizarre and infuriating. It can make you feel really disempowering I think, because you just feel so restricted and can't do anything about it.
    Exactly this!! Not a lot of people understand this.. they're usually the lucky ones who have understanding parents.. I don't know how to go about trying to make my parents more open minded and more understanding.
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Exactly this!! Not a lot of people understand this.. they're usually the lucky ones who have understanding parents.. I don't know how to go about trying to make my parents more open minded and more understanding.
    Yeah it is difficult I feel in these situations it is hard to accept it, but in many cases the stubborness just won't change - so it almost is a waste of time to try and change that perspective.

    You should PM me - seems like we've been in similar situations!
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by DrXavier)
    Yeah it is difficult I feel in these situations it is hard to accept it, but in many cases the stubborness just won't change - so it almost is a waste of time to try and change that perspective.

    You should PM me - seems like we've been in similar situations!
    Yeah I did just now
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    As long as it safe and you have a plan then I would escape the situation with your family. You should live your life how you want especially at the age of 21.

    I really wish you lots of happiness and a better future (:
    Posted on the TSR App. Download from Apple or Google Play
    • #2
    #2

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah I did just now
    I just read your post and I'm the exact same. I'm currently also thinking about just getting married as there's no other way to get some peace. But on the other hand I'm not ready for marriage and I know it.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: February 10, 2018
Poll
Do you agree with the proposed ban on plastic straws and cotton buds?
Useful resources

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.