I have a friend who lives about 200 miles away, and I see him every 3-4 months on average. I didn't see him for almost a year as he went for a year abroad, and he might be going on another one later this year. Nevertheless, we speak almost every day which is nice. I should mention that it has been a kind of FWB relationship.
Anyway, I live about 3h drive from him, and he normally works weekends. He tends to go out sometimes on a Saturday night after work, but not always. Anyway, a few weeks ago I'd spoken about us meeting up again, and he said that he'd let me know when he got his timetable.
We live in Europe in different countries but both close to the border of each, and this weekend there was an exhibition taking place about an hour away from him. I also used the opportunity to go over the border to do shopping as his country is cheaper.
Anyway, I thought that as I wouldn't be too far it could be the chance for us to meet up without having to do a 6h round trip. I asked him a few days ago and he said he didn't know his timetable yet for this weekend as his work had been closed due to construction etc. but he'd let me know.
I waited but on Friday night he still hadn't told me for the next day so I asked. He told me his starting time but said he had no idea what time he'd finished and I asked him to let me know.
Anyway it got to 6pm and I'd heard nothing from him so I thought maybe he'd forgotten. I msgd him saying that I was pretty close by and that if he was free we could just go for a couple of drinks if he wanted.
It said he was online (on and off) and I waited for a couple of hours and he hadn't even read the msg yet was always online. Normally I don't really care about people taking time to reply etc. but I for some reason thought he was doing it on purpose; it wasn't just a standard msg but one saying that I was nearby, was he free to meet and if not I would take the train home.
I should mention that he has been hesitant before about us meeting up and this has surely not helped. So I msgd him saying that I was disappointed he had decided not to read my message, and that it wasn't very nice of him. (I'm aware that I probably went too far)
Anyway, he saw this one. He went absolutely ballistic at me; saying that he had just been out shopping (however it kept showing him as online, off for 2 minutes etc. then online again) and was swearing and saying I'm jumping to conclusions etc. and getting annoyed for no reason.
He said that he'd understood that I was coming on Friday (even though I'd told him I was coming on Saturday and asked him on the Friday night what time he was finishing the next day) and told me that he'd had a hard day at work and that surely I could understand he wanted to relax; he'd told me we'd see each other at some point later on when he could.
He then told me he was skint which I had had absolutely no idea about. The thing is I had suggested this idea to him the week before; he told me that he just never knew what time he finished work but that 'yeah we could do that'. He didn't tell me that he'd probably be too tired or that he was short of money etc.
Anyway I felt terrible and apologised. I offered to pay for his drinks but I knew he wouldn't accept. I thought that as I was going to his town he wouldn't mind coming out just for a couple of drinks but not too late if he was working the next day, and we only see each other every few months as I said.
Anyway I didn't end up seeing him. I know I maybe got the wrong end of the stick about the not seeing the message thing.I've apologised to him but I feel really bad now. Does it sound like I was in the wrong or that he was? Thanks
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Was I in the wrong or my friend? watch
- 04-02-2018 19:59
- 04-02-2018 20:09
Some people can be out shopping and be on and off their phones-maybe only replying to a particular conversation. Messaging him saying you were disappointed he hadn't seen the message does seem a bit ridiculous(no offence)-people can't always help that but as I gather you do realize it wasn't the right thing to do. Ignoring the message could've been intentional and an easy way out of not having to go get drinks. Some people just don't like to reveal their financial situation.
It doesn't really sound like either of you were in the wrong. Just some miscommunication type of error. I'd move on from it.
- 04-02-2018 20:10
Sounds like poor communication on his part followed by slight overreaction on your part followed by definite overreacting on his part (unless in the past things have happened that justify his being very upset at you jumping to conclusions), followed by more poor communication on your both parts. It also sounds like you may be more invested in this than he is, that might just be something you might want to come to clarity about -- though if you bring that up now in a convo that might end your friendship if it is true and you have to be aware of that possibility. Overall this all reeks of poor communication between you two, possibly due to an unwillingness to share something with each other (sounds like there is stuff he doesn't want to tell you and vice versa). All just guesses though, it's difficult to judge those things without knowing every detail... but in the end being right or wrong is not what matters here, is it?Last edited by MagLatus; 04-02-2018 at 20:12. Reason: TDA Post Edit
- 04-02-2018 20:17
Thanks for the replies I am aware that what I wrote to him was definitely an overreaction. However, I should mention that a couple of years ago I asked him to see each other a weekend and he refused, saying it would be 'weird just the two of us' 'not a good idea' etc.. a few months ago I had booked a ticket to go and see him and 3 days before he told me I couldn't anymore as he had been invited to a party but couldn't really invite me as he didn't know the person too well (despite knowing that i'd planned to come) and said he'd pay me back half my ticket. Then I took this badly, we got into an argument and he said he didn't want to see me. So I think this is where the paranoia comes from, even if i've been in the wrong.
- 04-02-2018 20:19
Had this been any other friend I would not have assumed they were ignoring the message ,but with him I am a little paranoid maybe like I said.
- 04-02-2018 20:25
That’s unfortunate. As someone that takes their time to reply it’s because it’s much easier to reply in a group chat than hold conversations when I’m out so I think you overreacted but it happens. If it’s enough to end the friendship then yeah it’s pathetic from him too
- 04-02-2018 21:14
Yeah I agree... it's just that he said that the messages come up directly on his phone and he's someone who's glued to facebook. I know I overreacted but he has told me in the past he doesn't want me to come/he's hesitant etc. even if he's insisted more recently that he does want to see me. I guess I was a little disappointed too that he woldn't even come just for a couple of drinks when Iwas in the area and hadn't seen him for months, but yeah I feel bad now and I hope we can move on.